CHAPTER 33: LOST AND FOUND
Wherein our hero explores the long-neglected attic of the Gods.
Previous: Chapter 32, Chasing Reflected Soundwaves

So here we are, in the Soul Cairn. First impressions: not impressive. It seems to be a ruined wreck of a place populated by ghosts, spirits, and inexplicably ghostly-and-spiritlike effects. The color scheme, while spooky and otherworldly at first, begins to pall after about twelve seconds. Somewhat reminiscent of playing a CGA game on a VGA monitor, actually. A normal color palette translated all wrong.

Our journey through the place is enlivened by constant surprise attacks, with black skeletons popping up from the ground at regular intervals. An astute reader will contrast the word "surprise" with the word "regular" and come to the conclusion that one of those words is wrong. The astute reader is correct - the first word is wrong. Ho-hum, another ambush. Haven't had one of those since about three minutes ago. At least the enemies here aren't anything problematic. I'd have thought that the whole "weakened because of being partially soultrapped" thing would have reduced my combat prowess somewhat, but these skeletons all seem to go down with just a couple of hits. Hardly needed to heal myself at all. Who knows - maybe I am weaker, and these are just really that pathetic.

So Serana and I jog on up the path, whacking bones and talking to dead people. Not that they're much of conversationalists... the dead are pretty boring, in point of fact. Stiff, if you will. (see what I did there?) And apparently confused as well, because one guy who was apparently a ship captain who died at sea turned out to be a warrior who died in battle. Of course, it could be me who is confused, as these spirits are all pretty identical in appearance and it's tough to tell one from the other. I looked around the whole place for Estormo, but he never showed. Probably embarrassed at his performance the last time we met.

Other than that, the place is endeadened (see what I did there?) by a couple of actual NPCs. Exhibit A is a dead merchant who offers to sell me things for bits of the vegetation (at least, I assume those are plants) that inexplicably grows around here. I don't know why he wants them, and actually neither does he... he's essentially being an ass just to be an ass. "I cannot use, have no way to store, and have no reason to desire these things you're bringing to me, but I'll be damned if I give you any of my trinkets I'm somehow able to hand over despite my ethereal nature without you giving me something in exchange." My guess is, after I leave his immediate area, he takes the plants and scurries about placing them back into the landscape, giggling to himself. I can't bear to fault him for this - it's got to be pretty boring just sitting around all day waiting for random adventurers to show up. His soul entertainment (see what I did there?) consists of a treasure hunt he makes random people do, and I feel sorry for the poor guy, so every time I pass I go ahead and trade in some plants for a book or something.

Let's see... what else is here? There's Jiub, a guy who sends me out to collect a bunch of pages that are scattered about... hmm, you know, I'm beginning to see a pattern. The longer I stay here the more depressing it gets, mostly because of the color scheme but partly because the only sentient folks around here get their jollies by asking me to engage in pointless egg hunts. Oh, Gods no. Is this to be my new profession? Mace Raiden, Professional Lost-And-Found Artist? No! I refuse to get involved any more in this drab and dreary place! I walk away from Jiub, shaking my head slowly.

The only other deadforms (see what I did there?) around are ghostly people, ghostly cows for some damn reason (probably some poor sap back in the world accidentally used a bunch of black soul gems on cows instead of people), and big floating gemstones that may or may not be the sentient godlike beings that rule the plane or possibly merely antennae for said beings. Serana is a little vague on that. What else do we have here? Bonemen, Mistmen, Wrathmen. Given the asexual nature of the creatures - it's hard to discern skeletal dimorphic traits when the skeleton in question is trying to eat you - it's an easy solution to stick with the "man" appendix. Aside from what I assume is a minor spelling error (Wrathman could mean a man of wrath, or it could be a misspelling of Wraithman), they fit the bog-standard roles of Rogue, Mage, and Fighter pretty well. And of course they continue the extant color scheme of depressing black highlighted with depressing violet, always a plus.

Oh, and a dead horse, regarding which I struggle manfully to try not to make a joke about purple horse boners, but fail. Serana looks at me in blank incomprehension, and my depression deepens. After chasing the damn thing around a bit, I finally find his skull, kill the enemies who pop up to dispute my claim on said skull, and then Arvak's previous owner comes around to congratulate me and ask me to take care of his pony. Got it, dude. I'm just sure it can't do my reputation any harm to be seen riding around Skyrim on a demonic black skeleton horse surrounded in an unholy nimbus of violet flame. I think Arvak will just remain in my spellbook where he belongs.

