Jokes revisited.

[dharvinia]

 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
 cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a barnyard. 

 While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,

 he began to realize how warm he was.  The dung was actually thawing him out! 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
 pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 
 Morals of the story:
 (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
 (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
 (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[nonusnomeni]

 

[nonusnomeni]

biology class

joe will you tell us what is in the cell

grandpa, pa and uncle

 

[Grey Cloud]

[legendarytoyou]

A guy finds a bottle on the beach.  Opening it he discovers it has a Genie that says, "I will grant you three wishes but you're own worst enemy gets double what you get."

Guys first wish he says, "I wish I had 200 million dollars!"  Genie says, "granted!  But you're own worst enemy gets 400 million."

Second wish guy says, "I wish I had a brand new car!"  Genie says, "Granted!  But you're own worst enemy gets 2 new cars."

Third one the guy thinks about it and says, "I wish I was beaten half to death!"

[KoolHndLuke]

Pretty much a classic at this point. Somebody in Siberia might have missed it, lol.

 

 

[legendarytoyou]

A city slicker type named Stewart wanted to try his hand at farming.  In order to get a better idea he visited a local rancher and asks him, "scuse me Farmer Harold but I want to start my own ranch, could you help me please?"  Farmer Harold looks him up and down and nods saying, "well first you're going to need some chickens.  I'll sell you this spare rooster for your hens you'll have for $10."

"Oh thank you," Stewart says, "I'll take real good care of your spare rooster."

"One thing though; on the ranch we call a rooster a, 'cock,' so please refer to it as such.  Another thing you're going to need is a mule.  Around these parts we call them an, 'ass.'  I happen to have one for sale here for about $50."  Hand over $60 taking his new cock, Farmer Harold handed him the reigns but not before telling him, "something you should know though.  Constance here is real ornery so you need to scratch him behind the ear sometimes to keep him calm.  Good luck in your future farm Stewart."

Stewart began walking back to his new ranch, holding his new rooster by the legs and leading his new mule along when the mule started getting agitated.  Looking down the road Stewart noticed a beautiful woman ahead of him and said, "Excuse me ma'am, can you please hold my cock I need to scratch my ass." 

[nonusnomeni]

if he fall asleep in the middle of sex that show that he have unconditionally trust in you

 

[nonusnomeni]

It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.

[ToJKa]

How to spot a blind man in a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

[AKM]

Lance isn't a common name these days, but in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.

[Guest]

I heard this on the radio yesterday...

 

A recent study concluded that for a man having sex is equal physical activity to running 6 miles.

 

I find that hard to believe since no man has ever run 6 miles in under 4 minutes!

[KoolHndLuke]

 

[GimmeBACON]

 

[AKM]

My cleaning lady asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.  I told her no, because I don't like high maintenance women.

[AKM]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

A. Because 7 8 9.

 

B. Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

[KoolHndLuke]

 

[Guest]

There was a bear and a rabbit sitting in the brier patch side by side taking a shit. The bear looked over and asked the rabbit "do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said "no". The bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him.

Edited August 12, 2021 by Guest

[AKM]

I just watched a really cool documentary on cocaine.  I think I'm going to watch all documentaries this way from now on.


Ventriloquist: I'm a ventriloquist.

Me: You any good?

Me: The best.

Me: What the fuck?


The iPhone X can suck my dick.

Wow, technology has really come a long way.


Sir, I'm sick.  I want one day leave.

When I get sick, I kiss my wife and my sickness goes.  Try.

Okay sir... Sir I tried.

How was it?

First, your wife hesitated.  Then she enjoyed.  Thank you sir.


Me: I can't do it, you ask her.

Friend: No way man, you do it.

Me: *Giggles* Give me your money, this is a robbery.


Some people masturbate more than they brush their teeth.

Who the fuck brushes their teeth 15 times a day???


First day as a cop:

Cop: Suspect is dancing naked through downtown.

Dispatch: Copy that.

Cop: I'll try, but I'm not much of a dancer.


I got a free iPhone, a car and $2,000 today.

It's like this gun is magic.


Her: You wanna go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Her: You got protection?

Me: Why, what's up there?


