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A bit of advice: never go to the zoo with a toddler. On a federal holiday when everyone and their dog is also visiting. During summer. When you haven't exercised more than mowing the lawn all year. Especially when those damn zookeepers think you're part of the small mammal display. Do they not know that the zoo doesn't keep blue lemmings? Apparently not!

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Autumn Prep

 

I don't know what it's like for humans, but for lemmings the end of summer is a busy time. First there's food that needs to be stored, which I'm kind of putting off doing just yet despite a perfect chance. Despite having two eight-point stogie suckers spend a couple of days around here, I just couldn't shoot them. It's not hunter season yet.

 

Then there's getting my burrow--er, prefab concrete block buried in the ground--ready for colder weather. Which generally means making sure the areas that guests will enter are well-insulated while the rest is nice and chilly. I'm an arctic critter, okay? Plus it helps make sure that my reserved food doesn't go bad. That's assuming that long pig can get any worse on a 'Murican diet of processed foods, refined sugars, and saturated fats. At this rate the herd will thin itself out. Hopefully that won't impact my access to Hostess brand cupcakes.

 

Finally, there's entertainment. I don't know how humans can sit and watch TV for hours at a time--unless it's a really good show like Red Dwarf--but lemmings can't stay still that long without going a little stir-crazy. We need something more in our entertainment, something that engages us. So I've...::shudder:: signed back up for Evil Art's SWTOR. While I'm watching my contracted employer's systems on a dedicated system, I'll be playing a Jedi or maybe a scoundrel. It's not the most physically active thing but it keeps my little mind active. Emphasis on "little."

 

That last one is half the reason I haven't been around if my friends and followers were wondering.

 

Then there's the work I'm doing for my friends. Cecil and Dave wasted the warmer months playing Dovahkiin and attempting to figure out why they can't get dates when they wear their replica iron gear everywhere. They need their eaves troughs--that's rain gutters to my fellow 'Muricans--cleaned out. Except Cecil took an arrow to the knee--literally. He and Dave were testing their new shields by shooting at each other with bows. Dave, who can somehow manipulate a bow with wings, somehow gets completely tangled up every time he uses the hose. I swear, Mama Nature is telling me that those two need to be weeded out before they breed.

 

Moose, who has now figured out how to pull the lid off of bean dip tins with his hooves, is back in action. Although he can no longer balance ten different types of dip and a bag of Frito's without his antlers. We're making sure he gets enough of other foods to avoid his intestines having another collapse. I'm sorry to say his pro wrestling addiction is still in full force.

 

Also let it be known that arctic critters are not immune to feminine manipulation. Both Millie, my ex-squirrel friend, and Melissa, a member of the most intelligent species in the galaxy, have tricked me into helping them. I spent three days helping Millie locate nuts to take with her when she heads down to Brazil with Lipps (more on him later). And Melissa? She's happy that Millie is going away for the cold months and took me out...lingerie shopping! Yes, they make frilly things for little white mice! And she stopped at a restaurant supply store for some various fruit mixes you can't get at any local mega-mart. I think she's going to start soaking nuts again.

 

As for Lipps...he's been awfully quiet this year. Normally I'd chalk it up to that annual sense of responsibility he gets to help raise more ducklings. But he's been talking of selling his villa in Brazil and settling down in the glade permanently. I fear he's begun to mature on us. That quack of a "ducktor" needs to stop popping his own pills. He won't be any fun if he's calm, responsible, and using foresight!

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  • 2 weeks later...
10 hours ago, Psalam said:
Spoiler
10 hours ago, Ernest Lemmingway said:

For years my friends and I have wondered what Moose did for a living. I think I may have found out. And he's stealing my shtick!

 

But does any of that taste good? ?

It looks a bit over-processed...not suitable for all species. I'm not sure if we've found the root cause of stomach issues here ...? ?

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Spoiler
50 minutes ago, worik said:

It looks a bit over-processed...not suitable for all species. I'm not sure if we've found the root cause of stomach issues here ...? ?

 

Speaking only for myself, I am not sure my digestive tract is hale enough for it to even make it to my stomach. ?

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The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

 

Some people enjoy Christmas, others (American) Thanksgiving. Personally, the holidays always depress me and I'm not fond of turkey (too gamy). So I enjoy Halloween. What's not to like? The massive influx of horror movies--some of them even half-decent!--all the creepy decorations, and candy! Brown and Norwegian lemmings don't have much of a sweet tooth, but we blue lemmings more than make up for it. Look at my Canadian cousins! They can't get enough of that chocolate spread, even irritating that grizzly bear who lives in a ranger cabin to get at some. I'm not quite that desperate for sweets myself...

