Depression

[Guest endgameaddiction]

It's good to see you again, Molevalence. And really, it does take guts to admit your depression. I reached a point in my life where I just didn't care if I made it aware. I went through so much internal and external pain from that it just didn't matter to me anymore. I am happy that now I have actually been able to confront my depression and take control of my life again. 16 years of depression and 10 years of it to myself. Afraid to speak out because I expected the worst.

 

Anyone who comes out and admits it, is valiant. It's a serious condition. And if you can find the will power to find professional help, do so. I never did. It has always been a battle against me and my emotions.

 

 

I've always thought you were a cool person. You need to pop in more often.

[tyuijhgf]

i want to say things to help because

i myself have had depression but i can never get the words but what i can tell you is that when you do get to see a doctor and you finally get antidepressants you will notice a change maybe not right away but in a month you feel like you have more life in you and........i really hope you get better

[Molevalence]

It's good to see you again, Molevalence. And really, it does take guts to admit your depression. I reached a point in my life where I just didn't care if I made it aware. I went through so much internal and external pain from that it just didn't matter to me anymore. I am happy that now I have actually been able to confront my depression and take control of my life again. 16 years of depression and 10 years of it to myself. Afraid to speak out because I expected the worst.

 

Anyone who comes out and admits it, is valiant. It's a serious condition. And if you can find the will power to find professional help, do so. I never did. It has always been a battle against me and my emotions.

 

 

I've always thought you were a cool person. You need to pop in more often.

Thank you.

[Ailsa]

I admire all who speak openly about depression and I say with all my heart - please get professional help, the right anti-depressants can really make life liveable, and it is so worth the effort.  You are all in my thoughts and wishes.

[Dovakeks]

Hey there Molevalence,

 

I am new here, so I don't really know you. But I'm really grateful that you posted your story. I wish it would have been differently for you, so you don't have to live with this.

 

I wish my mother would understand me, but I don't think she really gets what goes on in the mind of a person with depression.

Every time we would talk about suicide, because someone we knew died, she would always say that thats absolutely crazy. How can someone take his/her own life ? Suicide isn't the answer.

 

Yeah, I guess she is right. I'm maybe just crazy. I'm fucked up in my mind. I've asked myself for a long time what is wrong with me. Now I just gave up trying to understand it and just accepted it.

 

You know, nowadays there almost never passes a day, where I want to die. My depression gets so severe that I just stay in my room and cry the whole time and I try to think how I could kill myself, so I can just fucking end it already. 

But why am I that sad ? I shouldn't be sad. Nobody died in my family, nothing really that bad happened. I know that I shouldn't be sad, but I still am. 

 

I'm depressed, because I was left alone. Alone at the age of 10 years. The only thing that kept me alive for so long was hate. Hate for what happened to me. Hate for the people who picked on me, and for those who ripped my heart apart. But the most I hate is myself. Just for being the person who I am. I'm not really great at anything, I can't function like other people. I'm just so different. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere...

 

Now I'm just sitting here and crying like the whiny person that I am. I actually have no idea why I even get up in the morning. Since school was over I never new what I should do with myself.

 

You know I'm actually not scared to die. I've just lived 20 years, but I really don't care anymore. Its hard for me to find something, where I don't feel.. empty. 

 

I'm sorry for this post. This is more or less actually just me rambling and getting carried away. I'm not having a good time right now. 

And I know that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I just somehow can't handle life I guess.

[gerra6]

...

snip

... 

I'm sorry for this post. This is more or less actually just me rambling and getting carried away. I'm not having a good time right now. 

And I know that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I just somehow can't handle life I guess.

Don't apologize for taking action, even if it is just posting in a thread about depression.

 

Depression is tough. For many, it is the toughest thing that they will ever have to deal with because no matter what other bad or good things happen, depression can strip away our ability to act, to respond, to react, and to grow.

 

But it is not a sign of weakness. Going to battle against depression, carrying that fight forward, is a mark of strength and guts and bravery. Never forget that.

 

If there is one piece of advice I can give you it is this.

