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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 35: Some Old Parchment


Content Consumer

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CHAPTER 35: SOME OLD PARCHMENT
Wherein our hero gets a headache.
Previous: Chapter 34, The Seventh Sign and the Implied Tentacle Rape

 


Over the river (at least, I'm almost certain there was a river somewhere between Winterhold and Riverwood) and through the woods (there's bound to be a tree or two twixt the twain) to Fort Dawnguard we go. Has a certain ring to it, yes? We (and by "we" I mean "me, followed by a puppy-dog in human form named Serana") arrive back at the Fort, scrolls in tow, so as to have Dexion perform a reading of same. Unfortunately for us, Dexion, silly ass that he is, forgot to prepare himself properly before his last reading, and has gone blind. To emphasize this fact, he's now wearing a blindfold, because if you're blind you obviously must wear a blindfold. I briefly consider the possibility that he didn't actually go blind at all, he's just senile and put his underwear on his head this morning and it slipped down, but I figure this is pretty damn dumb even for the average Skyrim inhabitant, so I forget about it.

 

Well, hell. What am I supposed to do now, I ask him? He gives me some story about how I can read the scrolls if I go to a magical place (not T.A.H.I.T.I. if you're curious) and get myself covered in moth dust first. I suppose I can understand Dexion's not preparing himself if this is what it entails. Blindness may well be sheer joy in comparison. Still, a job is a job, and I never turn down a job, except when I do, which is rarely. Mace Raiden, Job Taker, is my new profession. Has a certain ring to it, no?

 

So we're off to Ancestor Glade, an aptly-named place, considering that it does loosely fit the definition of a Glade and contains moths called Ancestor Moths. I must admit, the place does make me want to keep practicing my alchemy, if only to find out what all the new ingredients do. Scarfing down yellow flowers and whole, winged insects gives me a hint, but the best way to train the skill is to mash everything to a pulp and gulp it down, you see. I pick every piece of vegetation and animal life I can find and shove them into my pack for later.

 

But that's not my purpose here. I have to find a Draw Knife - which I'm sure will come in handy later and not just be the equivalent of a key under the doormat - and use it to gather bark, which apparently is a moth aphrodisiacal pheromone emitter, judging by the way they start flocking around me. Once I have the requisite minimum number of bugs flapping about my head trying to mate with each other, I am to stand in a beam of light and read the scrolls. Which I proceed to do. I unroll the scroll, and a powerful magic force beams a message right into my head: "This man's transformation will shock you! Make $$$ in your spare time with this one simple trick! Doctors hate her! Tax secrets the government doesn't want you to know!"

 

Ah, wait, wrong paper. Here's the right one. Reading the three scrolls emits a loud, piercing noise and my vision simultaneously darkens and brightens with a picture of some sort. Gods know what it is, looks like a spider web stretched over a piece of granite or something. There may be symbols on it, or it may just be the blood beating in my temples making me see things. After a couple of agonizing seconds staring at this apparition, it fades away and I am left with a pounding headache.

 

Serana tells me I looked funny, which may be her brain-damaged idea of a sympathy pat for all I know. She then asks me where we can find Auriel's Bow. I tell her it's in Darkfall cave. Don't ask me how I know that. When I read the damn scrolls, all I saw was a bunch of vague lines that, when looked at in a certain light, may have been a valley of sorts, but don't quote me on that. Darkfall cave? I could swear to Tuwhacca I didn't read that anywhere. So how the hell did I come to learn the name? I must've heard it instead. Maybe the scroll told me, I do picture them having a voice of sorts. I unrolled it, and it clearly said to me: "Here, old chap, what you'll need to do is nip up Markarth way, pop 'round Darkfall Cave, and Bob's your uncle, or any other member of your immediate family, should you desire to pad out the old stable, what!" For some reason, Elder Scrolls have a decidedly HRP accent. Maybe they're all from Chelsea.

 

On our way out the cave, we're attacked by vampires. What the hell are vampires doing here, now? There is absolutely no reason for them to be here! They don't have the scrolls, so they don't need a moth priest, who may happen to be blind, so they don't need a draw knife and moths and the beam of light to read said scrolls, so why the hell are they here? Don't tell me it's just because they spotted me entering, gathered up a band, and came in to kill me. They should've sent more guys. A lot more. But I wonder if they even have more guys to send at all. I know that Castle Volkihar is fairly large and all, possibly holding dozens of the blighters, but considering the sheer number of vampires I've killed since I started this bloody (hah!) questline, they've got to be getting a little thin on the ground, eh?

 

After wiping vampiric blood off my clothes and cleaning my hammer in the water, I down a couple of bottles of ale just to help me drown out the memory of the goddamn scroll reading, and then we're off to Darkfall Cave. By past experience, I can tell right away that with a name like that, it'll probably be dark, and there will be a hole in the ground you can fall in. Because that's the idea of a good naming scheme to the inhabitants of Skyrim. Got a gloomy cave? Call it Gloomreach. Got a town next to a big dragon bridge? Call it Dragon Bridge. Got a hold permanently locked in wintry conditions? Call it Winterhold. I'm sure I don't need to go on, but I will continue to do so in the privacy of my own head, for that is my occupation. Mace Raiden, Permanently Unenthralled Explorer. Has a certain ring to it, what?

