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A vaguely humorous Skyrim playthrough

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Diary of a Dragonborn Intermission 1

DIARY OF A DRAGONBORN - INTERMISSION 1 Previous: Chapter 9, I Am Dragonborn   I guess I should stop and explain a few things about this particular Skyrim playthrough.   The reader may have noticed that I'm skipping around a bunch. I've yet to follow through on any of my "professions." This is partly because, to be honest, most "professions," such as miner, or farmer, or even dragonslayer, are part-time at best. Honestly, I'm not expecting Sims-level diversity here, but when you try to be a m
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 9: I Am A Dragonborn

CHAPTER 9: I AM A DRAGONBORN Wherein our hero dies and then is reborn! (quicksave is our friend) Previous: Chapter 8, Mace Raiden, Statue Fondler   Finally at the greybeard temple, I'm here for mental help, I need a therapist, will someone psychoanalyze me please? Magical walls and white rocks are talking to me, dragons are scaring the jeepers out of me on a fairly regular basis, it seems as though everyone in the entire world is dumber than I am, my wife is a goat, and I have come to you, san
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 8: Mace Raiden, Statue Fondler

CHAPTER 8: MACE RAIDEN, STATUE FONDLER In which our hero gets drunk. A lot drunk. Previous: Chapter 7, Yes, I am a Dragon Slayer   So... I stopped in at the tavern last night, to steady my nerves. Got to talking with this guy named Sam. He's a swell dude, you know? Very sympathetic to my plight. We got to drinking, and then drinking a little more. Then we started imbibing alcohol. We downed some brews, drank a few bottles of beer, pounded some brewskies, and then drank some more. We tried Argo
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 7: Yes, I Am A Dragonslayer

CHAPTER 7: YES, I AM A DRAGONSLAYER In which our hero is truly, truly brave. Previous: Chapter 6, Dropout   As I enter the town of Whiterun yet again, the commander of the guard tells me that he is the commander of the guard yet again, a guard tells me about his knee problems yet again, a rich bastard smarms at me yet again, a beggar asks me for money yet again... aah, nostalgia. The good things never change, do they? The only new thing that happened on my path through town was a little girl b
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 6: Dropout

CHAPTER 6: DROPOUT Wherein our hero decides that college just isn't for him. Previous: Chapter 5, Winner of the Smartest Mage in the World Contest   Okay, Ancano the Thalmor is being a generic badguy. I never would have expected a high elf to be evil. Who would have thought? Everyone else in the college is a two-dimensional caricature of a real person. You've got the "overworked administrator," the "leader with a heart of gold but a dark past," the "evil traitor who will OBVIOUSLY inevitably b
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 5: Winner Of The Smartest Mage In The World Contest

CHAPTER 5: WINNER OF THE SMARTEST MAGE IN THE WORLD CONTEST In which our hero finds a glowing orb of light truly irritating. Previous: Chapter 4, How Did They Move That Big Blue Ball?   There's a trap door in the Hall of Countenance that leads to the midden. By the name, I'm assuming it's a dumping ground for magical trash - half-finished sub-critical spells, flesh golems that didn't quite work out right, defective staves, and the like. It isn't, though. It appears to be a bunch of mage's work
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 4: How Did They Move That Big Blue Ball?

CHAPTER 4: HOW DID THEY MOVE THAT BIG BLUE BALL? In which our hero meets the one person in Skyrim he actually likes Previous: Chapter 3, College Guys Gone Wild   I get back to the college, and Arch-Mage Aren seems less than fascinated with my news. Look, dude, there's a big glowing blue ball thing, and an undead wizard dude, and magic walls tied to magic necklaces, time warp spells... and... uh... chanting walls. Really, it wasn't my imagination. The walls were chanting at me. I'm sure if you
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 3: College Guys Gone Wild

CHAPTER 3: COLLEGE GUYS GONE WILD In which our hero explores life in the dorms. Previous: Chapter 2, Of Jesters and Snow   Well, not really. It's not a sty, per se - there aren't piles of trash lying around or anything. It's just that Winterhold the town consists of a couple of intact houses, a bunch of busted houses, and that's about it. There's a tavern, a store, the Jarl's place, and some other guy's house along the main road up to what I can only assume is the college. I pretty much ignor
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 2: Of Jesters and Snow

CHAPTER 2: OF JESTERS AND SNOW Wherein our hero finds a funny man unfunny. Previous: Chapter 1, To Helgen and Beyond   Out of the city, I can see that there are basically three routes to get to Winterhold. There's the overland route, over mountains and down canyons, and probably full of monsters. And there are two roads. One passes through Windhelm, hometown of my execution-cart-buddies Ralof and Ulfric the Muffled, bastion of a bunch of racist bastards who are trying to shatter the empire, t
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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 1: To Helgen And Beyond

I've decided to post a sort of playthrough journal that I started writing a few years ago, then stopped writing due to a profound lack of interest. Hopefully someone will get a kick out of it besides me. It's divided up into "chapters," some of which are longer, some are much shorter than others. The short ones generally go for about 600 words or so, the long ones upwards of five times that many. EDIT: Nope, I cut them into bite-sized chunks. No sexlab content is included, because there are a lo
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