DIARY OF A WATER PURIFIER:
EP2, SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB
First thing out of the vault, and I receive a radio message. It's from someone named John Henry Eden, who calls himself the President of the United States. He says that he's working tirelessly around the clock to rebuild this great nation, and if we all pull together we can bring back the good times. I look to my left and see a rocky, dusty wasteland apparently populated by giant cockroaches. I look to my right and see a ragged road
Okay...
I didn't update last week. Or the previous week.
I was sick for a while there, and didn't even play Mace Raiden... well, that's not entirely true. I had a high-ish fever and was somewhat delerious, I played Mace Raiden, went to Solstheim, and didn't figure out that Dawnguard != Solstheim for several hours of play. So that was one day wasted.
Then... I just haven't written anything. I've been sort of concentrating on making a mod, not playing the game.
Then I skipped playing Skyrim fo
CHAPTER 30: A PROPHETABLE VENTURE Wherein our hero (surprise!) despairs at other people's apparent lack of brainpower. Previous: Chapter 29, Once You Go Black...
So the first person I need to recruit is a woman named Sorine Jurard, who's been studying the Dwemer, because every academic in the entire goddamn world studies the Dwemer, you'd think after thousands of years of people studying the Dwemer someone would have figured something out, but no, they're still a complete mystery. My guess i
CHAPTER 29: ONCE YOU GO BLACK... In which our hero narrowly escapes sexual assault by Batman Previous: Chapter 28, Heard They're Reforming the Dawnguard
So, we head off to where Serana says there's a boat waiting for us. We kill a Thalmor patrol along the way who were (surprise!) escorting a poor nord prisoner whom I free and he subsequently runs off into the snow clad only in sackcloth. After that, we are attacked by a Thalmor hit squad who (surprise!) have a kill order out on me, probably
CHAPTER 28: HEARD THEY'RE REFORMING THE DAWNGUARD Wherein our hero begins buying cure disease potions in bulk. Previous: Intermission 3
Before I can begin my assassin-assassination assignation, I've got to drop some of this crap in my backpack off back home. A quick fast-travel to the Whiterun gate and BAM I'm attacked by a vampire and his loyal dogs.
Normally this sort of battle might take me around thirty seconds to finish, but what with Stenvar, a pair of city guardsmen, the blacksmit
Previous: Chapter 27, I'll Take Option D
POLL:
DIARY OF A DRAGONBORN: INTERMISSION 3
Hey, uh... I actually don't have a journal entry written yet. I haven't actually played Mace Raiden's game for a couple of weeks now. I'm sort of half-assed working on a mod, and I've got some vague, disconnected ideas about how I'm going to keep writing Mace Raiden, but... as it stands, I gots nothin' fer ya'll. So... I suppose I'll just post this crap. I wrote it up just after finishing wri
CHAPTER 27: I'LL TAKE OPTION D In which our hero decides not to bark at the moon, and gets married. Previous: My Precious
So back at Jorrvaskr, Farkas seems mildly impressed that I managed to beat Sven into submission. I'd take it as a compliment, but really, a fucking rabbit could beat Sven into submission. He tells me to go see Mr. Fragile Skjor, who has a new job for me. Farkas and I are supposed to go find a Fragment of Wuuthrad (a famous axe of famousness that everybody knows about beca
Some kinda bug or something. Previous: Chapter 26, This Place has Really Gone to the Dogs
Just checking my inventory...
Everything seems to be in order.
Nap time!
Something feels different...
What... where is it? WHERE IS IT?
Whoever took my wicker basket... shall burn.
Hey, Brenuin, have you seen...
...
Start. Running.
Have you learned your lesson?
Safe and sound...
And everything is right with the world once again.
