Depression

[Coopervane]

Let's get something very clear here guys: Depression is not just one definable thing, it is an umbrella term that covers a wide range of disorders, ranging from the very mild ones that usually last just a few days, to very serious and life-threatning disorders that claim thousands of lives every single year (and that's not hyperbole, severe Major Depression has a lower survival rate than most forms of Cancer, it is deadly).

 

And this, ladies and gents, is precisely why when the issue of Depression is raised online, the one and only advice you should be handing out is "Go see a Doctor!", because you are almost ceratinly not qualified to diagnose if it's a mild or a terminal case, or how it should be treated.

 

 

But to give you all a better understanding of the issue, Depression can be broken down into two main catagories (it can and is broken into even more, with off-shoots like Bipolar-disorder and several others, but lets keep this simple and deal with the main two): Minor and Major.

 

 

Minor Depression is as common as grass. Every single one of us either already has, or will experiance one at some point in our life. Most of us will experiance it several times in our lifetime infact.

Minor Depression is a perfectly natural reaction to times of accute stress or loss, most people will experiance it in connection with a death in the family, or when going through a rough and turbulent patch in their lives.

Minor Depression is almost harmless, it goes away on it's own and rarely if ever requires any treatment (treatment can be very benificial in shortening the eppisode, but it does go away on it's own). It can last as little as a single day, or upwards of six months, and feels like a loss of energy and concentration, often a loss of apetite aswell, coupled with a crushing sense of sadness.

 

 

Major Depression is an often chronic and absolutely life-threatning disorder that only affects a minority of people. It does not go away on it's own and there is no know cure. Symptoms can be held at bay through the right treatment, even cured for periods of time, but it usually returns and will require more treatment when it does.

Major Depression is not affected by external events, unlike the Minor variant which is a reaction to falling on hard times, people who suffer Major Depression can have eppisodes at any given time, including when they are having the best time of their life.

Major Depression does not generally feel like sadness or distress, rather it is marked by apathy. Sufferes feel emotionally and physically drained, to the point of becoming incapable of feeling normal emotions. Infact the disorder sometimes gets misdiagnosed as Sociopathy, as sufferers of Major Depression can seem just as detached and apathetic twords their own and the lives of others as a Sociopath is (but for very different reasons).

At the worst, when the disoder starts to become life-threatning, suffers will experiance micro-psychosis, and become incapable of accurately interpriting the world and people around them, all they experiance is passed through a negative-filter, which makes them interprit every action and event as hostile twords them, and suicidal thought patterns become more aggressive and harder to ignore.

 

 

 

^^^One of those things is not like the other^^^

 

Most people have only, and will only experiance Minor Depression, but sadly, they come to think that this is all that "Depression" is, because nobody has taught them otherwise.

You then get situations where a person, who seems to suffer symptoms of Major Depression, gets told "good advice" by people who have only suffered the Minor kind. The advice is well intended, it's also often good advice for dealing with a Minor case, but.... for a Major case, this advice can be as deadly as pointing a loaded .357 Magnum at their face and pulling the trigger...

 

What helps a Minor Depression does not help a Major one, so when people do have the Major variety and gets told to go hit the Gym and get drunk with freinds instead of getting proper professional help, then that can turn deadly.

[...0...]

 

 

Specially when you say your girl friend is your shunshine, your bad if you you don't take that positive and get rid of the negative take advantage of this sunshine girl situation and enjoy.

 

Wow Evasia, bravo, telling him to "take advantage of this sunshine of a girlfriend" when he just said he broke up with her. Maybe on a sensible subject like this you could as well refrain from talking if you have difficulties with english, I am not sure you are helping right now. 

 

 

And dude, we've been telling you to go and see a doctor, you didn't say anything about this so I'm just going to assume you didn't. I'm sorry I have to repeat this again, but while this place is a good one to share your story and find empathetic ears, we are not professional shrinks. You should really consult, and I understand the reason you wouldn't want to, looking at how people "look up to you", but you should try anyway, just do it in secret, just try to talk to one on the phone, there are free hotlines for this kind of problems with people who know what they are doing on the other side of the line. Your depression is not just some kind of temporary state of mind who'll go away with some "sunshine" (holy mother of all morons, Evasia I want to slap you...), you need medical attention since it's really a disease. Just get treated for it like you would for a bad wound dude, or let it get infected, your move. 