 

Of course, there's another reason I enjoy October. Hunting season begins and this critter likes turning the tables on those hunters who rely on high-powered laser sights, scopes that can see the surface of the moon, four-digit devices like range finders, and of course, high-powered rifles more likely to turn their prey into mist than meat. The kind of folks who think donning camouflage clothing and shooting some helpless animal once a year makes them "real men." There was that incident over a decade ago when one of them shot his companion in the face with his shotgun, though. The shooter was some high-ranking politician, I think. I don't pay much attention to politics, though. Was there ever a stink about that?

 

My tools of choice? A .30-06 older than me with an iron sight and patience. Not that my hunting requires that much of the latter, though. Them potbellied stogie-suckers appear in droves around this time, always in the same areas. They also announce their presence, which is kind of contrary to hunting. Especially since they're hunting in a national park! If the rangers knew what they were doing, they'd be spending a couple of decades in prison. At least I'm merciful when I shoot them. Not that there's much usable meat on them. As I said before, the average 'Murican diet renders them pretty carcinogenic. Some have so many preservatives in them that they don't rot--ever. Not even the bugs or the fungus will touch the carcass. Leaving them where they fall also kills all the surrounding vegetation. Thankfully the jackalopes are around; they'll eat anything and their mutant physiology isn't affected by the poisons humans pack into their bodies. And since they're half antelope, they're not quite as terrifying as full-blooded...er, you know.

 

No, the real food haul comes when I raid the food they've brought. And take whatever money and/or credit cards they have in their wallets so I can hit the warehouse stores. It goes against the legend of MEL (Man-Eating Lemming) around these parts, but legends are always exaggerated. I just hunt the hunters, steal their money and credit cards, and help my friends stock up for the winter. You didn't think Millie really stocked up a massive pile of nuts one at a time, did you? Or that I filled my pantry with just long pig? Other than Moose, the lot of us can't stand eating just one type of food all the time. Even if some of us sometimes have to.

 

So if you'll excuse me, I have to go bring home the bacon! There's a couple of big ones that just arrived. And they're obviously loaded because they're staying in a six-digit RV, eating filet mignon, and wearing the gaudiest camo outfits that don't blend in at all. That's just how I like 'em! Dumb and rich.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just Checking In

 

Well, it's been a busy two weeks. It's hard to hunt potbellied stogie-suckers if you miss the first time and they run; they're six feet (1.7 meters) and I'm six inches (15.4 centimeters). They have a bigger stride than I do, even if they're so out of shape they need oxygen after running a few feet. You try being fast when you're that small and lugging around something six times bigger. This is why I'm kind of sad that Moose's antlers finally shed, since besides being a great gun rest he can R-U-N! No hunter can withstand being run down by eight-hundred pounds of bull moose.

 

So this year's haul is fairly light just yet. I did manage to get one of those rich, dumb ones. But his credit cards were all at their limit and he had no cash on him. Plus his corpse is so full of tar, carbon monoxide, and even formaldehyde from all that smoking that he's mummified. Not even the jackalopes will eat him. So we've hung him up as an example of what happens to...what's the term of illegal hunters? Sorry, the MEL just completely forgot. A "senior moment."

 

By now Millie's hit Brazil and so has Lipps, while Ted gets ready for hibernation. Trust me, the things a bear does to get itself ready for that is best left unsaid. It's going to be hard to go without someone who is willing to discuss such fine literature as the fables of Aesop and The Far Side. The others are putting pressure on me to bag something before Halloween so we can hit the stores when all that excess candy goes on sale. Yet they aren't willing to help me haul this damned rifle or setup some snares! We've got some excellent bait for the latter; I'm not sure what it is about human males in the woods, but they seem to get...lonely. A back issue of Penthouse lures them in like flies. Sometimes we can even practice a little catch-and-release when we use one. What are they going to tell the police? That a bunch of forest critters robbed them? Even I have a hard time believing that one! And they would have to admit they were hunting illegally. Most men would rather die than admit they were wrong.

 

Oh! I better wrap this up. A couple of them just pulled into the glen, firing into the air and drinking fine imported German lager. If nothing else, I can get a beer that has some actual flavor to it. Damned American brewers use rice--rice--in the brewing process...

