Problems with a girl

[Bloodfang]

I know that's quite a classy title but I'm looking for some advice here, I asked some friends of mine but I want more opinions and thoughts. I didn't know what to do, so I thought I could make a post here. I hope you guys (or girls) can give me a hand here.

 

___________________________________

 

So to resume my little story, back in my last year in high school I became the best friend of a girl in my class. Quickly, I fell in love with her without really noticing it once she was flirting with one my ex-friend (yea I just ignored the bastard lol), after many many problems, tears and sadness we just stopped talking to each other. Oh and she was keen on writting stories/poems and stuff like that. So let's say that in order to get her attention I used to write some poems dedicated to her and her only ( I know that looks pathetic ). But it didn't worked, she never felt what I felt for her. So yea, I pretty much failed.

 

One year later, I tried to contact her on Facebook, just to end up with some kind of empty conversation. So I just told her that whenever she feels the need, she can contact me.

That's what she did now, 2 years and half later. Saying that she thought of me when reading a "poem" and quoted my old message to say hello. I don't know why I was glad to hear news from her and asked her if she wanted to meet me again in a coffee shop/pub, and she agreed.

 

 

As I know that my feelings for her never really changed (it faded a little through time but I still feel the same even if I, myself changed a lot), I'm afraid to return to this vicious cycle again (hell I won't write anything anymore for anyone though lol).

Also I wonder why did she sent a message to me after all these years ? I thought I was some kind of old toy that she threw in the garbage when we finished high school. Sure I will ask her that question when we'll meet face to face, but it's interesting for me to have your opinion on that matter. My friends told me to not get my hopes up and they're right.

 

 

Oh and I found out that she is bisexual and might already have someone with her. I know I really should move on, but I didn't find someone that made me feel like that.

 

 

 

I hope it wasn't too boring to read, I didn't know where to post this, thanks for your reading and those who will reply !

[Nonsense667]

First off, I apologize in advance if anything I say sounds too harsh.
 

So to resume my little story, back in my last year in high school I became the best friend of a girl in my class. Quickly, I fell in love with her without really noticing it once she was flirting with one my ex-friend (yea I just ignored the bastard lol),

 
You fell in love with her because she was flirting with your friend? Or they are your ex-friend because she flirted with them? I suppose it doesn't really matter, just is a little fuzzy. And for the record, I'm not saying that the former is wrong. I can easily imagine how not being the recipient of affection but being in the vicinity of it could still have an affect on you.
 
 

Oh and she was keen on writting stories/poems and stuff like that. So let's say that in order to get her attention I used to write some poems dedicated to her and her only ( I know that looks pathetic ). But it didn't worked, she never felt what I felt for her.

This is going to be half relationship advice, and half creative writing/poetry advice. There is nothing pathetic about writing poetry. As someone who writes poetry and has even been published in a college's magazine/won an award for one of his writings, I may be a bit biased, but still. However, if it is as you say it is, you were writing purely because "That's what I should do to woo someone" then in my opinion, that's not poetry. Poetry, or any other form of writing, should be something you feel deep down inside of you. It should be a pouring of yourself onto the page. Scream at the fucking world. Anyways. The objective of your writing should not be to make her feel what you felt, but simply to display your own emotions to her. At least that's how I feel. Bare your soul.
 

So yea, I pretty much failed.

 
Women are not games. They are, first and foremost, human beings, just like everyone else. There is no strategy guide, there is no boss fight, there isn't simply a right and wrong way, and you can't just keep trying until you eventually figure out how to beat the game and win the girl. You did not fail. There is nothing to fail at. If a woman is not interested in you, then that, sadly, is that. Think of it in the opposite direction, as I often fear. Imagine someone who you aren't interested in likes you romantically. If you have to refuse them, not being interested that way, how would you feel knowing that they consider themselves as "failing?" It's not failing. It's just what will happen, not everyone is interested in everyone else. And that's okay. There is nothing wrong with simply having a great friend. Even if inside it pains you, as you are imagining and wishing for a lifetime together with them. But that is not failure. You can not make someone else care for you. You can only care for them. But with the right person, that's all you have to do.
 

One year later, I tried to contact her on Facebook, just to end up with some kind of empty conversation. So I just told her that whenever she feels the need, she can contact me.
That's what she did now, 2 years and half later. Saying that she thought of me when reading a "poem" and quoted my old message to say hello. I don't know why I was glad to hear news from her and asked her if she wanted to meet me again in a coffee shop/pub, and she agreed.

