Jokes revisited.

[Grey Cloud]

This is my first pandemic and I don’t think I’ll do another one. It’s not for me.

[Grey Cloud]

 

[AKM]

[nonusnomeni]

-Doctor, you wrote that my husband died of Covid-19?
- Yes, what is in dispute here?
- My husband died of a heart attack.
- And why did he have a heart attack?
- Because he was very nervous.
- And why was he so upset?
- Because he lost his job.
- And why did he lose his job?
-Because of the Covid-19 virus pandemic.
"Well, that's what I wrote," the doctor concluded.

[AKM]

What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't.

 

With great power comes great electricity bill.

[legendarytoyou]

Three guys are standing by a cliff that changes you into whatever you say.

First man jumps off yelling, "Bird!"  Turns into a bird and flies away.

Second man takes a running leap and yells, "Fish!"  Turns into a fish and swims away in the ocean below.

Third man can't decide so he thinks about it for awhile.  Finally he's ready, takes a running start but trips on his own feet over the edge yells, "SHIT!"

[nonusnomeni]

blonde say :

i think...

[Molevalence]

Hitman looks at a calendar and says "Your days are numbered."

[SimianJyhad]

there was a man that wanted to give back to his community. So he opened up a zoo. his zoo had all sorts of animals, monkeys, porpoises, bears etc. just before opening he discovered his porpoises are gay and they wont stop fucking. so he reads up on the matter trying to figure out what to do and discovers that this is a very common thing. He learned that there is an extract from myna birds that will stop it but that extract runs several thousand a dose. Well he thinks to himself, I have a few myna birds. I could spare a couple for the porpoises. He goes to his head zoo keeper and asks where the Myna Birds are. He finds out they are in the same cage as the lions for some reason. He grabs a dart gun and sedates the lions , he goes into the cage and grabs two myna birds but as he is moving towards the exit he sees the lions have fallen asleep between him and the door. He crosses the first one alright but as he is crossing the second he is arrested by 20 cops. The charge? Transporting Mynas across Sedate Lions for Immoral Porpoises

[dharvinia]

definition of the word Latte     It is Italian for "you paid too much for your coffee"

 

 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
 finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
 The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
 downstairs.  When she opens the door,

there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
 Before she says a word, Bob says,

"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel"  

 After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel

and stands naked in  front of Bob, after
 a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 

 The woman wraps back up in  the towel and goes back upstairs. 

When she gets to the bathroom, her
 husband asks, "Who was that?"
 "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
 "Great," the husband says, "did he say
 anything about the $800 he owes me?"
 

 

[dharvinia]

 A priest offered a nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her
 legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
 The priest nearly had an accident.  After controlling the
 car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. 

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"  The
 priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
 hand slide up her leg again.
 The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" 

 The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
 Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
 On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
 glory."
 
 Moral of the story:
 If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a
 great opportunity.

[nonusnomeni]

As they made love husband feel smoke

anxiously he ask wife

"darling do you feel something"

"nothing darling for years"

 

[nonusnomeni]

big game stadium full

only one seat empty

 

excuse me is that seat reserved

 

was for my wife she passed away

 

my condolences but why did you not take some relative or friend on such important event

 

everybody is on the funeral

 

[AKM]

4/5ths of Americans think the country is falling apart.

 

1/5th is how they're dealing with it.

 

Spoiler

(Upper right)

 

[dharvinia]

 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
 walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 

 They rub it and a genie comes out. 

 The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one
 wish."

  "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

 "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
 without a care in the world."
 Puff! She's gone. 

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,

relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
 with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
 Puff! He's gone.

  "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. 

 The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

 Moral of the story:
 Always let your boss have the first say.

[Molevalence]

A blood donor passed away today. She gave 100%

[dharvinia]

 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
 The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."  

 So, the rabbit sat on the ground
 below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
 rabbit and ate it.
 
 Moral of the story:
 To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
 very high up.

[Molevalence]

A balloon postponed its wedding. Now it's up in the air.

[dharvinia]

 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A
 small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
 do nothing?"
 The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."  

 So, the rabbit sat on the ground
 below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
 rabbit and ate it.
 
 Moral of the story:
 To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
 very high up.


 

[dharvinia]

 A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to
 be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey,

 "but I haven't got the energy."
 "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
 droppings?" replied the bull.
 They're packed with nutrients."
 The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually
 gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 

  Finally after about 10 days, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
 tree. 

There he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
 Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
 you there.

[nonusnomeni]

the judge asks the woman
why you want a divorce
because he is not good at sex

a female voice from the courtroom
he is good to everyone only not to her

a male voice from the courtroom
nobody is good enough to her

[nonusnomeni]

women

i would be do better if i was merry devil himself than you

man

you wouldn incest is illegal

 

 

[Baraadmirer]

From the annals of TikTok.

 

 

[Grey Cloud]

Old school British comedian.

 

[Kendo 2]

Dirty Johnny is collecting money for his paper route and he knocks on one of his neighbors' door.  The wife answers and she's wearing sexy lingerie.  Johnny says "I'm here for the paper route money.  You owe $15."  The wife says "I don't have $15.  How about we go upstairs and and I'll let you fuck me.  Will that cover the $15?"  Johnny says "SURE!"

So they go upstairs and Johnny takes his pants off and he's packing 10 inches of dick.  The wife squeals in delight but Johnny digs into his pants pockets and starts threading big fender washers onto his dick.  The wife says "Oh honey, you don't have to do that.  I can take the whole thing."  And Dirty Johnny says "Not for $15 you can't."