Porn Addiction

[Guest]

Maybe it's over-due but I just want to know something. Do someone think that they don't actually want to be like this? A pervert and porn maker? Like there's other things to do but you can't do it cause of self doubt and lust. It's obvious that I don't want to be a perv and just live a life, but I can't cause of addiction. OblivionSumary isn't my first name and probably won't be the last either.

 

 

I just want to know if someone had some very good dreams in the past that you doubted yourself to make now when you make porn.

[Collygon]

Hey Oblivion,

 

I can assure you now that you're not the only person to struggle with this kind of thing. While I haven't gone through multiple different accounts, I have had cases of "quitting" only to return months, or even years later. Years ago, I only played Skyrim. I downloaded more mods from here than the Nexus and it'd be fun for a while but eventually the game wasn't about playing, it was about the porn. To me, that really sucked the joy out of it. But furthermore, it caused a lot of damage in my real life that had I not been surrounded by loved ones, it may have been irreparable. So why am I still here? I by no means make the most adult content on here, though I have a fair share of NSFW stories, skimpy mods, and Devious Devices contributions, it is still regular exposure to something that I was verifiably addicted to and could have ruined my life.

 

To answer your question, yes, I had dreams about doing what I'm doing now in the past. My past self would never believe I'd actually be making mods that people genuinely enjoy and make me proud. It brings me more joy in life than almost anything else. But before I got here, I had to realize that doing this kind of stuff is incredibly dangerous to your social life and relationships.

 

I won't go into details; I don't want to. But I want to tell you how I overcame the addiction and am still able to be active in this community (well, as active as I can. Life keeps me busy sometimes), because it is absolutely possible to do both!

 

You've probably heard this before, but the first step is admitting you have a problem. Thing is, it goes deeper than that. You can always think "I have an addiction. I want to stop, but don't know how or don't really want to. I mean, why bother? I'll just keep coming back anyway." Which was basically my thinking at the time. I could admit it, but I wouldn't do anything about it or was willing to try to put in an effort. They go hand in hand. To admit something, you have to be willing to follow through.

 

So my initial method was complete de-exposure. I'm talking no access to any kind of porn whatsoever, except from loverslab because I wanted to continue my blog. Let me tell you now, that did not work for me. Porn rewires your brain, I can attest to that. So cutting the connection makes everything go haywire. I struggled with some things that I'm embarrassed to say. The sudden cut sent me into a weird fetish frenzy. I was desperate to reconnect somehow and I found myself being thinking about things that "sober" me never would have thought about, sexualized, fetishized, etc... It was one of the darkest times in my life. Now to be fair, I was also going through the most difficult and stressful college semester ever, so that stress undoubtedly added to it.

 

The point is, don't go cold turkey. Don't completely cut it off, just start slow. Maybe playing Skyrim, for example, is your biggest "porn outlet". Cut that one off, but allow yourself to keep accessing other, smaller outlets. Continue this process of cutting off the biggest one over a few weeks, or months, or however long works.

 

Now, I'd be a liar if I said that is all there is to it. I don't know your situation, but having a friend or significant other who is outside of this community can really help; someone you trust. I would never have overcame it if not for my girlfriend. So try and get ahead of it. Do you think this addiction will hurt someone in your life? Tell them now! Don't make my mistake and wait until it does hurt them, because I promise you, it will.

 

Also, having a friend in this community can help too. I was talking to a friend here at the time who helped me out. They didn't know the details, just that I had questions and was confused. All I needed was someone who understood, a bit of what I had struggling with and could listen.

 

Eventually I overcame it, for the most part. Of course every now and then I feel an urge, but it gets easier and easier to ignore. It's also much easier because I am able to "take out" these urges with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, I know that most people don't have that option. And I wish I had advice for some alternative, but I don't. However, everyone is different and has/can find an alternative way to "take out" their urges.

 

So that's where I am now and have been for quite a while. I can make adult mods without spiraling out of control and will continue to do so. I don't know exactly what you do, i.e. make mods, play with mods, or whatever else, but for me, adult mods can be made because a lot of it is technical. If I focus on the technical aspect of it, then I won't be "distracted" by the "sexy" aspect of it. I hope that makes sense.

 

This probably wasn't exactly what you were looking for, but I think you need to hear it. Addiction is always a bad thing, even when it may seem harmless. Because if you don't try to overcome it soon, then it will hurt you later down the line.

 

If you do plan on tackling this and don't have anyone to talk to, feel free to message me. I can't promise I'll reply quick, as I am quite busy these days, but I will get back to you in a day or two.

