Jokes revisited.

[AKM]

[KoolHndLuke]

Thought this was pretty funny and so true.

 

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them the fuck alone." -Elayne Boosler

[Z0mBieP00Nani]

Not really a joke I guess, just funny.. well for us anyway.

This has come courtesy of stuff off of an old external HDD I found.

[Z0mBieP00Nani]

What's the last thing to go through a bee's mind when it hits a wind shield?

 

It's stinger.

 

HA HA, GET IT!?.. I crack myself up.

Edited October 31, 2021 by Z0mBieP00Nani

[AKM]

On 10/31/2021 at 6:55 PM, Z0mBieP00Nani said:

What's the last thing to go through a bee's mind when it hits a wind shield?

 

It's stinger.

 

HA HA, GET IT!?.. I crack myself up.

 

Sigh.  You got that wrong.  The correct answer is: It's bee-hind.  Hardy har har.

[GimmeBACON]

God's got a hell of a sense of humor... all I'm saying.

[stingray1995]

Karens.

[GimmeBACON]

 

[AKM]

Her: Tells me she has a daddy kink.

 

Me: *slaps her head* "Hold the fucking flashlight steady!"


Box: *Meow!*

Schrodinger: I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Edited March 14, 2022 by AKM

[Fiend71]

[Fiend71]

A rope walks into a bar, and asks for a beer.

 

The bartender instantly denies him, and says harshly: "We don't serve your kind here!"

 

The rope goes outside, contorts himself awkwardly, and brushes out his ends.  Then he proceeds to reenter the bar and approach the bartender.

 

The bartender asks: "Hey, aren't you that rope from a few minutes ago?"

 

The rope replies: "Nope, I'm a frayed knot".

 

 

Edited May 21, 2022 by Fiend71

[TT.]

4 hours ago, Fiend71 said:

A rope walks into a bar, and asks for a beer.

 

The bartender instantly denies him, and says harshly: "We don't serve your kind here!"

 

The rope goes outside, contorts himself awkwardly, and brushes out his ends.  Then he proceeds to reenter the bar and approach the bartender.

 

The bartender asks: "Hey, aren't you that rope from a few minutes ago?"

 

The rope replies: "Nope, I'm a frayed knot".

 

 

i hate this joke, and i like it, well done XD

[AKM]

An old Soviet-era joke...

Sergei Mikhailovich is struggling down the escalator at the Tsvetnoi Bulvard Metro station in Moscow with two very large and heavy suitcases when a man standing just behind him asks the time. Sergei Mikhailovich sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It's a quarter to six,” he says. “Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger as they step off the escalator. Sergei Mikhailovich brightens a little. “Da balshoe spasibo. It's not bad. Look at this,” he says and points to a time zone display that covers the 24 time zones as well as 50 major cities. He then presses another pushbutton and a voice says “Il est quatre heures moins quart à Paris,” with a perfect Parisian accent. Another pushbutton gave the time in Japanese. The man is amazed by the features of the watch and stands with his mouth open in admiration. “That's not all,” adds Sergei Mikhailovich as he touches a section on the sapphire crystal and a tiny map of the Moscow Metro system appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by Global Satellite Positioning.” “You have to sell me the watch!” the man says eagerly. “Oh, it's not for sale. This is only the prototype and I'm still perfecting it,” Sergei Mikhailovich explains. “Look at this,” and he plays the FM radio receiver, shows the sonar device for measuring distances, the paper printout of data and, astonishingly, how to play audio recordings of books. “You have to sell me that watch!” the man pleads. “No, I can't; it's not completely finished,” Sergei Mikhailovich tells him. “I'll give you 50,000 roubles for it!” “No, no, it cost me more than that to make.” “100,000 roubles then!” “I'm sorry, I can't it's only the prototype and ...” “I'll give you 500,000 roubles for it!” And with that, the man takes out a wad of notes and peels of the amount. Since the prototype cost about 100,000 roubles to create and develop, Sergei Mikhailovich quickly calculates that with the 500,000 he can make two more and have them ready for the Russian market within just a few months. The man offers the money to Sergei Mikhailovich. “Come on, take it. With 500,000 roubles you’re making a handsome profit.” “Okay,” Sergei Mikhailovich pockets the money, takes the watch off his wrist and hands it to the man. The man straps it on his wrist and starts to walk away, “Just a minute,” Sergei Mikhailovich calls after him. The man turns around and Sergei Mikhailovich points to the two suitcases he was carrying. “Don't forget the batteries.”

