Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 23: No Shit!
CHAPTER 23: NO SHIT!
In which our hero spends a lot of time thinking about excrement.
Previous: Chapter 22, The Non-Thieves Guild
Back in Riften (home of the Thieves Guild, as a guard helpfully reminds me, in case I've forgotten), Mercer admires the work of the mysterious person who has been working against the guild. Apparently selling mead halfway across the country is somehow a brilliant move in an intricate chess game or something.
Mercer says that the unknown person is trying to get Maven, the guild boss, mad at the guild. I guess. Really, I'm starting to wonder about the mechanics of this whole operation. Who is the guild leader here? Mercer acts like its him, but everyone, and I mean everyone, not just thieves, but citizens on the street know that Maven runs the guild. The only two people in Riften who don't know it are the Jarl and her bodyguard, and I'm not totally sure about her bodyguard. Anyway, I'm still not sure how starting a competing mead business in an entirely different city is supposed to bring about this division, but I'm just rolling with it, remember?
Mercer sends me to Solitude. I've been here before. This is where they behead people for opening gates at the wrong time. Along with Whiteun's attitude towards bad-tasting ale and Falkreath's "War on Yelling," Skyrim is looking more interesting all the time with regard to crime. Murder is frowned upon, but if you really want to get in trouble, open a door and then serve someone bad tea. Maybe that's why the guild has fallen on such hard times - they've been doing business in Skyrim, where the laws are arbitrary and based on the whims of local guards. It's hard to go through life when you don't know whether "looking at me in a funny way" is illegal today or not. I wouldn't be surprised if Morthal has a zero-tolerance policy on people who deliberately and maliciously fail to put the toilet seat down. Not that there are toilet seats, or toilets, in Skyrim. Not in the houses, anyway. Or palaces. Just in bandit camps and underground vampire lairs. Welcome to Skyrim, where the Bandits have grade-A plumbing and the Jarls don't even have chamberpots. Maybe that's why Mercer Frey is so sour - he lives in a sewer, so he has absolutely no idea where to unload. Maybe that's why...
All RIGHT. Shut UP. We're here in Solitude to talk to a lizard. His name is, depending on who you ask, either Galum-Jei or Gajul-Lei or Gulum-Ei. No wonder the Thieves guild has fallen on such hard times - their fences keep changing their names. I'm thinking he did it to hide his identity. Green and scaly people with big tails can blend right in to typical Nord society if they change their names every now and then. He's streetsmart.
Gulum-Ei, with a little persuasion, a dollop of sympathy, and a case of wine, hands me a bunch of Soul Gems and tells me that it was a strange woman who, out of the blue, handed him a sack of gold in exchange for Goldenglow Estate. So apparently Maven, the elf, this mysterious woman, and Gulum-Ei himself have all been at one point (possibly the SAME point) co-owners of the honeybee island. No wonder the Thieves guild has fallen on hard times - none of them know who they're stealing from at any given time, and occasionally they must wind up stealing from themselves, fencing it off to themselves, and selling it back to themselves for a hefty profit and simultaneous loss, whereupon they clap themselves on the back with the right hand while stabbing themselves in the back with the left hand, leading to increased medical bills, which is where all the money's going. I've got it all figured out. And probably better than the members of the guild themselves. I've revised my earlier opinion about Brynjolf - he's a master of the mind, a genius intellect who should be teaching classes at the College of Winterhold, compared to the idiots who actually run the place. But I'm sticking with it, because I wanna find out what happens next in the comedic soap opera that is Skyrim's Thieves Guild. Every day is a new crazy story, and I sit riveted to the edge of my seat, in the vague hope that someday I'll finish this damn monologue and get back to the story, such as it is.
So Gulum-Ei bought Goldenglow Estate from the elf, who stole it from Maven Black-Briar, and then sold it to a mysterious woman who dropped a bag of gold at his feet. Happens to me all the time, people dropping bags of gold at my feet. I'm still waiting to hear back from my friend in Nigeria who needs to send me many hundreds of thousands of dollars. I've already sent him his advance fee of ten thousand, and my money will be arriving any day now.