 

The mind is in the meat. This means your brain can learn, it can be taught, it can be bridled and brought to bear. You are not helpless, you are not weak. But like any other skill, taming your brain and training it to support you rather than undermine you takes practice.

 

So start small.

 

I'm a fan of self-applied cognitive behavioral therapy, but there are plenty of approaches that can work. Just remember that who you become can be shaped by who you want to be.

[Nixea]

This may or may not help, but I feel I should share a bit of my own situation to see if it inspires you and possibly others. I've been pondering for a while the possibility that I'm on the verge of depression. With the current crisis in place, it's damn near impossible to find a job as a young person with little experience, which makes me feel like I'm on a race against the clock and that the fure is nothing but uncertainty.

I get very anxious when I have to do anything that's "out of the norm", meaning anything that isn't taking out the trash, going shopping or visiting relatives. I've been looking for a stupid job now for maybe 4 years, only doing random odd jobs whenever I was lucky enough.

At this point I'm incredibly discouraged about looking for a job because I feel like it's useless, just going outside to check opportunities feels like a quite heavy burden on me, and makes me anxious to no end.

But one thing does keep me going, and that's the knowledge that this situation won't last forever.

I've learned to carry on taking pleasure in small things that give me what I call "euphoric rushes" such as a nice meal, new episodes from my favorite youtubers getting uploaded, or having a coffee on a day with the right weather, playing online in coop with friends...

I want to study cooking so I can be a professional chef, which is not possible right now since I'd need to have a job first, but I know at some point things will go back to normal, this situation can't carry on indefinitely. TL;DR, look for a goal, or a set of goals that keep you carrying on.

[Dovakeks]

Hey Nixea.

 

I can actually completely understand you in that situation. I have been there myself.

I also got very anxious when I had to do something else then usual. Damn, I spend like 70% of the day in my room.

 

Whats really stupid is that its really the opposite right now for me. I have a job, that is also being very well paid.

But I don't want it. It may sound weird, but Its very hard for me just to get up and even go to work. Maybe I'm just being ungrateful.

I also don't like to go there, because they always say that I have to do everything faster. I mean I'm not the fastest person around and I don't learn that fast either. I'm mostly just slow with everything. I am still trying to do the fastest I possibly can, but its never enough. Its a pain for me to go there, but I still do it so that my family shuts up and so my mom will be happy, that I finally found something.

I also daydream alot. Already since Elementary school I day dreamed. I often don't listen or can't even listen, because I'm just not here. I can't control it I just somehow drift into it randomly.

People always think that I'm just lazy or don't even want to listen. So its always been hard for me.

Like everyone I know already got a job right after school or went to college and I was just sitting here daydreaming, don't really have any idea what I want to do. I still don't know what I want to do actually.

 

That also pisses me off what endgameaddiction said. My whole family always asked me if I have a job already, but I mean like really fucking persisted. I never even could visit anyone from my family without them asking and keep telling me that it isn't that hard to find a job, and that I'm probably not even looking for one. I mean no "Hey, how are you doing ?", only always "got a job already ? You need a job you know. When I was 16 years old I already had 2 jobs, bla bla bla...." I can't even listen to that shit anymore. You are nothing if you don't have a job at every moment of your life apparently. Maybe thats just a german thing.

 

Well anyway, Nixea you said that you want to study cooking, right ?

I don't know where you live, but can't you cook in a restaurant ? You don't really need any degree to work there. Well probably you would only be the dishwasher, but that counts as experience too. Sometimes they let you cook too. I have tried that myself. I was actually just the dishwasher, but they showed me a few things.

You won't be that well paid though.

But nothing is rushing you actually. Go at your own pace. Take your time. If you need more time for something, then so be it.

[Dovakeks]

Hey there everyone.

 

Its night time right now and I actually have to go to bed, because I have to work tomorrow. But for the life of me, I just can't find any sleep.