[Fiend71]

7 hours ago, AKM said:

An old Soviet-era joke...

Sergei Mikhailovich is struggling down the escalator at the Tsvetnoi Bulvard Metro station in Moscow with two very large and heavy suitcases when a man standing just behind him asks the time. Sergei Mikhailovich sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It's a quarter to six,” he says. “Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger as they step off the escalator. Sergei Mikhailovich brightens a little. “Da balshoe spasibo. It's not bad. Look at this,” he says and points to a time zone display that covers the 24 time zones as well as 50 major cities. He then presses another pushbutton and a voice says “Il est quatre heures moins quart à Paris,” with a perfect Parisian accent. Another pushbutton gave the time in Japanese. The man is amazed by the features of the watch and stands with his mouth open in admiration. “That's not all,” adds Sergei Mikhailovich as he touches a section on the sapphire crystal and a tiny map of the Moscow Metro system appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by Global Satellite Positioning.” “You have to sell me the watch!” the man says eagerly. “Oh, it's not for sale. This is only the prototype and I'm still perfecting it,” Sergei Mikhailovich explains. “Look at this,” and he plays the FM radio receiver, shows the sonar device for measuring distances, the paper printout of data and, astonishingly, how to play audio recordings of books. “You have to sell me that watch!” the man pleads. “No, I can't; it's not completely finished,” Sergei Mikhailovich tells him. “I'll give you 50,000 roubles for it!” “No, no, it cost me more than that to make.” “100,000 roubles then!” “I'm sorry, I can't it's only the prototype and ...” “I'll give you 500,000 roubles for it!” And with that, the man takes out a wad of notes and peels of the amount. Since the prototype cost about 100,000 roubles to create and develop, Sergei Mikhailovich quickly calculates that with the 500,000 he can make two more and have them ready for the Russian market within just a few months. The man offers the money to Sergei Mikhailovich. “Come on, take it. With 500,000 roubles you’re making a handsome profit.” “Okay,” Sergei Mikhailovich pockets the money, takes the watch off his wrist and hands it to the man. The man straps it on his wrist and starts to walk away, “Just a minute,” Sergei Mikhailovich calls after him. The man turns around and Sergei Mikhailovich points to the two suitcases he was carrying. “Don't forget the batteries.”

 

HA!

[Vader666]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

[Fiend71]

39 minutes ago, Vader666 said:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

 

A blind man walks into a bar.  And a lamppost.  And a tree...

[AKM]

 

Edited May 29, 2022 by AKM

[AKM]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.  The rabbit says "I think I'm a typo" - Stephen King

 

 

 

Went to get a haircut today.

Barber: What do you do for a living?

Me: I'm a writer, what about you.

Barber:  .......I'm a barber....?

We didn't speak for the rest of the haircut.

[dharvinia]

not all fairy tales start with once upon a time........

some start with

If I am elected I promise to............

[sativa]

 

 

[AKM]

Lawyers:

What do you call a thousand lawyers lying dead on the ocean floor? A good start.

 

What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer lying in the middle of the road? There are skid-marks in front of the skunk.

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum sucking bottom feeder. The other's a fish.

 

There's the standard definition lawyers have for a jury: 12 individuals not smart enough to get off jury duty.

[AKM]

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter. They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge. Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away. It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat. Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.

[beefers]

where do sharks go on vacation?

 

 

 

Finland.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll see myself out.

[gagemage]

if jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…

 

they’d call it the crucifact. 

[AKM]