 


NEXT: Chapter 36, Dimfall or Darkhollow or Something Like That
Start at Chapter 1

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Why the hell is Dexion wearing a blindfold? If you're blind, you don't need one. I get that the developers wanted a visual cue to hand the player as to his recently acquired disability, but there's already a set of eye colors in the game that are pearly white, and can make the fellow look blind anyway. A blindfold is unnecessary and unrealistic. Just change the color form - or hell, make a duplicate NPC and swap them out - instead of tying a bit of cloth 'round his head.

 

Is it unnecessary and unrealistic, though? I admit I have seen blind people walking about wearing sunglasses, so I suppose there may in fact be some reason for it, what do I know? But it just seems silly.

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Tisk... you brought the Daily Mail with you to Ancestor Glade? Seriously? You should have gotten the Times, ole chap tut tut cheerio toodle pip and all that.

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Enlarge your penis with this one weird trick! These 15 pictures of nude women will drive you wild! 10 people you love to hate! This 30 year old man paid off his credit card debt while eating this weird fruit and losing fat in just ten days or your money back on leaked photos of the most iconic photobombs that are hilarious in three months of celebrity mortgages you just won't believe!

 

Hmm... I don't think I've ever realized how much what I'm reading influences what I'm writing.

I've been going on a P.G. Wodehouse binge of late, and apparently some of that has crept in.

Be careful - there's some David Gemmell in my library. If Mace suddenly develops the personality of an elderly warrior past his prime yet determined to fight one last battle against long odds to bring down an evil power, you'll know what I've been doing lately.

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I imagine all parchment has a voice too, but it's old and coughs a lot because parchment is dusty. Face looks a bit like that rock thing from Return To Oz.

 

The Dexion thing was really annoying to start with, just wondered what was the point of him at all. Eventually started to see Club Dawnguard as the best populated place in the vanilla game, with plenty for NPCs to do rather than standing, twiddling thumbs. Needs a couple more guards but it's kind of cozy, and more NPCs just add to this. Especially with everyone sleeping in the same room.

 

Apart from when the NPC masturbate effect from SLsomething kicks in and the room turns into Wank Club, that is.

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I imagine all parchment has a voice too, but it's old and coughs a lot because parchment is dusty. Face looks a bit like that rock thing from Return To Oz.

Reminds me of the Light Fantastic by Terry Pratchett, when the eight spells are speaking to Rincewind.

 

The Dexion thing was really annoying to start with, just wondered what was the point of him at all. Eventually started to see Club Dawnguard as the best populated place in the vanilla game, with plenty for NPCs to do rather than standing, twiddling thumbs. For a bunch of vampire hunters who have dedicated their lives to eradicating the bloodsucking menace in the world, they do tend to spend most of their time just idly standing around. Needs a couple more guards but it's kind of cozy, and more NPCs just add to this. Especially with everyone sleeping in the same room.

 

Apart from when the NPC masturbate effect from SLsomething kicks in and the room turns into Wank Club, that is.

And now I'm picturing Isran, late at night. An alarm goes off...

Ding dong, ding dong! What's that? Oh, it's the alarm. Must be midnight. Come on, everybody, up and at 'em! Hands off socks and on your rocks! One two three, one two three, beat that meat, fondle that teat! Let's go, people, let's not have a repeat of last week's incident, I want everyone masturbating furiously here! Come on, Agmaer, didn't you tell me you were skilled at fucking wolves and touching your pa's ass? Durak! Stop moaning about your lost wives, Ingjard is right there, ready and willing! Florentius, you and Arkay get your dicks over here, we're starting a circle jerk. I want to see the floor wet and sticky within five minutes, folks! Move it!

 

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For a bunch of vampire hunters who have dedicated their lives to eradicating the bloodsucking menace in the world, they do tend to spend most of their time just idly standing around. I wonder if Busy Followers affects them too as they were always doing something. Industrious, although only you do any actual work. Maybe they're all vampires so they have to stay in there all the time.

 

 

Apart from when the NPC masturbate effect from SLsomething kicks in and the room turns into Wank Club, that is.

And now I'm picturing Isran, late at night. An alarm goes off...

Ding dong, ding dong! What's that? Oh, it's the alarm. Must be midnight. Come on, everybody, up and at 'em! Hands off socks and on your rocks! One two three, one two three, beat that meat, fondle that teat! Let's go, people, let's not have a repeat of last week's incident, I want everyone masturbating furiously here! Come on, Agmaer, didn't you tell me you were skilled at fucking wolves and touching your pa's ass? Durak! Stop moaning about your lost wives, Ingjard is right there, ready and willing! Florentius, you and Arkay get your dicks over here, we're starting a circle jerk. I want to see the floor wet and sticky within five minutes, folks! Move it!

 

A friend used to wake up her kids by barging into their room early in the morning with "Hands off cocks, on socks!". I was taken aback. They were 5 and 8. Never heard it anywhere else.

 

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NB: I love the fact that people are reading what I write. It's really quite validating, and makes me feel good.

 

I should point out, though, for the few people that want to follow the blog and get notifications when I add a new entry, that following individual posts doesn't actually give you notifications if I add anything new.

 

For that, you'll need to go up and click where it says "Content Consumer's Blog" and then hit "follow blog" instead.

 

That is all. ;)

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