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Afraid of women, help me guys and girls

polaczek

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polaczek

polaczek

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Guys, thanks for all Your responses, some I have found really helpful which I really appreciate. You are really good bunch and I am grateful for that. But I feel like some of You didn't even bother to read what I wrote, or just don't understand the thing I tried to convey and that is kinda sad.

I have said that I am independent, meaning my own place and a stable job. I am healthy, fit, have good friends and Am socialising and going "outside" like someone of You said. Those are NOT MY problems. I ve got confidence in my job and among other guys, but NOT around women. That I recognize as my problem, and it is stressing brcause I cannot figure it out.  Now to get confident With women, one needs success, or a lot of practice. This is where I struggle as I can't bring myself to make advances on women that I find attractive, even to "practice". I have no problem talking to female friends, that are just "friends". 

I have not said anything about threatening or bothering any particular girl or acting like an "alpha badass". I am very lonely, romantically, but I am not depressed. 

NOW what I need is some guidance, or advice or maybe even a plan how to be able to break through and start talking maybe even flirting with women I find attractive to me again as I gave up on it since high school. 

Prostitutes, as someone said, are not an option for me, as I don't respect the idea of paying for "love". 

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NothingReally

NothingReally

Posted
Posted

Guys, thanks for all Your responses, some I have found really helpful which I really appreciate. You are really good bunch and I am grateful for that. But I feel like some of You didn't even bother to read what I wrote, or just don't understand the thing I tried to convey and that is kinda sad.

I have said that I am independent, meaning my own place and a stable job. I am healthy, fit, have good friends and Am socialising and going "outside" like someone of You said. Those are NOT MY problems. I ve got confidence in my job and among other guys, but NOT around women. That I recognize as my problem, and it is stressing brcause I cannot figure it out.  Now to get confident With women, one needs success, or a lot of practice. This is where I struggle as I can't bring myself to make advances on women that I find attractive, even to "practice". I have no problem talking to female friends, that are just "friends". 

I have not said anything about threatening or bothering any particular girl or acting like an "alpha badass". I am very lonely, romantically, but I am not depressed. 

NOW what I need is some guidance, or advice or maybe even a plan how to be able to break through and start talking maybe even flirting with women I find attractive to me again as I gave up on it since high school. 

Prostitutes, as someone said, are not an option for me, as I don't respect the idea of paying for "love". 

Ok, there seem to be two main problems here: Firstly, you've basically put women onto a pedestal - that girl you were planning to marry in school... Yeah, been there, got the crushingly humiliating memories. When you're a teenager, you're an idiot. It's pretty much the default state of being. Basically, your brain has not finished forming yet, so you feel things more deeply and judge them more poorly. Because of this, you've mentally made women into something unattainable and scary, like a separate species. 

 

Lesson 1: They are not. They are people, just like anyone else. The only women who think of themselves as being 'better than' are not the kind you want, trust me. There is no 'women', just people inhabiting female bodies. Friendzoning happens, but it's because one partner is just not interested in the other. It's not their fault, or either of their fault, there's just no spark. I've been friendzoned a couple of times and it sucks. I've also friendzoned others a couple of times. I know one of them was secretly still a bit in love with me for years, which is kind of sad, but it's better than having a dishonest relationship. She's now married to someone she is genuinely in love with.

 

 

 

Secondly, you said that you can't even look them in the eyes when they smile at you; you look away and clench your jaw. It sounds like you've created an aversion in yourself; trained your brain to expect emotional pain when it's in a certain situation. Remembering lesson 1, realise this: It might actually be pretty scary for her to smile at you, especially if you've gone out of your way to look manly and hot. She might well be thinking "oh, he's pretty nice looking. Maybe if I smile at him... oh shit what was that look? He just completely ignored me. Did I do something wrong? I knew I was looking ugly today."

 

...and so you have just reversed the roles, and knocked her back on her arse.

 

Lesson 2: A smile is a test, it says "I think you're hot. Do you like the look of me too?", and if the signals say "No," then you can just not go any further and you haven't made a fool of yourself by talking to someone who's not interested. Try this: next time a cute girl smiles at you, no matter how much you want to run screaming, try to communicate this little narrative "Oh, are you smiling at me? Well, you're actually pretty cute. Now I'm smiling back."