I've been growing more and more tired over the last few days. I can't really sleep that great anymore. As soon as I shut my eyes, I basically start dreaming. About things I wished I did in my life. About things that I missed as a child. Most of all I keep dreaming and thinking about how I'm going to tell everyone that I'm depressed. What will they probably think of me ? Would they even care ? I often dreamed about running away from everything. Going to a place that would maybe be better for me. Then again I dream about fortifying myself where it is quiet. Where I would be alone, by myself. Where nobody would want something from me or where I wouldn't have to do something.

 

I actually feel worthless. I'm just a weight for everybody. I can't really function like everybody else does. I mean like at all. 

I can't even do the simplest things sometimes. Even if its high time to do something, I can't simply do it.

My family is poor. Money was always the problem. I can't even remember of a time, where we had money.

My parents fucked up pretty bad financially. My mom and I can actually speak of luck, that we found an apartment.

My mom keeps telling me, that I shouldn't fuck up that bad like they did. That it is high time for me to go working and make money. 

But I can't. I try finding a job and I try to do something, but I fucking can't. 

Even now in my job, I wish I never got it. Its very exhausting just going there. I've only been there for a few weeks, but its getting me down. Everytime I go there, the more I don't want to do my job.

Its even hard for me to learn, because I only have a short time of real concentration. I just somehow shut off after an amount of time. Then I just drift off into thoughts and sometimes start to daydream.  Nobody needs someone like me in a job.

 

Just like now its actually high time for me to do something. Take life in my own hands, but I can't. I failed. Again.

I couldn't even finish my drivers license, because I didn't have any money left anymore.

I should of had a job so I could finish it. But I didn't get one, because I couldn't. Most of them think that I'm just to lazy to do anything. But I'm not lazy. I just somehow need more time maybe...

Like I said, I'm just a weight for everybody. Slowing them down with everything they are trying to achieve in life.

Thats why I tried cutting myself off. Sometimes I think, that they would probably be better off without me. 

 

Like right now, I know that I can't make it tomorrow to my job. I try to motivate myself to go there. I'm really trying to get myself out of this shit position I'm in. But I fucking can't ! I know my mom is going to be really pissed at me, that I can't make it over there.

I'm actually really sorry for her, that she has to put up with my shit.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Ailsa]

Dovakeks - Have you tried to get professional help?  I really recommend it, getting some answers really helped me.

[Dovakeks]

I couldn't make it to work today. My mom got pissed and yelled at me. She said that they are probably going to fire me. She said that she doesn't know what she should do with me anymore. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do now either. 

 

I'll try to get professional help. I think I'm going to do that now. I can't live on anymore else I think. I wish it was different.

[Aria]

Really sorry to hear about your depressions Dovakeks.

 

I know very good how you feel, i been with depressions for 20 years now, tried to take my life several times without anyone knowing, but here i am still.

I never seeked any professional help, the only drugs i taken was marijuana, but stoped doing that years ago..i dont drink alcohol either.

 

I always felt i could accomplish great things in my life, but i think everything started when i was in school, where i was under heavy harassment.

Every day was hell and that probably was the beginning of my depression, after that things went to shit, with my family nearly ending up homeless, every peny i got from working i spent to help them pay their loans, but after a while the depressions were so strong that my health became really bad and i was unable to work.

We ended up going to an old house, that we were using as summer rest, because we were unable to pay bills for our apartment anymore, but as if that wouldnt be enough, our neighbours started to harass us.

Immagine living arround people who are constantly making kill threats towards your parents every day for 10 years.

So i took the role of an agressor, trying to protect my parents, it partially worked, but at the same time it took another toll on my health, since i hate fighting, agression and all that stuff, but because my parents have noone to protect them from these sick people, i cant give up.

Lately though i been thinking about suicide again, im sick of this world, of these people.

 

I hope all of your problems get solved, i hold my fingers for you, dont give up!

[Grivantian]

Hey there everyone.

 

Its night time right now and I actually have to go to bed, because I have to work tomorrow. But for the life of me, I just can't find any sleep.