 
There is nothing wrong with contacting someone you care for, and it's always nice, at least in my opinion, for someone to know that someone is there who is simply willing to listen. Heh... I'm not sure why you put "poem" in quotation marks. From your tone I'm assuming it wasn't one of yours. Either way, of course you were glad to hear from her. Especially if you considered asking her to meet you after you guys had contact. It's always nice to talk to someone you care for, and to know that they are at least interested in a conversation. 
 

As I know that my feelings for her never really changed (it faded a little through time but I still feel the same even if I, myself changed a lot), I'm afraid to return to this vicious cycle again (hell I won't write anything anymore for anyone though lol).

Then do your best not to. Try to keep a solid grasp on exactly what she is offering, exactly what she is willing to give. And as for the writing... if it's not in your heart to write, then yeah. Certainly don't. :\
 

Also I wonder why did she sent a message to me after all these years ? I thought I was some kind of old toy that she threw in the garbage when we finished high school. Sure I will ask her that question when we'll meet face to face, but it's interesting for me to have your opinion on that matter. My friends told me to not get my hopes up and they're right.

 
Absolutely ask her when she meets you. Though, hah, not to tell you how to talk or anything, I would say "ask it with an open mind, and a happy one." Don't ask "So why did you message me?" with a predatory look in your eyes, desperate and hunting for a certain answer. Just be honestly curious, hah. I don't know about your friend, but I know I often think of friends I haven't contacted, and feel guilty as hell for not talking to them. Generally it's some change in my life that may make me contact someone, whether it's something as simple as having more free time, or something as serious as loosing contact with someone else and looking to fill the void. You may not be getting your hope up as to successfully cultivating a relationship, but from what I can tell, your hopes are still set on that sort of a relationship, even if you don't think it will succeed. I don't really have any advice to give there. Just pointing it out.
 

Oh and I found out that she is bisexual and might already have someone with her. I know I really should move on, but I didn't find someone that made me feel like that.

 
What moving on isn't: Leaving your emotions behind, getting over them, and not having them any more.

What moving on is: Coming to terms with, and accepting your emotions. Accept those feelings as a part of you, and continue on, welcoming other emotions into your heart as well. We humans have pretty big ones most of the time. We can hold a lot of different emotions and feelings, that take shape in numerous different ways. Trust me.

[Halstrom]

Meet with her and chat it out, it's not uncommon for people after being burnt to realise that a person they didn't hook up with was possibly what they really wanted. Currently I kick myself everytime an old friend posts links to kinky pictures on facebook, 10 years ago I passed on the opportunity because I had eyes elsewhere and that didn't happen either, but now I'm commited to another vanilla person now

[AKM]

There are many, many people out there.  You'll find yourself wanting one in particular, but sometimes, for whatever reason, it's not doable.  Finding a way to move on, as mentioned above might be the best bet.  But...

 

When I was in college, right before leaving, I made damn sure to tell a girl I'd been interested in exactly how I felt about her.  Yeah, it could have gone badly, but I was leaving... unless she was interested.  I didn't tell her that, but it was the reality.  Needless to say, she wasn't, I left, and I still have a friend I talk to on an irregular basis.  And I now have no doubts about weather or not she was interested, and put that to rest shortly after I left.

 

Someone's either going to like you or they aren't.  If you go out of your way to do things (like writing poems) to make them like you, you may well just be putting up an act.  It may work, for a while, but you'll find that they might fall in love with the act... something you can't keep up indefinitely, and be massively disappointed when then discover the real you.  I find these waaaayyy to high standards to be the norm on most dating sites, at least so far as the women on them are concerned.  Looking for Mr. Perfect, who, of course, doesn't exist.  Personally, I blame the fairy tales little girls are fed in the U.S.  They want their prince charming and happily ever after, and don't realize that neither exists.  (Yes, I'm seriously jaded.)

 

Finally: this morning I got another reminder of just how short life is.  A friend of mine dead of cancer at 29.  Moral: You don't know how much time you have.  Probably not best to expend it pining over someone who isn't interested.  But then, I've been there done that, so I know where you're coming from.

[Guest Leonardo W]

It is hard to talk about this topic, Relationships are no joke.

So my motto: It's better to live alone and be happy!!!

 

But it depends on your country and culture.

 

I learned to let the emotion aside and ask clearly why me looking after 2 years?

want a relationship or friend?

and if she is bisexual? will stay with me or the other girl?

 

And illusion to believe that she will betray another girl to be with you In the future it may also betray...

Have to analyze all this

 

I can only say that before loving someone else

Ask yourself if you love yourself

 

If yes, try and see what happens

 

[illuminaughty]

I know that's quite a classy title but I'm looking for some advice here, I asked some friends of mine but I want more opinions and thoughts. I didn't know what to do, so I thought I could make a post here. I hope you guys (or girls) can give me a hand here.

