Jokes revisited.

[Hepar]

[Wandering_Mania]

Here's one:

 

What the difference between a Bulgarian, and a pile of dog shit?

Spoiler

The Bulgarian is one, but the dog shit smells good.

 

[AKM]

I ran into a lamp post yesterday.
 

Lucky, I only received light injuries.

[AKM]

I used to teach origami.  Gave it up.  Too much paperwork.

 

 

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person!

 

All this time, I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

 

 

Question: What's your favorite paradox?

Answer:  If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie 'UP', he can not give it to you, as he can never give you up.  However, in doing so, he lets you down.  Thus creating the Rick Astley paradox. 

Edited October 16, 2025 by AKM

[Wandering_Mania]

7 hours ago, AKM said:

Question: What's your favorite paradox?

Answer:  If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie 'UP', he can not give it to you, as he can never give you up.  However, in doing so, he lets you down.  Thus creating the Rick Astley paradox. 

Ah so you mean like this:

Spoiler

 

 

[AKM]

[AKM]

I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[AKM]

It's not your standard swear jar.  

You reach in and pull a piece of paper out of it, then yell out whatever is written on the piece of paper.

 

 

 

Two slices of bread got married.  The wedding was amazing...

 

Until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

 

 

 

It was not a good idea to challenge death to a pillow fight.

I was not prepared for the reaper cushions.

 

 

 

 

My wife hates The Monkees [band].

 

I didn't believe her...  Then I saw her face.
 

Spoiler

 

 

 

Edited October 31, 2025 by AKM

[Wandering_Mania]

'Brown spots on the wall' By Whoflung Dung

'Yellow rivers in the sand' By I.P. Freely

[Grey Cloud]

If it weren't for school shootings there would be no evidence that the Americans has an education system.

Edited November 4, 2025 by Grey Cloud

[AKM]

I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick.

 

She's still not speaking to me.

 

 

 

I was having dinner with some friends when one of them accused me of having no sense of direction.

I was so angry I packed up my stuff and right.

 

 

 

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

 

oof.

 

 

 

 

Just so everybody's clear,

 

I'm going to put my glasses on.

 

 

 

 

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both "lefts".

 

Which on one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

 

 

 

Frankenstein entered a body building contest.

 

He found that he seriously misunderstood the objective.

 

 

 

 

I'll do algebra.  I'll do trigonometry.

 

But geometry is where I draw the line.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 9, 2025 by AKM

[AKM]

I thought I was indecisive.

Now I'm not so sure.

 

 

 

 

My father owned a coal company but kept it mostly to himself.

 

Mined his own business.

 

 

 

 

Just a reminder: No matter how hard you push the envelope

 

It will always be stationary.

 

 

 

 

I asked my phone: "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

It said: "I'm Alexa, you moron!"

 

 

 

 

I lost three fingers of my right hand so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said: "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."

 

 

 

 

Some people are out here, walking around still "it" from recess 35 years ago and they don't even know it.

 

 

 

 

Even if a bear wears socks and shoes...

 

He still has bear feet.

 

 

 

 

A cannibal once took my girlfriend to see a Russel Crow film.

 

"Gladiator?"

No, I really miss her.

 

 

 

 

My wife said: "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."

I replied: "That's 15 love"

(It's one of many serious oddities of tennis; a considerably weird scoring system.)

 

 

 

 

What's the most used language in programing?

Profanity.

 

 

 

 

I've decided to learn jokes in sign language.

 

That way, I can guarantee no one's heard them before.

 

 

 

 

I just watched my wife trip and drop a basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

Edited November 17, 2025 by AKM

[AKM]

This one's a little political, theoretically.  It absolutely is a perfect political resume, though.
 

Spoiler

 

 

 

[AKM]

 

A man who was in court for stealing a bag took just three minutes to get sentenced.

It was a briefcase.

[AKM]

 

An invisible man married an invisible woman.

 

The kids were nothing to look at, either.



My son was chewing on an electrical cord, so I had to ground him.  