I've been growing more and more tired over the last few days. I can't really sleep that great anymore. As soon as I shut my eyes, I basically start dreaming. About things I wished I did in my life. About things that I missed as a child. Most of all I keep dreaming and thinking about how I'm going to tell everyone that I'm depressed. What will they probably think of me ? Would they even care ? I often dreamed about running away from everything. Going to a place that would maybe be better for me. Then again I dream about fortifying myself where it is quiet. Where I would be alone, by myself. Where nobody would want something from me or where I wouldn't have to do something.

 

I actually feel worthless. I'm just a weight for everybody. I can't really function like everybody else does. I mean like at all. 

I can't even do the simplest things sometimes. Even if its high time to do something, I can't simply do it.

My family is poor. Money was always the problem. I can't even remember of a time, where we had money.

My parents fucked up pretty bad financially. My mom and I can actually speak of luck, that we found an apartment.

My mom keeps telling me, that I shouldn't fuck up that bad like they did. That it is high time for me to go working and make money. 

But I can't. I try finding a job and I try to do something, but I fucking can't. 

Even now in my job, I wish I never got it. Its very exhausting just going there. I've only been there for a few weeks, but its getting me down. Everytime I go there, the more I don't want to do my job.

Its even hard for me to learn, because I only have a short time of real concentration. I just somehow shut off after an amount of time. Then I just drift off into thoughts and sometimes start to daydream.  Nobody needs someone like me in a job.

 

Just like now its actually high time for me to do something. Take life in my own hands, but I can't. I failed. Again.

I couldn't even finish my drivers license, because I didn't have any money left anymore.

I should of had a job so I could finish it. But I didn't get one, because I couldn't. Most of them think that I'm just to lazy to do anything. But I'm not lazy. I just somehow need more time maybe...

Like I said, I'm just a weight for everybody. Slowing them down with everything they are trying to achieve in life.

Thats why I tried cutting myself off. Sometimes I think, that they would probably be better off without me. 

 

Like right now, I know that I can't make it tomorrow to my job. I try to motivate myself to go there. I'm really trying to get myself out of this shit position I'm in. But I fucking can't ! I know my mom is going to be really pissed at me, that I can't make it over there.

I'm actually really sorry for her, that she has to put up with my shit.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

Hello Dovokeks and everyone!

 

Well, this is not what I expected when I came on here. But when I saw the topic, oh, how I can relate! I have not read 100% of the thread but have read a lot of it and perused the rest.

 

A bit about myself. I've suffered from depression ever since I can remember. Most of you seem to be quite a bit younger. I also keep reading the same things that went around in my head, 'I want it to end.' 'I want the depression to be over.' Like we are all looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't have those thoughts so much anymore but they sometimes pop up. I've learned to quickly dismiss them. I can do better and I never let my guard down.

 

I can also tell you, I've experienced just about everything I've read here. When I first learned I had clinical depression, there was no Internet. People did not talk about it and it was not a topic you discussed. (Mental disorders of any kind, you were crazy and no one understood mental illness. Most of us became social misfits, pariahs that were kept hidden away from 'sane' people.)

 

I did discuss it with my grandmother and my parents. My grandmother was the one who helped me the most. She said she suffered from depression quite a lot. I learned when she was 17 she lost a baby to a heart condition that was, at the time, incurable. The baby only lived three days. She was in a deep depression for many years. This was in the 1926. Nobody knew about such things back then, let alone talk about it. She was a poor farm girl. They had no money. Both psychiatry and psychology were still in there infancy. She had to figure things out for herself. This is was her advice to me:

 

Keep yourself busy. Do anything you can, no matter how simple. Scrub the toilet. Mop the kitchen floor. Do the dishes. Garden. Get as much exercise as you can. For years I thought she was not making any sense. When she died in 1985, I went through a very big depression. I did not even know I was depressed it was so bad. Then I would think of what she told me whenever I felt depressed so I started to do what she told me. It worked better than the pills, better than the therapy, better than the expensive sessions.

 

I still get depressed. But it does not get me down like it once did. I've learned to live with it, but it took time and effort. It also took a lot of courage. And I did get help from others. Talking with someone who cares about you, even if they don't really understand, they at least try to understand and that is helpful.