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Chocolate Moose

 

Another hunting season is over and I'd say we got lucky. Those rich hunters who pulled into the glen provided more than enough for the winter. The MEL didn't even do a thing; the rangers caught them. While they were being processed at the ranger station, we forest critters raided their camp and made off with everything of use. Including wallets loaded with gold and platinum cards, a few hundred dollars cash, and that fine German lager. What? The lemming likes a fine stout! Which is not easy to get in the US of A unless you brew your own or know some home brewers. I...am no longer allowed at the local brewery slash restaurant. Apparently going for a swim in the brew tank is not allowed. Even though they were calling it Strategic Atomic Lemming in a cheap attempt to copy Tactical Nuclear Penguin. I saved them from a potential lawsuit and I'm told never to come back! Ingrates...

 

During a trip to the warehouse store to buy enough food to feed an army, we saw something that scared us. It was Moose, life-sized, rendered completely in milk chocolate. I wish I could say I was making this up. A pun that stupid is something that I should have thought of! Apparently it was some sort of holiday promotion. Normally that would be the end of it. But I forgot one of the cardinal rules about hitting the warehouse store: never bring Cecil and Dave. Cecil wants the freshest of the fresh, which means he tends to go after the stuff still wrapped in cellophane on the shelves above what's being sold. Dave just goes nuts whenever we pass by the butcher department because they have roast chickens out. The guy just can't get around the fact that a lot of people--and lemmings!--find his species...well, tasty. Even though chickens are cannibalistic (seriously!).

 

While Melissa was trying to calm Dave down, Cecil tried to get a case of of soda down from a shelf ten feet up despite every sign telling us not to touch it. How a ten ounce gerbil pushed an entire pallet that weighs several hundred pounds over I still don't know. Only that it hit the flat carrying platform on wheels at the edge while I was on the handles at the opposite end, trying to tell him to stop. When that thing hit, I was launched screaming into the head of that cocoa caribou. That's when I learned two things: one, that wasn't just some hollow piece but a solid mass; two, solid chocolate can be as hard as a rock when it's kept chilled.

 

I don't remember much after that. It was only after we were all home that I learned that Cecil and Dave had been permanently banned from that store. Cecil for that bit with the pallet full of Coca-Cola, Dave for attacking people who tried to bought his roasted cousins. As for that display of our simple, lovable friend rendered in nature's most perfect treat? It's going to be raffled off. They even added a little chocolate rendition of me wearing a Santa hat riding on it at Moose's suggestion. How he came up with that is a story for another time.

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? This may sound offending, but I am far away from being a racist, looking down on forest inhabitants or your lifestyle. No. Not at all.

But your diary is more fun to read than others (humans) fantasy writings!

Yes, it is! :classic_smile:

 

PS: So I understand your nutrition situation is secure for the coming winter?

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On 10/20/2018 at 12:31 AM, worik said:

PS: So I understand your nutrition situation is secure for the coming winter?

Yeah. I've got enough frozen and non-perishable bulk foods to last until spring. We had to toss those credit cards into the pond, though. Apparently we charged so much to them they began to smolder. I understand the same thing happens to a lot of people's cards during the holidays.

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Spoiler
14 minutes ago, Ernest Lemmingway said:

Yeah. I've got enough frozen and non-perishable bulk foods to last until spring. We had to toss those credit cards into the pond, though. Apparently we charged so much to them they began to smolder. I understand the same thing happens to a lot of people's cards during the holidays.

 

I have no expertise in this area but is throwing plastic credit cards into a pond a good idea? With all the news about PCBs and plastics inducing cancer it would seem that it might be a risk to the woodland water supply.

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13 minutes ago, Psalam said:

I have no expertise in this area but is throwing plastic credit cards into a pond a good idea? With all the news about PCBs and plastics inducing cancer it would seem that it might be a risk to the woodland water supply. 

I think you are right to worry about this. Ponds are usually quite sensitive to poisons.

Wouldn't it be better to leave the cards at the entrance of some school or othr area for young people?

Smart kids could probably still make creative use of semi-smoldered cards.. ?

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Spoiler
4 minutes ago, worik said:

I think you are right to worry about this. Ponds are usually quite sensitive to poisons.

Wouldn't it be better to leave the cards at the entrance of some school or othr area for young people?

Smart kids could probably still make creative use of semi-smoldered cards.. ?

 

Additionally, if they do make use of them, perhaps it will help facilitate the cycle. Then they will become overweight credit card carrying adults just ripe for the woodland creatures to enjoy! 