I gave this homeless guy $5, and this old lady told me he's just going to use it for drugs.  So I asked him where I could also get drugs for $5.



The rather fucked ones are below:


What popular sexual act do you think is overrated and why?

Doggie style.  It's awkward and hard on the knees, and the dog doesn't even seem to enjoy it much.


Google users review Chernobyl nuclear power plant:

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been here.  It's 14.


I truly believe water can solve all our problems.

Weight loss?  Drink water.

Clear skin? Drink water.

Tired of someone?  Drown them.


I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.


It was 11 years ago today that my pal Tyler came running out of the room screaming "It's a boy, it's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.


I just watched Avengers: Endgame.  Want to know a spoiler?

Okay, but just one!

I just saw your GF at the theater with another guy.


PETA offers replacement sayings for anti-animal sayings in everyday conversations.

Thanks PETA for showing us that there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Source:

 

Spoiler

 

 

[AKM]

I got mad because I found my older sister fingering herself with a carrot.

I was going to eat that.  Now it's going to taste like carrots.


Me: Fuck me if I'm wrong, but 1+1 = 3, right?

Crush: No, it's 2.

Me: Unzips pants.

Crush: WAIT!

[Guy in front of chess board]: Outstanding move


Doctor: You need to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life.

Patient: But there are only three pills?!

Doctor: Exactly.

Edited August 19, 2021 by AKM

[Z0mBieP00Nani]

On 2/11/2021 at 7:27 AM, legendarytoyou said:

A guy finds a bottle on the beach.  Opening it he discovers it has a Genie that says, "I will grant you three wishes but you're own worst enemy gets double what you get."

Guys first wish he says, "I wish I had 200 million dollars!"  Genie says, "granted!  But you're own worst enemy gets 400 million."

Second wish guy says, "I wish I had a brand new car!"  Genie says, "Granted!  But you're own worst enemy gets 2 new cars."

Third one the guy thinks about it and says, "I wish I was beaten half to death!"

No, no, no... he did it all wrong, the fool! What he should've said is "I wish that my enemy has included me in his will to inherit everything and that I was beaten half to death".

[Z0mBieP00Nani]

Maybe I told this one before, I don't remember (I heard it from my cousin maybe.. 20+ years ago?)

 

Anyway there was this old mohel (moyel) who had retired recently and being the oddball he was he had decided to save all of the skins from his job over the years. Trying to think of what to do with them now that he had retired he gets the brilliant idea to go to a leather smith, so he goes to the local leather smith and he tosses the bag of skins on the front desk and says "I'll give you three days to make something of this, no questions asked, if it's good I'll pay you well" he then turns and leaves before the puzzled smith can say anything. After three days the mohel returns to the leather shop, upon remembering the odd man the smith disappears into his office for a minute and comes out with a wallet, looking at it with a good deal of disappointment the mohel goes "What?! after all these years of collecting THIS is all you can make?!" to which the leather smith replies "Ah, but when you rub it it becomes a suitcase".

[Vader666]

A bather whose clothing was strewed

By breezes that left her quite nude,

Saw a man come along And,

unless I am wrong,

You expected this line to be lewd.

[Z0mBieP00Nani]

What did the blind man say as he passed through the fish market?

 

"Hello, ladies..."

 

 

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None, they just bitch and moan until a man does it, then they take the credit.

 

 

Why did the bird watcher's girlfriend leave him?

 

She caught him watching a pair of tits.

 

 

There was a loud man doing Yeager Bombs at a roof top bar and once he was thoroughly intoxicated he promptly ran to the edge and yelled "WOO-HOO!" as he jumped off the edge, to the horror of the other patrons, only to be seen calmly floating back over the edge of the roof a few seconds later. "Wow! How did you do that?" one drunk asked the man, "Don't you know? Red Bull gives you wings." the jumper replies. Thinking for a second the drunk says to the bar tender "I'll take five Yeager Bombs, please", after downing all five he then runs and jumps to his death, at witch point the bar tender says "Fuck!.. another one! You're a real asshole when you're drunk, you know that Superman?..."

Edited August 21, 2021 by Z0mBieP00Nani

[AKM]