50 Shades has nothing todo with BDSM

[Leon0803]

i think its always important (even tho i cant blaim anyone for not doing so)  to remind players of how real bdsm is and what the difference is to the one in the Mods and such.

 

Otherwise things like 50 shades of Grey get created.

 

Quote

It's just somebody's specific fantasy that happened to make a few hundred million dollars... As long as people keep in mind that it's one person's fantasy, and don't jump down the throats of people whose first exposure was 50 Shades, I don't think it does that much damage. - 29fastly

 

 

 

The problem with 50 shades is that it is displayed as "A NORMAL bdsm relationship"

 

and its the first contact for some  people with BDSM and either they think what they see is totaly acceptable and may find theirself in someone who abuses that fact by influencing them with drugs and then trying play technics that are way too advanced for someone new or they simply get raped

 

the other outcome is, which i also had to experience a couple times. That people see the Movie is basicly rape and combine BDSM = Rape (which it definatly isnt.) i had to defend my lifestyle multiple times, going as far as having the person in the house next to me frequiently calling the Police cause she was convinced my Girlfriend is a victim of rape and abuse.

 

 

 

Sadly, which i find even worse is, i also had todo with the first kind of people i mentioned. Have seen people who did extremly dangerous bondage because they simply didnt have the experience and stopped the bloodflow to their hands which turned very bad for them, i can just advice anyone really curious about BDSM to see this movie as the opposite of it.

 

 

 

Here a more detailed explenation why these Movies and Books are bad, i marked them as spoiler as they are a wall of Text, feel free to read it.

Spoiler

 

The reason I hate the popularity of this book is because it is giving many people the misconception that BDSM is abuse. I am of the opinion that what happens in the bedroom between two consenting adults shouldn’t be judged. We all have our likes and dislikes and that is perfectly fine. We all are different and we all have our own philosophies when it comes to relationships. Personally, I love the philosophy in the BDSM community because I feel that everything should always be Safe, Sane, and Consensual (This is the BDSM community’s mantra). That mantra is also something that Fifty Shades of Grey seems to forget.

 

 

Domestic violence is defined by the Department of Justice as "a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner." In the novels, Steele breaks up with Grey and he enters her home without her permission and then has sex with her without her verbal consent. When he leaves, she breaks down in tears. Sexual abuse is defined by the DOJ as "coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner." "How could you be so stupid?" Grey demands of Steele. "I can't do this," Steele says. "Oh Ana, don't overthink this," said Grey. When she threatens to leave, he threatens her. "I would find you. I can track your cell phone, remember?" said Grey. "He'd probably like to beat seven shades of *&%$ out of me," Steele thinks. "The thought is depressing."

 

 " I have an overwhelming urge to cry, a sad and lonely melancholy grips and tightens round my heart. Dashing back to my bedroom, I close the door and lean against it trying to rationalize my feelings. I can't. Sliding to the floor, I put my head in my hands as my tears begin to flow."

 

The last qouted passage was her emotional breakdown to this "consentuality" mr grey and her have after he left her place once he was done raping her

 

[Darkpig]

My mind I is a jumbled up fuck mess so in no real order:

 

1. I heard from someone that it is mommy porn lol! I guess some people find it to be a guilty pleasure of sorts.

2. This is Twilight fan fiction. Expect bad writing.

 

3. I found a video on how fifty shades is linked to cult mind fuckery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VVyh_IM3Ik&list=PLHLoLiL1nL8G7_JGVKGefUxllIZnP39vU&index=90

 

4. Safety first kids!

[Leon0803]

Indeed...id rather call it housewife famtasys but yeah....its basicly just romantic rape.

[Grine]

I think you should start stories or bdsm plays with factual information.
How its done and what is not done.

Lots of enthusiasts see porn or other media as accurate when they are not.  

[Darkpig]

4 hours ago, Grine said:

I think you should start stories or bdsm plays with factual information.
How its done and what is not done.

Lots of enthusiasts see porn or other media as accurate when they are not.  

