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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 38: Assault on Vampire Central


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CHAPTER 38: ASSAULT ON VAMPIRE CENTRAL
In which our hero just kind of sits back and lets stuff happen.
Previous: Chapter 37, Something Interesting on the Other Side

 


We return to the Bastille-inspired architectural wonder known as Fort Dawnguard to enlist the aid of the Vampire Hunters Local in the coming struggle against the forces of apathy. Darkness, I mean. Forces of darkness. Yeah.

 

Back wayyyyy across the province, back south of Riften, to Fort Dawnguard. Isran seems pleased that we have Auriel's Bow... wait, scratch that. I mean to say that Isran should be pleased that we have the bow. He seems more... stoic. I get the vague feeling that he's somewhat disappointed that he wasn't the one to recover it. Dude's got some issues with needing to be the center of attention. He proves this by gathering all the Dawnguard together and making a boring, but blessedly short, speech about how we're going to kill all the vampires. Then it's off to Castle Volkihar to massacre a bunch of vampires. I'm down with that. They deserve it.

 

Hmm... I have, in the past, repeatedly considered the best way to assault Fort Dawnguard. Mostly because I feel somewhat insulted that the Dawnguard's idea of a good front-line defense is a short wooden palisade, just in front of the great big stone walls, and I am always itching to prove to them just how ineffective that is. But now I am forced to consider how best to assault Volkihar Keep.

 

Volkihar Keep stands on an isolated island in the middle of the water with the occasional rock poking up through the surface, like some remote star, orbited by a few lonely planets, which it greatly resembles. Except for the fact that stars are very hot, and this area is cold. And planets are usually bigger. And space isn't full of water like the ocean. Come to think of it, it doesn't resemble a solar system at all. Forget the whole thing.

 

The point is it's a tough nut to crack. There are any number of potential assault points, each of which has pros and cons. We could perform the assault perhaps two or three ways in order to achieve the maximum of surprise and suffer the minimum of casualties. There's only one major problem with each of them - Isran's in charge, not me. Which means he gets to make up the battle plan. The rest of the Dawnguard agree - an obsessive megalomaniac bent on proving just how tough and strong and mean he is to everyone around him is the absolute best person to come up with a battle plan. I mean, if you can't trust someone who is suffering from a massive inferiority complex combined with a near-crippling lack of self-awareness, who can you trust?

 

So Isran comes up with a fiendishly diabolical and complicated plan for assault. We will attack the castle...

 

Through the front door.

 

It's a crazy notion, but it just might work! The ol' hit-them-where-they're-strongest ploy. We'll show them we mean business by slamming up against their defenses headfirst! Genius! We'll only lose, what, 80% of our army that way? Suits me! I mean, all Isran really needs is maybe one or two people around him when this is all over so they can see him covered in glory. Then he will truly, truly know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, who has the biggest penis.

 

Serana and I take a vote, and the two of us unanimously decide to hang back and watch the Dawnguard beat themselves to ribbons against the Vampires. Because sure enough, we're attacking at midnight, when the bloodsuckers are strongest. I blame myself, here... I thought for sure that you'd have to be a complete idiot to do that. I figured, we'd arrive at the island and wait for daylight. But I failed to remember one very important point - Isran is, in fact, a complete idiot.

 

Serana and I mount the steps of the little watchtower that stands just outside the castle bridge, and watch as the Dawnguard... huh. Actually, they do pretty good, considering their many disadvantages. I gotta hand it to Isran... he may be a real moron, but he's got a couple brain cells up on Harkon, who failed to do the most obvious thing - lower the castle gate. We'd have been stuck out there banging on the walls with our axes and hammers, and the vampires inside could have just sat there, laughing and hurling insults (and possibly a giant wooden rabbit for good measure).

 

But no, Harkon once heard the aphorism "the best defense is a good offense" and took it a bit too much to heart, so instead of remaining in his nigh-impregnable fortress, he decided to send his minions outside to do battle. You know... why did we wait so long to do this? I grant you, nobody could have predicted the stupid insanity on the part of the Dawnguard, much less the even stupider insanity on the part of the vampires, but... it strikes me that this assault could have been launched at any time in the last couple of weeks. I get that everyone thinks we need to have Auriel's Bow to defeat Harkon, but by all accounts his daughter is just about as strong as he, and she goes down from spiders. The memory still makes me nauseous.

 

Anyway, we rampage through the castle, killing vampires left and right. They really suck at fighting. And they suck. Blood. They suck blood. And they suck. Like, are not nice. See? I can make jokes too! Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night.

 

Anyway... once all the vampires inside are dead, Serana and I head in to the Inner Sanctum. Isran inexplicably fails to follow us. As we pass through the door, I could swear I hear him say "solidarity, brother" which is just sad.

 

ANYWAY... Once inside, Harkon proceeds to smarm at us for a bit, which I completely expected. I mean, really now. If he didn't smarm and tell us how foolish we were and how our defeat was inevitable, I'd probably have a heart attack on the spot. He just wouldn't be a proper villain. After insulting me and then insulting Serana, then telling us that he was going to kill us both, he turns to me and asks me to give him the bow.

 

Yep. You read that right. He demanded the bow from me. As I write this now, looking back on the moment, I honestly don't know how long I just sat there, staring at him, flabbergasted, before saying no. I mean, really now. I know he's the dumbest fuck this side of anywhere in the world, but... really? Really? Not even your stereotypical villain who fails to follow every recommendation in "if I were an evil overlord" and fits every line from TV Tropes to the letter would be that dumb, would he?

 

As I moodily shoot sunhallowed arrows at him over and over again, seemingly to no effect, while he continually summons gargoyles and skeletons and what-have-you to attack me and Serana, the whole time I'm just sort of mentally stunned. I haven't felt like this since becoming Archmage. Only this time, it's not anger at the stupidity of the world, it's sheer dumbfoundedness. I honestly am having some serious trouble coming to grips with what was supposed to go on here. I get the feeling like I must have missed a good ten minutes of dialogue somewhere.

 

Eventually the dude goes down, apparently dissolving into a pile of red... blood... ash... stuff. Isran magically appears (well after the fight is over, I must point out), and commiserates with Serana about killing her father. At least, that's what I guess it's supposed to sound like. It actually sounds more like he is having trouble coming to terms with the concept of "emotion" and doesn't honestly know whether someone killing their father would be an emotional event or not. I honestly don't give a fat flying fuck, though. I immediately divest myself of Serana, Isran, the Dawnguard, and the whole fucking mess. I just can't give a good goddamn any more. I'm gonna get tanked and sleep for a week.

 


Next: Intermission 4
Start at Chapter 1

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Next "chapter" is probably going to be another intermission. Just saying.

 

Before you wonder... no, it really isn't as bad as the College of Winterhold ending. Harkon asking for the bow actually makes a sort of twisted sense, if you consider that he is really an arrogant megalomaniac who can't conceive of the possibility of anyone disobeying him, particularly not a mere mortal. My feelings about the last bit of the Dawnguard DLC are more "meh" than anything else. It started off kind of slow, and ended kind of slow, and did a whole lot of slow in between... but it did have some really, really nifty levels and worldspaces. The writing more often than not seemed a rush job, like some poor writers were under a deadline to get the DLC out before June 2012... but it wasn't truly bad, most of it. Just... meh.

 

All in all? Worth the price, I'd say. It had some really great bits and pieces. The whole may not have been more than the sum of its parts, but most of the parts were pretty cool. Final overall grade: B-. Maybe a B.

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