CHAPTER 43: Nchardak is Dwemeris for "Sneeze"
In which our hero makes lame jokes.
Previous: Chapter 42: The Fate of the Skaal

So, back at Neloth's huge towering mushroom-headed monstrosity, I enter the hole at the base and proceed to be blown right up to the top. Neloth himself is an uptight sort, with a real stick up his ass. After berating me for existing for a bit, he calms down and asks me what I'm here for. I tell him I've already had dealings with Hermaeus Mora, and he seems momentarily impressed, a state of mind I'm sure will never actually come again. He says that Hermaeus Mora is one of the more subtle of the Daedric princes, which is news to me. I mean, the... being... looks like something you'd scrape off the bottom of your shoe after a day spent hiking through a swamp. Subtle? Since Daedric princes can apparently choose their forms at will, I'm just sure he picked "writhing mass of green ooze" because he lost a bet or something, and not because he wants to be subtle. Then again, he's one of the few Daedric princes who don't have huge monuments built to themselves dotted about the landscape, so I guess there are varying degrees of subtlety. Whatever.

Neloth tells me that continued searching for the Black Books may make me end up like Miraak. I'm fine with that, to be honest. Miraak's an okay dude. But power-mad? Well, maybe. Mind control of the civilian population to make them build temples in his honor may seem a bit over the top, but as I've previously stated, aside from that he isn't one of the stereotypical Bad Guys. Power-mad would indicate that he'd stop at nothing for power, which is totally accurate - he has stopped, right at nothing. Nothing prevents him from going further, and yet he's content to sit in... uh, wherever he's currently sitting... and do nothing much but give the drab citizenry something to enliven their existences.

Anyway, enough about how Miraak is a good guy, Stenvar seems to be getting jealous over there. Neloth tells me that he has a black book, but that it has nothing to do with Miraak, which is a stretch, but who am I to argue with a guy who lives in a monumental phallic symbol? He tells me that I need to go to a Dwemer ruin and find it there. Swell, nothing I like more than dungeon delving. If you can't detect the sarcasm dripping from the text in front of you, let me spell it out - I'm getting tired of fucking fetch quests (fetching fuck quests are still okay in my book). Why can't I just skip to the end, here?

Because even though I'm a whiny, self-entitled millenial the Dragonborn, that doesn't mean I can just skip content. So, I guess it's off to a Dwemer ruin, me and Stenvar. Or rather, me and Stenvar and Neloth. He insists on coming along, to provide plot exposition at regularly scheduled intervals and open the occasional unopenable door help in my quest. He immediately proves his worth by getting stuck running face-first into a wall for no damn reason while Stenvar and I wipe the floor with the bandits, and continues to prove it by spouting idiotic lines every now and then. He then unlocks his first unopenable door, a one-trick pony that really should have been duplicated elsewhere in the game world, it's pretty nifty.

Once inside, he points to a hole in the floor containing the black book, covered in glass. He says that "no magic can penetrate it." I ask if he's tried a more prosaic method of entry, like, you know, breaking the glass with a rock or something, but he ignores me. We head down the elevator, and Neloth continues to play the part of a particularly arrogant tour guide, telling me all the details about the construction and history of the place. My favorite is that it's called the city of "One Hundred Towers" which is odd considering that the place has maybe three towers, tops. I'm sure the Dwemer weren't trying to compensate for anything. He puts his cube in the receptacle (which is not as dirty as it sounds, get that thought out of your head right now), laments that he only has one cube (see previous aside), and says that the pumps only work when the cube is in the pedestal (it's like shooting fish in a barrel, honestly). He wanders over to what looks like some child's idea of a subway map, and says that it's showing him the location of more cubes, because apparently he's an expert at reading children's subway maps.

Rather than detail our whole trip through the flooded ruin, I'll just skip to the end and say that whatever Dwemer architect designed this place had a sick sense of humor, and undoubtedly got off on the idea that future generations would have to play a demented shell game just to get access to the book. Throughout the ruin, Neloth continues to provide truly awe-inspiring insights, my favorite of which is "much of the Dwemer army at the battle of Red Mountain came from here," which in true Bethesda fashion is an unnecessary cameo from previous games fully centering all stories, everywhere, everywhen, around the current protagonist. Er, I mean, it's an interesting fact. Yeah.

Once back upstairs, this dude who is completely obsessed with obtaining new and dangerous knowledge takes a step back and offers me the first look at the book, which isn't suspicious at all, nossir. But I've come this far taking wild, unnecessary risks, so why stop now? As I open the book and get sucked in again, it occurs to me that Hermaeus Mora may have gotten some ideas from C.S. Lewis or more probably Lewis Carroll. Another jaunt through Apocrypha, killing sludge monsters and tentacle floaters and all that good stuff, and sure enough, at the end, Hermaeus Mora appears again, his inexplicably two-dimensional presence blocking access to the book I need to get the fuck out of this place. Mora then proceeds to tell me why that I'm here to learn what Miraak already knows, because apparently he thinks I'm too stupid to know my own reasons for being here. I tell him I don't need his help, and he tells me I could spend a hundred lifetimes looking for the answers myself, and I break down then and there, promising to do anything he asks so long as he gets me out of this monochromatic yellow-black hellhole. All I have to do is learn the secrets of the Skaal and then tell Hermaeus, and I'm free and clear. For a guy who likes to make people think he sees and knows all, he's not very consistent about his omniscience, I have to say.

Anyway, I read the book, gain the power, and get teleported back into the tower. Neloth seems unimpressed that Hermaeus asked for the secrets of the Skaal, an attitude with which I agree. Seriously, what kinds of secrets do the Skaal have? N words for "snow," where N is an absurdly large number? We wander outside, and get attacked by a dragon named Krosulhah, which in true Draconic form is made up of three words - Kro, Sul, Hah, which respectively mean Sounds, Like, Coughing. After killing the dragon, Miraak somehow teleports in right there. He absorbs the dragon's soul before I can get close enough, and then thanks me for my help. Uh, sure. Wow. You know, that's the most thanks I've gotten for killing a dragon for quite some time. Much better than Falkreath, anyway, the guards arrested me for that there. I'm not even upset about the loss of a dragon soul. Keep it in good health, dude.

Neloth heads back to his tower to look for more books (I guess he's forgotten that he already has one), and Stenvar and I head back to the Skaal to ask for their secrets. The old man refuses to tell me his secrets until I cleanse his stones, which I must once again point out is not as dirty as it sounds, so I guess I've got to schlep all around the island once again, shouting at rocks. My life is a never-ending tide of wonderfulness and joy.

Intermission 6, mostly just a question about Fallout 4
Next: I'm seeing little blue men WITHOUT the benefit of drugs!
Start at Chapter 1