Relationship advice needed please

[kowaretatenshi]

ok i dont know if this is the place to ask this but so many people seem willing to help and i need multiple opinions becuase honestly i have been hurt so many times and had my heart used as a chew toy and my mind taken out and played with in my past relationships, and the current relatioship im in right now she doesnt do any of that and shes so kind and wonderfull and sweet and shy but its long distance and i dont get as much time with her as i used to becuase of her classes and her job and im worried that she is gonna get bored with a "nice guy" like me and that she will just leave becuase im not some super exciting and spontaneous person, im just a stay at home and spend time with the one i love person, id like some advice and what i should do so i dont lose her, im happier then i have ever been in my life with her and i want to make her happy too, she says im already perfect but i dont believe that, maybe its from all the mental abuse that i dont think much of myself but idk, any advice? 

[nutluck]

My advice is you have to be yourself. If you change to please someone else that relationship is doomed to fail eventually. The one thing you learn as you get older is the vast majority of relationships fail. The best you can do is be yourself, enjoy the time you have together and if things work out then they work out, if not they won't. People change over time and there is not much you can do about that.

[kowaretatenshi]

My advice is you have to be yourself. If you change to please someone else that relationship is doomed to fail eventually. The one thing you learn as you get older is the vast majority of relationships fail. The best you can do is be yourself, enjoy the time you have together and if things work out then they work out, if not they won't. People change over time and there is not much you can do about that.

i suppose but im a very emotional person, when i go into a relationship i dont go into ti until i know i love them and so i put my whole heart into it and well... im not sure i can take my heart being torn out anymore, its happened too many times already and the scars build up over time

[Gameplayer]

 

My advice is you have to be yourself. If you change to please someone else that relationship is doomed to fail eventually. The one thing you learn as you get older is the vast majority of relationships fail. The best you can do is be yourself, enjoy the time you have together and if things work out then they work out, if not they won't. People change over time and there is not much you can do about that.

i suppose but im a very emotional person, when i go into a relationship i dont go into ti until i know i love them and so i put my whole heart into it and well... im not sure i can take my heart being torn out anymore, its happened too many times already and the scars build up over time

 

 

uh your not the only one out there that has happened too.

 

Its too common these days.

 

IF that happens well, you make up your mind no matter what your going to pull through and last time that happened to me I just said fuck it every crazy thing I ever wanted to do that didn't involve a woman I was just going to do. 

 

I make myself go to the gym and have changed my whole body...Always wanted to do that as a kid growing up and for a while there it just seemed like something that was never going to happen for me.  I'm coaching some people at the gym now sharing everything I've learned.

 

Went back to school, I don't know if I will make it into a Masters but damn I'm fucking passing some hard classes!

 

Make mods and give those toys out to the whole fucking world...I can tell you in Meat Space there is like no one that can say that they have given out a Million fucking toys...I mean so what if the kids I'm giving these too are Teens to 40's, that bitch had the whole thing wrong...I'm not even an old man but I'm Santa Claus damn it!  I have this old computer but its nice, found a kid working at a convinence store that loves gaming going to give it too him!

 

The more challenging and impossible to achieve the better...Come to think of it I should write that B''''' a thank you letter at some point.

-------------

 

Sorry, uh the best thing you can do is too really work your plan.  If you don't have a plan make it, borrow it, steal it, or fake it till you make it.

Girls and women love guys that are really into working at what they do and passionate about doing it.  So get passionate about improving something and work it.

 

 

[drlove33]

The only advice I can give is from my own past,never change yourself,as long as you are happy with who you are then other people will either accept you or they wont dont lose sleep over it.I have been in alot of relationships through the years,and when I least excepted it I met my wife.Always be true to yourself and if the girl really does think your perfect then dont sweat it,if its meant to be then it will,but life is to short so dont rush anything,and just enjoy the ride.

[Chaos63]

May I suggest rough sex or some similar devious escapade? It seems like it would serve as a good counterpoint for the bland good guy routine.

Just to keep things balanced and...un-boring.

