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Jokes revisited.

foreversleep

By foreversleep,
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AKM

AKM

Posted
Posted
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,' Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
make love or drown...
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  • 2 weeks later...
AKM

AKM

Posted
Posted (edited)

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers.

 

To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.



I've been struggling to get my wife's attention.  So I just sat down, got comfortable.


That did the trick.

Edited by AKM
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  • 2 weeks later...
Grey Cloud

Grey Cloud

Posted
Posted (edited)

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

 

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been u son

 

me: not now dad

 

dad: they’re not asking for a YouTuber are they?

 

me: dad that man is dying

 

dad: why don’t u go over there and ask him to subscribe

Edited by Grey Cloud
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coldheartzero

coldheartzero

Posted
Posted

This one legit got passed around the office in the 90s, much to the chagrin of the many very overweight blondes that thought they were hawt shit.

 

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat

  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl

  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate

  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter

  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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coldheartzero

coldheartzero

Posted
Posted

Another that got passed around the office. One good thing about the 'net is all the funny shit I lost years ago can be easily found again.

 

THE POOPIE LIST

Potty Humor at its Finest

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poopie (The Sonic Dump)
It's so noisy that everyone within earshot starts giggling.
Drinker Poopie
Occurs after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks in the toilet bowl.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of poopie that is so big, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Liquid Plumber Poopie
This kind is so huge it plugs up the toilet and overflows all over the floor.  You should have followed the advice from Lincoln Log Poopie.
Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
I-Think-I'm-Giving-Birth-Through-My-Asshole Poopie
Combination of Lincoln Log Poopie and Spinal Tap Poopie. The shape and size resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Fire in the Bowl Poopie
The kind of poopie that singes the hair around your butt on its way out.
Rosy Cheeks Poopie
The kind where you have to wipe so many times it feels like you've sanded off most of the skin on your butt.
Porridge Poopie
The kind that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You can either flush and continue, or risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
Bunny Poopie
When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
Mexican Food Poopie (The Toxic Dump)
It smells so bad your nose burns and everyone else in the restroom rushes out gasping for air.
Upper Class Poopie
Like Clean Poopie, but also leaves no odor.
Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops...a poopie!!!
Dangling Poopie
This kind refuses to drop into the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose, because if you wipe now it'll smear all over the place.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.

 

 

This one nearly got me fired though.

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