 

 

I replyed to his first command when he open this topic, so about broke up with his girlfriend, i did not know, im sorry for that.

I already also make it very clear its not something easy to dismiss if your english is bad sorry, read more carefully then.

 

Ive seen others repleys of you it's your way or no way eather we have to take your truth or get lost or you gonne kick some ass wow are you for real???

 

If you don't understand what i am saying you better ignore then.

 

My english is indeed not best but its internet and i just tell what i think is right if it's maybe the truth or bit to harsh people should then not openly express such delicate matters like this on some porn forum, something you don't solve easly on porn gamesite.

 

And for poor country or wars deases i mentioned  if some of you don't understand what im saying here,  then you should not even reply it;s no use try understand it if you can't. Ever here of breake then build?

 

I guesse not.

 

I realy hope he solve his problem as i already said in my first reply but some seems they cannot read.

 

Good luck OP hope you solve this and live happely and i mean this all tho some think i do not.

 

Love and peace even to those who want war.

 

 

[Dovakeks]

Please don't fight. Every post is very welcoming for me. I like every one of you, just because of the fact, that you took time to read this.

 

Coppervane, to answer your question, I feel like 1 and 2 on your list. Like my feelings are just in chaos. I have no sense of direction anymore, I can't even think straight. Everything is just so over flowing with my depression.

 

I tried doing things, that used to make me happy. Even it was just playing Skyrim the whole day. I just somehow can't find that happiness anymore. Not now, maybe later again. I just didn't find anything that makes me happy anymore.

 

I tried talking to a doctor, I really fucking tried. Later I then tried calling a hotline service, I just couldn't press the damn call button. 

 

You know, I had depression in a very early age. I was 11 years old, when I was separated from my parents. I lived for 2 years with my grandparents, who really didn't like me that much. I often talked back and shouted, because I didn't want to do things how they wanted. They took away my only thing I had from my parents. My gameboy. Even it was just a gameboy, you know it was all I had from them. It meant everything for me. They brought me to school, even though I almost couldn't speak any german back then. I didn't have any friends, because I was just so "different" . I had long blond hair as a boy. I actually looked like a girl.

Every day I cried myself to sleep. I hoped every single damn day, that my mom and dad would show up... But they didn't. 
I often was just pushed aside, when my grandparents went on vacation. So I had to stay with my aunt and my cousins.
My younger cousin loved to make me feel like shit. She often mocked me, treated me like shit. She told me that I was worthless and other stuff...

I never said anything, because I was just to afraid.

 

2 years later my parents came over to germany. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel sad. I just felt empty inside.

I didn't feel loved anymore. I know that is stupid, they are my parents. They always love me. I just guess that is where my depression started. 

 

To make it short, it started out as sadness, and developed to depression. I tried to kill myself with when I was 16 years old. I tried to hang myself in the woods, I somehow couldn't get it together. I often got betrayed when I tried starting a relationship. All this increased the development of my depression. 

 

My girlfriend was like the first person in very long time, that just accepted me as I am. Thats why she's still my sun shine in my life.

All I ever wanted was, that someone would hug me and tell that everything will be okay.  Nobody ever did though. 

 

I'm just so scared being alone.

 

Sorry for this long post.

[Redflyingmonkey]

 

I tried talking to a doctor, I really fucking tried. Later I then tried calling a hotline service, I just couldn't press the damn call button. 

 

 

You took a first step there, well done. What happened when you went to see him ? 

[Dovakeks]

Nothing happened. I only tried to go to him, but I never did. I somehow lost hope, that someone could help me. I know it's really stupid: wanting help, but then somehow don't believe that you can be helped anymore. 

[Redflyingmonkey]

He's certainly the only person who can help you too, if that can motivate you. You may be the one stopping yourself from getting the help you want, ponder on this for a while until you realize how illogical it looks, maybe at that point that will give you the drive to stop this illogical situation. Seriously, you are going through way enough shit right now without adding your own will to your problems, help you help you man, help you help you. 