He's doing better currently.  Conducting himself properly.




The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.




You think gas and electric bills are expensive.  Have you seen chimneys?

They're through the roof!




Yesterday, I opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time.

I was shocked.




Every morning, I announce that I'm going jogging to my family.  And then I don't go.

It's become a running joke.




My son asked me what it was like to be married.  So I told him to leave me alone.

So when he did, I said "Why are you ignoring me?"






 

[Z0mBieP00Nani]

[AKM]

I don't know what the best part about Switzerland is

But their flag is a big plus

 

 

 

 

I told my wife I was cold.

 

She told me to go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees there.

 

 

 

 

A woman was accused of attacking her husband with his guitars.  The judge asked "First offender?"

She responded: Nope.  "First a Gibson.  Second a Fender."




If a king sleeps on a king size bed, and a queen sleeps on a queen size bed, where does a prince sleep?

On an heir mattress.




Name a book that made you cry.

Algebra

 

 

 

 

What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?

It Hertz.

 

 

 

 

The existence of a gravy boat and a gravy train

 

implies an entire gravy transportation system.  Why isn't anyone talking about this?

 

 

 

 

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "It's going to rain."  His wife asked "How do you know?"

"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

Edited December 6, 2025 by AKM

[Z0mBieP00Nani]

Stolen, but still worth a chuckle. This is making fun of the absurdity of "bait and switch" fees attached to hotels, where they will advertise a price for a room and then tack on a bunch of hidden fees for services you may or may not even use once you get there, causing the final bill to be more expensive than expected.

 

"A customer was checking out of a hotel, and was hit with a number of fees. He said he never used these services, but the hotel clerk said "they were there." So the man writes a $300 discount on the bill for "services provided by guest". The clerk asks "what is this for?", and the man replies "sleeping with my wife." The clerk protests that he never slept with the man's wife, to which the man responds, "She was there.""

[AKM]

 

 

 

 

 

What kind of bow can't go on presents?

An elbow.




The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.




I lost my job at the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

 

I told my wife that if I ever owned a sailboat, I would name it Ccccccc.

That way, I can sail the seven C's.




Don't blame others for the road your on.

It's your own asphalt.




Milking stools only have three legs because the cow has the udder.





 

There’s nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your heeeeeeead.

In your heeeeeeead, in your head, in your head, in your head in your hea, hea, hea, head…

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

Edited December 10, 2025 by AKM

[AKM]

 

Spoiler

Loona on a tuna

 

 

 

Spoiler

 

Made of tiramisu?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder if there were actually 102 Dalmatians.

But the other one was never spotted.

 

 

 

 

They say sniffing Rosemary will improve your memory.

I sniffed Rosemary once.  She hit me.  I don't remember anything after that.




What does a cow have three of and a girl have four of?

Letters.

Edited December 13, 2025 by AKM

[AKM]

The 1970's, Berlin.  At the checkpoint, a U.S. and Soviet soldier are talking to pass the time.

The U.S. soldier says to the Soviet: "In the U.S., we have freedom of speech, but you don't have that in the Soviet Union!"

To which the Soviet soldier replies: "You are incorrect, comrade!  We do indeed have freedom of speech.  We just don't have freedom after speech!"



In the 1970's a man went to visit Moscow to see if life was really better there.  Walking around, he didn't notice a giant pothole in the road that has filled with rain water and falls in.  Clearly angry as he pulls himself sputtering from the water, he demands of the onlooking crowd why this danger was not marked with red flags like any normal country.

"But mister foreigner!  Did you not see the giant red flag when you landed at Moscow airport?"

 

 

 

 

In the 1960's, the world is in shock as the Soviets achieve the first successful human launch into space.   A university invites cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin to give a speech to inspire young Soviet students.  

"I dedicated my whole life to this", said Gagarin.  It was an awesome feeling, and I always knew I was going to achieve it one day.  After launch, I was excited, but calm at the same time.  Then the second stage engine ignited; everything was fine.  Then the third stage. A small issue, but I fixed it quickly.  Then the fourth stage - I was almost there!  