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Stupid people in this country use plastic cards to clear ice from their car windscreens. The doubly stupid use them to clear a 4-inch diameter area and think this is ok - Summer: bright sunlight, dry conditions, full and unfettered use of the windscreen. Winter, dull, treacherous conditions, 4" viewable area - "that'll do nicely". ?

This is why the UK is not allowed to have winter's like Canada or Scandanavia - we'd be extinct come spring.

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I don't think we have to worry about the pond being poisoned by plastic. The credit card was so hot from all that swiping that it evaporated all the water and is still glowing cherry red. At this point we're thinking of taking it to a power plant so they can use it as fuel for the steam turbine.

 

Oh, and none of us drank from that pond. Even we know better than to drink from stagnant water. Especially after those studio types used it to dump unsold copies of the Diz-knee Star Wars movies. I'd rather drink straight PCBs than get that...uh, "stuff" on me!

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I am so relieved to hear that. I was afraid moose would shed his antlers and not just his velvet. It was cleaning up the water (and to a lesser extent food) supply that allowed the homo species to overrun the planet like lemmings on a chocolate cake. I would hate to think that their byproducts would poison the wildlife. Imagine that happening! ?

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Oh, of course not! Imagine homo sapiens shitting where they eat. It just doesn't happen!

 

We--well, I--finally got that damn red-hot credit card out of the hole that used to be the pond by donning a heat suit and using some pretty hefty tongs. It had begun to melt down those Diz-knee DVDs and the wails of the pain and agony caused by the broken souls trapped inside was getting annoying. The melted plastic has since hardened into a prison for the rest. Large enough that we were able to haul it out and ship it off to Anaheim, CA. But somebody setup a little acid trap so it will open the prison back up when it arrives, unleashing all those trapped spirits again. ::whistles innocently::

 

Testing has shown that there are no residual chemicals left. But even if the hole fills back up, none of us are going to drink from it. Other than Lipps but he liked those Diz-knee versions. Yeah, we question his sanity as well.

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Blue Lemming, Green Lemming

 

Despite being an arctic mammal, and despite having the thick(ening) coat of fur, I managed to catch a cold because I spent so much time in the cold. Yeah, I know, the cold itself isn't what does it; it's the strain on the body to keep warm that weakens the immune system. That'll teach me to go hunting without some covering when my coat is still filling back in after the summer shaving. And to make things worse, I caught the stomach flu as well!

 

This little blue lemming has been looking rather green around the gills for several days. It's hard to say what's worse. The sore throat, clogged sinuses, and cough so severe I can't sleep at all. Or having to stay on the commode with a bucket (well, thimble) because you can't control both ends at once. As if to rub salt in the wound, I ran out of hot flu drink mix as well as the alcoholic "sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, sore throat, fever" syrup. Somehow Melissa "knew" that I was in bad shape because she showed up with everything I needed. That's not a good thing when you consider that she felt it necessary to "nurse" me back to health. I'm beginning to doubt that white mice are the most intelligent species in the galaxy after experiencing her ideas of taking care of an ill person.

 

First of all, can anyone explain to me the idea behind slapping a patch of mustard plaster on someone's chest when they're sick? Especially when that person is fuzzy? I have a bald patch just above my little tummy now! And why did she feel it necessary to pump me full of Miralax when I'm already loose? And that soup! Chicken soup should not have feathers in it! Or enough cayenne pepper to have me (literally) breathing fire. Folks think that episode of my cousins' show where they belch flames after eating hot chilies was comic effect; no, that really happens when lemmings eat spicy foods. Trust me, I used to be a Chili Head and there were days when I could act as a pilot light.

 

And I know that loose bowels can dehydrate you, but there is also such a thing as water poisoning. Shoving a rubber hose in my mouth and filling me up with enough dihydrogen monoxide to turn me into a ball was crazy. Fortunately the pressure sent me flying like an untied balloon to a tree branch high enough that Melissa couldn't get to me right away. The chipmunks weren't happy to see me, though. One of them whacked me on the head, with an acorn, hard enough to knock me out. I'm actually glad that happened since that was the first time in three days I'd been able to get any sleep.

 

When I came to I was in my own bed while Melissa waited nearby with some real chicken soup. On the six-inch flat screen TV were reruns of the Loony Tunes. Were it not for the bump on my head the shape of an acorn, or spending five minutes emptying my bladder when I went to the bathroom, I'd think the whole thing was some sort of weird dream. Instead I've begun to wonder if it was really just someone's idea of a sick joke. Someone with a twisted sense of humor who isn't afraid to twist the knife, so to speak.