 

___________________________________

 

So to resume my little story, back in my last year in high school I became the best friend of a girl in my class. Quickly, I fell in love with her without really noticing it once she was flirting with one my ex-friend (yea I just ignored the bastard lol), after many many problems, tears and sadness we just stopped talking to each other. Oh and she was keen on writting stories/poems and stuff like that. So let's say that in order to get her attention I used to write some poems dedicated to her and her only ( I know that looks pathetic ). But it didn't worked, she never felt what I felt for her. So yea, I pretty much failed.

 

best friend lol  just figure it out lmao

[Bloodfang]

@ Nonsense667

 

No I didn't fell in love once she was flirting with a friend, I said I didn't really realised that feeling once she did that. I know I felt something different from friendship, but still couldn't put a name to it. It was quite confusing.

 

As for poems, you're absolutely right, it was wrong from my part to do that. But I wanted to be with her so bad at that time and I didn't know what to do.

Also, you didn't understand what I meant about the "I failed", I didn't mean she was a failure, I'm a 22 y-old guy. I know that girls are humans with feelings just like I am, I'm no jerk and surely not a heartless dude going after some skirts all week.

I meant that I failed because all these writtings from me didn't get her attention as I wanted. Which leads back to the reasons of writting poetry as you said, and in that particular point I really agree with you. But don't get me wrong, I really loved this girl.

 

 

 

@Halstrom

 

Well, I'll see what she'll tell me once we're meeting face to face.

 

 

 

@AKM

 

Sorry about your friend and you're right, but I wonder, why not give it a try? If it doesn't work, well at least she will be just a friend like she used to be.

 

 

 

@Leonardo W

 

Ah I do think like you friend being alone (single) and being happy is awesome, but when you see couples outside or in the metro, it makes me jealous lol I live in France (but I'm not french ) I don't think it's that different between here and the U.S. despite some differences of culture.

As I said, I just want to see if there's a possibility for her to be interested in me, in case she doesn't well, as my best friend told me at least she will be your friend. Better than nothing I guess.

I don't think she's the kind of person to betray another person, if she has somebody with her of course.

And to reply to your question, hell yea I do love myself and my friends

 

 

 

@Illuminaughty

 

damn you troll

[Userper]

After reading this thread you have to tell us if your meeting went well or not

[Bloodfang]

Sure ! But I have to go back to France since I'm still on holiday until Tuesday ^^

[TheOrthodoxCaveman]

You got friendzoned years ago, that's lost case.

[Nonsense667]

You got friendzoned years ago, that's lost case.

 

 

 

 

Also:

"Slut is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say yes.

Friendzone is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say no."

 

*And as for "Well it's different, not all guys are looking for sex, they actually want a relationship!" Same thing. You don't just put kindness coins into her until a relationship falls out.

[Userper]

 

You got friendzoned years ago, that's lost case.

 

 

 

 

Also:

"Slut is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say yes.

Friendzone is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say no."

 

*And as for "Well it's different, not all guys are looking for sex, they actually want a relationship!" Same thing. You don't just put kindness coins into her until a relationship falls out.

 

 

A truely awesome picture,  and generally you've made a good point

 

Being a man in my mid 20's I sometimes forget that women are more than objects

 

Great post!  the pic made me laugh too

[Guest Leonardo W]

 

@Leonardo W

 

Ah I do think like you friend being alone (single) and being happy is awesome, but when you see couples outside or in the metro, it makes me jealous lol I live in France (but I'm not french ) I don't think it's that different between here and the U.S. despite some differences of culture.

As I said, I just want to see if there's a possibility for her to be interested in me, in case she doesn't well, as my best friend told me at least she will be your friend. Better than nothing I guess.

I don't think she's the kind of person to betray another person, if she has somebody with her of course.

And to reply to your question, hell yea I do love myself and my friends

 

 

 

I am Brazilian, anyway is in America

I wish you luck with your attempt.

 

I am happy alone but do not intend to stay this way forever 

Next year we'll see what happens,

this year I have other objectives

[Myst42]

Sorry to disagree, but according to what I've seen, friendzone does indeed exist.

I'll not try to force-convince anyone of this or say that I have the absolute truth, maybe I'm wrong, but I dont think so.

My intention is exposing a few ideas just so anyone reading is capable of taking their own judgment and belief on the matter.

Ok then!! I guess it's time for one of my little neuro-scientific-anthropologist papers!! (Yaaaay!!)

Here goes:

 

Frienzone: May sound sexist but it's not the sexist concept of friendzoning the one that's real

I do believe any woman has a right to say no.

