Jokes revisited.

[Raven 54]

Why is sex like math?
You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.  

[Raven 54]

How is life like toilet paper?
Either you’re on a roll or you’re taking crap from someone.   

Edited October 22, 2024 by Raven 54

[Raven 54]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through that thing?”             

Edited October 22, 2024 by Raven 54

[Raven 54]

What do you get if you cross a vibrator with an alien?
A visitor from the pleasure planet.            

Edited October 22, 2024 by Raven 54

[AKM]

"I will avenge my brother! Who's with me?"

Fighter: "You will have my sword!"

Barbarian: "And my axe!"

Necromancer: "And your brother!"

From the comments on:
 

 

Edited October 23, 2024 by AKM

[AKM]

What does smoking cigarettes and eating pussy have in common?

The flavor changes when you get to the butt.

From:
 

 

[Raven 54]

On 10/22/2024 at 9:41 PM, AKM said:

The flavor changes when you get to the butt.

      

 

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.

[Raven 54]

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

 

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.

 

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

 

[Raven 54]

What did the ghost say to the vampire?
You suck in a different way!

 

 What do you call two witches who live together?
Broommates!

 

Why don’t zombies eat clowns?
They taste funny!

[Raven 54]

I had a big row with my wife  last Halloween. I yelled at her, "When you finally die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah well," she shouted back, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

 

Q: What do you call an annoying pumpkin who does stupid stuff?
A: A jack-ass-o-lantern.

 

Q: Why are pumpkins better than men?
A: Every year you get a fresh crop to choose from.

[AKM]

Whenever someone tells me that their kid is an angel, I think:

"Ohhhh.  So is Lucifer. Be more specific."

[KoolHndLuke]

[legendarytoyou]

What did the TV say to the VCR/DVD player?

 

"You ever get the feeling we're being watched?"

-Exits stage left.🙄🤣

[Raven 54]

 

 

 

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband, and says, "I shaved down there; you know what that means." The husband responds, "Yeah, the drain is clogged."        

Edited November 11, 2024 by Raven 54

[Raven 54]

 

 

 

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!"

[Raven 54]

 

 

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "It's just ice cream."

[AKM]

Why did Princess Peach choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.


 

My wife suggested we should try role reversal in bed.

So I told her 'I have a  headache'.

 

 

 

She's like a freight elevator.  Once I drop my load off, I want to push all her buttons and run away.



6,600 languages in the world.  And you decide you want to talk shit.

Source:
 

Spoiler

 

 

[sativa]

[Raven 54]

"My mom told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, 'Can I have a new bike?' He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike."

Edited November 21, 2024 by Raven 54

[Raven 54]

Why are women like hurricanes?
At first, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and car.    

[Raven 54]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?   

[Raven 54]

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.   

[Raven 54]

A vagina is like the weather. Once it's wet, it's time to go inside.   

Edited December 9, 2024 by Raven 54

[Raven 54]

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.   

[Raven 54]

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I didn't even care.