Corrupt A Wish

[ThatSeasonsGal]

Granted, you have a beer, which is about as cold as the fiery pits of hell

 

I wish I had mangoes 

[Fienyx]

Granted, but they have been genetically altered to produce nitroglycerin, so the y explode when you bite them.

 

I wish I could hang out with Johnny Depp

[Guest]

Granted but Johnny Depp refuses to speak to you all day.

 

I wish I were on holiday

[Buddy Christ]

Granted, welcome to a nice sunny spot in the exact middle of the Sahara all by yourself!

 

I wish someone would cook for me.

[Guest]

Granted, I cooked you some delicious salmon & spinach lasagna. My secret ingredient for extra creaminess? Semen, ehe! 

 

I wish a wizard came from the moon.

[Buddy Christ]

Granted, he came right on your face

 

I wish I wouldn't have to go outside to get a pack of smokes.

[Guest Comrade DR. MAHUJ DIK]

Granted, but now the smoke will be acidic and melt your lungs.

I wish I could shoot laser from my dick (it would be funny, I could shout: Behold my penetrator cannon)

[Guest]

Granted, you can't control it though and keep singeing your legs.

 

I wish children were stronger than adults.

[ThatSeasonsGal]

Granted, but they have been genetically altered to produce nitroglycerin, so the y explode when you bite them.

 

I wish I could hang out with Johnny Depp

Then I'll lick them

 

Granted, you can't control it though and keep singeing your legs.

 

I wish children were stronger than adults.

Granted, now children rule the world, leading to an empire of idiocy

 

I wish I was better at google's offline dinosaur game

[Fienyx]

Granted, everyone else who plays has suddenly gotten worse than you (you haven't actually gotten any better) making you the best.

 

I wish coffee could cure cancer.

[ThatSeasonsGal]

Granted, it cures cancer, but gives AIDS

 

I wish the weather was nicer

[Guest Comrade DR. MAHUJ DIK]

granted, will be nice for people that loves heat and the temperarure will rise 20 celsius

I wish the bastard that mugged me and took my cellphone dies a horrible cruel and painfull death.

[spoonsinger]

Granted, they die at the hands of a more extreme mugging bastard who now has your cellphone, has friends who can crack it, (if necessary), and therefore knows where you live and knows that you have enough disposable income to afford a cellphone which is worth nicking.

 

I wish that espguy gets their phone back.

[ThatSeasonsGal]

Granted, but it has no battery

 

I wish muggings weren't so common

[spoonsinger]

Granted, muggers from now on will all wear top hats and tails. (Unless they are female, in which case they will wear slinky 1940's film noir type dresses). However they will all still be bastards.

 

I wish this bottle of £4.29 bargain basement plonk was slightly less urgggggghhhhhhh!.

[Buddy Christ]

Granted, it tastes like the best wine (if "plonk" actually refers to wine) you have ever tasted, but gives you a 7-day-headsplitting hangover for each sip.

 

I wish I knew the meaning of life.

[spoonsinger]

Granted, it's a cumulative quantum level effect from a random probability field. (enjoy it or not, depending on your disposition)

 

I wish the previous respondants answer was right. 

[Fienyx]

Granted, but along with the hangover, you also get expolsive diarrhea.

 

I wish my phone would give me the desktop site when I request it.

[ThatSeasonsGal]

Granted, but it works even worse than you could have ever imagined

 

I wish I was better at Metro 2033

[Fienyx]

Granted, you are the slightly better, but can't play anything else worth crap.

 

I wish snozberries really did taste like snozberries.

[ThatSeasonsGal]

Granted, now everything tastes like snozberries

 

I wish I knew what snozberries are

[Fienyx]

Granted, but now everytime you close your eyes, you naked oompa loompas.

 

I wish I could release endorphines and dopamines at will.

[durinvi]

Granted, but now they are released out of your ears.

 

I wish dogs could talk.

[ThatSeasonsGal]

Granted, enjoy the ceaseless jabbering

 

I wish I didn't know what snozberries actually were 

[Buddy Christ]

Granted, but sadly extracting that knowledge wipes everything else as well. Welcome to being a vegetable!

 

I wish I was 25 again with the knowledge about all the mistakes I made since then and the ability to change or avoid them.