BUT

Friendzone is a social phenomena that starts from the very beginning of a human relationship

It's that SAME right to decide what determines it

 

The woman in question DECIDES consciously or unconsciously to see a man as a friend (reverse cases have been sighted)

No matter how much effort a friend puts to the matter

He (she?) will ALWAYS be seen as a friend

It's because the other part decided that from the very first moment

 

It's not a matter of sexism or male invention, it's a matter of decision, perception, and ultimately, neurolinguistic programming

I have a friend (we both are frienzoned in each other perception, so no drama there) who lives a very odd lifestyle these days. She does not look for lots of partners, she prefers to be single and not even date... kind of a nun syndrome. But very often I hear funny stories about how guys come to her trying to be something more, she sees them all as friends, consciously. Some stay, but most end up very disappointed even when she was straight to them from the very beginning. A lot of them thought EVEN AFTER they were qualified as fiends they had any chance. And they never stood the slightest one.

That's a bit of an extreme case since it's her choice to be single, but in most cases it depends on the first encounter

 

The first impression is the most important, if any part is interested it has to declare so from the start. If the first approach is friend-like, the other person's brain registers new acquaintance as friend. It's not about sexism it's about neural programming

 

So I don't say a woman is "evil" for friendzoning, believe it or not, in most cases it's the guy's fault

 

And especially the human brain works in funny ways, for example it likes to crave for attention, it often does not care for the things which it takes for granted.

Why do you think there's so much cases of women complaining about "My boyfriend is a jerk, he drinks and parties all the time, behaves like a rockstar but does not have a job or money and he cheats on me all the time. But it doesn't matter cause I'm gonna change him" Even if they do succeed in changing the subject into a faithful, responsible and stable guy, he gets dumped cause he is now considered "boring" and the relationship "is not what it used to be"

 

Poems and romantic songs are fine, but these are not badass enough to call upon another person's libido, they call for "cute" and "tender"

A relationship has a sexual and passionate component, different from "cute". Women say they want Mr perfect, but they fall in love with the bad guy

The bad guy treats them like crap but he is cool and sexy. This works on a SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL so most people will never acknowledge, recognize or even notice this. It's instinctive and primitive human nature, not rational thought. Job decisions are based on rationality, relationships are triggered by passion and emotion. Passion and emotion are the opposite of cold reason and work on a sublevel beneath it.

 

There are exceptions everywhere, but this is what I've recorded to be the mechanics of human behavior in most cases (there's a percentage for exception but better do not start to count you among them, they are very uncommon)

My advice, If you are friendzoned, take the things into your own hands, accept the fact that she'll never see you as anything else and go look somewhere else.

There are plenty of fish in the see, and even when I do believe in love and something more than just sex, I don't believe there's "only one" person to love, I believe it's difficult but things can be built if partners match and share enough things to create an ideal relationship, but there's no need for obsessing about one person in life when it's futile (also pathetic).

 

Some feel capable of being in the friendzone, but that's not right either. Proximity makes the condition worse and creates sickness.

You can be a friend in that case but first, you need to take distance and cure yourself

Anyone in friendzone should take his/her time to run, as far away as they can until it heals, only then begin to adjust heir programming to friend too. And only after all this, they can even begin to consider being friends with the friendzoning part

 

[EvilBastard]

Bloodfang: I'd say you should move on. Keep her as a friend if possible, but hard as it is, there will always be some things nagging at you, how much you try to move on.

Unless you are willing to have little brainghosts haunting you now and then.

 

Try have a date / go out for a coffee or something with other girls if you might fancy, relieve some pressure from this one girl, as you will probably seem more confident with yourself.

Or maybe she can even set you up with one of her friends . That's not always a bad thing, getting to know a new person, reveal yourself entirely to another, and having the brain block out the little "chinks" and flaws a person has because you are so in love.

 

Well, yeah, I'm speaking abit from personal experience, and there is nothing to say that your experience is anything like mine, but that's the way life is. One unique experience for each one of us.

[Halstrom]

Just meet with her, tell her how you feel, don't expect an instant yes or no, even if you do she may change her mind either way after thinking about it, if she's a good friend you won't lose her, if she isn't well just move on and there's plenty of other friends around, also consider in the years apart you have both probably changed so she may not be now what she was then in attitudes / interests etc, but maybe that's why she's calling you. Friend zoning may happen, but doesn't mean it's absolute in all cases.

[darkestblack77]

After reading, I can only say a few suggestions for me.  I'm no expert on these things however so be careful listening to me  

 

I agree a lot with what everyone has said and I commend you for wanting to be careful with the situation.  I woul djust suggest do as everyone seems to be saying; talk it out, don't expect an instant reply, and be kind. 

