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Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 18: It Was An Accident!


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CHAPTER 18: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!
In which our hero gets arrested for saving the world.
Previous: Chapter 17, The Daedric Princes

 

Unfortunately for me, there's no carriage driver here at Dawnstar, because the official Carriage Driver's Association was muscled out by the Boat Driver's Guild in a sort of surf-and-turf war sometime in the past. So, it's a quick teleport to Whiterun and a carriage from there to Falkreath, and right off the bat I'm accosted by a guard who wants me to look for a dog. No way, buddy, I know where you're going with this. That dog is an evil demon intent on... well, doing something I'm not really sure about, but it's undoubtedly a bad idea to get involved. Go look for the dog yourself.

 

So I go to the Jarl's longhouse, and here's an indolent bastard. He wants me to go assassinate a group of bandits, fine, but his reason for my doing so is because they were paying him part of their take and they stopped. Now I'm no fan of the Stormcloaks, but it's guaranteed that his uncle would be a better choice for the hold if he were in charge, so I head to the inn and talk to him, and the first thing he wants me to do is go break in to someone else's house and steal a letter. Great. Both of these assholes need to die, maybe I'll go see about that dog and see if the mutt would like to become Jarl. It couldn't be worse, right?

 

The instant I exit the inn, I notice that something may be wrong. Call it what you will; a hunch, the tingling of my spider-sense, but something about this situation doesn't seem quite right. Maybe it has to do with the fact that it's raining, making everything look depressing. Maybe it's something to do with the apparent presence of daedra around here. Maybe it's the guards running through the street, bows out, shooting at the air, while a big lizard-thing flies overhead, breathing ice on the innocent townsfolk. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I vow to get to the bottom of whatever is bothering me.

 

This dragon is a tough fight. Partly because my mid-level ass is no match for a dragon without some serious backup, but mostly because the fucker refuses to land, presenting himself to my great axe for a shave and haircut. He spends all his time flying around, breathing ice, and the few times he does land he lands on the roofs of houses, which mysteriously don't break or even look damaged. Sixteen hours into the battle, I've trained my Destruction skill considerably using firebolts and my archery using bows, most of the townsfolk and half of the guards are dead, I've ransacked everyone's bodies for more arrows, and the beast finally crashes down outside of town and converts himself into bite-sized, easily consumed pieces of dragon soul, with some bone and scale for dessert.

 

Exhausted, stumbling with fatigue and weaving dangerously, I attempt to seek out lodging for the night, when a single guard runs up to me and tries to arrest me. For what, I don't know... this guard, Sheriff John Brown, he always hated me. After arguing with the bastard for a while, and finally taking a look at my log, it turns out that at one point, I must have assaulted someone. They're arresting me for the killing of a deputy. I believe it was when I used my Unrelenting Force shout on the dragon, and it hit a guard too. Instead of taking it with grace and an understanding nature, the guard put a bounty on my head, which makes perfect sense. All I was doing was saving the town, it obviously makes sense for a guard to get pissy about it. After all, I did what they could not. Asshole. I may have shot a guard, but I didn't kill a deputy, and I promise that's the last mangled song lyric I try to wrangle in here. You know, when I took a misaimed arrow in the fight, did I put a bounty on your head? No, but you shitheels feel perfectly justified in arresting me for the terrible crime of what essentially amounts to HARSH LANGUAGE. I'm going to add this town to my list of places to burn to the ground. Old Urag's going to be working overtime. In fact, I think I'll go hire him for the job now.

 

Uh, that is, after my night in jail. Then I'm off, back to Winterhold.

Next: Intermission 2
Start at Chapter 1

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Every time that I'd plant a seed, he'd say "kill it before it grows."

 

 

 

A while back, Jordisslave introduced me to "An Illusionist In Skyrim," which is another good playthrough, even if it ended in the death of the protagonist. I'll miss you, Sarah the Implausible. Anyway, there's a part in there where the main character casts a Frenzy spell in Solitude, leading to multiple deaths, and she's charged for committing a minor crime akin to assault.

 

The broken nature of Skyrim's crime and punishment system is the subject for a rant at some point, but here and now I'll simply reiterate... it's broken.

 

p.s.

