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A vaguely humorous Skyrim playthrough

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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 48: This Is No Yoking Matter

DIARY OF A DRAGONBORN CHAPTER 48: This Is No Yoking Matter In which our hero rearranges the political landscape with a few words. Previous: Chapter 47: Control Weather is a 7th Level Spell   Paarthurnax seems relieved to have his mountain all to himself again, as if Alduin couldn't, you know, just turn right around and come back as soon as I bugger off. He tells me that to proceed, I'll need to capture a dragon and have him do... something. It's not very clear. This captured dragon will someho
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 47: Control Weather is a 7th Level Spell

DIARY OF A DRAGONBORN CHAPTER 47: Control Weather is a 7th Level Spell Wherein our hero encounters a goat that can Shout, apparently. Previous: Chapter 46: Sky Haven Temple   Well, now I know how to defeat Alduin. I guess? I have to shout at him, but I'm pretty sure other people have done that before and it hasn't helped. I mean, they defeated Alduin once before, right? So how exactly is my doing it again supposed to help? He'll just be back in a few thousand years. So basically what I'm doing
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 46: Sky Haven Temple

DIARY OF A DRAGONBORN CHAPTER 46: Sky Haven Temple In which our hero frigging CUTS himself! As if other people aren't lined up to do that already! Previous: Chapter 45: Whatever You Say   A wise man once wrote: "A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.” Of course, he was writing a fantasy book, this is a fantasy game the real world, but the principle still stands. Just because I was g
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 45: Whatever You Say

CHAPTER 45: Whatever You Say In which our hero is buffeted along by the wings of Fate. Previous: Chapter 44: I'm seeing little blue men WITHOUT the benefit of drugs!   Well, after a night in the local tavern (aptly named "retch" something-or-other), I've worked up the courage to leave this godsforsaken island and head back to the godsforsaken mainland. I'll always treasure my time here, in particular the amount of treasure I've gotten from various dungeon crawls and bandit group slaughters. Bu
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YAIAP

YAIAP Stands for Yet Another Intermission And Poll. This is basically a straw poll. Rather than present a click-and-choose, I'm basically taking requests. Write in the comments below, if you dare.   I'm sort of at a crossroads here. There are a bunch of things I could be doing, none of them are terribly boring, all of them have at least something to write about, be it good or bad (though considering my writing so far, probably mostly bad ). I'll run a straw poll in the comments here, then do
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 44: I'm Seeing Little Blue Men Without The Benefit Of Drugs!

CHAPTER 44: I'm seeing little blue men WITHOUT the benefit of drugs! Wherein our hero decides that maybe, just maybe, wholesale slaughter is not always the best policy. Previous: Chapter 43: Nchardak is Dwemeris for "Sneeze"   Well, I went ahead and wandered around the island, cleansing the stones by shouting at them and killing the fish monster that pops up. I feel like a total asshole, here - I go and scream as loud as I can and blow up some innocent, peace-loving fishman's house (insert you
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Short intermission: A quick question re Skyrim and Fallout 4

Okay, quick question time. How many of you would like to see me start a Fallout 4 playthrough? I was originally against the idea, because I'm not as happy with the game as I am with Skyrim. It's not a bad game, by any stretch, it's just sort of... bland. There's nothing really engaging about it, from a writing perspective. At least, I thought so. I figured I'd not start a Fo4 playthrough because: 1. I haven't finished with Mace Raiden yet. 2. It would end up being one big nitpick fest. Now, #1 i
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 43: Nchardak is Dwemeris for "Sneeze"

CHAPTER 43: Nchardak is Dwemeris for "Sneeze" In which our hero makes lame jokes. Previous: Chapter 42: The Fate of the Skaal   So, back at Neloth's huge towering mushroom-headed monstrosity, I enter the hole at the base and proceed to be blown right up to the top. Neloth himself is an uptight sort, with a real stick up his ass. After berating me for existing for a bit, he calms down and asks me what I'm here for. I tell him I've already had dealings with Hermaeus Mora, and he seems momentaril
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Intermission: No Skyrim For A While

I was going to continue playing Skyrim where I left off with Mace, but my sister got me Fallout 4 for the Solstice, which I did not ask for and did not actually want. Now that I have it, though, I feel compelled... so that's what I'll be playing for a while. I'm not sanguine about how I'm going to like it, but I'm really hoping it'll be a sort of tsundere situation eventually. Gods willing. So the Skyrim playthrough is being put on the back burner again (not that it's been on the front burner fo
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 42: The Fate of the Skaal