 

Be careful as well of course; you want to stay out of that cycle and the like, so don't be heartless but don't let yourself get fooled either you know? 

 

And of course, also, peopel change over the course of years.  Sometimes its big changes, sometimes its little.  When you meet her you may not like her still as it may turn out or you may.  Just go in with an open and friednly mind I say and see what happens. 

 

But again, that's just me

[LordJerle]

Have you tried alcohol?

[sora3]

Have you tried alcohol?

That's probably the 'fuck it, nothing works' option which should be last choice ever in this situation.

 

Just meeting with her and read the situation through what you're saying. It really isn't the end of the world if she puts you as a friend. I've been in that situation before and just plain told her that I like her. After talking it out, we agree that we couldn't move beyond just friends. It hurts but there are others out there. You just need to figure out where they are.

[illuminaughty]

how sad about all of this one sided love story remind me of a lonely woman in the town of riften

[Guest Spikes]

I wouldn't go out with her for any other reason than to meet an old friend and chat/lough /catch up on old times. If after that spark flames up move from there. If not, you might have won a friend. Leave the why/what if/old stuff in the closet and lock the door behind when you go to meet her. She deffintely does not want to hear all that and will spoil your time too. 

 

Even in the small chance she thinks of you as a toy(what a weird expression), why would you even care. If your antenas catch such a signal from her, there's a whole world outside that small room you'll be sitting, get up and meet the world or show her the door and kick her fly there.

 

 

[Teechan]

You've probably already hung out with her already (details!) but if you haven't just take everything at face value. Just go expecting to be friends (nothing else) and try to maintain positive energy, without the feeling of awkwardness.   If you feel that your feelings are at any point returning after you meet, and you know she's not interested, there's nothing wrong with saving yourself pain and cutting off contact indefinitely.

[Bloodfang]

Almost forgot this post I made, shame on me.

For those who wanted to know what happened, well, I met her in a coffee shop. At first she was blushing, I guess it's because she felt ill-at-ease with meeting with me after 3 years.

But I quickly started to joke with her and talk to her about what she did these last years, then it was like we were still friends.

I tried to ask her why she contacted me after all these years, she was thinking a little and just said... "I don't know, I can't give you an answer" xD

 

After that, I was bored of sitting there so I told her to have a walk with me around the city, we were talking and joking. It felt weird but I just tried to be myself

Then after a while, I waited with her, as she was going to meet with a her (female) friend. I said goodbye and she surprisingly said "we'll meet again soon".

When I got back home I got a message from her saying :"let's make those words real and not only empty promises" (rough translation by me )

 

Oh and she has a boyfriend working in a bar (well she said so), but guess what, I don't mind. I bet he's skinny with 0 muscles.

[Halstrom]

Almost forgot this post I made, shame on me.

For those who wanted to know what happened, well, I met her in a coffee shop. At first she was blushing, I guess it's because she felt ill-at-ease with meeting with me after 3 years.

But I quickly started to joke with her and talk to her about what she did these last years, then it was like we were still friends.

I tried to ask her why she contacted me after all these years, she was thinking a little and just said... "I don't know, I can't give you an answer" xD

 

After that, I was bored of sitting there so I told her to have a walk with me around the city, we were talking and joking. It felt weird but I just tried to be myself

Then after a while, I waited with her, as she was going to meet with a her (female) friend. I said goodbye and she surprisingly said "we'll meet again soon".

When I got back home I got a message from her saying :"let's make those words real and not only empty promises" (rough translation by me )

 

Oh and she has a boyfriend working in a bar (well she said so), but guess what, I don't mind. I bet he's skinny with 0 muscles.

Well there you go wasn't so bad after all, don't get your hopes up for things to go further than friends but don't rule it out either. It wouldn't be the first time a woman has made a pretend boyfriend to not be immediately available or been thinking of or in the process of dumping that boyfriend because things are going sour in that relationship. They don't like to be forward so asking "why did you call me?" isn't always going to get a truthful answer, it's just not usually their nature, women are like ovens they need more time to preheat & cook, men are more like microwaves 2-5 minutes and "ding".

[Koko.Hekmatyar]

That depends more on an individuals personality then anything else. I have girlfriends who are friendly and outgoing and are described as such where as I have been described as somewhat cold and hard to approach, If You were to ask me a personal question I'm likely to do one of two things A answer it as truthfully as possible or B tell you it's none of your damn business and to drop it.

 

Short form is you can't lump women into one category or personality set we are all different.