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Am I too Nice?/Need Some Advice


Molevalence

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I have been a member for over a year now and some people know me throughout the forums to an extent. I wanted to ask this because it is now the one year anniversary of me and my brother purchasing a new home and in many ways a new life. I never thought I would own a house like the one I have now. Unfortunately to me it was due to a serious price. My mother passed away and her life insurance policy got us the push we needed to buy the house in the first place. So I cannot help but feel a small amount of sorrow knowing that the only way we got this house was because of my mothers passing. If I could have her back obviously I would do so in a heartbeat. Right now I am having a crisis of conscience with a friend of mine. I will explain it down below and would really like some opinions of the people on this forum. You have all been very knowledgeable and kind and I am stumped in my situation.

 

Here is the story:

 

When we got the finalization papers for the house I lived alone and my brother was with his fiancee and two children in a apartment. We had some friends help us move and the brother of a good friend of mine helped us move in and even did some small electronic repairs and tweaks to my home. Later on that week he told me he was in a predicament financially and mentally. At the time he lost his job, had no money and no where to go. I offered him a haven until he could get back on his feet. I charged him no rent so he could save as much money as he could so it would be easier to find his own place. I even got him a job working out west with me and my brother this passing winter to save up and find his own place. It has been a year now and he is still here. He buys his own food and is rarely here, but his stuff is still taking a portion of my home. He leaves for weeks at a time then returns and stays for weeks. He has a daughter and wants to be with her but needs a home to do that. I asked him on occasion what he is doing with his money and he states hes saving it. I think in the back of my mind "I am not charging him rent and all he pays for is food. He should have enough money to at least get an apartment for now." Don't get me wrong, he's a nice person. We have a lot in common and his presence does not bother me but my brother and his fiancee think otherwise.

 

(The house is a bungalow. I live in the basement as my brother and his family get the up stairs.)

 

My brother and even my friends brother thinks he is using me. I don't think that way but I am very laid back. I enjoy helping others and it helps me personally and mentally. I just think I have done all I can do to help him. I think if he continues to stay here he will think that he can just hunker in. I really don't want that to happen and his brother told me he has done it in the past. Because of this my niceness will start to falter his motivations.

 

I am stumped on what I should do. If I tell him to leave because its been over a year and has really shown no strong progress he will either take it the wrong way and I lose a friend, he will move onto someone else and I will feel responsible, or he will run out of options and lose everything. If he stays I fear it will do more harm to him than good in the long run.

 

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Since you're making a thread about it I'm guessing it's a bother? It all comes down to trust, do you trust this guy to get his shit together? Is he a good friend? Maybe he's saving as much money as he can by living in your place? I would, if I could stand not having my own personal space and then I'd leave when the cues started showing.

In my case I'd just straight away ask him what was up, that's how I treat my friends, I just say what I think and feel.

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I agree with Angrybird. It is, after all, your place. There is nothing wrong with sitting him down and asking him what the status is on his saving/ house finding. If you feel he is misusing your kindness, you can always consider asking for rent.

 

Apart from that you are NOT responsible for him or his life. You offered him shelter, but it is his responsibility to get his act together. If things do turn sour because of it, it is very sad, but then you will have to wonder how much your friendship was worth.

 

(hope this makes sense?)

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Thank you all for your advice. Angrybird he is not my brother, he is a brother to a good friend of mine. I have been thinking about this for over a month and trying to find a solution that can benefit me, my brother's family and him. There is one thing coming up though that depending on his response, I will know what to do. I head out west hopefully sometime this fall or early winter. He went with me last year and it was hard work but he managed to make it through the work season. If he does not go then I will ask him to leave.

 

Vachnic I understand what you mean and thank you for your advice, I do not ask him for rent because his life along with his other brothers is a lot like me and my brothers life. We grew up not having much and was always struggling to get by. I think because we have much in common (Lifestyle, hobbies, interests, and our past) I cannot ask him for rent as to me it would slow down his goals. The money would do good to me but honestly I never think of it that way.

 

Lordjerie. That is a good idea but I really don't want him to stay another year. I want him to get his own place so he can be with his daughter. I would think his daughter would be enough motivation to push towards his goals.

 

SayChan my brother said the same thing you said. I might have to do that but I need to think of a way to approach him and not give him the wrong idea. I know he needs his own place and hopefully he knows this too.

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Guest endgameaddiction

Been there many times. it works like this. Your house, your rules. The least he can do is pay up or get out.

 

I used to be too nice and it has gotten me no where. Even this last time I caved in after I said I had enough trying to help friends. People only remember you and call you friend when they need something. A place to say, eat up your food, invade your space, or the main one: Money. Once you have nothing more to offer, they leave and forget about you and return years later. Don't be afraid to put your foot down. You can only do so much and, he has no choice but to be grateful for what you did because you didn't have to do what you did, but you did anyways.

