Jokes revisited.

[Raven 54]

Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.    

[AKM]

 

 

More jokes in images below:

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2024 by AKM

[Raven 54]

Spoiler

My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

 

[Raven 54]

Spoiler

 A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

 

[Raven 54]

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."     

[AKM]

12 hours ago, Raven 54 said:

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."     

Good one!

I bought a wooden car.  It's got a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden seats, wooden wheels and even a wooden key.

Guess what?

Wooden start.

[Raven 54]

   

 

Spoiler

 

[Raven 54]

My kid, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.   

[Raven 54]

Dr. Seuss' TOP SECRET Cartoons Are His WILDEST

Spoiler

 

 

[AKM]

On 12/24/2024 at 4:58 AM, Raven 54 said:

Dr. Seuss' TOP SECRET Cartoons Are His WILDEST

  Hide contents

 

 

Private SNAFU was Dr. Seuss?  Did not know that.  "Ah!  Something new has been added!" (...Ba ba ba ba ba BOOBIE TRAP!!!   YEEEEEE-OW!)

...

My neighbor has just left to go on vacation.

Before they left, they turned up at my house and said "Here's a spare key for you to feed my dog." 

Now, I've thought about their request, but to be honest, I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

Edited April 17, 2025 by AKM

[AKM]

I went to a record store.  They said they specialized in hard to find records.  Nothing was alphabetized. - Mitch Hedberg

[RedHeadAngel]

This joke is from Band of Brothers and is one of my favorites.

Spoiler

SSgt. 'Wild Bill' Guarnere: So, Heffron tell you about Doris yet?

 

Pvt. Lester 'Leo' Hashey: No.

 

SSgt. 'Wild Bill' Guarnere: No? Mm. Well, then, I'm gonna educate you. We're getting ready to get on a plane for that first frog town we never jumped into. All of a sudden, Heffron stops dead in his tracks. Bing and a bang and a boom. Everybody banging into each other. Heffron's just staring at the nose of the plane because on it, is painted this beautiful pinup. And written underneath: "Darling Doris." Doris, which just happens to be the name of the skirt who, just that day, sent Babe one of them letters. You know, the... Web, what do you call them letters that the broads send?

 

Pvt. David Webster: Uh, "Dear John" letter.

 

SSgt. 'Wild Bill' Guarnere: That's it, a "Dear Babe" letter. Well, anyway, lucky for Babe, Patton overruns our drop zone. Mission cancelled. In other words, Babe don't have to risk getting inside old Doris again.

[Grey Cloud]

I come from a sporting family. My grandfather was a boxer and my grandmother a cocker spaniel.

[Guest]

[AKM]

[AKM]

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it.  It's Spam.

[RedHeadAngel]

My dad told me this one when I was a kid.

 

An army general is walking through a boot camp to inspect the progress of new recruits. However, he notices that one of the drill sergeants has all his recruits standing at attention, not doing anything.

 

He walks over and questions, "Sergeant, why are your men not training?"

 

The drill sergeant replies, "Because, sir, I enjoy staring at my privates."

[AKM]

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side.  So I crashed the car.  ...And then ignored her all day for no reason.
 

 

[Grey Cloud]

Wife (upstairs): Do you ever get a pain like some one sticking a pin in a voodoo doll?

Husband (downstairs): No.

Wife: How about now?

[AKM]

I was in court recently. 

 

The judge found me guilty of being egotistical. 

 

I am appealing.

[AKM]

Scientists have discovered that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

This is a classic case of in one ear and out the udder.

[AKM]

These posts were removed because someone took a fence.

[AKM]

 

Edited April 27, 2025 by AKM

[sativa]

[legendarytoyou]

This one is kind of long winded but it's still hilarious.

 

City slicker Jim wants to try his hand at being a farmer, so he goes to a local rural community farm for some advice.  Farmer Joe wants to help he starts with a sale.

"Well first thing you're going to need is an ass for your plow.  Turns out I have this one mule for sale for $40.  It's yours if you got the cash but I should warn you Sammy here gets a little ornery if you don't scratch him here on the neck."  So Jim buys the mule for his plow but Joe asks him if he has a chicken coop.  Jim says yes but only hens.  Joe of course says, "Ugh that's not going to work, you need a rooster for the hens to keep them safe and make baby chickens too.  Here have this spare one I needed to get rid of.  Can't really keep lots of roosters otherwise they'll start fighting each other for hens.  Around here we call them cocks."

So Jim thanks Joe and starts walking back to his new ranch with his new rooster and mule.  Along the way he sees this beautiful young woman walking down the road toward him.  He suddenly notices that Sammy is getting nervous and starts becoming agitated. 

Jim approaches her saying, "Excuse me ma'am, will you please hold my cock.  I need to scratch my ass."

Edited May 10, 2025 by legendarytoyou