CHAPTER 28: HEARD THEY'RE REFORMING THE DAWNGUARD
Wherein our hero begins buying cure disease potions in bulk.
Previous: Intermission 3

Before I can begin my assassin-assassination assignation, I've got to drop some of this crap in my backpack off back home. A quick fast-travel to the Whiterun gate and BAM I'm attacked by a vampire and his loyal dogs.

Normally this sort of battle might take me around thirty seconds to finish, but what with Stenvar, a pair of city guardsmen, the blacksmith, the town drunk, and some orc guy jumping in, it takes nearly two minutes. I mean, there's no freaking way I'm going to wade in there... the first swing I make, my axe is bound to connect with a guardsman or something, and I'll be under arrest for assault. I learned my lesson in Falkreath - if someone is attacking a town, just let everyone kill each other and pick up the pieces afterward.

After the battle, the orc walks up to me and tells me that the Dawnguard is looking for people to fight against the growing vampire menace. Glancing around at the recently killed vampire and death hounds, I look him straight in the eye and tell him that I am unaware of any vampire menace, just to see what he does. He, too, takes his time looking around at the carnage, and says "You're not paying attention then." I've been out-snarked by an orc! This guy Durak is now my personal hero.

He tells me about how the hall of the Vigilants was destroyed, and to head to Fort Dawnguard, southeast of Riften, to sign up. He says someone named "Isran" is going to like me. So... if I join your club, I'll make new friends? Well, okay then.

Durak walks off, and one of the guards nearby tells me that he heard they're reforming the Dawnguard. Really? You heard they're reforming the Dawnguard? You were standing like two feet away from me and Durak when he told me about it, listening in, and now you're informing me of that which I was just told? Uh, gee, thanks for the info. His fellow guardsman then walks up to me and asks where these vampires are coming from, and how someone needs to wipe them out. SHEESH! Okay, okay, I get it! I'm headed to Fort Dawnguard to join up to kill vampires! Just stop pestering me!

After a round of the shops, Stenvar and I head to Riften to begin our journey south. It's an arduous trek. Bandits, wolves, and spiders hound us on every side. Worse still, halfway down the road the booze runs out, and we seriously consider turning back. See, it's my new defense mechanism... I figure that if vampires are going to try to drink my blood, I'll get 'em good and drunk on the alcohol in my bloodstream and they won't be able to fight back. It's a genius plan, says the equally-drunken Stenvar.

Anyway, we finally reach a place called Dayspring Canyon. Down the path, there's a farmer guy named Agmaer, who wants to join the Dawnguard too, but he's too nervous. As soon as he asks me to hold his widdle hand down the path, I am suddenly teleported back to the entrance to the canyon. I blame the wine. Sprinting down the path, barely noticing the impressive castle, I try to catch up again, only to teleport back to the entrance AGAIN. I'm beginning to wonder if coming here was a mistake, it's obvious the Gods don't actually want me to enter the castle.

But I press on anyway. Durak hands me a crossbow outside, and I've got to say, if this is what the Dawnguard are fighting with, it's no wonder the vampires are winning. The damn thing takes an hour to load and fire a single bolt! I don't care how much more damage it may do than a bow, I don't want it. Maybe Stenvar can make some good use of it.

So we head on inside, my new buddy Agmaer and me, to interrupt a conversation in medias res. Something about the vigilants being wiped out and vampires overrunning everything. I wasn't actually paying attention... I was seeing just how big this castle is inside and out, and incidentally looting about ten thousand pounds of food from the various barrels scattered around.

When I finally wend my way back to the entrance, Isran is showing Agmaer how to use the crossbow, which he does with appalling inaccuracy. Half the bolts ricochet off the stone wall and land at his feet! Well, everyone's got to start somewhere.

Isran, I come to find out, is an obsessive megalomaniac personality... just the right kind of person you want as a boss. He sends me off after Tolan to a place called Dim Hollow Crypt, which normally I'd say is going to be packed with Draugr, but considering that I'm deep in the Dawnguard questline now, I'm sure it'll be packed with Vampires instead.

Oooooohhh-kay. You're sending me, someone you've never met before, someone whose prowess in battle you are unsure of, who could even be a vampire in disguise, along with an old friend, to a nest of horrible vampires that wiped out a bunch of Vigilants of Stendarr? I mean, I know you've got nothing but scorn for the Vigilants, but you must admit that any force big enough to kill a dozen warriors is probably big enough to kill a raw recruit and an old man, right? Why is it that people keep sending me into deathtraps?

But I am bound and determined to end the vampire menace forever, even though the asshat isn't giving any assistance beyond "you can loot this old abandoned castle for some crappy armor and crappier weapons." Except that warhammer there, it looks pretty cool. Stenvar likes it, anyway... he swaps out his sword for the hammer. Now begins the tale of Mace Raiden, Vampire Hunter, and his trusty sidekick Stenvar, Vampire Prodder!

Once at Dim Hollow, Stenvar and I rampage through the ruin, slaughtering skeletons, vampires, and death hounds left and right. We finally get to a big empty room with a lake in it, pretty impressive really. After killing Lokil, who was apparently meant to be a mid-boss battle but ended up being merely a moment's inconvenience, the two of us search the room for anything interesting.

Nothing pops out, and the place is starting to seem a dead end, when I decide to push the button in the middle of the room and YEOUCH! What sadistic bastard designed that? I don't want any stigmata!

After pushing braziers around in the world's dumbest puzzle, the floor sinks in, and there in the middle of the room is a big stone column. With a woman inside. Yippee, Stenvar, we opened the box and found a prize!

Not much of a prize, though. Either the lady is old enough to predate the empire, or she's just brain-damaged and can't remember. She says she wasn't expecting me, and I ask her what she was expecting, manfully resisting the temptation to say "NOBODY EXPECTS THE NORDISH INQUISITION!"

She wants me to escort her home, because as a powerful immortal vampire whose veins run with dark unholy energy, she's afraid the dark or something, and needs someone to hold her hand. The three of us continue our march through the ruin, killing more skeletons, draugr, and a draugr priest who actually puts up something of a fight, and there's another chanting word wall. Neither Serana nor Stenvar comment on the fact that I absorb mystical energy from stone walls with writing on, which I'm okay with... in Stenvar's case, I blame the alcohol, and in Serana's case, I blame the centuries of burial leading to extensive brain cell degradation.

Anyway, once outside, she tells me to head north to a castle off the coast. This lady is really bossy, but I figure, why the hell not? I mean, it's not as if I'm a member of the Dawnguard, sworn to slaughter vampires wherever I find them or anything. Why wouldn't I play tour guide?

As we set off for Solitude, I remark to Stenvar that this may be the start of a beautiful friendship, but I can't keep a straight face and break down sobbing in the middle of the path. Yep, this is gonna be fun.

Next: Chapter 28, Once You Go Black...
Start at Chapter 1