[Dovakeks]

I guess you are right. I really would like to get healthy again. I just somehow get like " depression moments" where I get really depressed and can't get on. I just hope it doesn't come again, when I decide to go to the doctor.

[Coopervane]

Nothing happened. I only tried to go to him, but I never did. I somehow lost hope, that someone could help me. I know it's really stupid: wanting help, but then somehow don't believe that you can be helped anymore. 

 

That's not stupid, that's just how Depression works.

 

A severe Depression does not just put you in a bad mood, it alters the very way you think, feel and percive the world and people around you. It's poisoning your mind and turning it against you.

 

Don't trust your feelings, don't trust your instincts, those are tainted waters now and will do you no good, they will urge to selfdestruct. You need to put your trust in Logic right now.

 

 

Your feelings might dissuade you from ringing up the doctor, they will tell you that it's pointless, and that you don't deserve it anyway.

 

But what does logic say about it? Logic dictates that no harm can come from trying it, quite the opposite. The worst that could happen is that it ends up not working, but then you've lost nothing, you're just back where you started and no worse off. On the flipside, you have everything to gain if it does help, don't you?

 

 

Give it a try, use logic as a weapon.

[ratrace]

Coopervane, thanks for your postings on that serious matter. Especially the "logic as a weapon" part always helped me a lot.

[Angrybird]

Lift some weights.

[Guest endgameaddiction]

People keep mentioning to seek professional help, and yes it's understandable, but you have to keep in mind about depressive people who keep things to themselves. I know because I was exactly the same way in many ways as Dovakeks. It's not going to happen. When someone is depressive they are super stubborn. They will find any excuse. Because it's a lot easier to runaway from your problems than confront them. I mean if you can't talk to your family or your best friend about this, what makes you think he'll walk into some office and open himself up to some stranger? He needs someone he can trust. Someone he feels comfortable with to open up.

 

He has already taken the first and foremost step, which is admitting it. This right here already has proven he has strength within him he didn't know. It takes courage to come out and admit you have a problem. Many here know this. What he needs is enthusiasm. He needs to build his confidence and boost up his self-esteem. Any by that he needs us to enlighten him and guide him down that road. Perhaps when he's confident enough, he can confront his problems and seek professional help. Or even open up to his family. But right now, it's all fear. Fear of being denied. Fear of being rejected. Because that's how someone who is down depressed feels. Like no one cares. The world doesn't matter. The thought of being rejected once again.

 

The second important step is that he's found people he can trust. When you are a depressive person you tend to lose trust for people. Here he's managed to build trust with us and he's very grateful for all the advice given. He's grateful because he knows that we relate to his depression and that he's not alone. So now he doesn't feel all that alone anymore.

 

When you are depressed you tend to push people away from you. It doesn't mean you hate them, you just can't bare the thought of them seeing this side of you. Again it's easier to hide it then show it. I hid my depression for over 10 years. I did regret hiding it in my youth age and I wish I would of seeked professional help. At the same time I was very very stubborn and I would of found ways to come up with any excuse not to go. It's because of fear. And because of rejection. The mind can betray you and twist your thoughts.

 

He needs to find something that makes him happy. Something that is going to trigger inside and realize that there is a way to escape from this and make it to the other side.

[GrimReaper]

There is more to depression than what you might have experienced. Giving advice based on what you experienced might not always be the best idea. Not trying to offend, but depression rewires your brain in a way that is not beneficial. And he told us he was like this since he was a little boy so there might be something wrong on a more basic level. Something that he was born with, not something he acquired over the course of his life. Internal reasons, not external ones. We have no way to know so he should go see someone who really knows about all this, nahmean?

[RunicGray]

People keep mentioning to seek professional help, and yes it's understandable, but you have to keep in mind about depressive people who keep things to themselves. I know because I was exactly the same way in many ways as Dovakeks. It's not going to happen. When someone is depressive they are super stubborn. They will find any excuse. Because it's a lot easier to runaway from your problems than confront them. I mean if you can't talk to your family or your best friend about this, what makes you think he'll walk into some office and open himself up to some stranger? He needs someone he can trust. Someone he feels comfortable with to open up.