[Skippe]

i have also personally noticed that being yourself is always base of the relationship and as others has mentioned there are times when relationship dont last or something efects that it steadily comes friendship and stays that way. i had similar experience when i was at hmm 7 grade that my feelings were just used to get other guy attention first and then out of nowhere and behind the tree breakup.

 

i think i might have experienced it lightest way than others since girl i liked and was in love were in the end quite nice and did tell me honestly that he cared other guy more. still it left its mark , i am now more carefull and take time to know any girl i am interested. going eat together, movies , coffee first . so its slowpace and i am one of the too nice guy type a bit i think .

enjoy your life and take it at your own space and perhaps someday you find what you are lookin for.

[propens]

That's definitely a tough and scary situation that I've found myself in a few times. These other peoples' advice about being yourself is definitely important cuz they gotta love you for you, otherwise you gotta fake your whole life and that's no fun. Plus, being yourself with a girl is fun and encouraging since they will help to build you up if they're the right kind of girl. And work on having fun too. Be spontaneous sometimes too. That's not always easy, but in my experience, a lot of girls like that. Save up to visit her and what not. Then just let her know you're visiting one day! But you definitely need to make a conscious effort to try and keep her too. If you are actively trying to work to make her happy and such in whatever that may be, I'm sure she'll like that! It's definitely worked for me! If ya have any questions, you can PM me and I'd be happy to help. 

[Farmthat]

Agreed.  Be yourself. 

 

As for your heart getting torn out... it always feels that way.  I was devastated when my best friend betrayed me and took my GF to prom, I was totally heartbroken again at 23 when the woman I had fallen in love decided to keep traveling instead of stay with me... but I'm married now, at 30.  

 

And I don't think I would be where I am today if I hadn't had those negative experiences.  They hurt.  A lot.  But they hurt less with time, and you learn something very valuable from it all. 

 

I have learned how to love carefully, in a way that doesn't jeopardize myself.  I'm okay by myself.  Dependency was one of my earlier problems.  I've learned how to cope with loss and rejection. A relationship can only be halfway under my control and nothing is certain, so I just try my best and shrug off the rest.  Similarly, I've learned the value of compromise and the importance of effort.

 

So, just be yourself.  Scars are less scarring than you might think. I kept a journal after my heartbreaks, and it helped. In my head and chest, the concerns, anguish, doubts, fantasies and what-if's swirled around in what felt like a giant dark knot the size of a basketball. Nothing made sense, it just hurt and felt hopelessly complicated. But when I strung out all my thoughts on paper, it turned out the issues were actually straight-forward and pretty short.  A few pages later things would make sense and I'd feel better...

 

As for the current relationship, distance can be a pain... especially when you don't know when it's going to end.  I spent two years in a distance relationship.  I actually felt that she knew me pretty well because of it. Gchat, emails, sharing URLs... in a way, it's a little easier to overcome some of the barriers face-to-face conversations have.

[kowaretatenshi]

That's definitely a tough and scary situation that I've found myself in a few times. These other peoples' advice about being yourself is definitely important cuz they gotta love you for you, otherwise you gotta fake your whole life and that's no fun. Plus, being yourself with a girl is fun and encouraging since they will help to build you up if they're the right kind of girl. And work on having fun too. Be spontaneous sometimes too. That's not always easy, but in my experience, a lot of girls like that. Save up to visit her and what not. Then just let her know you're visiting one day! But you definitely need to make a conscious effort to try and keep her too. If you are actively trying to work to make her happy and such in whatever that may be, I'm sure she'll like that! It's definitely worked for me! If ya have any questions, you can PM me and I'd be happy to help. 

thank you, i have tried before to be not me and yeah it does not work, sadly i did have the money ti needed to go see her, $800 and then it was taken from me to fix a truck that blew up with me in it.. aint life fun?

Agreed.  Be yourself. 

 

As for your heart getting torn out... it always feels that way.  I was devastated when my best friend betrayed me and took my GF to prom, I was totally heartbroken again at 23 when the woman I had fallen in love decided to keep traveling instead of stay with me... but I'm married now, at 30.  

 

And I don't think I would be where I am today if I hadn't had those negative experiences.  They hurt.  A lot.  But they hurt less with time, and you learn something very valuable from it all. 