 

I think I'm in love! ❤️

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Spoiler
8 minutes ago, Ernest Lemmingway said:

Blue Lemming, Green Lemming

 

Despite being an arctic mammal, and despite having the thick(ening) coat of fur, I managed to catch a cold because I spent so much time in the cold. Yeah, I know, the cold itself isn't what does it; it's the strain on the body to keep warm that weakens the immune system. That'll teach me to go hunting without some covering when my coat is still filling back in after the summer shaving. And to make things worse, I caught the stomach flu as well!

 

This little blue lemming has been looking rather green around the gills for several days. It's hard to say what's worse. The sore throat, clogged sinuses, and cough so severe I can't sleep at all. Or having to stay on the commode with a bucket (well, thimble) because you can't control both ends at once. As if to rub salt in the wound, I ran out of hot flu drink mix as well as the alcoholic "sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, sore throat, fever" syrup. Somehow Melissa "knew" that I was in bad shape because she showed up with everything I needed. That's not a good thing when you consider that she felt it necessary to "nurse" me back to health. I'm beginning to doubt that white mice are the most intelligent species in the galaxy after experiencing her ideas of taking care of an ill person.

 

First of all, can anyone explain to me the idea behind slapping a patch of mustard plaster on someone's chest when they're sick? Especially when that person is fuzzy? I have a bald patch just above my little tummy now! And why did she feel it necessary to pump me full of Miralax when I'm already loose? And that soup! Chicken soup should not have feathers in it! Or enough cayenne pepper to have me (literally) breathing fire. Folks think that episode of my cousins' show where they belch flames after eating hot chilies was comic effect; no, that really happens when lemmings eat spicy foods. Trust me, I used to be a Chili Head and there were days when I could act as a pilot light.

 

And I know that loose bowels can dehydrate you, but there is also such a thing as water poisoning. Shoving a rubber hose in my mouth and filling me up with enough dihydrogen monoxide to turn me into a ball was crazy. Fortunately the pressure sent me flying like an untied balloon to a tree branch high enough that Melissa couldn't get to me right away. The chipmunks weren't happy to see me, though. One of them whacked me on the head, with an acorn, hard enough to knock me out. I'm actually glad that happened since that was the first time in three days I'd been able to get any sleep.

 

When I came to I was in my own bed while Melissa waited nearby with some real chicken soup. On the six-inch flat screen TV were reruns of the Loony Tunes. Were it not for the bump on my head the shape of an acorn, or spending five minutes emptying my bladder when I went to the bathroom, I'd think the whole thing was some sort of weird dream. Instead I've begun to wonder if it was really just someone's idea of a sick joke. Someone with a twisted sense of humor who isn't afraid to twist the knife, so to speak.

 

I think I'm in love! ❤️

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong oh blue one but didn't Douglas Adams definitively state that dolphins were the most intelligent species in the universe. Followed, of course, by mice.

 

Congratulations, then! Being in love is a rare and lovely thing.

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22 minutes ago, Ernest Lemmingway said:

I think I'm in love! ❤️

? and good to know you among the appearantly living again. Which is in most cases a mandatory prerequisite for being in love.

 

Mice .... weren't that these species who run cruel behaviour experiments with dumb humanoid scientists ?

 

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18 hours ago, Psalam said:
  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong oh blue one but didn't Douglas Adams definitively state that dolphins were the most intelligent species in the universe. Followed, of course, by mice.

Dolphins are the second most intelligent species. Lemmings rank about third while humans...er, I'm pretty sure they're in the top five-hundred. I think.

 

17 hours ago, worik said:

Mice .... weren't that these species who run cruel behaviour experiments with dumb humanoid scientists ?

Yeah. The humans think they're the ones running the experiments. They still think Pinky and the Brain was just a cartoon instead of a warning.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm alive...I think. Still dealing with a massive chocolate hangover from Halloween ten days later. The worst part is that chocolate is a diuretic; I may have a bladder the size of a soy nut but my septic tank is full and needs an emergency pump-out. And I've nearly killed that old oak tree by over-watering it.

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10 hours ago, Psalam said:

The real question that all enquiring minds want to know is, "are there any ribbons round the Old Oak Tree?" *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*

Finally! Now I know what was meant by that. I never got the meaning before. :classic_blush:

 

Now, just say welcome in some other ones words

Spoiler

 

Strike boy, sing Lemming

 

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