 

 

The point is that that "complete stranger" is equipped to help you. You won't offend them by spilling your heart out about how you feel about so-and-so in your life. They will understand your frustrations and anxieties without bias. Their profession, their purpose really, is to help people with these exact problems. And never underestimate the ear of an impartial party - it will feel awkward sharing your life with them at first, but you'll realise that it quickly unburdens you, especially because you're not subconsciously filtering yourself to spare anyone's feelings or impressions. You'd be surprised how close you think you are to a loved one and yet how much you filter yourself when sharing with them - and how damn exhausting it can be to do so.

 

There are a small percentage of people that can overcome depression on their own, or without some sort of professional aid, I imagine. I'll tell you I've never met one though. It takes an incredibly powerful will and an overruling, unnerving logic to overcome the thoughts and emotions depression puts you through. The majority of people that have depression do not have that state of will or logic - what they have is just enough will to want to change and just enough logic to tell themselves "no more excuses, I have to do this, even if it's scary." As Coopervane said, just enough to use logic as a weapon. And that's all they need to make the push and find someone who can help them the rest of the way.

 

And as GrimReaper said, all of our advice is anecdotal. We all experience depression a bit differently - there is some overlap, sure, but none of us can diagnose each other on what's best. The only thing anyone recovering from depression will agree on - professional help is worth it. We can only hope that sharing our experiences will lend him the strength to do what he needs to, so he can feel better and get things back on a track he likes.

[Coopervane]

For the record, i did read your personal story Dovakeks. We've all been forced down a different path in life, especially when we were not yet old enough to make our own, but whilst our pathes may not have been identical, there is more than plenty in that story that will resonate strongly with anyone who suffers major and chronic depression.

 

 

Point is that you're not alone, infact i'm going through a bad eppisode right now myself. As i write this, i've not had a bite to eat for the last 5 days, and i have no plans of eating anything soon. To eat would be making a deliberate choice to continue living, and that is a choice that i am not prepared to make right now. Yeah, i am full-on suicidal right now, and it's certainly not the first time.

 

It's ironic how easilly we can aid others, and yet, we can't seem do the same for ourselves..

 

 

Trust me, i know how hard it is, anyone who's been to the deep end of the depression pool knows it, and none of us will judge you for stumbling and falling before the finish-line. We've all been there ourselves. But we will urge you to keep trying and fighting, to reach out for that help, because we all know what the price of failure is in this game.

 

 

Stay safe and keep fighting.

[Chaos63]

All these walls of text are nice and well, but I suggest you give yourself a kick in the balls and keep moving.

[FullBlackHabit]

One thing I can say that really helped me was swimming.
In the water you can just forget about everything, It is really good for you mentally and physically.

I recently just overcame my irrational fear of deep water after pushing out of nearly 4 years of depression. 10 years of not being able to go to a public baths. 
Swimming was one thing I was really good at and after 10 years of not doing it, feels really good to be doing something I know I'm great at. 

Personally doctors never did anything for me but prescribe meds and send me to a bogus doctor who didn't give two shits, but maybe that'd just my experience.
You should see someone and get a prescription right away if you're having suicidal thoughts.
Anti-depressant's make you feel worse for the first few weeks but eventually even your mood out so you can think rationally.

Hang on to every good person around you, every good thing that happens and feelings (even if they seem insignificant).
Take as much time as you need to work it out. 
Let people in as much as you can, if someone tries to reach out try not to shy away from it.
It's about getting out of your comfort zone and changing the constants that are making you feel this way. 

Anyone tries to fuck up your day, you go right ahead and shit on theirs. 

[Dovakeks]

Hey there everybody.

 

Thank you again for all your posts and experience and advice that you have given to me. It means alot to me. No, actually it means everything for me. 

 

I have been spending the last few weeks crying of agony. I couldn't do anything besides lie in bed the whole day. I still can't eat or sleep properly. I've wanted to die actually. I didn't want to suffer this anymore. 