 

Having a support group like this one, I can tell you, is a huge step in the right direction. Don't keep it inside. Talk to others. And the best people you can talk to are other sufferers of depression. We know what it is like. We get it.

 

I have many different things I've tried over the years. I have learned some of the things that trigger the depression and things I can do to ameliorate the symptoms. Even if I cannot extinguish them entirely, I have learned to deal better with them. And I don't claim to have all the answers. I am still struggling and still learning. It is a lifelong experience.

 

I cannot share all of this with you in one post but I can say this. Do your best to be of help to others. When you help others, really truly be of service to them, it lifts them up and that simple act lifts you up. It is hard to stay depressed when others are telling you how great you are for helping them.

 

I know work can often be a real drag but if you can find the courage to turn the negative into a positive by being of service to others, it will make your life a lot more tolerable and the depression will not feel so oppressive.

 

I also used to feel a lot of the self-loathing and lack of self-worth many of you describe, but helping others and trying to make someone else's day a little better despite how I may feel, always lifts me up. Another thing I do is to read a lot of self-help/self-improvement books. Some of my favorites include "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill, "Psychocybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz, Tony Robbins' great series, "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran and many more.

 

I'm sure quite a few on here were shocked by the untimely death of comedian Robin Williams. Many are still trying to make sense of how someone could be so loving and make some many laugh that he could end his own life. It hit me especially hard because he was only a few weeks older than me. He was 63. Nine days after he died, I turned 63.

 

I can tell you, the older you get, the more death surrounds you. Used to bother me a lot. (I'd be lying if I said it no longer did.) Sometimes I'd think, why are they dead and I'm still alive? (Survivor's guilt) Now I am grateful for every day I wake up. Thankful for the many blessings I have been given. I have given a lot of love and I continue to do so. I receive a lot too. I think that is what keeps me together more than anything. I realized long ago that love is the one thing that we can never really lose. Love truly is eternal.

 

So I am sending love to each and every one of you who is suffering depression and telling you it will get better. The best things in my life happened in the last ten years. Don't sweat the small stuff and don't go it alone. Seek out others to share with. And, by all means, do seek professional advice especially if you are young and still struggling to find yourself. It will work itself out. Just don't give up. Every cloud as a silver lining, as my mother used to tell me. She'd also say, it's always darkest before the dawn. She was a wise woman.

 

Be strong, be courageous. Remember fear is just an acronym. F.E.A.R. = False Expectations Appearing Real

 

[Aria]

Yes, having a goal truly helps, even the smallest things that keep you busy help, anything to forget the depression.

 

Im always trying to tell myself how fortunate i am, there are people who dont have a place to live or nothing to eat, people that die for nothing without anyone remembering them, in a way i should be truly happy and thankfull for what i have.

[Molevalence]

I feel that my depression is taking a bad turn. Last few days I have been sleeping for almost 18 hours a day. When I do wake up I am weak, disoriented, and takes a fair amount of time to get my bearings before I can even start doing basic things around the house. I despise my hometown hospital. Calling it a tent with a red cross on it is far too generous. This hospital is responsible for the death(s) of my mother, grandfather and a small handful of friends. You are better going to a over the counter store than going there. Seniors just get admitted to that place to die. Because of these reasons I will not seek help. I tried in the past and they threw me into a room by myself and treated me like I was disabled. Having no car does not help either not being able to afford one.

 

I researched some things about stages of depression and I wonder what stage I am at now? I went from demoralized and sad to a pale blank mind with no sense of direction and no real emotion. To be honest the last few days I feel like I have been in a large haze but I am still conscious and aware. I just don't care. 

[Dovakeks]

Hey I'm back again.

 

Its my second day staying at home from work. I can't get up. I can't get out of my bed, not even if I'm hungry. I couldn't even talk to my mother about anything, I couldn't even look into her eyes, because I felt ashamed that she raised someone like me. I felt ashamed to be her son, because I couldn't get anything right. I feel like a failure.

Not like my sister, she went to college, studies law, has her own apartment, a boyfriend, a good place to work in her free time. She has her drivers license since we was like 18 years old. Like she can just go out there and do something with her life.