 

I have learned how to love carefully, in a way that doesn't jeopardize myself.  I'm okay by myself.  Dependency was one of my earlier problems.  I've learned how to cope with loss and rejection. A relationship can only be halfway under my control and nothing is certain, so I just try my best and shrug off the rest.  Similarly, I've learned the value of compromise and the importance of effort.

 

So, just be yourself.  Scars are less scarring than you might think. I kept a journal after my heartbreaks, and it helped. In my head and chest, the concerns, anguish, doubts, fantasies and what-if's swirled around in what felt like a giant dark knot the size of a basketball. Nothing made sense, it just hurt and felt hopelessly complicated. But when I strung out all my thoughts on paper, it turned out the issues were actually straight-forward and pretty short.  A few pages later things would make sense and I'd feel better...

 

As for the current relationship, distance can be a pain... especially when you don't know when it's going to end.  I spent two years in a distance relationship.  I actually felt that she knew me pretty well because of it. Gchat, emails, sharing URLs... in a way, it's a little easier to overcome some of the barriers face-to-face conversations have.

sounds like we both had a hard time of dating, then again on my end dating a living decendant of vladamir Tepes might have told me what was gonna happen on my end hehe, if you know who that is anyway, lotta people dont anymore. 

[Starless Aeon]

Confidence is something you build with time by working on yourself and improving yourself. As for her "getting bored" well, all I know is we (men) are not here to entertain, we are not clowns. Women today often don't know what type of man they want, or they have too high expectations, but that's just my opinion.

On the side note, relationships and dating are just small aspect in a life of an individual, so don't take it too hard on yourself if you end up single or something bro. Anyway, best of luck!

[AKM]

I share some of the opinions here, in particular that dating today is something of a joke.  It's a joke for numerous reasons, one of the strongest of them having to do with the fact that it's been reduced to being called "playing the game".  If one of the most important decisions you can make in life has been reduced to a "game", then something is seriously wrong with society.  Unfortunately, there are many people out there who hear that it's a game, and treat it as such, hence why you must be so damn careful about who you trust.

 

As per expectations, there's no reason not to have high expectations, just be prepared to wait for the right one.  In the mean time, though, don't let those high expectations get so high as to be unobtainable, or you'll be waiting your whole life.  You have to decide what's important enough to be critical, and what isn't quite as important as you originally thought it was.  I'll give you two examples.

 

1. I love blondes.  It would be amazing if "Ms. Right for me" was blonde.  You know what, though?  It's about who, far more than what.  Blonde is a "nice to have", not a necessity.

 

2. Smoking absolutely disgusts me.  If she smokes, I don't care if every other requirement is fulfilled, I'll be moving on.  Having said that, that might be the wrong choice.  My grandparents are together, and one of them smoked when they met, but quit smoking before things got serious.  They've been married a LONG time now, and are seriously, head over heels in love with each other, even after all these years.

 

One of the things my Dad did when he was deciding was make a list.  He sat down and wrote down the things that he felt important, the must haves, the nice to haves, and the not really necessary's.  Then he applied that list to potential mates, and came up with Mom.  They, too, have been happily married for many years.

 

Take a look at "successful" couples, and really look at not just what they have, but what they have to do to keep it.  Relationships take work.  The difference is, if it's right, it doesn't feel like work.  As my best friend told me once: "With every other woman I ever dated, it was work.  With my wife, it's easy." 

[Guest Comrade DR. MAHUJ DIK]

ok i dont know if this is the place to ask this but so many people seem willing to help and i need multiple opinions becuase honestly i have been hurt so many times and had my heart used as a chew toy and my mind taken out and played with in my past relationships, and the current relatioship im in right now she doesnt do any of that and shes so kind and wonderfull and sweet and shy but its long distance and i dont get as much time with her as i used to becuase of her classes and her job and im worried that she is gonna get bored with a "nice guy" like me and that she will just leave becuase im not some super exciting and spontaneous person, im just a stay at home and spend time with the one i love person, id like some advice and what i should do so i dont lose her, im happier then i have ever been in my life with her and i want to make her happy too, she says im already perfect but i dont believe that, maybe its from all the mental abuse that i dont think much of myself but idk, any advice? 