Nex
CHAPTER 26: THIS PLACE HAS REALLY GONE TO THE DOGS In which our hero goes and joins the Companions. Previous: Chapter 25, Pretty Spry for an Old Guy
Well, Whiterun hasn't changed much since the last time I was here. Commander Caius is still a right burke, Nazeem is his understudy, and Heimskr is giving them both a run for their money. I've been to every town in this goddamn province except Morthal, and none of them are populated with decent people. I'm deliberately staying away from Morthal,
CHAPTER 25: PRETTY SPRY FOR AN OLD GUY In which our hero rescues one old person and kills another old person. Previous: Chapter 24, The Case of the Empty Vault
You'd think that, as head of not one but two major factions in Skyrim, I'd want to settle down and just run one of them. Shame I've picked the two dumbest factions to head, so no, I'm gonna go ahead and keep delivering mail and killing rats for anyone who asks me. And the last rat I was asked to kill was an old lady in the local orpha
CHAPTER 24: THE CASE OF THE EMPTY VAULT In which our hero takes the short end of the stick. Previous: Chapter 23, No Shit!
Twenty five years after Mercer killed Gallus and framed Karliah, she's back on her home turf. Brynjolf, the idiot that he is, seems inclined to trust me and Karliah enough to let us talk without going for our throats. The other members of the guild are, contradictory to my original estimation, even dumber than he, because they let him. So Brynjolf takes Karliah's word th
CHAPTER 23: NO SHIT! In which our hero spends a lot of time thinking about excrement. Previous: Chapter 22, The Non-Thieves Guild
Back in Riften (home of the Thieves Guild, as a guard helpfully reminds me, in case I've forgotten), Mercer admires the work of the mysterious person who has been working against the guild. Apparently selling mead halfway across the country is somehow a brilliant move in an intricate chess game or something.
Mercer says that the unknown person is trying to get
CHAPTER 22: THE NON-THIEVES GUILD In which our hero is shanghaied into joining a guild of thief wannabees. Previous: Chapter 21, There's A Dragon, Everybody Follow!
Crisis averted or at least ignored, I walk up to the gate. The guard at the gate tries to extort money from me. I threaten him, but he seems unimpressed. So I tell him that I know it is shakedown, and he gets shaken up, and lets me in. The way I remember the conversation going was this: --GUARD: This is a shakedown. Give me money
CHAPTER 21: THERE'S A DRAGON, EVERYBODY FOLLOW! In which our hero gets lost while fighting random monsters. Previous: Chapter 20, Forth From Winterhold
So the best way to get to Riften is via carriage, probably from Windhelm, but I'll be fucked if I go back to Windhelm without an army at my back and a torch in my hand, so I'll just teleport to Kynesgrove and walk from there.
It's a long, arduous trip. Danger abounds on every side. The danger of this trip taking three times how long it's
CHAPTER 19: BACK TO WINTERHOLD In which our hero decides to finish a damn questline for once in his life, and gets rewarded by becoming a magical archway. Or something like that. Previous: Intermission 2
Let's see, where was I? Went to Saarthal, found big blue ball, fought renegade wizards, that was fun, found dwemer map thingie, Savos Aren is dead, Ancano is doing evil things, yep, here I am. What's this? Another note? Oh, this one says Hammer 8, Magic 7. I remember this. Screw it, though.
DIARY OF A DRAGONBORN - INTERMISSION 2: MEET THE PROTAGONIST In which our hero sits down with an interviewer and answers some of your most pressing questions about himself, Skyrim, and his life. Previous: Chapter 18, It Was An Accident
Q: Welcome to the show, Mace. Can I call you Mace? A: Sure, and glad to be here, anonymous interviewer. Can I call you Anonymous?
Q: Uh... sure. A: Nanny for short.
Q: ...Why not. First question. What's it like to be the Dragonborn, savior of mankind?