CHAPTER 42: The Fate of the Skaal In which our hero kills a Humanoid from the Deep Previous: Chapter 41: X Marks the Spot   Okiedokie, we've arrived at the Skaal village after a trip that should have only taken maybe an hour but seemed to have taken several months. But whatever, we're here, finally. And... nobody else is. I mean it, this place is empty. Truly a thriving bastion of civilization in the cold north, indeed. There's also supposed to be an invisible barrier around the town, but I ne
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 41: X Marks the Spot

CHAPTER 41: X MARKS THE SPOT In which our hero goes on a treasure hunt! Previous: Chapter 40: Mushrooms... again?   Heading east, the first place I find is a bandit camp. Like the "reavers," these guys decided that "bandit" was a bad name for their little group, and decided to re-brand. Also like the reavers, they got some really bad advice, and picked "pirate" instead. As we approach, they're arguing, something about a map and a curse. I didn't catch much after that, because we were instantly
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 40: Mushrooms... Again?

CHAPTER 40: MUSHROOMS... AGAIN? In which our hero visits a giant magic mushroom. Previous: Chapter 39: Tentacle Monsters Ahoy!   The first thing I see out of the gate is a guard fighting a couple more of these ash monsters. After quickly dispatching the beasts, the dude introduces himself as Veleth, the guard captain at Raven Rock. He is either a real dumbass who decided to investigate the attacks on the town personally, OR there is so little for him to do back in Raven Rock that he was bored
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 39: Tentacle Monsters Ahoy!

CHAPTER 39: TENTACLE MONSTERS AHOY Wherein our hero begins exploring a new land. Previous: CSI: Skyrim   Recent events have made me really wish for a real villain, a foe worthy of my caliber. Holmes had his Moriarty, Xavier had his Magneto, Toothpaste had Mr. Tooth Decay... and what do I have? A vampire who wants to kill himself off by blotting out the sun, an Elf who wants to conquer the world by playing with a big blue ball, and a master thief who goes about stealing stuff in the most ludicr
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Diary of a Dragonborn: CSI: Skyrim

Previous: Intermission 4   There's a Cops: Skyrim series, why not CSI: Skyrim?   10:54, Loredas, 29th of Sun's Dusk. Call came in about a "suspicious noise" at the home of Nepos the Nose, a local resident on the upper tier. Caller reported something that sounded like "some kinda dragon sneezin' or somethin' an' hootin' an' hollerin' an' makin' a ruckus."   When we arrived on-scene, everything appeared normal.   No signs of any struggle. These people live like pigs, but that's down to th
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Diary of a Dragonborn: Intermission 4

Previous: Chapter 38, Assault on Vampire Central   POLL:     In the meantime, here are some pics just for fun.   1. I was going to post this as the entirety of Chapter 37, just to be a troll. But I figured that Supercow would probably kick my ass if I tried.   2.These are Mace's two main weapons. An Ebony Battleaxe with my second favorite enchantment of all time: Chaos. I gotta say, if you want some good DPS, it's worth buying the Dragonborn DLC JUST for that enchantment. It also has
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 38: Assault on Vampire Central

CHAPTER 38: ASSAULT ON VAMPIRE CENTRAL In which our hero just kind of sits back and lets stuff happen. Previous: Chapter 37, Something Interesting on the Other Side   We return to the Bastille-inspired architectural wonder known as Fort Dawnguard to enlist the aid of the Vampire Hunters Local in the coming struggle against the forces of apathy. Darkness, I mean. Forces of darkness. Yeah.   Back wayyyyy across the province, back south of Riften, to Fort Dawnguard. Isran seems pleased that we
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 37: Something Interesting on the Other Side

CHAPTER 37: SOMETHING INTERESTING ON THE OTHER SIDE In which our hero bitterly, and probably ignorantly, complains about blindness. Previous: Chapter 36, Dimfall or Darkhollow or Something Like That   Spoiler alert: Serana and I walk through the portal together.   It's an interesting portal, too - the static image behind it is slightly larger than the aperture, so it actually looks like a real magical gateway rather than a flat pic. Pretty nifty. It also tells me that we're safe for a minut
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 36: Dimfall or Darkhollow or Something Like That