 

You can give her a glance up and down to show you're checking her out (try not to stare at her boobs though). If she's still looking at you, maybe go over and say hi. Doesn't need to be elaborate, just "Hey, how's it going?". Now, you need to fight down the waves of panic that are telling you to run for your life whilst blanking out every clever or funny thought you have ever had. The great part of this situation is that she smiled at you, so she actually made the invitation to go over and talk to her. That means she will probably be trying too. It's not only on you to keep her interested. Her smile didn't say "Come here and entertain me, peasant", it said "I kind of fancy you but I was too shy to come over and say something"

 

So, engage her in some small talk. This might be difficult, but she will probably be trying too. The key thing to remember through all of this is: she's just a person, not a goddess. You have mates you socialise with all the time, right? So you can manage it here. If it goes really awkward, then maybe you two just don't have much in common. It's worth a couple of attempts to revive it, but it's just a little test for compatible personalities. It's not great loss if it doesn't work out. If it does, then great. Remember not to talk only about yourself. Let her know a few interesting things when she asks and elaborate a little if she seems interested, but try to be concise, like you're more interested in her (as you should be). She's also more likely to keep the conversation going if you're talking about her because she already knows the material pretty well. Don't dismiss her questions though, just try to balance it, preferably in her favour.

 

 

When it comes time to go, I suggest leaving a little before you want to (only a little though, give it time to get rolling first), because that means the conversation is going well, so she will remember it in a positive light. Better that than to hit a roadblock or silence. When you do break it off though, make sure to be clear that it's not "I have to go now" or making an excuse to leave, but more like "Hey, I'm actually supposed to be somewhere, but I've really enjoyed this. How about we swap numbers so we can meet up for a drink or something?"

 

If you trip up or say something dumb, remember that it doesn't really matter, and try to laugh it off. 

 

Final lesson: approaching women is not dangerous. It's not like going into a fight, where you mgiht actually come out with a permanent injury of having lost some teeth. Rejection happens to everyone, and it's not a big deal. You play out the little test of "You're hot, you like me too?" followed by a few minutes of testing whether you have compatible personalities. More often than not, the answer is no, but who cares? You probably wouldn't have liked her anyway. The only way to find the one you like is to take the risk and find out. That is just a fear you have to face and overcome.

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bzald

bzald

Posted
Posted

Guys, thanks for all Your responses, some I have found really helpful which I really appreciate. You are really good bunch and I am grateful for that. But I feel like some of You didn't even bother to read what I wrote, or just don't understand the thing I tried to convey and that is kinda sad.

I have said that I am independent, meaning my own place and a stable job. I am healthy, fit, have good friends and Am socialising and going "outside" like someone of You said. Those are NOT MY problems. I ve got confidence in my job and among other guys, but NOT around women. That I recognize as my problem, and it is stressing brcause I cannot figure it out.  Now to get confident With women, one needs success, or a lot of practice. This is where I struggle as I can't bring myself to make advances on women that I find attractive, even to "practice". I have no problem talking to female friends, that are just "friends". 

I have not said anything about threatening or bothering any particular girl or acting like an "alpha badass". I am very lonely, romantically, but I am not depressed. 

NOW what I need is some guidance, or advice or maybe even a plan how to be able to break through and start talking maybe even flirting with women I find attractive to me again as I gave up on it since high school. 

Prostitutes, as someone said, are not an option for me, as I don't respect the idea of paying for "love". 

 

Polaczek, you seem to be doing a little better it never easy yet I have noticed a few things that seem to be at lest one of your problems.

 

1. your the one that seems to focus on being just friends, since we cannot ask these women there response might be "god i wished he would of made a move on me."

 

2. You don't see to be flirting at all, so when you do meet the one girl out of 1000 you like you freeze up NOTE: flirting does not mean your going to say to her the first thing out of your mouth. "Hey baby I'm going to eat your P***" That will most likely get you slapped more often than not. Say "those clothing fit you so well." 