CHAPTER 18: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! In which our hero gets arrested for saving the world. Previous: Chapter 17, The Daedric Princes
Unfortunately for me, there's no carriage driver here at Dawnstar, because the official Carriage Driver's Association was muscled out by the Boat Driver's Guild in a sort of surf-and-turf war sometime in the past. So, it's a quick teleport to Whiterun and a carriage from there to Falkreath, and right off the bat I'm accosted by a guard who wants me to look for a dog
CHAPTER 17: THE DAEDRIC PRINCES In which our hero is a total CHEATER! Previous: Chapter 16, Lovely Party, Pity I Wasn't Invited
So this is Dawnstar. There's not much I can say about it. Two mines, a boat, a Jarl whose time has most definitely come and gone, and a madman who wants to get his hands on an evil Daedric artifact. This dude is apparently obsessed with the Mythic Dawn cult, which, as anyone who has ever played the last ES game read any history knows, was a cult that assassinated th
CHAPTER 16: LOVELY PARTY, PITY I WASN'T INVITED In which our hero, despite promises to the contrary, gets drunk again. Previous: Chapter 15, Imperials in the Stormcloak Capitol
So. Back in Riverwood. I'm kind of getting sick of this place. It's easy on the eyes, sure, and a nice quaint little backwoods village is the perfect place to settle down and raise a litter of Death Hounds, but there's just something about this place that rubs me wrong. Some bad memories, maybe. Like, memories of livi
CHAPTER 15: IMPERIALS IN THE STORMCLOAK CAPITOL In which our hero vows to burn a stone city to the ground. Hey, if a dragon can do it, why not the Dragonborn? Previous: Chapter 14, Possibly Some Ice Hockey Reference
So, despite my misgivings, I'm headed out of town via boat rather than by foot. The docks are full of Argonians, which makes sense because Argonians love the water, and doesn't make sense at all because Argonians love warm water, and this "water" is only nonsolid because nitrogen
CHAPTER 14: POSSIBLY SOME ICE HOCKEY REFERENCE In which our hero solves a brutal murder by committing brutal murder. Previous: Chapter 13, Plot Armor
So... Windhelm. Just like I expected. Racist bastards harassing innocent Dunmer, cold and snowy, and not one but two beggars. That's a 100% increase in the number of beggars most towns have. I wander the streets for a while, and overhear a conversation about a cursed house or something. Someone's trying to summon the Dark Brotherhood, so I reso
CHAPTER 13: PLOT ARMOR In which our hero kills another dragon and tromps back and forth to Riverwood. Previous: Chapter 12, I'm Feeling Horny
On second thought, no. The last time I got drunk I woke up in an entirely different city, married to a goat, and I'm still carrying around a bottle of wine, a giant's toe, and a hagraven feather that I just cannot seem to put down. They're cursed - no matter how hard I try, they stick to me. I'm not doing that again. I don't even like mead, you know? S
CHAPTER 12: I'M FEELING HORNY In which our hero complains bitterly about ancient Nordic architects. Again. Previous: Chapter 11, Oath of Celebacy... I Mean Fealty
Looks like the closest town to that draugr ruin is Morthal, but I really don't feel like trudging through a swamp today, especially one that is inexplicably located in an area where the average temperature generally hits no higher than "HOLY FUCK I'M FROZEN" on the thermometer. I'll head to Dawnstar and walk from there; it may be a
CHAPTER 11: OATH OF CELIBACY... I MEAN, FEALTY In which our hero becomes authentically Nord by getting a horned helmet. Previous: Chapter 10, A Strange Dress Code
So I just blew up the Hidden Valley bunker for the Legion, and with Raoul in tow I've got to head back to the Fort to talk to Caesar again. I'm sure he'll have another task for me... wait, shit, no. Let's start again.
So I just conquered Fort Hraggstad for the Legion, and with Belrand in tow I've got to head back to Castle Dour
CHAPTER 10: A STRANGE DRESS CODE In which Our Hero joins the Imperial Legion and narrowly escapes flowery death. Previous: Intermission 1 Solitude. It's a big city. Huge, even. That is, compared to the size of other "major" cities here. There are cities in Cyrodiil at three times this size. I heard that the city of Mournhold (official tourism bureau motto: City of Lights, City of Magic) is at least four times this size. I once went through the city of Wayrest in the Iliac Bay that I got serious