The students listened, clearly captivated by every word coming out of Gagarin's mouth.  "And then, my friends, the fifth stage.

"After years of hard work, I was finally out of the Soviet Union."




In the 1970's a young Russian couple is going to have a baby and needs a baby carriage.  Luckily for them, he happens to work at a carriage factory.  So, day by day, he sneaks out the parts to build a carriage.  Finally, he has all the parts, and starts to build it, but is unsuccessful.  So he tries again.  Again, he is unsuccessful.  A third time, same result.  Finally, his wife asks him what's going on.

I don't know, honey.  Every time I start out with the parts for a baby carriage, yet every time I finish, I have an AK-47 in my hands.

 

 

 

 

An American and a Russian die and go to hell.  The devil greets them personally, and tells them that they have a choice between the capitalist hell and the communist hell.  "What's the difference?", they ask.  The devil explains.  "In the capitalist hell, you have to eat one bucket of sh*t every morning.  In the communist hell, you have to eat two."  The American shrugs.  "I'll take the capitalist hell, it sounds like a better deal."  The Russian says "I am a loyal Soviet man.  I will go to the communist hell and do my duty for the motherland."

A year later, the two meet again.  The American looks terrible.  The Russian asks "How is the capitalist hell?"  "It is awful", replies the American.  "I eat my bucket of sh*t every morning, but after that, I am free to do whatever I want.  How about you?  How is the communist hell?"

The Russian just shakes his head.  "It's a disaster - as usual.  Half the time they've run out of sh*t, and the other half, there aren't enough buckets for everyone."




A Soviet officer walked into Brezhnev's office and told him of a coup in Africa that established a new communist government.  "How are they doing?", Brezhnev asked.

"They are doing great!", replied the officer.  "The only problem is, they are experiencing a nation wide shortage of sand."

 

 

 

 

In the 1960's, a Finnish border guard is standing watch on the Soviet-Finland border.  Suddenly, he sees a huge horde of rabbits running toward him from the Soviet side.  He stops the rabbits and asks them "What happened?  Why are you escaping?"

The rabbits answer:  "The communist party has declared that all giraffes are enemies of the people, and must be hunted down."

The Finn responds: "But you are not giraffes...?"

The rabbits respond: "Yes, we are not giraffes, but try explaining that to the KGB."




The 1970's.  A Soviet citizen applies for an exit visa.  He wants to emigrate to the U.S..  As a result, he is summoned to KGB headquarters.  An interrogator leans across the table.

"I see here that you want to move to the U.S.., comrade?"  The man nods.  "Tell me: Here in the U.S.S.R., don't you have food to eat?"

The man responds: "Yeah, I can't complain."

"And here in the U.S.S.R., you have a place to live."

"Yeah, yeah.  I can't complain."

"And here in the U.S.S.R., you have a job?"

"Yeah.  I can't complain."

The KGB officer throws his hands up in frustration.  "So comrade, why in the world do you want to move to the U.S.?"

The man looks him straight in the eye and says: "Because there, I can complain."
 

 

 

 

 

 

It's the 1970's.  A team of Western archeologists in Egypt make an incredible discovery.  A perfectly preserved mummy.  But after weeks of testing, they hit  wall.  They simply can not determine its name or origin.  Frustrated, they turn to a Soviet advisor from a nearby dig known for his unconventional methods.  The advisor confidently agrees to help, and the mummy is transferred to the Soviet embassy.  Two hours later, the advisor emerges, looking satisfied.  "We have a name", he says calmly, "Aminkotemp the 23rd."  The lead Western archeologist is stunned.  "Astonishing!  How on earth did you find out so quickly?"

The Soviet advisor adjusts his tie and says "He confessed."




1924, Lenin is on his death bed, talking to Stalin.  "What's going to happen after I die?"

Stalin replies: "I will take over the Soviet Union as its new leader."

Lenin asks "But what if they don't follow you?"

Stalin replies: "Then, they will follow you."