 

3. Don't go for a girl that you like, like it or not you have some baggage like most of us guys you need to work through first so just flirt with the cashier etc.

 

4. Touch while men are visual creatures women for the most part love to be touched, again NOTE: please don't run up to a woman and start bear hugging her start out slow. Again let her know your not wanting to have a handshake with her but something more your moves should signal to her I'm no friend I'm more.

 

that about all i can think of

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Nasseliten

Nasseliten

Posted
Posted

To the OP, How about trying some dating sites. You can sit and speak with girls in the comfort of your own home and you don't need to face them directly. You can learn alot about yourself and other girls from just chatting online. You can even share your insecurity with someone if you get to the point where you trust them. Then you can go meet someone when you feel ready for it. Maybe speak abit on cam, skype. You don't have so much to loose there. Considering it all practice. When you get in contact with someone for a long time you can move them over to facebook foreksample. There are many lovely / kind girls using dating sites. Just watch out for scammers :)

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Koko.Hekmatyar

Koko.Hekmatyar

Posted
Posted

To the OP, How about trying some dating sites. You can sit and speak with girls in the comfort of your own home and you don't need to face them directly. You can learn alot about yourself and other girls from just chatting online. You can even share your insecurity with someone if you get to the point where you trust them. Then you can go meet someone when you feel ready for it. Maybe speak abit on cam, skype. You don't have so much to loose there. Considering it all practice. When you get in contact with someone for a long time you can move them over to facebook foreksample. There are many lovely / kind girls using dating sites. Just watch out for scammers :)

Those sites are worthless unless they verify that the pictures posted are actually the person using the accounts.

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Nasseliten

Nasseliten

Posted
Posted

 

To the OP, How about trying some dating sites. You can sit and speak with girls in the comfort of your own home and you don't need to face them directly. You can learn alot about yourself and other girls from just chatting online. You can even share your insecurity with someone if you get to the point where you trust them. Then you can go meet someone when you feel ready for it. Maybe speak abit on cam, skype. You don't have so much to loose there. Considering it all practice. When you get in contact with someone for a long time you can move them over to facebook foreksample. There are many lovely / kind girls using dating sites. Just watch out for scammers :)

Those sites are worthless unless they verify that the pictures posted are actually the person using the accounts.

 

 

All dating sites are worthless? I Disagree with you. I have met many great female friends via dating sites I have known for more then 3 years now and some I meet in real life. Just need to use some common sense.

 

There has been some with fake pics, and some scammers but I think it's pretty easy to detect people like that.

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shirow

shirow

Posted
Posted

 

 

To the OP, How about trying some dating sites. You can sit and speak with girls in the comfort of your own home and you don't need to face them directly. You can learn alot about yourself and other girls from just chatting online. You can even share your insecurity with someone if you get to the point where you trust them. Then you can go meet someone when you feel ready for it. Maybe speak abit on cam, skype. You don't have so much to loose there. Considering it all practice. When you get in contact with someone for a long time you can move them over to facebook foreksample. There are many lovely / kind girls using dating sites. Just watch out for scammers :)

Those sites are worthless unless they verify that the pictures posted are actually the person using the accounts.

 

 

All dating sites are worthless? I Disagree with you. I have met many great female friends via dating sites I have known for more then 3 years now and some I meet in real life. Just need to use some common sense.

 

There has been some with fake pics, and some scammers but I think it's pretty easy to detect people like that.

 

 

I agree, they aren't worthless, my brother tried some of them ( not the #1 known websites) and made few good meetings. So, well of course there is some scammers, but isn't this true IRL? I mean people hiding their true personality, liars....

 

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Effie

Effie

Posted
Posted

I don't know, i can only give my perspective as a girl. I'm usually not interested in guys that treat me any different than a normal person. When i met my bf, he was shining with confidence and that was what hooked me, even though he may be a bit overweight and such. But i loved that he didn't treat me any different than he would with his friends and that he had so much confidence. It's hard to explain ^^ But i know for a fact that quite a few girls doesn't like being pampered romantically by their friends because that is just beyond uncomfortable and only push some of us further away. How to get over the fear/hate for women i don't know, but most girls are down to earth and a simple down to earth friendly conversation is way better than someone who seems to try hard to ask you out on a date. Often first impression is also the most important. So if you come off as a funny, really confident guy it's always a plus, and then muscles usually won't even matter c:

 

My boyfriend is nowhere near the athletic guy, but neither is he obese. Just a bit overweight and we have been together for almost 3 years now. Mainly just cause he was down to earth, really confident and an open smiling person. After the relationship has begun, you can start focusing on your romantic side, but until then, show your other sides and qualities c:

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overkeks

overkeks

Posted
Posted

Just be yourself and like it.