Speaking of Jordisslave, if anyone wants to see nude, bare, undressed, naked pictures of her in her birthday suit, I suggest you check out The Devious Manual.

It's some great ogling material.

 

 

Seriously. I've got 270 source images she sent me...

it was really hard on difficult for me trying to cut it down to just a few of the breast best images the books, but I think I handled myself conducted myself well and managed to fit it in... do it...  I mean I think I got the measurements right used the right images and really hit the spot... worked it well... did a good hand job of putting just the right thing in the right place pic to the right page, though some of them had to be stretched to fit... were too small or too large... just didn't feel right... modified. I still enjoy taking a long, hard look at them every now and then; they make me feel more up.

So cum come on over and take a look!

 

 

Sorry about the puns.

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It feels a little late to be blushing now but there you go, it's not just the booze making my cheeks warm...

 

I have a carriage just outside Dawnstar but I thought that had always been there, completely lost track of my mods.

 

C&P problems are the reason I can't conjure the things I'd choose (and never use Unrelenting Force or Cyclone unless there's no one friendly within five minutes' walk);

the Flame Bitches are a great shot firing at dragons in the sky but routinely hit friendlies whenever a clusterfuck starts.   the Frost Fuckers' slam move seems to have an area-of-effect that causes the same trouble. 

At least the Dremora/Klingon Lord only uses his sword, I just wish he'd shut up. 

"I smell WEAKNESS!"..."It couldn't have ended any other way" - Congratulations.  That Skeever really deserved such drama, he was so threatening we should conduct a funeral for our worthy adversary. 

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It feels a little late to be blushing now but there you go, it's not just the booze making my cheeks warm...

 

I have a carriage just outside Dawnstar but I thought that had always been there, completely lost track of my mods.

 

C&P problems are the reason I can't conjure the things I'd choose (and never use Unrelenting Force or Cyclone unless there's no one friendly within five minutes' walk);

the Flame Bitches are a great shot firing at dragons in the sky but routinely hit friendlies whenever a clusterfuck starts.   the Frost Fuckers' slam move seems to have an area-of-effect that causes the same trouble. 

At least the Dremora/Klingon Lord only uses his sword, I just wish he'd shut up. 

"I smell WEAKNESS!"..."It couldn't have ended any other way" - Congratulations.  That Skeever really deserved such drama, he was so threatening we should conduct a funeral for our worthy adversary. 

You made me laugh while drinking, and now my shirt and keyboard are wet! :) :) :)

 

I know what you mean... I don't like Familiars because A they're weak and B their AI acts like wolves, so they do a lot of running around and "circling" that eats up half of the summoning time. I like Flame Atronachs, partly because they look hot (see what I did there?) and partly because of the ranged attack, but they do tend to fuck things up in melee... and I once lost a companion when my summon exploded on death while he was down on one knee. I would use Frost Atronachs more, but they're just too damn big and they tend to get stuck in doorways and stuff... I downloaded a mod once that made them smaller, but I can't seem to find it anymore. Storm Atronachs have ranged attacks, but they suffer the same problem as Frost... too big.

And yeah, the Dremora are too damn chatty.

If you have the Dawnguard expansion, the Conjure Wrathman spell is almost as powerful as a Dremora, plus he gets the bonus from the Conjuration perk that boosts undead health, and most importantly he's quiet.

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"I smell WEAKNESS!"..."It couldn't have ended any other way" - Congratulations.  That Skeever really deserved such drama, he was so threatening we should conduct a funeral for our worthy adversary. 

I think he has the same voice as Fawkes from Fallout 3, too. Every time I hear him speak, I giggle, picturing a big green mutant in place of a dremora spouting these lines.
 