 

And then there is me, some kind of dwarve that can't get his shit together, even if his life depends on it. Someone who can't go to work, someone who was to stupid to learn for school, so he can have better grades. I guess I just never really cared if I would make it in life or not... 

 

Molevalence, I know what you mean. I feel the exact same. I've been standing on the edge for so long, that I actually don't care anymore if I fall.

I also feel like I'm not here, yet I'm still getting whats happening around me. I sometimes can't feel anything. Not happiness, neither sadness.

I don't feel anything. Just emptiness. 

 

I sometimes get scared, that I may not be able to feel the joy of life anymore. That I'll just feel this emptiness forever.

I can't really tell you anything that might help you. You probably know more then I do.

 

I just can tell you, that even though I feel like shit everyday, I never gave up. I know that someday, I will perish. But its not this day. I'm not really one to give up easily. I know that I'll stand my ground, even it would mean the end of me. I know this is gonna sound really dumb, but I often try to find myself in fictional characters. Doesn't matter if the character is from a comic, a video game or a movie series.

In my case, I really like superman. I kinda want to be like superman. I don't mean with superpowers and stuff, I mean like you know doing some good things for other people. Standing for hope. Giving other people hope again, eventhough you don't have any for yourself.

I don't mean like you have to go out there and help people, I mean more on a family and friends level. Just being there for them.

 

Well yeah thats not really advice for you, I'm sorry. I just thought you might know what I'm trying to say. 

I'm really thankful for your story. I would also like to hear more. I'm actually very thankful for every story that gets posted here. I read very single one of them. Even if it is a wall on text. I read the fuck out of it. 

 

Well anyway don't give up. Life has something better for you in store, even if it doesn't look that way. 

[Aria]

Yeah the feeling of emptyness, sometimes i just dont care about anything anymore, like an empty husk.

Lately though, i been having problems to stay awake, as soon as i get up, a hour after i become really tired, unable to keep my eyes open, i cant conentrate on anything and the only thing i can do is sleep, yet when i wake up im even more tired.

 

Even that wouldnt so bad but the problems with concentration are killing me, its like someone talks to me, i know what they talk about, i hear them but shortly after i forget everything, sigh.

 

 

[xartom]

For me meds and therapy have helped out a lot, it's not perfect but at least I'm functional. Psych's been trying to get me to exercise and eat better since it supposedly will help even more (I doubt it but I'm too lazy... Nooo moving. Nooo) 

 

Depressed states for me caused brain fog, being on meds is cool since I no longer think like I'm a Malkavian from vtmb and it's way easier to speak with people instead of freeze up and try to find out which of my thoughts makes the most sense to share.

[RunicGray]

Psych's been trying to get me to exercise and eat better since it supposedly will help even more (I doubt it but I'm too lazy... Nooo moving. Nooo) 

 

Exercise is cited often as a way of relieving stress and releasing endorphins, which is difficult for people who don't enjoy exercise to really get. I mean, if you don't like doing it, it won't help, right? You'd be surprised. I need to get in the habit of it more, to be honest. What I've tried and worked well was doing something else, like watching TV, while I do it. For example, I got a recumbent bike (the sit-back ones), sit it infront of the TV and watch a show that's interesting but I've decided to ONLY watch during exercise. That way, it's incentive to exercise (in order to watch the show) and it helps time your session by the episode lengths. I found at the end of the episode I wanted to keep going on the bike so I could see another one - alas, I had to stop as I knew dinner was almost done.

 

I just had my last session in CBT yesterday, and we spoke a little bit about calming techniques since I'd experience a left-field anxiety attack earlier in the week (I still don't know why it happened - infuriating). One of the methods mentioned was to do some exercise. So I'd give it a go. I know it sucks if you don't enjoy exercise - I've made every excuse in the book (some of them are legit, I swear!), so I had to find a way of doing it without thinking constantly about how little I enjoy it. Personally, I enjoy swimming - and that's about it. Unfortunately, I don't have much opportunity to do that.