On the off chance that it might be proximity to the sewers in Riften that damages people's brains, and not that membership in the guild requires one to be pre-damaged, I figure that Gulum-Ei is hiding something, so I decide to shadow him. Stealthily, I sneakily snoop around, my silent footsteps dogging the tracks of the lizard at a fair distance, so as not to spook him. I stand above his path on the rocks, silently watching with hooded eyes as he makes his way down to the docks of Solitude. I am a master of sneak, a guru of stealth, and he'll never see me, even when I accidentally fall off the rocks and land on top of his head. He doesn't even remark on it, and continues on his way. He must think I'm some OTHER big guy in ebony armor holding a double-handed axe. It's an understandable mistake. There are a lot of us around. Last week there was a convention.
Gulum-Ei doesn't seem displeased at my presence, so I shadow him more closely. Say, six inches behind him, occasionally bumping into him. For a bit of fun, I decide to push him off the pier into the water, which he takes with good grace, still making no remark about how I was the guy who just found out he sold out the Thieves guild. He enters the East Empire Company Warehouse. They don't let anyone in who isn't a member, and apparently my sneak skill isn't up to the challenge of the guard at the front door, so I rush back up the hill as fast as I can, into the alchemists shop, and then right back out again because the alchemist told me I shouldn't be there and it was past closing time. I wait impatiently for twelve hours, knowing that the crafty Gulum-Ei was slipping further and further from my grasp. I eventually rush in, grab a bottle or two of invisibility, throw some money at the shopkeeper, and rush out again, down to the docks, chug the potion, and slip in the door. Gulum-Ei must be long gone, I thought; I'll never find out where the sneaky lizard went.
Just in the door, I narrowly miss stepping on Gulum-Ei's tail.
I follow Mr. Green-and-scaly as he S.L.O.W.L.Y. makes his way around the boxes and crates in the warehouse, apparently forgets where he was going, and backtracks to a super-secret door near the back of the cavern that is cunningly hidden by absolutely nothing at all. I slip in behind him, knowing that he would be right in front of me again when I went through the door and... he's gone. Like, here I am SPRINTING through the cavern, slaughtering every guard in sight (who apparently went to the Commander Caius school of policing, where trespass is punishable by death), and rush up, out of breath, to Gulum-Ei, who had teleported to the back of the super-secret cavern but then decided to wait for me to catch up again. I wait a full hour, catching my breath and glaring balefully at him, counting to ten, and then several hundred, deciding whether or not to have lizard stew for dinner.
Finally I calm down enough to talk to him in a civilized fashion. After threatening to jam his leg down his throat, he tells me that he had neglected to tell me the one piece of evidence in the case that would make everything clear, and justify the DAYS I had spent tracking him down and the expenses I had incurred in the form of invisibility potions.
This piece of evidence is...
The name...
Of the woman...
Who bought/sold/stole/borrowed Goldenglow Estate, is...
(cue dramatic music)
Karliah.
...
...
...
(stop dramatic music, imprison the orchestra, and shoot the conductor)
Who is Karliah, you ask? I laugh with scorn. Karliah is... well, she's... like, famous! Everybody knows her! She did that thing that one time! And... hates the guild? I guess? Or maybe just hates mead? I can understand that. It's a goal I can get behind - removing all mead from Skyrim. I'm sure this is a quest hook. I can just see it now - Mace Raiden, the man who singlehandedly won the rebellion, who rose to the top of the College of Winterhold, who slaughtered the last, deadly remnants of the ancient and nefarious Dragon Cult, killed Alduin the world-eater, defender of the realm and protector of the innocent, the man who drove the last of the mead-makers from Skyrim. They'll sing songs about me in the taverns all night long, toasting my memory with tankards of water.
But sadly no, it is not to be. Karliah is simply a thief who murdered the last guildmaster, a guy named Gallus. Apparently she's an evil woman who will stop at nothing to destroy the guild. Apparently, she'll also start at nothing too, as her master plan so far has included buying a handful of apiaries on an island and building a meadery halfway across the country.
Armed with this new information, I decide to head back to Riften to report my success.
FRAMING: 1
MURDER: 5
EXTORTION: 5
ARSON: 3
POISONING: 1
THIEVERY: 0 (pretty sure the case of wine doesn't count, because Falk gave it to me free of charge. I believe it was the same case that I delivered to him previously.)
Mercer Frey seems shaken by the name Karliah. Or, at least, it would be reasonable to assume that someone would be shaken by the mention of the name of the person who murdered his predecessor. In actuality, Mercer seems to be treating the whole thing like a joke. He takes the cryptic clue ("where the ending began" is one of the stupidest contradictio in terminis that has ever existed. Noam Chomsky would be proud) and interprets it to mean that we (yes, the two of us) should head to an ancient Nord ruin way up north. The way he describes it, suddenly everything makes sense - Karliah isn't trying to destroy the guild, or drive a wedge between the guild and its boss or anything like that - she's just kind of a dick.
