Jokes revisited.

[Grey Cloud]

Old Bob Monkhouse gag

I want to die like my father, peacefully in my sleep. Not terrified and screaming like his passengers.

 

Old gag about the University Boat Race from Eddie Large who died a couple of days ago.

The losing team have to kiss the cox of the winners.

 

Old Bob Newhart gag

I don't like Country music. I'm not denigrating it, I just don't like it. For anyone who does like Country, 'denigrating it' means putting it down.

[Psalam]

I heard this today on the radio and the topic is timely.

 

One friend to another, "how are you doing with the quarantine?"

 

Second friend: "Fine. My wife and I have done a lot of spring cleaning. We've thrown out all hope of retirement."

[AKM]

Why did the half blind man fall into the well? 

He couldn't see that well.


How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheburg.

 

You've heard of Murphy's law, right?  It says that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.  But have you heard of Coles Law?

It's thinly sliced cabbage.


When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.


How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two but I have no idea how they got in there.


A man is on vacation with his family and stops at a hotel.  He tells the clerk: "Please make sure the porn channel is disabled."

It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!


The Budda walks up to a hotdog stand and says:

"Make me one with everything."


I slept with a blind woman the other night.  It went pretty well, mostly.  Once the clothes came off, she said "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on."

I said "You're pulling my leg."


The Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.


What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


My dog is a rescue.  Which is a really self righteous way of saying I bought a used dog.

 

Went to the doctor recently.  He said: "Don't eat anything fatty"

I said: "What, like bacon and burgers?"

He sad: "No, fatty. Don't eat anything."


I arranged a threesome on the weekend. 

Had two no-shows, but I still had fun.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him....

 

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office:

I will find you.  You have my Word.


Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?

It runs in your jeans.

Went to a zoo the other day and the only animal there was a dog.

 

It was a shih tzu.


I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme a little too far.

 

This one time I was eating there and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.


Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

 

Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

Not Sally.


What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.
 

 

When asked by a feminist how I view lesbianism,

 

apparently "In HD" was the wrong answer.

 

 

Two cows are talking in a field.  The first cow says "Hey man, you worried about this mad cow disease that's going around?" 

The second cow says "I'm sure glad it doesn't affect us helicopters."

 

 

Did you hear about that new movie "Constipation"?

No.

That's because it hasn't come out.

 

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender asks "Hey, do you want a drink?"  The horse thinks a moment, says "I think not.", and suddenly disappears. 

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher Renee Descartes, who famously said "I think, therefore I am."  The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

but if I explained that first, I'd be putting Descartes before da horse.

 

Source:
 

Spoiler

 

 

[AKM]

That moment when you realize 'strap on' spelled backwards is 'no parts'.

[ToJKa]

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
 

?

[Grey Cloud]

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.

[Swanky]

Any CarlSagan42 viewers may know this:

 

I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory . I’ll beheading there shortly.

[landess]

On 5/4/2020 at 11:08 PM, AKM said:

Source:

After the first few I just started reading them using Rodney Dangerfield's voice in my head.....

 

No Way I'm going to transcribe this, but decided to post it as a link. Don't bother with the video - go straight to the comments section! People crack me up.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_ttp6er_ig

 

It's a 'What Women don't understand about men' extravaganza.

[Grey Cloud]

1 hour ago, landess said:

It's a 'What Women don't understand about men' extravaganza.

Good stuff and an extra point for the use of the word 'extravaganza'.

[nonusnomeni]

ok John will you fck Betty once or Fred twice

 

well Betty is Betty but twice is twice

[nonusnomeni]

wife

if i cheat on you

what's that make of you

widow

 

[ToJKa]

[Grey Cloud]

6 minutes ago, ToJKa said:

They don't write 'em like that, any more.

[Umbra Nensei]

"If I don't make it, tell my wife, I had another wife."

[AKM]

Twisted, with dark endings.  You've been warned.

 

When I dunk my cookies in my milk I think of you

(and then hold them under until the bubbles stop).



I use ice cream to persuade my kids to take their medicine. 

Cool! I'll try that.

 

How's that ice cream, Toby?  It was poisoned.  You'll be gone soon.
Oh look!  Here's the antidote to save you from a long and painful death [the medicine].

 

 

[In a library] DOES ANYONE KNOW-

Shhhhh! (from the librarian).

 

does anyone know CPR?