- Dont try to change yourself in a way you dont want to be, it will get you somewhere you dont want to be.

- Self confidence is not something you "have to be", its how you respect yourself and trust in your own opinions and decisions. In fact you are the only person you have to like... everyone else is exchangeable if it doesnt work out.

People instantly recognize if you hate yourself and feel uncomfortable talking to them because you are afraid of saying something wrong and keep the conversation short.

- Dont drink too much alcohol to overcome you fears... noone wants to talk to drunk people, especially strangers ;). And evryone knows you are drunk, even if you do not. Getting drunk together -> fun. Getting drunk to talk to women -> you dont want that women.

- Realize that every human is different with its own strenghts and weaknesses. And thats one of the most interesting things of it. Woman are not "the Women race" but humans, so this also applies to them ;). So if something went wrong once, realize it was just a thing that went wrong with one person, not "women".

 

Thats the right way in my opinion. Just see a normal person without any sexual intensions/any expectations in everyone and have fun talking to them and living you life. That also takes away the fear to do something wrong or talk to women because they are just... humans. The rest comes later, if you think the person is interesting and vice versa.

Has its backsides, because sex not always but sometimes comes in the way. I lost a good friend some years ago because she wanted more and i did not and the opposite is also a problem. But hey, nothing is perfect and we had a good time, so what ;).

 

You might also read some books/ask friends about picking someone up, try it and have some success. Many people do so and there is certainly a time for it before growing up. But on the long term noone can be happy being a whore... not even a man ;). Most people I know that were or are doing it are living a lonely life and are quite unhappy after some years. And it also changes your personality and the way you look at woman in a bad way and makes it hard to maintain a relationship if you do it too long.

 

 

 

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Koko.Hekmatyar

Koko.Hekmatyar

Posted
Posted

I like confidence and decisiveness in men how they look is secondary in my mind. My advise forget everything that happened in the past completely all thinking about it will do is poison your attempts to move forward. when you see a girl smile at you first do not I repeat DO NOT read to much into it just because a woman smiles at you doesn't always mean she is interested in you. Talk to her naturally get to know her personality and then make a decision on if you could see yourself with her or not but if you do that doesn't mean you go flying off the handle and try to plan out your lives together like you did when you were 18, it's completely possible to push someone away that way (It would be a deal breaker for me for sure).

 

Remember that each woman is different and each have their own unique personality and quarks. Some Women are shy and conservative others are very outgoing and like to be the center of attention others can be shallow bitches who only look at someone based on their looks or standing. What you have to do when interacting with them is try and determine what type of person they are and by no means is this a 30 minute discussion and you have them all figured out thing it might take time and I'm not saying you will not make mistakes and not get rejected all I'm saying is that it takes work and if you're not willing to even try for fear of past events then you will be alone the rest of your life.

 

Example of what I mean by determining a persons personality. Based on how I act in public most people who have only known me for an hour or so would classify me as being a cold sarcastic bitch but the people who have known Me for years and are My friends would classify Me as someone who is very outgoing and helpful to friends and family.

 

It comes down to not judging a book by it's cover. Mine says I am cold and unfeeling but in truth I am anything but so what you have to do is try and get beyond the cover of whatever woman you are interested in.

 

OK I'm done rambling not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore.  :unsure:

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AKM

AKM

Posted
Posted

...It comes down to not judging a book by it's cover. Mine says I am cold and unfeeling but in truth I am anything but so what you have to do is try and get beyond the cover of whatever woman you are interested in...

