What to do With Senile, Elderly Parents?

[KoolHndLuke]

 So in my case it is only one parent that is clearly senile to the point of extreme memory loss, physical disability, and borderline delusional. My mom, who has spent most of her life being very independent, has declined in her ability to take care of herself. It crept up rather slowly at first- the occasional slip of the memory, the falling down somewhere, the inability to comprehend what was trying to be explained to her- and over a time became increasingly worse to the point of now she may ask what day it is several times in as many minutes and cannot remember distant memories at all. She forgot to pay her bills starting about a year ago and I had to take over. Now I am afraid to let her drive. Her vision is not really worse- it is her recognition and judgement that is absent now. To make matters worse, she still believes she is fully capable of taking care of herself and fights me constantly.

 I honestly do not want to put her in a "home" to just die. I have seen other relatives put in these places and just cringe to even think about doing so with her. I feel that she- and we when the time comes- should be attended to by their children so that they might spend the rest of their days living in the house they worked for and land they own. I have a brother, but, he is a selfish asshole and doesn't care. So that leaves me to do this. I wouldn't mind except for having to fight with her about doing anything. In the process of doing this, she has labeled me as the "bad" son and my brother who doesn't give a shit is "golden". She even gives him credit for stuff I have done! I don't want to give up, but, damn she is making it very hard for me to do....and sometimes to care. Any insights?

[foreveraloneguy]

You might not want to put her in a home, but caring for someone with dementia or Alzheimer's requires very specific skills. There are facilities dedicated to caring for elderly people with cognitive issues. Some places will obviously allow them to continue to live together as well. If you're in america, there's a site called aplaceformom.com. They were very helpful when I had to find someplace to care for my mother when her care became itself a full time job. I'm sure other countries have something similar. The other option, if your parents are wealth or you have awesome health care, is to get someone to live with them full time. Might be an option, might not.

 

But in any case, understand that it's not a failing, and you aren't "dumping" your mother. She needs special care, and the kindest thing you can do is make sure she gets that care. Then just make sure to visit her very frequently with your dad.

 

And as for the last... well, unfortunately, that's why dementia is the cruelest disease of all. It robs people of their intellect and reasoning. Just keep in mind that your mother will have good days where she seems almost normal, and other days that will try anyone's patience. So it's not her talking, it's her condition. And in the end, you have to live with yourself, even after she's gone. So how do you want to remember those times? Will you be ok spending the rest of your life thinking you could have done something more to help her, even if she didn't recognize that it was you giving the help? Is it really about getting credit? Or something else?

[Tirloque]

The problem with dementia is that, although at early stages they only require a bit of guidance... At the later ones, one can require to be kept over watch constantly, sometimes even at night if they become wandering. No matter how dedicated a caregiver may be, it slowly turns into a fulltime job, and too much for a single person.

 

So, my advice would depend on the stage of the illness :

— Early ? You can manage your parent yourself provided your receive help from paramedical/medical professionals.

— Later stages ? More than one patient ? Your best bet is having professionals do the main watch/care part, and assist them, visit your parents as much as you can in order to ensure they're not "dumped" and do not feel like "forsaken".

 

TLDR : in the advanced stages, same advice than foreveraloneguy.

[27X]

Your choices are facility or help, because you CANNOT do this alone. Can not be done.

 

Dementia never gets better, and it never stops.

 

If you refuse to have an institution do it, you have to get people (as in more than one person, or one extremely qualified person with a set up specifically for your mom)

 

The simple and ugly truth is she's going to become less and less of the person you loved and more of a caricature of that as it gets worse, and all you can do is stick with her until the end.

[Uncle64]

They say that dementia is the illness that hurts the family most and I agree to that. My father did get it. And after some time he started to forget who was who.

Now mum have it, same thing there.

 

You cant take care of your parents your self, you need to get help from your community.

It will wear you down. You must get help.

 

So 1+ on all other posts in the tread.

[KoolHndLuke]

Thank you for the responses, truly! I understand that this will not get better. The thing is that she will NOT go to a doctor for medicine- much less trust a stranger in her house. She will not agree to any kind of help or treatment and still thinks that she can take care of herself. I know I have to do something, but I'm not sure what. Its not about me getting credit. It is about trying to get her to trust my judgement and cooperate on things that she clearly needs. Reasoning with her doesn't work. How can I make her do what she stubbornly refuses to? Do I need to get power of attorney or something? I have asked these questions of medical professionals and they don't really seem to know either. I don't have the money to hire a full time live in for her and am afraid to let the state get involved since they might demand that she go to a home. My "Dad" is an ex-con living his final years in another state far away and never cared about anyone but himself. Brother is the same way. Does not give a single shit about anything but sticking a needle in his arm. There is no other family for me to confide in since they are gone or cannot put their petty grievances aside to help. Its just hard to do this alone like some of you say. I will have to look harder for some help and answers. Again thank you for your comments and support.

[Uncle64]

You need to stop her from driving. That part is not that fun to deal whit. If she is one independent person it is one mayor blow. But if she cant think what she should do while driving, she is not one safe driver, one accident is all that it takes to ruin some others life.

 

You may have need from one doctor there, here in my country they can ban people from driving.

 

We did it whit my father, was not fun at all. But we needed to do it.

He did red-light driving, not stopping in intersections and so on.
 

And kick your brother in his ass, you need to get him along on this.

[27X]

Yep you're gonna need to get power of attorney and that's going to entail an exam.

[Uncle64]

Dont know from what county you are, but most civil modern country's have help of some kind for your issue.

[Tirloque]

Depending on where you live the procedure may vary, but will mostly rely on making the illness officially recognized by a psychiatrist ; and them transmitting his conclusions to a guardianship judge.