I can't explain what happened a few days ago. Like something inside me told me that I shouldn't give up or give in. I can't give up, because there are other people who depend on me and need me. I had that same feeling inside when I wanted to kill myself with 16 years. 

So I stopped whining and got up.

 

I somehow got that feeling like it doesn't even matter. That I can choose to either doing nothing or do something with my life, because at the end I will die anyway. I figured that I don't have to be happy anymore to live on. I tried, and tried again to be happy, but there was always something that just fucked everything up. You know I'm probably only saying this, because I always feel like this after my depressions got really bad. I somehow always could get myself out of that depression hole. Even if it was just enough to get a breather.

 

I can't really live for myself anymore. I need someone who I can hold on. Someone I can live for.

The more and more I'm writing about this, the more I find it stupid what I am writing.

 

I'm thankful for everybody who is trying to help me. You are all good guys and girls. I don't even know anyone of you, but you all try to help me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's a great deal to me.

 

I've been trying to do things now to counter my depressions. I started working out again. I got 2 jobs now, so that should keep me a little busy.

I found my love for gaming again.

 

P.S. : To Coopervane: I don't know what you are going through, I can't even imagine what you are experiencing. It probably doesn't even mean much coming from me, but please eat something. Please ? I don't want to see you die. If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me if you want. I want you to get better. 

[Ailsa]

Congratulations on getting up, congratulations on the jobs and the working out.  Those are huge steps and I am proud to have met you here.  

 

I am allergic to medication and it has taken me nearly 8 years to get to a state of mind that I can post on forums at all.  You are a good person and you can make it.  *offers hugs*

[Coopervane]

Don't worry about me, i've been dealing with this since i was 8 and i'm still standing. I hit a hole, things look really bad for a couple of weeks, but something keeps me going and gets me to dig myself out of there eventually. I've been riding this rollercoaster since what.. 1989? And i'm on the other side of the hole now (i was very much in the center of it when i last wrote).

 

 

However: Do not try to live for someone else, this is destined to end in tears, and not just for yourself, but for the people you care about. It puts a burden on them that will eventually cause them to push you away, nomatter how much they might care or love you, nobody can handle that kind of preassure for long. It's not fair to them and it won't help you, so don't.

 

Taking responsibillity is good, realizing that your life and what you do would impact those who care about you, and that's something to hold on to. But do not allow your identity and fate to get defined by someone else, as this will hurt both them and yourself in the long run.

 

 

No, you need to find something in yourself to hold on to, you seem to be a nice guy who cares about other people, so why not start there? That is a really good and sadly rare quality in a person, and it is something you both can and should take pride in and protect.

[Dovakeks]

Thank you Ailsa. Thats means alot to me. I'll just give you a virtual hug.

 

Well ok Coopervane. Just hope that your rollercoaster stops one day and you can finally get out.

 

I know it's not a good idea to live for someone else. I just really can't find a reason to live for myself right now, but I have to go on. I have to be here for other people. Even now my ex-girlfriend and I are still best friends like we were before. I want to save her and prevent more harm done to her. You understand what I am trying to say ? I want to be there for her and my friends, because nobody was there for me. I don't want that they have to suffer the same as I did.

 

You know, I don't even know if I am that good of a guy. I often don't know what is right or wrong. I get.. "weird" thoughts sometimes.

 

I could try to start there, but you know I have lots of issues. Maybe some of those came with the depression, I don't know.

It's just like, I'm the kind of guy that everybody is ok having around, but at the same time nobody really wants to do something with me.

Maybe it's because I'm not that pretty, maybe it's because I daydream often. Maybe it's because I'm not like everybody else, or how we are supposed to be.

I was always left alone or always picked last for everything, because I can't do shit. I have no talent in anything, and I'm not very good at anything either. It may not seem that bad, but like I felt like that since I was a small boy. Nobody wanted me, because I am just trash.

 

I could also possibly just feel like this, because I'm constantly depressed. I have no idea.

[Dovakeks]

Hey It is me again. Been awhile since I posted. 

Like a few things happened since last time I wrote here. I just start out with a little story.