So that's the Soul Cairn. I wouldn't be caught dead here (see what I did there?), but unfortunately we've got to slog through, because Serana's mommy is in here somewhere. Or at least, I really hope she is... it would actually make more much sense for her to have come up with this whole elaborate ruse to lure Harkon in here to trap him, and to hide out somewhere else, like, say, somewhere south, maybe Thras. Too bad her scheme was foiled by Harkon being too damn stupid to explore his own house to find her.

But alas, Valerica isn't any smarter either, because sure enough here she is. Trapped, apparently. Apparently when you make a deal with entities that have a well-earned reputation for exercising their abilities with fine print, you should really read the fine print. Who would have thought? Not her. After Serana's talking about how stupid necromancers are stupid because they stupidly go and make deals with the Ideal Masters, you'd think she'd have something to say to her stupid mother about stupidly going and doing the same stupid thing. But no. I actually blame Valerica's hair. I suppose the devs wanted it to be reminiscent of something Bram Stoker would dream up because VAMPIRE, but it looks more like a cranial parasite, so I blame it for draining her intellect to the point where she's even dumber than her husband, which is actually kind of an impressive feat, when you think about it.

A conversation ensues between the two vampire women about how they hate Harkon. You'd think that after thousands of years of separation, the newly reunited mother and daughter would have something to talk about other than the husband/father, but I guess not. Bechdel Test: Failed. Serana does berate her mother for being all selfish and stuff, which is pretty ripe coming from a woman who can't shut up about herself and her past. Valerica proceeds to show just a glimmer of intelligence when she questions my allegiance, which is quickly quashed by Serana, who knows a good man when she sees one, she's known me for all of five minutes and apparently I'm the bee's knees to her. But whatever, I really don't care anymore. I just want out of this damned place. Let's get Valerica loose so she can give me the Elder Scroll I came here for, shall we?

The two quickly reconcile, which given their apparent mutual mistrust, mild animosity, and lack of any sort of interpersonal dynamic seems a little odd, but there you go. Valerica says that she's trapped by three Keepers, and we must kill them to let her loose. Defeat the three boss monsters to open the barrier? What's next, find the blue keycard to get past the blue gate? Red barrels go boom? Sorry Mace, your Elder Scroll is in another plane of Oblivion? This may well represent the nadir of originality for this particular game. At least, I hope to Gods it does, because if it gets any lower I may well have to commit myself to an asylum. If I don't get OUT of this place soon, I'm gonna go spare.

After whacking the keepers, we return to Valerica, who lets us in to her sanctuary, wherein we fight a dragon who takes two hits and goes down like a sack of potatoes. The battle took about twelve hours. See, the dragon is a weakling, but he persists on summoning all these damn bonemen all the time, so I keep getting distracted fighting off his minions. I honestly don't know what Serana and Valerica are doing, but it doesn't seem to involve helping me kill anything, so fuck 'em.

After the dragon dies and I don't absorb its soul, because SOUL CAIRN DRAGONS HAVE NO SOULS apparently, Valerica s.l.o.w.l.y. walks over to the case and unlocks it, presenting me with the Elder Scroll. She then tells me how to get my soul back (I actually forgot it was missing), and Serana and I skeedaddle.

Just outside, the dragon - who is called Dur-neh-viir, which in the dragon language translates as "Ugly-Goddamn-Dragon," or so I am led to believe by his physical appearance, of which the main feature appears to be dissolving skin - tells me that I can summon him by calling his name, and asks me to do so as soon as I get back to the real world. Sh'yeah, right, buddy. I'm sure there's nothing sinister about this whatsoever. I learned my lesson about trusting people way back when I trusted Mercer Fray to wait until we were out of the dungeon before stabbing me in the back, and look where it got me - stabbed in the front instead. But hey, I'm a sucker for punishment, so I guess if I ever need a dragon who appears to be slowly melting to come to my aid, I'll give you a ring, shall I?

On our way out the staircase and up through the wormhole, I cannot help but reflect back on my time spent here. Fortunately for me, there may be medication for that.

NEXT: Chapter 34, The Seventh Sign, and the Implied Tentacle Rape
Start at Chapter 1

To be fair, Serana's isn't that bad. But Valerica looks like she's trying to cosplay Princess Leia, without the benefit of a mirror, or having ever seen Star Wars for that matter.

Also, here's a reference:
Here's a game in VGA on the left, CGA on the right. The Soul Cairn looks like a darker version of the one on the right.