 

I'm the same way.  It comes down to not wanting to waste time with people who aren't serious about a relationship, weather that be a simple friendship or a romantic one.  If they have to work at it to get to know the real you, by the time they do, you know they're serious, and you've weeded out a bunch of "just for fun"s in the process.  On the other hand, many people do judge by first impressions, so you will, in all likelihood, loose out on a number of potential good friendships with this method.

 

Depends on weather you need a bunch of "friends" to feel good about yourself or prefer a few friends, and don't mind being alone until you find that one person who's best for you.

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shirow

shirow

Posted
Posted

I don't get why confidence is so overrated. I mean a confident person is more likely a person who will be able to manipulate another person. (male or female)

I mean yes that's may be attractive but sometimes it is not real, or just a play.

I don't mean that everyone is bad, or good neither but I don't get it. I mean if someone would do some effort to go see an unconfident person and help him/her throught well perhaps...

 

In fact that's probably what I wish. Even if I'm more confident than the fast years thanks to few persons ( girls in fact...).

Anyway not judging the book by his cover again.

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Queen Bee

Queen Bee

Posted
Posted

It's been a while since I've given advice on a topic like this. I can't promise you I'll be as eloquent as I usually am, or that my advice will be anything more than repeats of things I've already said on the topic to other people, but I can promise you that I take this seriously. I've been there myself, more than a few times. It's something that everyone falls into at least once in their lives, the age old question: "Am I good enough?"

 

The first thing I can say about your fear of women is, like any phobia, it's due to aversion. You build an aversion from avoiding something rather than facing it head on. I realize this is a completely different thing, but I have a phobia of spiders, and that's largely due to my avoiding the damn things like the plague. I once had a fear of deep water, but I overcame that by simply going swimming a lot, and forcing myself to overcome an obstacle to something I wanted. Much in the same way, by avoiding women you're only compounding the problem. My advice to you in this is to reach out, meet women that hold the same interests, and befriend them without any intentions towards romance or sex. It's either that, or continue to avoid them and things will only get worse.

 

Another thing to keep in mind is that, as anxious as women may make you feel, it can be even moreso for the reverse. Sure, there's plenty of women with plenty of attitude, and they're more than happy to spread that around like fertilizer, but women have a lot more to lose if they're alone with a man and things go south. You may consider it a challenge of your courage to work up the nerve to ask a woman out, but I guarantee you it requires as much, if not more, courage for a woman to say yes. And this is where confidence - and that's confidence without arrogance or macho alpha male bullshit - is key.

 

Because I'll let you in on a little secret: the real reason women love confidence so much is because it's a clear sign we can trust you enough to be alone with you. It's not just about control, it's about self control. It's not just about strength, it's about strength of character. A man that can prove he has that is someone we can relax around, someone we can trust. I can trust Boyfriend Fiance because I know he'd never do anything to hurt me, and when the chips are down he's there for me in all the ways that matter. He's a rock, an anchor, someone I can rely on. I find that sexy in a way rock hard abs or a giant bank account can never touch.

 

I can also say that wanting these things - looking for 'the one' and settling down - is a lot to want at such a young age. I'm not being dismissive, I've known people who were ready for such a huge commitment for someone so young, but I'm literally old enough to be your mother and I certainly wasn't ready when I was your age. Hell, I just got engaged a couple months ago, my first (and hopefully last), and I'm thir-*cough*cough*yougetthepointmovingon.

 

My point is, there's time. Don't be in such a hurry to leap into something until you're sure you're ready for it. Maybe you'll be the person you are now for the rest of your life, but more than likely you still have some growing to do. I know I did at 21, and I'm certainly not the same person anymore. I'm not the same person I was at 25, or 29. For you, who knows what the future might bring. That hobby you love may become boring, you may decide that political opinion you consider to be a universal truth is actually immature bullshit, and the type of woman you want now may not interest you at all in five years.

 

Relationships are complicated and messy. Fiance and I like to call it "cooperative chaos", something that requires a plan that can, and sometimes must, be tossed out the window when life throws you a curve ball. It's like doing a tango on the edge of a volcano: scary, sexy, potentially dangerous, but so much goddamn fun it can make you feel invincible. And it's definitely not to be entered into lightly. There's a lot to juggle, and things can change in a heartbeat. You need a lot of emotional and social maturity to handle it all, and that comes with time and a lot of effort.