 

You don't have to do anything intensive like running or massive weight-lifting. Just little things - a brisk walk, a leisurely bike-ride (real or exercise), swimming if you have the opportunity, lifting a set of small weights, etc. If you do something light, do it for about half an hour to start and maybe do something else so you're not thinking about the exercise. Going for a walk? Maybe listen to an audiobook as you go. Exercise at home? Catch up on some TV. Just do something that puts your mind off the fact that you ARE exercising, so that you're not thinking about it.

[Dovakeks]

Hey there Loverslab Community.

 

Its the beginning of the next week. I have to go to work tomorrow and yes I'm actually going tomorrow and the whole week.

 

I actually just wanted to ask something. 

Is it normal that you just don't feel anything anymore ? I mean somehow that you just don't care anymore.

You don't care anymore if you get fired from work. You don't care anymore what is going to happen, that your life just passes by.

You don't care if you.. just pass away. You know ? 

Drift away from Life. Just letting go, because you can't hold on anymore.

Is that normal ?..

 

I don't mean killing yourself. I mean that you just don't care if you don't make it in Life anymore.

 

Its odd actually if you come to think of it.

On the other hand you actually don't want to feel that way. I'm just so confused with my own thoughts.

[Ailsa]

I know the void of not caring all too well.  It does pass after a time - sometimes because you see or hear something that stops you and makes you blink.  Then you are suddenly surrounded by colour and noise that you had been totally unaware of for some time.  For me the last time was hearing a song I hadn't heard for nearly 30 years that brought memories of my father's love and faith in me rushing back.  It was shortly after that time that I was diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome on top of my depression.  Somehow having that diagnosis helped me to start fighting back to life.

 

I sincerely hope that you can find someone to give you the help you so richly deserve Dovahkeks.

[Molevalence]

There came a time in my life where I felt this way every day. Also to a point where I didn't even care for my own well being. It's still present in my life but it's not to the point of suicide. I am not going to go out and seek death but most days I do welcome it.

 

Confused with your own thoughts? Maybe you are having a crisis of conscience. It happens to me on occasion. Every now and then I have to stop and evaluate myself as a person in all personal states to verify if my morals and values are worth having. It can vary depending on how I feel at the time or what life is throwing at me.

 

As for your question about feeling, I have felt that way since I was about 13. I am not saying I am a drone and have no sense of passion, pity, remorse, and so on. I think you feel like a hallow shell when it comes to life. In a constant emotional haze where your mind is constantly thinking and brooding about anything and everything. If you did not care 100% you would just let go but you are still here and that's a good thing.

 

I try to take it a day at a time. Since I don't care about my own personal well being or what happens to me I tend to hold on for the people that care about me. I may not love myself but for some reason they do. So hey, I must be doing something right and if that keeps me going, why not?

Hey there Loverslab Community.

 

Its the beginning of the next week. I have to go to work tomorrow and yes I'm actually going tomorrow and the whole week.

 

I actually just wanted to ask something. 

Is it normal that you just don't feel anything anymore ? I mean somehow that you just don't care anymore.

You don't care anymore if you get fired from work. You don't care anymore what is going to happen, that your life just passes by.

You don't care if you.. just pass away. You know ? 

Drift away from Life. Just letting go, because you can't hold on anymore.

Is that normal ?..

 

I don't mean killing yourself. I mean that you just don't care if you don't make it in Life anymore.

 

Its odd actually if you come to think of it.

On the other hand you actually don't want to feel that way. I'm just so confused with my own thoughts.

 

[shirow]

Hi, I've been lurking this thread, hesitate to talk but today I need.

 

Well I'm not sure I am in depression (well actually it seems too...) but today I did crack. I didn't go to university today, I couldn't, I feel like shit actually ( also most of the time ). I've lost my self-estime since I am 13 I guess. I almost don't care about failing (If I do it would be for my parents...) and can't see a better tomorrow. I just let things go and sometimes I do crack like today. Well as I said in another post I never had a girlfriend, I don't care about the fact but I feel lonely and well this is not helping to get better. My father don't understand me and prefer yell than trying to understand, and my mother is being nice but do not understand either.