Just be yourself, if shes with you its because she likes you the way you are, changing would be stupid. Now about the distance, do you have a job or youre a student? if youre a student transfer to a  college near were she lives. If youre working move out to were she lives, love is something precious and rare, sometimes you need to do something crazyn to keep it.

[merryMalfunctioning]

 

im worried that she is gonna get bored with a "nice guy" like me and that she will just leave becuase im not some super exciting and spontaneous person, im just a stay at home and spend time with the one i love person, id like some advice and what i should do so i dont lose her, im happier then i have ever been in my life with her and i want to make her happy too, she says im already perfect but i dont believe that, maybe its from all the mental abuse that i dont think much of myself but idk, any advice? 

 

For starters, let's clarify something: no one has ever gotten dumped for being a nice. The "nice guy" myth is poison. Being nice is a GOOD thing. It's just that nice isn't enough. Being "nice" is like the bread in a sandwich. It's necessary, but it's not enough all by itself.

 

Anyway, if this woman works and goes to school, chilling at home is probably heaven for her. :-) And as long as you're up for doing out-of-the-house stuff when she's in that mood, it's probably all good.

 

It's good that you're thinking of how to make her happy, but also be thinking about how to make YOU happy. Selfishness (in moderation) is healthy. It's attractive too, because it shows that you value yourself. And if you don't value yourself, why should anyone else?

 

From what you've written, I feel like we are probably quite similar in some ways. And the times in my life when I got dumped were the times when low self-esteem took over and I was living to make my partner happy. The times in my life when women were really into me were the times when I was out there, pursuing my own goals and interests. So I'd say that the best thing you can do is work on yourself, on your self-esteem, and on pursuing the things you want. See a counsellor if you can, exercise or go to the gym more often, read some great books, etc.

 

Feel free to message me directly if you want to talk more. :-)

[kowaretatenshi]

 

 

im worried that she is gonna get bored with a "nice guy" like me and that she will just leave becuase im not some super exciting and spontaneous person, im just a stay at home and spend time with the one i love person, id like some advice and what i should do so i dont lose her, im happier then i have ever been in my life with her and i want to make her happy too, she says im already perfect but i dont believe that, maybe its from all the mental abuse that i dont think much of myself but idk, any advice? 

 

For starters, let's clarify something: no one has ever gotten dumped for being a nice. The "nice guy" myth is poison. Being nice is a GOOD thing. It's just that nice isn't enough. Being "nice" is like the bread in a sandwich. It's necessary, but it's not enough all by itself.

 

Anyway, if this woman works and goes to school, chilling at home is probably heaven for her. :-) And as long as you're up for doing out-of-the-house stuff when she's in that mood, it's probably all good.

 

It's good that you're thinking of how to make her happy, but also be thinking about how to make YOU happy. Selfishness (in moderation) is healthy. It's attractive too, because it shows that you value yourself. And if you don't value yourself, why should anyone else?

 

From what you've written, I feel like we are probably quite similar in some ways. And the times in my life when I got dumped were the times when low self-esteem took over and I was living to make my partner happy. The times in my life when women were really into me were the times when I was out there, pursuing my own goals and interests. So I'd say that the best thing you can do is work on yourself, on your self-esteem, and on pursuing the things you want. See a counsellor if you can, exercise or go to the gym more often, read some great books, etc.

 

Feel free to message me directly if you want to talk more. :-)

 

thanks for the advice mate, sadly id forgotten about this thread simply becuase... she dumped me a week ago id say... i dont matter anymore

[JaFinmongrab]

Imo, don't get attached. Enjoy the time you spend with each other but never rest thinking this is the one and life is going to be perfect and beautiful from now on. People aren't that different from wild animals. We may seem tame and loyal and BFF's but at any moment, the mood can change and without reason or warning. Life is short. Don't get caught up on plans. If she stays, she stays and if you're still happy, keep her. If not, move on.

[ItsTheGre]

Just tell your favorite person:thats who i am,and i love you,i cant change it,love me for who i am...trust me i dint have the courage to say this to my crush..so please do it....