That is a very young looking mother given her daughter's apparent age. She almost looks like an older sister.

I liked this. I think it's a really good first effort. Alicia seems like a fun character, full of spirit, and you've given us a good glimpse into her personality and her goals. A very good starting point for a first chapter. ? 

The writing is pretty solid and the dialogue itself is suited to the characters. I don't know why, but the idea of, 'The Argonian vendor in the market thinks I'm good enough so I must be,' made me chuckle. 

On the imagery, just a couple thoughts. And these are just my opinion so take them with a grain of salt. Since there's a fair amount of dialogue, haveing the characters lips open to make it feel like they're actually talking would be something to look at. Also there are several shots where the lighting's not great. There's nothing wrong with atmospheric lighting, but using facelight could definitely improve how the characters appear in those shots. 

Most of the posing is pretty static, which is fine in most cases, but setting an idle or different pose every one in a while can help make the characters feel more alive. 

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. As I said earlier this isn't bad at all for a first effort. ? It kept my attention till the end, and left me genuinely curious to see how Alicia's story continues. 

Hoping for more! ?

I'm going to agree with what Lexi said: the story in itself feels nice, and it's pleasant to have a believable, ordinary background set up for your heroine. Now, regarding the screens using Facelight mod or just simply paying attention to lighting would indeed improve them significantly. As for making the characters lips to open while they speak, but also adding expressions (joy/fear/anger/etc.) I would recommend MFG, it requires a tiny bit of learning but is a major tool for a screenshot story. More info into the club if you're interested, but I wouldn't recommend trying to change all at once, but rather implementing changes little by little, not to get discouraged.

The writing itself is linguistically mostly alright, but I feel the content itself, the relevance of the dialogues and attitudes could be improved. For example :

Anyway, despite the critics, your work is a pleasant read. So it would be a pleasure to discover the future chapters of your story.

Malicia : « Alicia looks very pretty, and very nice. She's even got an excellent name, yes. 

                But she's very pale, so she should eat more meat. Also, her mother shouldn't let her wear clothes like that, or she's gonna have a baby with the guard, uh.  »

5 hours ago, Tirloque said:

 

     Malicia:  But she's very pale, so she should eat more meat. Also, her mother shouldn't let her wear clothes like that, or she's gonna have a baby with the guard, uh.  »

 

At first I thought they just put a bit too much blush onn Alicia's cheeks but then I realized it was itstt that one shot and I was like "Awwweee! Cute!" ?

11 hours ago, LexiAJ82 said:

I liked this. I think it's a really good first effort. Alicia seems like a fun character, full of spirit, and you've given us a good glimpse into her personality and her goals. A very good starting point for a first chapter. ? 

 

The writing is pretty solid and the dialogue itself is suited to the characters. I don't know why, but the idea of, 'The Argonian vendor in the market thinks I'm good enough so I must be,' made me chuckle. 

 

On the imagery, just a couple thoughts. And these are just my opinion so take them with a grain of salt. Since there's a fair amount of dialogue, haveing the characters lips open to make it feel like they're actually talking would be something to look at. Also there are several shots where the lighting's not great. There's nothing wrong with atmospheric lighting, but using facelight could definitely improve how the characters appear in those shots. 

 

Most of the posing is pretty static, which is fine in most cases, but setting an idle or different pose every one in a while can help make the characters feel more alive. 

 

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. As I said earlier this isn't bad at all for a first effort. ? It kept my attention till the end, and left me genuinely curious to see how Alicia's story continues. 

 

Hoping for more! ?

Thank you :))))) I'm definitely gonna look into using facelight and such to enhance the characters for the story.

5 hours ago, Tirloque said:

I'm going to agree with what Lexi said: the story in itself feels nice, and it's pleasant to have a believable, ordinary background set up for your heroine. Now, regarding the screens using Facelight mod or just simply paying attention to lighting would indeed improve them significantly. As for making the characters lips to open while they speak, but also adding expressions (joy/fear/anger/etc.) I would recommend MFG, it requires a tiny bit of learning but is a major tool for a screenshot story. More info into the club if you're interested, but I wouldn't recommend trying to change all at once, but rather implementing changes little by little, not to get discouraged.

 

The writing itself is linguistically mostly alright, but I feel the content itself, the relevance of the dialogues and attitudes could be improved. For example :

  Reveal hidden contents

 

(MOTHER) : "(...) just where do you think you're going?"

"Out of Riften, I want to explore the world and see everything."

"No you're most certainly not child."

"Mother I'm an adult (...)"

"Fine then.  (...)."

 

=> Complete attitude change in two lines, just because her 18 years old daughter told her she was an adult. Not convincing to me.

 

Another example :

(MERCHANT) "I just found something someone sold me awhile back, I figured a young adventurer might have more use for it than me!"

"A book, what's it about?"

"No clue (...)."

 

=> In other words, he claims he has something useful, but next sentence he explains he doesn't have a clue if it's useful or not. 'kay...

 

 

Anyway, despite the critics, your work is a pleasant read. So it would be a pleasure to discover the future chapters of your story.

 

 

Malicia : « Alicia looks very pretty, and very nice. She's even got an excellent name, yes. 

 

                But she's very pale, so she should eat more meat. Also, her mother shouldn't let her wear clothes like that, or she's gonna have a baby with the guard, uh.  »

 

Thank you :)))) I changed up the dialogue a bit in those two scenes, I think it makes it a tad better now, I'll probably change it again if I think of something better.

I just did another read through to take a look at the dialogue changes you made, and I definitely think it's an improvement. I could see a "discussion" between a rebellious daughter and a mother playing out like that. 

.... Not that I have as my experience in that area. ? 

Like Triloque said, maybe try one or two of pr suggestions at a time and build off of it each chapter. I'm still relatively new to this as well and I've set a goal to experiment with or try to improve one aspect of my visual story telling each chapter and it's helped a great deal. 

The other authors here have been super helpful as well. You don't have to take every piece of advice offered, but I would definitely consider it! 

3 hours ago, LexiAJ82 said:

At first I thought they just put a bit too much blush onn Alicia's cheeks but then I realized it was itstt that one shot and I was like "Awwweee! Cute!" ?

Indeed. I even wondered if it was photoshopped or ingame ; but regardless the final result is perfect.

3 hours ago, Exjordanary said:

Thank you :)))) I changed up the dialogue a bit in those two scenes, I think it makes it a tad better now, I'll probably change it again if I think of something better.

As long as you do take it in account in the future, then the advice would've been useful.

2 hours ago, LexiAJ82 said:

Like Triloque said,

Malicia : « It's very funny, 'cause no one spells his name right, no.

              He should've chosen a very better name.  »

Nice job, the images could use a decent ENB, it's 2020 after all. 

But I agree with Tirloque the story feels good and I'm looking forward for more.

Have a look at his suggestions  .