 

I remember why I don't affiliate myself much with co-workers, and keep my distance from many people in general. Fake people make me sick. And it saves me the drama from having to deal with worthless people knocking on my door for help. And I understand why people as they get older they find themselves with less friends. I'm not saying friends is a bad thing, but I don't need people bringing me their drama. You're a man fix your own shit. I have my own problems. Oh, your caught up in drugs? I don't care. Get lost. The more I run into people like this, the more heartless I become when it comes to things like this. People only take in consideration what I can do for them and that's when they acknowledge me as a "friend".

 

Best advice I can give you is, learn how to be tough and put your foot down. It's your home, your rules. And the fact that you and your brother, and his wife all agree that enough is enough, it's time he should get moving. Don't be intimidated because he has a kid. That's his problem, not yours. As heartless as that may sound, I guarantee you if anything, he will use that as an excuse to get to you and make you feel terrible.

 

Gotta stop being too kind. It's not good for you. I know from experience as I'm sure others around here do too. Remember everyone in life makes their own choices.

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Thank you all for the advice. I think the best thing to do right now is to start charging him rent. His company does not bother me so no reason to kick him out but letting him stay here for free is not helping me. Maybe once I start charging him rent he will start to think about getting his own place.

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I would just say "Hey man, you've been here for a while and I'm just wondering how soon you're gonna be able to move out.  Space is tight you know?" and just keep trying to get more specific information out of him, like how much he has saved, what places he's looking at.

 

If he "takes it the wrong way" then that means he's using you and/or he hasn't made any progress, and that's when you start talking about rent and move out dates.  If he starts telling you about his plans and everything looks like there's legit progress happening (legit generally involves something on paper, generally something that was printed out in an office), then just stay the course and stay how you've been (don't fix what aint broken; you don't wanna throw a wrench in the plan when it's working out).  He might actually have enough saved up to move out and just be unsure if he can or not (I don't know how financially savvy this guy is.. his situation makes me think less than more).  If he's willing to show you what he has then that's a good sign (if he trys to make you feel guilty for asking, red flag).

 

 Most important thing, don't decide anything before you ask him what's up (if you suddenly drop rent or a move out date on him without at least giving him a chance to communicate about his situation, you're virtually guaranteeing he'll take it the wrong way either by getting insulted or panicking and doing something stupid).

 

Talking to people is always the best first step, because informed decisions can't be made without information, and the last thing you wanna do is go to flush out a gopher only to find out your two week old puppy is down that hole (something my grandpa always said... he's kinda morbid).

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When in doubt blame your brother's fiancee. Tell him she wants YOU to move out eventually, nevermind him. It's clear he's gotten too complacent and comfortable there, going rent free. Even if he is a nice guy it's high time he got out on his own. You blame the fiancee, say she's planning for when they're married, and it takes the onus off of you. Might cause a little friction but you can't say it's untrue. They both want him to move on.

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You have been more than a friend to this guy, if he is really your friend you can tell him the truth with no fear.

 

First, ask him about how he is doing, then tell him you got to make plans for the future, and him finding a new home is the first plan you have in mind.

 

And don't get scared about his reaction, if he is a real friend he will understand.

 

Make yourself clear, give deadlines, be comprehensive but strong.

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Well. last night I talked to him. I asked his financial situation and long story short, he has saved nothing. When he told me this I was very disappointed and somewhat betrayed. After he said this I said nothing and gave him a chance to explain himself. After that I just walked away. He knew I was upset. I woke up today and he was gone. He comes and goes for days so I will not be surprised if he is gone for a while. It's a good thing too because I need time to analyze this and make a decision.

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Guest endgameaddiction

Don't let it affect you bud. I used to let those things get to me and it became another impact on my depression. You're better than that and you should know that in the end after doing what you did, you are doing much better than them knowing that they may come back for help again, but only this time with yourself more prepared to confront these types of situations.

 

It's part of life. We live through mistakes and wrong choices only to become a better and stronger person. That's what makes us grow. So, don't be ashamed to be nice, but show your fierce side when you need to. I used to be exactly the same back in the days. I used to fear how to confront people and didn't know how. I stood there like an idiot and let people step on me. Eventually that momentum just built up and I was just sick and tired of it. Now that I'm all guns and bullets, I'm the bad guy. Pshhh... Only when I need to be.

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I agree with endgame, I would charge him a set amount of rent Nothing big but something to put back into your pocket and how much space and food he is taking up. So maybe about 300 a month or more to make him know he isn't getting a free place to crash and free food. That 300 dollars can pay part of your rent or for groceries. If you know him, he should have no problem with this and if he wants to stay evne longer charge him half of the rent. Done deal :)

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