 

So breathe. Relax. You got this. Concentrate on yourself for now. I'm not saying be self centered or self absorbed. I'm saying do what makes you happy. Go out and hang with people who share your interests. I guarantee you'll meet some nice women that way, and even if none of them appeal to you romantically or sexually, or show any attraction towards you, you'll at least make progress in overcoming your fears. Plus you'll make some solid friends, and that's always a plus. But really, just work on being you. Don't worry about whether or not you can be the right kind of man for women, but concern yourself with being that kind of man for you.

 

Remember the immortal words of Harry from Third Rock from the Sun, "In order to be brave, you must first become afraid. For true courage lies in the overcoming of fear, not in its absence."

 

Or was that from Power Rangers?

 

Either way.

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Effie

Effie

Posted
Posted

I don't get why confidence is so overrated. I mean a confident person is more likely a person who will be able to manipulate another person. (male or female)

I mean yes that's may be attractive but sometimes it is not real, or just a play.

I don't mean that everyone is bad, or good neither but I don't get it. I mean if someone would do some effort to go see an unconfident person and help him/her throught well perhaps...

 

In fact that's probably what I wish. Even if I'm more confident than the fast years thanks to few persons ( girls in fact...).

Anyway not judging the book by his cover again.

Confidence is just appealing to some people. It can show that they have control over their lives and doesn't hold back on anything. It's just different for some people. Other people prefer insecure people cause they can relate and doesn't feel intimidated by the confidence. It really just comes down to preference.

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Koko.Hekmatyar

Koko.Hekmatyar

Posted
Posted

If a guy comes up to me looking all nervous and takes 30 minutes just to get through an introduction I probably will get annoyed and loose any interest I might of had in him now if he comes up to me and is confident in talking to me I'll be more interested. However, You are right that manipulation is possible but that is where learning to read someone come into play, I can generally tell if a guy who talks to me is serious about wanting to get to know me or if he is just trying to manipulate me into getting what he wants.

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Jayleia

Jayleia

Posted
Posted

a person inspired me in life when it comes to women, he told me

 

"Theres no such thing as the "Friendzone" its called being a little bitch"

 

i live by them words now. 

every girl i speak to i now try to hit it off with.

 

Currently: Single

 

Grr...the whole "friendzone" thing.

 

You help friends not because you expect a sexual payoff to make you happy and pull you in from the "friendzone", but because they're your friends and making them happy makes you happy.  If you get "benefits", that's nice too.

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LordJerle

LordJerle

Posted
Posted

 

a person inspired me in life when it comes to women, he told me

 

"Theres no such thing as the "Friendzone" its called being a little bitch"

 

i live by them words now. 

every girl i speak to i now try to hit it off with.

 

Currently: Single

 

Grr...the whole "friendzone" thing.

 

You help friends not because you expect a sexual payoff to make you happy and pull you in from the "friendzone", but because they're your friends and making them happy makes you happy.  If you get "benefits", that's nice too.

 

 

Those are what's called "Friends with benefits."  Or "Fuck buddies"

I'm mostly single because my big fear is that if I enter into a relationship, I'll ruin it by giving an unfair comparison to my former fiancee, and make them feel like they have to live up to her.

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fizzybutt

fizzybutt

Posted
Posted

 

 

Grr...the whole "friendzone" thing.

EM4sY2V.jpg

 

Not everyone has or needs confidence. Everyone has their flaws, just be yourself, and if you're true to yourself, you'll be happy. You'll find you don't -have- to be in a relationship to be truly happy; but a good relationship with your best friend is the most real thing you're ever going to find. And it'll sneak up on you when you least expect it and it'll come from the most unlikely place.

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Inte

Inte

Posted
Posted

So confidence huh?

Can one of you, describe what confidence actually means to you? The only thing I can think of when it comes to confidence is douchebaggery, and that I dislike... enormously, but that might be just my submissive personality.

Can a submissive be confident?

Hmm... according to some dictionary definition confidence is “self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one's abilities.” IDK

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