 

 

 

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

 

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

 

 

 

Musical artist, I want to thank you so much.  I got in a horrible car wreck three years ago that left me paralyzed, unable to walk.  I heard your music the other day and got up to turn it off.

 

 

 

Character wearing shirt "I help blind kids"

Hey, nice shirt!

Thanks (takes bottle of bleach and blinds kids).

 

 

 

 

Condoms are not biodegradable.  If you care about the planet, have unprotected sex!

 

STDs and babies are not biodegradable, LOL.

 

Babies are absolutely biodegradable.

 

 

 

 

If a service dog approaches you without a person, it means the person is down and needs help.  Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

 

 

 

At the heart of the sun, photons gather energy.  Slowly making their way through its burning layers.  Escaping into the cold darkness of space.  Traveling vast distances to reach our blue planet.  To land on your ice cream and melt it.

Because fuck you and your happiness.

 

 

 

[Female sitting on horses face.]

 

Why do you ride a horse like that?

 

It's not a horse, it's a unicorn.

 

 

 

 

[Kid, in hospital bed]

 

Bobby, there's someone here to see you. [Star baseball player]

 

Bobby: Hit one for me, will you Rusty?

Rusty: You got it, champ.

 

Rusty clobbers batter with the ball.

 

 

 

 

Birthday card, dinosaur on front.  Caption: At least you're not extinct

Inside: Yet

 

 

 

 

Mary, Queen of Scots was tall at 5'11".  Though she was much shorter when she died.

Her head had been chopped off.

 

 

 

Daddy, won't Santa burn himself if he comes down the chimney?

 

You're right, sweety, let's put the fire out.

 

No... ...leave it on.

 

 

 

[Girl with scissors cuts herself.] OUCH! My finger!

 

Giant band aid "I can take the ouch away!"

*Smothers girl with pillow.*

 

 

 

 

Grim Reaper's wife to Grim Reaper: "Honey, I'm ready to have a baby."

Grim Reaper: You've made me that happiest man ever [goes and kills infant]

 

Do you think he'll like sports?

 

 

 

I'm so glad I waited until marriage to have sex with you.

 

Sex is way more fun when I'm cheating on my wife!

 

 

 

If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8 ball you can see the future.  Trust me, my friend Kieth did once, and then he said he was gonna die, and then he did.

 

 

 

My coworkers got me a toaster for Christmas!  I can't wait to get home and run a nice bath and test this sucker out!

 

 

 

Romance isn't dead - a manual

Grab her waist

Pull her close

Lift her up

Batista bomb her!

 

 

 

 

So, who's your valentine this year?
 

 

My dog!  I just love him so much!

 

Here you go boy! *feeds chocolates*

 

*Places roses on dogs grave.*

 

 

 

 

Caption: When a girl smiles at me

 

Picture: Sign on a broken arcade game - 'Please don't play me.  I'm broken inside.'

 

 

 

Source:

https://www.ranker.com/list/dark-humor-yes-yes-no-posts/amaliahalpin?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=ac&pgid=1107254739340856&utm_campaign=dark-humor-yes-yes-no-posts&fbclid=IwAR2magiTAzJtX8AuW2YQQ4fPYIalooSd21tNk97CAPcQDPyG0DwEpNAgZMQ

 

[Grey Cloud]

Haiku #1

To convey one’s mood
In seventeen syllables
Is very diffic

 

By John Cooper Clarke

[ToJKa]

On 8/20/2020 at 2:57 AM, AKM said:

Twisted, with dark endings.  You've been warned.

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

[Grey Cloud]

On 8/20/2020 at 12:57 AM, AKM said:

Twisted, with dark endings.  You've been warned

You should have warned that they weren't even mildly amusing. They were about as funny as woodworm in a cripple's crutch.

[---nikoli]

Just some crap I found on the net that I thought of as funny...

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

 

[KoolHndLuke]

Before it all disappears forever.

 

 

[AKM]

Frankenstein enters a body building competition and finds that he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

I wanted to post a joke about sodium, but I was like, Na, people wouldn't understand.

[AKM]

 

BRRRRRT!

Spoiler

 

 

[gregathit]

Who thought a simple roll call could be so damn funny:

Spoiler

 

 

[AKM]

Some nice one frame joke comics on this page:

https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-comics-madebytio/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=BPFacebook&fbclid=IwAR1QxMXn8gV-PwCZsazxatnP-vWBR9ms_hxt-2jdttwpKBkvH3a4Z7hISrg

[KoolHndLuke]