 

So I have this good friend of mine that likes to throw parties. Sometimes the parties don't end well. He starts fighting with his girlfriend. It often got really bad, that he got a bloody nose from her. One time I then went on a walk with his girlfriend so they would just be apart for while and cool off. That was the night I found out that she has depression just like me. I told her that I have that too. She told me that she often thought about suicide and tried to kill herself once. I told her that I tried to do it too. After awhile we promised to each other that we wouldn't try to harm ourselves. That we would be there for each other if one of us couldn't take it anymore. 

Later that night she and her boyfriend were ok then. They apologized to each other and everything was ok. 

 

A few days back when my friend had one of his parties again, I somehow was sad. I didn't want to be sad, I just somehow felt alone under all those people. I ended up staying in the kitchen by myself and just sat there. Thats when his girlfriend came in. She somehow just knew that something wasn't alright with me. She then took my hand and lead me to my friends room. Then when we talked, and I told her that I just feel lost. I don't know what the fuck I am doing most of the time. That I just somehow didn't see any purpose in life anymore. She hugged me for a really long time and told me that she often feels the same. I shouldn't be afraid, she would be there to hold me up.

She told me that she needed me, because I was the only person who could really understand her and that she didn't want to lose me.

We then talked for another 30 minutes or so. She then gave me a kiss on the cheek and said that I'm never alone. She would always be there for me.

 

 

It 7:20 am now and I'm just laying around thinking about her and the words she told me.

Everytime I'm feeling depressed, like now, I just think about her. It somehow sets my mind at ease and reminds me that I do have a purpose in life. That there is someone who really needs me. 

You know, in the end sometimes I think that all I actually needed was a friend who could understand me. 

 

I still want to get professional help so I can live a more normal life. I've been feeling better since I talked to my friends girlfriend.

 

I don't really know if anyone is going to read this anyway. I just wanted to say, that you guys helped me alot. You were the first step for this. 

I will try to keep this updated for those who still want to know whats going on.

Sorry for this long ass post.

 

Wish you a beautiful day.

[Ailsa]

*hugs*  

 

I do hope that you find good professional help soon.  It does help when you finally realise that you are not alone in this battle, that there are so many of us who struggle to get out of bed too.  I am delighted that you have found a friend you can talk too.  You are in my thoughts and wishes every day.

[Hitom]

Don't kill yourself bro. However sad, boring and meaningless life seem, if you keep on going, you are bound to run into interesting things either way.

[cherrygalaxy]

Don't do what I did, and try to deal with it yourself.  It took my until my mid-30's to finally go get professional help.  Until then, my life was basically on-hold.  Since then, I have traveled around the world, got married to a wonderful woman and we now have a 1 yo daughter.

I wish I could have been enjoying life for all those years, instead of waiting so long.

Make a plan on how you are going to get professional help, set an appointment, and keep it!

 

You don't have to see a therapist to get started.  You can just go see a general practitioner.  If you still live with your parents, feel free to lie to them about why you are going, just make sure you tell the doctor the truth.  You are over 18, and he has to keep what you say confidential.  You can even lie to the person at the appointment desk, and only tell the doctor the truth.  Whatever it takes to get you in there.

 

I will tell you that I did not have a good experience with the first meds I took.  It made me feel worse.  So, I went back and got some different ones, and it's been great ever since.  So, give it a couple weeks, but don't be afraid to go back and complain.

[Molevalence]

I have read this entire forum and I feel I should say something to Dovakeks then explain a little bit about myself.

 

Dovakeks, you are a strong man to speak up. Especially on the internet. It's infested with trolls, immature, rude, arrogant, menacing people who like to pray on people for the sake of self enjoyment or just as a way to cope with their own real life difficulties. It's like walking out into a minefield blindfolded. You did it anyways and so far have dodged all the mines. Your posts of recovery are admirable and the advice people have given you/us will go long ways. Keep up the work. It will get better.

 

(I really need to practice what I preach...) 