Once at the ruin, Mercer seems confused as to what to do next. He unlocks the unlockable door, fine, but then... I ask him if he wants me to lead, and he snarks at me, saying that HE is the one in charge, and HE gets to call the shots... and then proceeds to tell ME to lead. I blame it on the stress of the situation; confronting the killer of your old boss has got to be hard. I'm sure he doesn't want me in front of him so he can, I dunno, maybe push me into a trap somewhere or off a cliff or something. He's not that kind of guy.
He's also not your typical thief. He's more my style of thief - stealthy until something interesting happens, when all pretense at sneaking about is abandoned in favor of launching head-first into combat. This gives me hope - if an obvious melee warrior like HIM can become boss of the Thieves Guild, then maybe, someday, I can do it to. Of course, I'll have to grow a moustache and start making plans to kill my underlings, but if that's what the job calls for, I'm up for it.
The pair of us rampage through the ruin, slaughtering draugr left and right. He finds another unlockable door and proceeds to unlock it, because he's just SO COOL. He's beginning to be my hero. My idol. I'm really starting to like this guy. I turn toward him to tell him that I'd even take an arrow for him, and...
Okay, great. So this mysterious Karliah shot me with an arrow. I've been shot by PLENTY of arrows in my time, but nothing has ever hit me like this. She must have poisoned the head with some kind of strange paralysis poison. Or something... paralysis has never done this to me before. Hey, Mercer, I can't move... help a guy out? No? You'd like to just continue your dialog with Karliah? Swell. I guess I'll just... sit here and listen to your scintillating repartee.
So it turns out that Mercer killed Gallus and framed it on Karliah. He then took over the guild and forced Karliah into hiding. She spent her time plotting elaborate revenge that involved buying an island and starting up a mead business. As a plan of vengeance, it was, as Mercer said, inspired. Obviously, inspired by Homer Simpson. As far as I'm concerned, BOTH Mercer and Karliah are villains. Incompetent ones, at that. After a little more chitchat, she turns invisible and walks off. Mercer comes over to me and stabs me. Gee, I never saw that coming.
Instead of dying, though, I wake up outside. Mercer didn't kill me, he just... caressed me with his sword. Maybe he couldn't bring himself to kill is favorite underling after all. Really, my emotional state has been going up and down like a yo-yo about this guy. He's a good guy who's secretly a bad guy who's secretly a good guy who's really a bad guy. His allegiances perfectly reflect how the Thieves guild operates. No wonder the guild has fallen on hard times.
Karliah wakes me up, and apologizes for shooting me. She tells me that she did it to save my life. Wow, really? That's what you're going with? Look, lady, I get it. You just shot the first guy through the door, thinking it was going to be Mercer. It was an accident, a mistake. Mistakes happen! Once I was put in prison just because I Shouted at a guard. I didn't mean to, he was just behind a dragon that had landed and... look, the point is, when you make a mistake, apologize. Don't fabricate some wild story about how you were trying to save my life. Just cop to it so we can get on with our day.
She shot me with a poisoned arrow that puts people to sleep. Why did she even have that? Why not a poison that kills instantly? That would make more sense if she really wanted revenge on Mercer. It took her a year to make the poison, when she could have just gone and found some Jarrin root somewhere. Twenty-five years of plotting and preparing and all she came up with was fermenting honey and making a single paralysis arrow. Good job. Have a cookie.
She says that she has the diary of the old guild master that exonerates her and pins the blame squarely on Mercer. But she couldn't take it to the guild as proof because it's written in some obscure language. I'm strongly tempted to ask her if it contains a list of names of known communists in office, but I resist the urge. I'm more concerned with how she knows it contains the proof of her innocence if she's never read it, nor has anyone else.
Since Mercer stabbed me, I decide that it would be better to side with the dark elf here for a bit, at least until I can stab him back. So rather than head back to the guild and slaughter everyone there for gross stupidity, I'm heading to Winterhold, to be part of a different sort of stupidity.
FRAMING: 1
MURDER: 5
ATTEMPTED MURDER: 1
EXTORTION: 5
ARSON: 3
POISONING: 1
THIEVERY: 1 (tomb robbing counts, right?)