CHAPTER 36: DIMFALL OR DARKHOLLOW OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT Wherein our hero pads out the length with pictures, because he can't be arsed to do any writing. Previous: Chapter 35, Some Old Parchment   WARNING: This post, unlike the rest of this blog, is NSFW (depending on your definition of NSFW - I curse a lot in general, but this post has pictures of naked ladies, or rather one naked humanoid creature that could be called a lady if you were desperately searching for an identifier). I'm well awar
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 35: Some Old Parchment

CHAPTER 35: SOME OLD PARCHMENT Wherein our hero gets a headache. Previous: Chapter 34, The Seventh Sign and the Implied Tentacle Rape   Over the river (at least, I'm almost certain there was a river somewhere between Winterhold and Riverwood) and through the woods (there's bound to be a tree or two twixt the twain) to Fort Dawnguard we go. Has a certain ring to it, yes? We (and by "we" I mean "me, followed by a puppy-dog in human form named Serana") arrive back at the Fort, scrolls in tow, so
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 34: The Seventh Sign and the Implied Tentacle Rape

CHAPTER 34: THE SEVENTH SIGN AND THE IMPLIED TENTACLE RAPE In which our hero gets uncomfortably close to Hermaeus Mora, the Daedric Prince of Greenish Ooze. Previous: Chapter 33, Lost and Found   So I've noticed that I often begin these journal entries with the word "so," and I've decided not to do that this time. Wait... crap.   Anyway (another favorite paragraph starter), after my recent sojourn in the Soul Cairn, I feel that I may actually be skilled enough at killing undead to join the
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 33: Lost and Found

CHAPTER 33: LOST AND FOUND Wherein our hero explores the long-neglected attic of the Gods. Previous: Chapter 32, Chasing Reflected Soundwaves   So here we are, in the Soul Cairn. First impressions: not impressive. It seems to be a ruined wreck of a place populated by ghosts, spirits, and inexplicably ghostly-and-spiritlike effects. The color scheme, while spooky and otherworldly at first, begins to pall after about twelve seconds. Somewhat reminiscent of playing a CGA game on a VGA monitor, ac
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 32: Chasing Reflected Soundwaves

CHAPTER 32: CHASING REFLECTED SOUNDWAVES In which our hero refuses to get bitten. Again. Previous: Chapter 31, Vampires and Death Hounds and Gargoyles, Oh My!   So, here we are again at Castle Volkihar. After a shortish interlude where Serana talks about her childhood yet again, we walk around the castle's left side to the old docks. Apparently not unguarded, as I had thought... there are some skeletons here. These are the "tough" versions, too - none of that wussy held-together-with-string-an
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 31: Vampires and Death Hounds and Gargoyles, Oh My!

CHAPTER 31: VAMPIRES AND DEATH HOUNDS AND GARGOYLES, OH MY! In which our hero gets back into the swing of things. Previous: Chapter 30, A Prophetable Venture (skipped Diary of a Water Purifier episodes 1-4)   Whew! That trip to Whiterun sure took a long damn time.   Anyway, I've decided that I've been spending too much time traveling from shop to shop, selling stuff off. I'm sitting on a pile of gold larger than... larger than... larger than something very large, and I can buy almost anythi
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Diary of a Water Purifier, EP4

DIARY OF A WATER PURIFIER: EP4, THE CITY OF RIVETS   Recent events have made me question my previous stance on things like capital punishment. I'm warming to the idea that pissing me off is a major crime, and that justice should come swiftly to anyone who does so. And that justice should involve pieces of lead expelled from a steel tube at high velocity by the force of expanding gas emitted by a chemical reaction created by setting fire to a swiftly burning powder. In other words, I'm go
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Diary of a Water Purifier, EP3

DIARY OF A WATER PURIFIER: EP3, WE GET SIGNAL   So I'm off to GNR. It's a radio station. I've heard the dude talking, and he's okay, his news is okay, and his music is pretty good, for the most part. Moriarty tells me, or more accurately his computer tells me, that dad's gone off to the station to get the skinny on the haps. I set off into the city, killing raiders, cockroaches, ants, and ROUS's as I go.   As I'm passing a grocery store, this kid runs up to me and tells me the monsters are
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