Jump to content
  • entries
    60
  • comments
    302
  • views
    25,767

Diary of a Dragonborn Chapter 15: Imperials In The Stormcloak Capitol


Content Consumer

537 views

CHAPTER 15: IMPERIALS IN THE STORMCLOAK CAPITOL
In which our hero vows to burn a stone city to the ground. Hey, if a dragon can do it, why not the Dragonborn?
Previous: Chapter 14, Possibly Some Ice Hockey Reference

 

So, despite my misgivings, I'm headed out of town via boat rather than by foot. The docks are full of Argonians, which makes sense because Argonians love the water, and doesn't make sense at all because Argonians love warm water, and this "water" is only nonsolid because nitrogen remains liquid at these temperatures.

 

Here's how I picture the first Nord settlers arriving from Atmora:

 

"Well, we just spent several weeks braving terrible winter storms escaping from a land progressively covered in more and more ice, and we've finally arrived at the southern continent, free at last from the frozen hell that our previous home has become. I think we'll settle here, and build a great city where we can continue to weather the icy storms of a terrible, permanent winter, embracing the subzero temperatures that we fought so hard to escape."

 

It seems entirely in tune with standard Nord intelligence. To anyone interested in continuing reading these diary entries, yes I do intend to continue belittling the Nords and their lack of intellect, at least until they stop being morons. I can't believe I'm related to these people. To be fair, none of the other nine races are any better... except the Khajiit, I guess. They're pretty cool.

 

Anyway, my journal does say that I should look up the East Empire company here. Why here and not Solitude makes absolutely no sense. After all, these asshole Stormcloaks are so anti-empire they get almost sexually aroused by the mere thought of killing someone from Cyrodiil, so why is Windhelm one of the headquarters of a company that is entirely Imperial in nature, that even uses the empire's military dress code as its own? Again, I reflect upon the intelligence of the average Nord. Someone once heard the phrase "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" and took it quite literally. I'd make some comment about building your house on a nest of snakes, but the Imperials themselves aren't quite as smart as a nest of snakes, so I'd better just forget the whole thing. Take a few deep breaths, remember my oath to just take whatever quests are thrown my way without analysis.

 

I walk into an empty warehouse. It's certainly empty, as any idiot can see. Yet the Imperial there feels it necessary to tell me it's an empty warehouse. Thanks, dude, I never would have figured that out on my own. He then proceeds to tell me the company has fallen on hard times, which I also never would have guessed. He then asks me to steal a log book from a rival company, to which I must certainly reply yes, because of the aforementioned oath to say yes to everything, come what may. After retrieving the logbook, which paints an obviously criminal picture of the Shatter-Shield clan, which would almost certainly get their operation stopped if I took it to the Jarl. So Orthus, obviously, wants me to... walk to Dawnstar and question a group of bloodthirsty pirates. After silently staring at him for a while, reflecting on the fact that saying "yes" to a quest doesn't actually mean you have to do the quest, I decide that even though Dawnstar was my recent destination, I'd be damned if I went there now.

 

Out the door, over the river, it's worth the swim in icy water just to get away from this bloody place. There's a farm here, and the farmer wants help with his crops. He'll pay me some good money for it.

 

Ooh... make money farming? That's what my new profession is: Mace Raiden, Farmer. It's going on my business cards. So I'll just go pick these crops, and hand... hand them over... and get... paid. Gold. Whuh?

 

That... that's it? The full extent of farming? Just, pick a couple cabbages, and hand them over for gold? Pick cabbages from your, and I use the word liberally, your "farm," the whole six square feet of it, right at your back door, it took me ten seconds and would probably take you idiots nearly TWICE as long, just pick those cabbages and hand them over, and that's worth twelve gold? Like, and I'm sorry to keep hitting on this one, but WOW, like you just walk, you know, four feet that direction, bend down, grasp the nettle cabbage firmly, lift (with your back, not your knees), and you've got supper, but you can't do it yourself, you've got to pay some random wandering schlub?

 

You guys have the easiest fucking job in the world, and you can't even do it yourself. You're morons, really. Complete morons. You just paid me twice what the cabbage is actually worth because you couldn't be arsed to wander over there at some point in the day and grab it yourself. If this is what farming does to a person, I'm out. That's it for THIS job. Mace Raiden, Farmer (retired) is going on my business cards.

 

I silently, calmly walk away, vowing to burn this whole city to the ground one day. I'll tell Urag that there's a book thief hiding out here, he'll take care of it for me. Ugh... I've got to go do something totally different for a while, take my mind off this rampant stupidity. Too bad I'm stuck in Skyrim, where they have indeed heard of a lack of rampant stupidity, but they think it has something to do with building better sloped walkways. Maybe I'll go talk to Delphine again. Why the fuck not?

 

Next: Chapter 16, Lovely Party, Pity I Wasn't Invited
Start at Chapter 1

2 Comments


Recommended Comments

Just after I finished writing Chapter 24, I somehow lost Chapters 14 to 21, so I had to go back and redo them all. They were originally a bit longer and funnier, but having to redo them sapped my enthusiasm and I just ended up phoning it in.

 

So when you read these next few chapters, just pretend it's better than it is. That's what I do. In my mind, this diary has become a masterwork of humor and wit, sending everyone who reads it into paroxysms of mirth and occasionally hospitalization a la Monty Python.

Link to comment

NB: I love the fact that people are reading what I write. It's really quite validating, and makes me feel good.

 

I should point out, though, for the few people that want to follow the blog and get notifications when I add a new entry, that following individual posts doesn't actually give you notifications if I add anything new.

 

For that, you'll need to go up and click where it says "Content Consumer's Blog" and then hit "follow blog" instead.

 

That is all. ;)

Link to comment
×
×
  • Create New...