There you are, weakling!
- Congratulations, you found a goat.
Are you prepared for your death?
- Dude, it's a goat. You should save your lines for something more… um… threatening.
I honor my lord by destroying you!
- You're attacking a goat, dumbass. There's no honor in that.
I will feast on your heart!
- Whatever floats your boat.
You are weak, mortal!
- Yes, it's weak, it's a goddamn goat.
No match at all.
- Of course not, like I said, it's a fucking GOAT.
There could be no other end.
- Yes, there could. He could push you off a bridge and then go trotting off to find his two smaller brothers.
A challenger is near!
- The goat is not challenging you, moron!
Another seeks death.
- The goat is RUNNING AWAY for god's sake!
I smell weakness!
- You smell GOATSHIT asshole!
No one escapes!
- Fine, go running after the goddamn goat if you want, I've got better things to do, like killing a dragon over there.
Hiding will not save you now!
- He's not hiding, he just ran around the corner!
Nothing after all.
- Yes, it was something, did you not just see the goat run around the fucking corner? How stupid are you!?!?
You cannot escape me.
- HE JUST FUCKING DID ESCAPE YOU YOU FUCKER YOU CAN'T FIND HIM CAN YOU OH MY GOD I'M GONNA FUS-RO-DA YOU OFF A GODDAMN CLIFF!!!!!!!!!!
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I hope it wasn't a sugary drink; sticky-keyboard is a nightmare.

 

I think the immortal goal from Goat Simulator would be a good addon, no Dremora or Legendary Dragon could match that flappy-tongued sandbox muppet.

 

Just thinking back to Fawkes keeps making me laugh now, all of the Super Mutant voices in FO3/NV sounded like they were recorded by people straining to lift a sofa, or go to the loo.

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Might open the CK tonight and make goats essential, have already made slaughterfish non-aggressive so I can do safe skinny-dipping.

 

Won't be writing it up but started another playthrough (with a reasonably lore-friendly name this time) and with DG and DB installed there's a load of historical revisionism going on: conversations, people and islands that weren't there before go unremarked upon except by me.  To the screen.  I suppose it might have been too immersion-breaking or meta to include conversation options for people who owned vanilla and then legendary editions.

 

PC: "I'd like to hire your boat"

Dawnstar Boat Guy: "Where would you like to go?  Solitude, Windhelm or an island to the north of..."

PC: "Island?  What island?  That wasn't there before, a...erm...race sent me up there, that's an epic conjuration spell or something."

DBG: "I see, a cheapskate.  You waited for the Steam Sale then?  DLC not worth your gold?"

PC: "Fuck you, I paid full PC price for this on 11/11/11, I'm not paying that much for more BITS of game."

DBG: "Don't want to support struggling digital artists..."

PC: "Drop dead, I'll walk, you cunt.  You're lucky there are so many guards around."

 

PC: (much later to self) "Wait, what?  Boat Guy?  Where did he come from?"

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Might open the CK tonight and make goats essential, have already made slaughterfish non-aggressive so I can do safe skinny-dipping.

 

Won't be writing it up but started another playthrough (with a reasonably lore-friendly name this time) and with DG and DB installed there's a load of historical revisionism going on: conversations, people and islands that weren't there before go unremarked upon except by me.  To the screen.  I suppose it might have been too immersion-breaking or meta to include conversation options for people who owned vanilla and then legendary editions.

 

PC: "I'd like to hire your boat"

Dawnstar Boat Guy: "Where would you like to go?  Solitude, Windhelm or an island to the north of..."

PC: "Island?  What island?  That wasn't there before, a...erm...race sent me up there, that's an epic conjuration spell or something."

DBG: "I see, a cheapskate.  You waited for the Steam Sale then?  DLC not worth your gold?"

PC: "Fuck you, I paid full PC price for this on 11/11/11, I'm not paying that much for more BITS of game."

DBG: "Don't want to support struggling digital artists..."

PC: "Drop dead, I'll walk, you cunt.  You're lucky there are so many guards around."

 

PC: (much later to self) "Wait, what?  Boat Guy?  Where did he come from?"

It was a terrible time. I was but a young lad, but I remember it well... east fought west. Neighbors warred, brother fought against brother, sometimes sister, and occasionally cousin as well. The time of troubles, of trials, of tribulations, and of something else beginning with the letter 't' to continue the alliteration trend. Trend, that's it. Good word there.

Listen well, younglings, as I, an old man now, relate to you the story of what these modern historians are calling the "DLC Addon Period," and how it reshaped the very land itself.

 

 

Excerpt from Chapter 19:

Standing outside, breathing the fresh Skyrim air, I debate once again whether to just leave it all behind and open up a shop somewhere back in Wayrest, but no, I've made a commitment here to the tune of 59.99 USD for this damn game, I'm going to finish it if it kills me, which it probably will.

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