 

I have been a member on this website for over a year now and I feel like I should speak. In my time here people have been very nice, mature and most of all quite informative and resourceful helping others they will probably never meet in person. I am walking out into the mine field now I will be honest,

 

If any of you who read this have read any of my posts or topics, you can have a large assumption that I am quite socially awkward. Depression has a lot to do with this and everyone's case can be different in small ways or very different ways. I have researched a lot about depression in the past few years but I still claim to know nothing. As far as I know through experience I have a lot of social anxiety, lack of self worth, self esteem, self hate, and even can go as far as self loathing. I will explain further below. I stumbled upon a "journal;" I wrote 4 years ago explaining my life to my earliest memory as a child all the way up to the modern day at the time. To put it blunt, it was not a happy story. I have tried opening up to people but a great part of me fears what others will think of me if I reveal myself in any way. My brother and friends know I have depression in small cases but they will probably never know how deep the rabbit hole goes.

 

Social Anxiety: I am socially awkward and I know this. Most days I do not want to speak with anyone and will even isolate myself for days. Worst case was 11 days of self isolation where I only left my room to bathe and use the restroom. I hate large groups of people so I refuse to go to bars, social gatherings and events. My brother and some friends always try to include me in their events and I know they mean well so I reluctantly go. I feel though I ruin their time because they think I should be enjoying myself where I would rather be home. Because of my social awkwardness most days I wish I was mute so I could avoid socialization all together. A part of me wonders why I have not become mute due to these factors.

 

Self-Esteem/Confidence: I find these two can go together. Both are nearly non-existent to me. Growing up I was picked on throughout my entire school career and it was relentless. All forms of bullying I experienced and I feel it left my scarred when I entered adulthood. Because of this the last person on my mind is myself. I don't take myself into account for anything. I'd give my shirt off my back to help someone else and not even care about what happens to me in the process. I came up with a theory that I repeat to myself every day and in a way it keeps me going. "If I am a lightning rod for negativity. If I feel miserable maybe others around me will not have to." I even remember going to the guidance councilor at my high school due to self reckless behavior where she asked me "What do you want to pursue in life?" In which I replied "To matter." A part of me hates society as a whole yet another part on me longs to be accepted. I want to matter but my low self self value/esteem/worth makes me feel like no matter what I do I won't. So I am on a endless race to help others hoping that one day I might be accepted. Some nights when I go to sleep I think about where I would be like if I were someone else, somewhere else, a different gender or age?

 

Self Hate: This part is very complicated but to me is the most dangerous because this has lead to physical cases. I know I am a good person. With all my faults I know for a fact that I am a good person yet I hate myself both physically and mentally regardless. Some days I have a crisis of conscience where I question the fact of why I am here, what am I doing, why do I hate myself so much and why can't I be truly happy? Brooding thoughts are in constant motion and these have led to some cases of self deprivation. I hate my physical form so much when I feel I am overweight I will not eat for days on end. Longest was 9 days straight. I wont physically hurt myself but I will neglect my needs such as social, dietary, and sexual needs. I am 27 years old and still a virgin. I do this by choice but I know there is more to this. Stated above I have piratically no sense of self worth. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else and this is the brick wall that keeps me from going out to find someone. I know if I tried I could find someone but I just simply do not care. This probably has a lot to do with my aggression due to sexual frustration. I have been repressing sexual desires since the end of puberty. I also feel I don't deserved to be loved ever since my mother passed away last year. She understood me and now that she is gone I feel isolated and alone. I feel after she passed is where my depression took a massive dive. Some days I will sleep for more than 16 hours and other times I will stay awake for days on end.

 

I have felt this way for more than 15 years. Suicide has crossed my mind and the only thing that keeps me going is what little family I have left. My brother for one and my mother before she passed. Losing my grandfather a few months ago didn't help. I thought about taking medication however this conflicts me because I do not find it natural yet it would probably do wonders. In the past 2 years 3 people I knew have passed on and one almost passed after a serious brain operation. After reading this forum over and over again, seeing the advice people gave, telling their own stories, I felt like I needed to as well. I also feel like I am pouring my heart out and want something that I feel I cannot have.

 

This was exceedingly difficult to type up and I only ask one thing, please be respectful.