I'm sure there are plenty. This comic miniseries seems to have a pretty accurate BDSM relationship I think. Never hurts to have more tho.

[Leon0803]

9 hours ago, Grine said:

I think you should start stories or bdsm plays with factual information.
How its done and what is not done.

Lots of enthusiasts see porn or other media as accurate when they are not.  

If i find the time to write storys, the problem is that the entire play is set on a very deep &  intimate relationship which most storys or games, specially porn. Where you know the actors and roles since maybe 2 minutes, cant show

[Lestath81]

3 hours ago, Leon0803 said:

If i find the time to write storys, the problem is that the entire play is set on a very deep &  intimate relationship which most storys or games, specially porn. Where you know the actors and roles since maybe 2 minutes, cant show

I agree, time is an important part of this. The top has to know the bottom well to be able to remain between his/her hard boundaries, and not pushing too hard and fast (I don't prefer using soft-safewords, it is the top's responsibility to see the signs and decide what and how to do, as reaching the hard-safeword usage is the top's failure in my opinion). I love the excitement of exploration the other and self phisically and psichologically, as the evolution both you can make. And this takes time, a lot, but it worth.

Regarding to porn, even if it is long duration, it mostly consists only of some BDSM element flavoured sex scenes with a model who does it only for money. The uncut ones, with models who are really into BDSM are very rare and the emotional part and other details are not shown even there (but the sub's reactions can tell mutch more). But there are some more sensual ones, they are mostly described as "for women porn" o.O ... Anyway, I didn't see any well balanced one (it would be at many-many hours long lol).

This reminds me that there are some series as well, like Submission. However it is still a porn with cut out scenes to decrease it to erotic level, less detailed characters, dialogs and described relations, but it is at least more accurate toward BDSM than 50 shades or ither porns in my opinion.

 

Hm, and there are great comics like Sunstone mentioned above indeed. Too bad it describes a lesbian couple (I don't have any problem with it, it is only that male-female relationship is excluded :( ), but despite this it is mutch better than most of any movies.

 

(Un?)fortunately, I didn't read the 50 shades books, but saw the movies. I was excited about it before I saw, I thought finally BDSM gets some more attention and will be known more by others. But seeing the first part made me upset, as it demontrates only an abusive relationship of a curious, but obviously not a submissive or masochistic woman and an inflexible narcissistic sadist male who abuses the other's attraction to him. Etc.

The second part was way better in my opinion, but it went too far back from BDSM to vanilla...

[Leon0803]

46 minutes ago, Lestath81 said:

but it went too far back from BDSM to vanilla...

Well, the second one also explains that he likes to beat woman/inflict pain on women who look like his mother, which totaly puts the BDSM part out of the light.

 

To the Safewords: soft-safewords can be great to experiment with borderline intersts the sub has, where he/she is unsure how much he/she likes it and whats okay, so you can just lower the intensity but dont need to stop totaly.

[Lestath81]

3 hours ago, Leon0803 said:

Well, the second one also explains that he likes to beat woman/inflict pain on women who look like his mother, which totaly puts the BDSM part out of the light.

 

To the Safewords: soft-safewords can be great to experiment with borderline intersts the sub has, where he/she is unsure how much he/she likes it and whats okay, so you can just lower the intensity but dont need to stop totaly.

I belive that whoes special sexual interest started in young ages, have a cause that turned it. Even if it in the sub-ego and you can't remember to it or you can, doesn't matter. The way and the goal to fullfill these urges that matter. Both was wrong in Gray's case, but the cause won't corrupt the goal in a healthy case.

Which desires came later lead by curiosity and experience is another issue. 

 

Yes I agree about usefullness of soft-safewords, if the dom doesn't know the sub well.

But if the dom can see when is it too mutch for the sub in her/his reactions, the lead has to be his/her. The sub still have the desire to prove for the dom and/or for herself/himself. As she/he can have desire to evolve as well. An escape posibilty just takes this away. That's why I don't like it as bottom.