CURSING/BLASPHEMY: 2,147,483,648
So here I am, back in Winterhold. Home of the Mage's guild, or so they'd have you believe. It's all lies. They're just ineffectual, self-absorbed ponces, creeping around their magic castle.
I have to go talk to (shudder) Enthir again. Which means I've got to traipse around the damn college yet again, looking in various buildings, or maybe even the town, for the bloody elf. I wonder what he'll want me to do this time. Maybe go kill a dragon for him. Or become high king of Skyrim. The guy just takes a positive delight in making me jump through hoops.
After a surprisingly pleasant visit with Enthir, wherein he did NOT make me jump through hoops (he likes renegade Thieves Guild people more than the Archmage, apparently), I head toward Markarth again. See, Gallus wrote the journal in the Falmer language. Of which there is only one translation in the entire world, owned by Calcelmo. But Gallus wrote his journal in it, so he knew it, so there must be more than one. Maybe Enthir is making me jump through hoops after all.
Calcelmo is not forthcoming. I fixed his spider infestation problem and solved the case of the missing research team, but he refuses to give me the translation of the journal. I'm going to have to... STEAL it! Yes! Finally, real theft in the Thieves Guild! But first, I have to open this door... and I suck at lockpicking. So I've got to wander back to my house in Whiterun to find the key that I left there that opens the door to the museum wherein is found the Falmer language translation book that I have to steal to bring to Enthir so he can translate Gallus's journal so Karliah can get acquitted of all treason charges and rejoin the guild so we can get revenge on Mercer for killing Gallus and stabbing me, which is why Karliah bought or stole a honey-making operation from up to three owners and opened up a meadery and lured Mercer to an ancient Nord ruin and then shot me with a paralysis arrow. Got all that? There will be an exam later.
So back in Markarth, I open the museum, only to find a museum within the museum. The guards on the inner museum aren't friendly like the guards on the outer museum. I'm really getting quite good at sneaking about, but even my 'leet stealth skills don't help me in here. Not so much the guards that are the problem, as the booby traps. Choking and gagging on noxious fumes, patting out clothing fires, and generally wandering blindly around this funhouse, I manage to make my way back outside, on a ledge high up above the city. Nice view.
In the INNER-inner-museum, there are no more traps. And there it is - the Falmer language translation. A big stone block. Not a book. Hmm, might be a little heavy to carry around. Somebody might comment on the size of my backpack. I know! I'll grab a piece of charcoal and a roll of paper and make a rubbing. There are several left conveniently right here! I'm sure that this stone block contains every word of the Falmer language. And Dwemer language for the translation part. Funny, it doesn't look like they're using 1-point font. Maybe the Falmer language has only one word that is used for any noun or concept. I'm going to call this magic word Marklar. Just because I like to pretend that I'm clever.
So I make a rubbing of the stone, and Calcelmo's nephew comes in, flanked by guards. I dispatch them easily, knowing that Calcelmo probably won't even notice his nephew missing, much less miss the dunce. Calcelmo's not that bright, anyway - he wants to publish a book on Falmer/Dwemer language, but won't let anybody have the translation. His entire book will consist of a single sentence: "I know something you don't know!"
Back in Winterhold, Enthir translates Gallus's journal, thereby proving that Enthir is more intelligent than Calcelmo, because he is able to translate instantly where Calcelmo took years. Maybe Calcelmo's just lazy. I find out that Karliah must have a beautiful singing voice. You wouldn't think it from the way her speaking voice is, but she's a Nightingale, after all, so it must be true. I don't know what else Nightingale might refer to. Maybe some idiot creator-of-the-world thought that it meant something like "the strong wind that passes in the darkness" and nobody bothered to correct him. That'd be my guess. Whatever.
Anyway, Mercer apparently violated something called the Twilight Sepulcher, which is a shrine to Nocturnal, so get those dirty thoughts out of your head. So THAT'S where the missing Daedric Prince is! Karliah gives me a special sword of the beautiful singers, and tells me to head back to Riften again.
FRAMING: 1
MURDER: 6 (+however many guards there were in the museums, I lost count)
ATTEMPTED MURDER: 1
EXTORTION: 5
ARSON: 3
POISONING: 1
THIEVERY: 3*
*It should be noted that Enthir is NOT a guild member, so technically the charcoal and roll of paper should not count because it wasn't the guild that sent me to steal them. But I'd really like to get the Thievery stat above the Murder stat, so I'm bending the rules here.
Next: Chapter 24, The Case of the Empty Vault
Start at Chapter 1
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