 

Well 2 years ago I've been followed by a Child psychiatrist ( he was taking care of <18 years old) and did give me anti depressant, exercize to do to socialize. Well I had 3 different treatment without good result. The fact is I do have still some difficulties to make friends even I did make few friends at the start of this school year. The only person that I can talk about this is my younger sister (she is 18). I'm not followed anymore and well let things go. I do not enjoy a lot of things in life actually but still few things.

 

The fact is I do have an older brother who success in his studies and did get a master degree, my parents are proud of him of course and me?

I did have my high school diploma this year (I did 5 years in high school instead of 3 ). I do hear sometimes my dad telling that I'll become nothing and that hurt me a lot. I did some efforts to get my diploma to make him a bit proud of me. Well he doesn't since really, I did get my diploma, he was happy for day at least and did still asking me more just after. My brother did work this summer and my father wanted me also and did call me like I was lazy (I did work last year but he already forget this). I know he wants my good, he wants me to become someone but he does expect me to be as good as my brother and this is struggling me...

 

I don't tend to kill myself at all, but well I can't stay this way forever and like today. I'm going to get fired from my university if I do stay like this.

[Quisling]

Hey there Loverslab Community.

 

Its the beginning of the next week. I have to go to work tomorrow and yes I'm actually going tomorrow and the whole week.

 

I actually just wanted to ask something. 

Is it normal that you just don't feel anything anymore ? I mean somehow that you just don't care anymore.

You don't care anymore if you get fired from work. You don't care anymore what is going to happen, that your life just passes by.

You don't care if you.. just pass away. You know ? 

Drift away from Life. Just letting go, because you can't hold on anymore.

Is that normal ?..

 

I don't mean killing yourself. I mean that you just don't care if you don't make it in Life anymore.

 

Its odd actually if you come to think of it.

On the other hand you actually don't want to feel that way. I'm just so confused with my own thoughts.

 

I don't have depression, but what you're saying is very like how Allie Brosh described hers:

 

The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief.  I had always wanted to not give a fuck about anything. I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore.

 

But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different.

 

It's a strange moment when you realize that you don't want to be alive anymore. If I had feelings, I'm sure I would have felt surprised. I have spent the vast majority of my life actively attempting to survive. Ever since my most distant single-celled ancestor squiggled into existence, there has been an unbroken chain of things that wanted to stick around.

 

Yet there I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise.

 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

[Dovakeks]

Hey there shirow.

 

I can somehow relate to you. My older sister did achieve already alot more then me. My parents are proud of her I guess. I wish they would be proud of me too, but I don't really know why they should be.. I did nothing what you could be proud of.

It somehow depresses me that like everybody I know can just go out there and do something with their life. Everybody is going out there getting degrees, studying of kind of stuff, or doing some kind of an apprenticeship . But not me. No, I'm just sitting here and being sad/depressed most of the time.

 

I quit my job last week. I went there for 2 whole weeks, and now I've already stopped. I stopped, because I couldn't get up anymore and go to work. It took all of my energy that I had in those 2 weeks. Pretty pathetic, right ? 

 

I feel like a failure. I feel like one, because I know that I am one.

 

But you know, I'm not giving up. I'm not letting myself down.

Neither should you.

 

I don't know if you have depression or not. Only you can know that. If medication didn't work, maybe something else will. Have you tried to get into a therapy group, with people that have depression too ? I don't know if that might help you, or you may try medication again. 

Just please don't give up.

 

Maybe you just need more time. You shouldn't feel worried about your parents. Even if they don't understand you, they still love you. They are your parents. 

It may be hard for you to believe what I tell you. It may even be hard enough for you just to get out of bed. I'm not telling you what you should do, I'm just trying to give you advice. I'm probably not even good at that.

 

Go out there to your university. Get help again for your depression. Keep yourself busy. 

You don't have to accomplish everything at once. Do one thing at a time. Take your time doing things. Do them at your own pace.

 

All I can do for you now, is to wish you the best in life.