She/he still has the hard-safeword to prevent abuse or harm.

In other way, if the dom stops too early, the goal isn't reached. The soft-safeword makes the dom's role mutch easier (too easy in my opinion). Besides if the sub controls the dom directly, the dom could feel that the sub didn't give herself/himself fully to him/her (she/he still have the control but not fully and directly). That's why I don't like it as top.

[BloodberrySmoothie]

On 15.11.2017 at 6:59 AM, Darkpig said:

I'm sure there are plenty. This comic miniseries seems to have a pretty accurate BDSM relationship I think. Never hurts to have more tho.

this series is absolutely great and wonderful. I bought the hardcopys as soon as they were released.

 

On 15.11.2017 at 3:40 PM, Lestath81 said:

 

Hm, and there are great comics like Sunstone mentioned above indeed. Too bad it describes a lesbian couple (I don't have any problem with it, it is only that male-female relationship is excluded :( ), but despite this it is mutch better than most of any movies.

 

I'm a super straight female with a fear of vaginas and I loved it, but after the fourth season, the main characters change (side-characters that appear throughout the story) to a straight couple! (: so I think there's a lot of education for everyone, they mention how two doms tried working together, what can go wrong if a a partner in a D/s relationship goes overboard, inexperienced subs that only get introduced to bdsm and almost everything relevant to the topic (:

[just_Gina]

First off, Fifty Shades is Twilight with a whip. That according to the author, who began the story on a Twilight Fan Fiction site. It should in no way be taken as anything other than how a girl "fixes" her screwed up and abused boyfriend, and finds true love and happiness in the bargain. My problem with most media portrayals of BDSM and D/s is exactly that; one or the other person, or both for that matter, have a serious problem that is mitigated by their participating in it. 

I have been around the lifestyle long enough to remember when TES stood for something other than The Elder Scrolls, and have met many like-minded people. True, there might be many whose pasts may have brought them to BDSM, however, the vast majority of people I've met are just regular people with regular upbringings. I believe it is a lot like being gay, we aren't made, we are born.

My first sexual feeling came at six on my first day in 1st grade. The two girls who sat next to me decided they would dress me like I was their doll. To shy to say anything, I let them. I remember to this day how it made me feel. I was too young to understand it, and didn't for many years. I wish I had, for it would have saved me a lot of angst. 

When I finally put two and two together, it explained much to me, and I no longer believed I was "sick" for fantasizing about being tied up. It wasn't until I got my first puter that I was able to actually meet many others like me. The books, and magazines I'd come across were more for the erotic satisfaction of men. My library didn't carry Different Loving or SM101, two excellent books for beginners bTW. Through the internet, I found groups near me, became friends with another sub and her Dom who mentored me, and met my Dom.

Had I believed everything in media portrayals I'd still feel like a sick puppy forever doomed to be unfulfilled due to fear. Admittedly I was lucky, too timid to venture far on my own and pathetic enough that people took me under their wings, I was spared the worst this lifestyle had to offer; The wannabes who thought Dom equaled "get on your knees slave" and sub equaled "yes sir." But horror stories abound and it is rare to not meet people who have one.

[Leon0803]

2 hours ago, just_Gina said:

First off, Fifty Shades is Twilight with a whip. That according to the author, who began the story on a Twilight Fan Fiction site. It should in no way be taken as anything other than how a girl "fixes" her screwed up and abused boyfriend, and finds true love and happiness in the bargain. My problem with most media portrayals of BDSM and D/s is exactly that; one or the other person, or both for that matter, have a serious problem that is mitigated by their participating in it. 

I have been around the lifestyle long enough to remember when TES stood for something other than The Elder Scrolls, and have met many like-minded people. True, there might be many whose pasts may have brought them to BDSM, however, the vast majority of people I've met are just regular people with regular upbringings. I believe it is a lot like being gay, we aren't made, we are born.