1950's Soviet Union.  Stalin is sitting in his office, signing papers.  Suddenly, his assistant bursts through the door.  "Comrade Stalin!  There is a man just came in, he claims to be clairvoyant!    He says he can see the future!" 

Without missing a beat, Stalin says "Send him to the Gulag.  If he really can see the future, he wouldn't have come here."




A U.S. soldier tells a Russian soldier: "I can go into the White House, pound my fist on President Reagan's desk and say "Mr. President, I don't like how you are running our country!"

The Russian responds.  "I can do that as well."

The U.S. soldier.  "What??"

The Soviet: "Oh yes.  I can go into the Kremlin, pound my fist on the General Secretary's desk and say "Comrade General Secretary, I don't like the way Mr. Regan is running his country!"




1980's, a Western journalist visits the Soviet Union.  While walking around Moscow, she comes across a long line in front of a market.  She goes up to the people and asks a Soviet citizen "Is it always long lines in front of markets?"

"Oh, no ma'am.  Only when there is something to buy."

[In all seriousness, with regards to Soviet/Russian markets, apparently, there is one line that everyone uses as the "base line", and then people hold each others' places while they go off and get whatever else they need in much shorter, and obviously faster moving lines.  Heard that from a visitor who didn't understand how things worked.  They found out the hard way, while actually needing whatever the main line was for that wasn't moving.]

Edited December 17, 2025 by AKM

[AKM]

A U.S. soldier and a Russian soldier on opposite sides of a Berlin checkpoint.   "In America, it's always fun.  You can always find a big party to go to."

The Russian responds:  "In Soviet Russia, it is even better. The biggest party of country comes to you!"
 

 

 

It's the 1950's, and Khrushchev is about to give a speech in the Soviet parliament.  Suddenly, someone shouts out "Why didn't you speak out when Stalin was killing millions?"

Khrushchev snaps in anger "Who said that?"  A heavy silence fills the room.  No one answers.  Khrushchev breaks the silence.

"That's why I didn't speak out."




I threw an Asian down the stairs the other day.

It was Wong on so many levels.




What do you call a priest who graduated from law school?

Father in law.




What do you call a Chinese guy with one leg?

Uh... Lin Ping?

Tai Wan Shoe.




We just found out that my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than me.




I started a night club for guys with erectile dysfunction.  

It was a total flop and nobody came.

 

 

 

 

A lion would never play golf.

But a tiger would.

Spoiler

 

U.S. professional golfer Tiger Woods.

Comedian discussing his college girlfriend.
 

 

 

 

 

1980's socialist Bulgaria.  General Secretary Tordor Zhivkov is walking through a market when he stops and sees a seller with a single watermelon.  The seller says "Choose one."  

Zhivkov asks "What do you mean 'choose'?  There is only only one watermelon."

The seller replies "Well, you are the only candidate in the elections, too, but we still choose you, every time."

 

 

They had a sandbox in their house.
 

Days before the fall of the wall in 1989, a Russian soldier says to a U.S. soldier: "I guess we failed at achieving true communism."

The U.S. soldier replied: "You should have known communism wouldn't work.  There were a lot of red flags."

 

 

 

Water balloon fight joke, etc.
 

 

 

He needs a girlfriend immediately!

 

 

 

1930's, Stalin has a new girlfriend.  "You should come over.", she says.  "I can't.", he responds.  "I'm busy sending people to the gulag."  "But my parent's aren't home.", she says.

"I know.", he says.
 

Love of my Life (slightly religious; still funny)

 

 

Edited December 27, 2025 by AKM

[AKM]

Shovels remain the most groundbreaking invention ever.


Regan jokes about Murphy the spy:
 

 

Regan and the Irish tombstone:
 

The Soviet shop that is not out of fish:
 

 

Edited January 7 by AKM

[Count Chocula]

On a buddy's t-shirt: 7 days without a pun makes 1 weak

[AKM]

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just wake up and scream.


Humans and apes.  Right, so... scientific terms?
 

 

 

Some people call snow romantic.
 

 

Edited January 14 by AKM