My first sexual feeling came at six on my first day in 1st grade. The two girls who sat next to me decided they would dress me like I was their doll. To shy to say anything, I let them. I remember to this day how it made me feel. I was too young to understand it, and didn't for many years. I wish I had, for it would have saved me a lot of angst. 

When I finally put two and two together, it explained much to me, and I no longer believed I was "sick" for fantasizing about being tied up. It wasn't until I got my first puter that I was able to actually meet many others like me. The books, and magazines I'd come across were more for the erotic satisfaction of men. My library didn't carry Different Loving or SM101, two excellent books for beginners bTW. Through the internet, I found groups near me, became friends with another sub and her Dom who mentored me, and met my Dom.

Had I believed everything in media portrayals I'd still feel like a sick puppy forever doomed to be unfulfilled due to fear. Admittedly I was lucky, too timid to venture far on my own and pathetic enough that people took me under their wings, I was spared the worst this lifestyle had to offer; The wannabes who thought Dom equaled "get on your knees slave" and sub equaled "yes sir." But horror stories abound and it is rare to not meet people who have one.

This might be interesting for you aswell:

 

https://www.loverslab.com/blogs/entry/5922-the-harm-done-to-me-and-beloved-ones-due-to-fifty-shades-of-grey/

[just_Gina]

That was interesting, thank you.

[just_Gina]

I have to say, Fifty Shades may have it's down side, but the fact that we are discussing it at all, is a positive. I was turned on to it by a friend, who wanted me to affirm her opinion of it. She was more annoyed by the artifice of the rich guy who is flawed.

As someone who writes erotica, rich  covers a whole lot of flaws. I do not make my characters deficient in any way. Mostly they have good, decent upbringings. Rich just makes it convenient.

There are as many differing opinions of the book as there are people who've read it. I have said it before, and it is exactly what I told my friend; it is a romance story of a girl and a very f' ed up boy. She comes into his life and saves him. The whole BDSM aspect is a plot device.  If it helps people open a dialog with each other, so much the better. 

HOWEVER, in my experience, it failed in that respect. People are still put off by the social stigma placed on BDSM, and are unwilling to even admit they have questions, much less an interest in the subject.

I tend to agree that in the movies, not enough emphasis is paid to the dynamics, and physics involved in playing safely. But, they are fiction, and it is incumbent upon those who decide they are interested in this sort of lifestyle or relationship to do their due diligence and learn for themselves how to do it properly. I relate those who don't as similar to people who cross the street with heads buried in their phones, never bothering to look to see what might be coming.

The choice to pursue a BDSM lifestyle is, as well it should be, a difficult and frightening decision. As rewarding as it can be, it is just as potentially dangerous and heart-breaking. To rush into such a life altering way of life without thoroughly researching it, is more than ludicrous. To do so because of a movie, is just plain dumb.

[Mariulin]

(automatically translated)

Ana:
- deceased biological father
- absent and not communicative adoptive father
- begins the story in school age
- is inexperienced and insecure
- is awkward, uncoordinated in the movements
- has never had sexual experiences
- pigtails (Fortunately, in the bag I find two elastic and I immediately do the pigtails .. Great! Perhaps, more childish look more safe from Bluebeard.)
- sees a woman from the previous generation as a potential rival

Gray:
- authoritarian
- confident
- is at the top of the hierarchy among the characters treated
- apparently inexhaustible resources
- protective
- possessive
- allows Ana to sleep in his bed and does not bother her
- is initially reticent to have sexual relations with her because she believes that she would commit an injustice to her damages
- buy her books
- told the rules
- Assign them homework (... while doing the rest of the "research" I think I have a scholastic assignment, maybe I will be promoted, I blush, remembering the 10 I got this morning ...)
- requires you to eat everything in your plate
- punishes you if you break the rules
- gives her a room entirely for her
- must interrupt a sexual relationship with her because her mother arrives
- avoid carefully to impregnate it
- requires that it be prudent to drive and warns it when it reaches its destination
- the distrust of Ana's friends is aroused
- give her a car when she graduates