 

Best of luck,

--Collygon

[Guest]

Thank you. I admit that I have plans outside of porn that is way too important for me. And knowing people today, if they figure out my identities then I can expect great damage to my consciousness. Or something cause I'm not good at speaking.

 

 

Not only do I have too much to work with but also little time to finish my job and getting over my addiction at the same time.

[Reginald_001]

Just join: NoFap.com to help fight your porn addiction.

I conquered mine and have more self esteem for it, so you can you.

[Nexussuckstwice]

While we at it you may also stop breathing, eating and drinking (also do not poop).

 

After all being human and do what humans do is SHAMEFUL. I'd say even it's a SIN!

 

 

Yeah, just recently we had right-wingers attacking sexuality as usual and here we go - their shills instantly here. Who could've thought?

 

[GrimReaper]

It's a touchy subject. On one hand you'll hear people saying that porn addiction isn't real (it certainly is) and porn is good, period. On the other hand you have these crazy anti-porn cultists (noFap has been pretty much infiltrated by them). The truth is that porn is like everything else in life and if it's a substitute you use to numb yourself, you're probably going to develop a problem further down the line. It's classified as an addiction if it interferes with your daily life.

 

So yeah, stuff like noFap can help you if you have an addiction problem because it simply is the cold turkey route. But if you don't have an addiction, noFap won't improve your life just like not drinking alcohol won't improve your life if you're not an alcoholic. Most people can enjoy porn without developing an addiction just like most people don't develop an addiction to alcohol. Addictions that are not based on inherently addictive substances like heroin and the like that are indicators that something is very wrong in your life, or that you simply have an addictive personality, or a mix of the two. However, fixing the trigger for your initial addiction won't fix the developed addiction itself. Curing your addiction when the underlying cause (if there is one) is still present is also a bad practice because chances are you're going to get addicted again, not necessarily to the same thing, but you'll end up looking for a substitute again and again.

 

That's why the best route is to seek professional help if you can, the internet is full of snake oil salesmen.

[Wolfstorm321]

Well, I've got rid of standard porn nine months ago I believe, after I started using Skyrim to fap.

So far, I've made more than 30 bodyslide presets, the last one being the one which I use today.

Today, I only fap to my girls in Skyrim, characters which I created. Its much better that way, because I have a active role on it, instead of the passivity of watching a movie.

Also, its rewarding when you see the results of your modding. When the reward from modding is combined with the reward from fapping, it rewires your brain away from porn.

 

Some time ago I tried to fap to porn movies and got bored in two minutes. Standard porn cant turn me on anymore, its just too ugly.

And then there is the passivity: you fapping while watching other men on the screen, fucking several women while you dont fuck anyone. You dont feel it in the surface, but it goes deep and cause depression.

By way of contrast, when you do that in Skyrim, its with your characters, which you created and identify with. Each character have a part of yourself there, even if they are very different from you, because you have put effort into it. And when you have a part on it, it changes everything. You feel a connection to the scene, and you aren't just fapping, you are actually fucking, but in a different context.

I dont give a fuck if this disconnects me from "reality". Reality is subjective and its made by what your mind apprehends. Form above matter.

 

However, I have to say that before I delved into Skyrim eroticism, I practiced no-fap for two weeks. I recommend it to "de-toxicate" from industrial porn, then search for a alternative which suits you better. Remember that excess is bad on both sides of the fence, so beware those religious zealots which turned no-fap into a cult.

[Mr. Otaku]

Porn addiction has never been an issue for me i guess. Yes at one point i noticed i was getting "addicted" but i also knew myself well enough to realize that pushing back against this would be futile which could potentially depress me if i'm not careful. So i embraced it instead, once that happened i just spread it across my entire routine, think of it like super managing.

 

I don't know, i don't like to give something up. I don't like to choose one way or the other, i'm the "i'll have it both ways" kind of guy. I actually watch even more porn now than i watched during my "addiction" phase but i also get all my work done and get time for all the things i enjoy. My collection is also growing rapidly lol. 

It's like my mom says, learn to manage time and money, and you'll solve most problems in life. Trick is, don't fight your instincts, understand and master them. 

[Just Checking]

I don't think I've ever considered myself addicted to anything.  I can't give any advice or speak on experiences with anything like that.  I do, however, understand where you're coming from with the self esteem thing.  I've never thought I was amazing or talented, but after I left high school and tried to go into higher education, only to fail because of my poor time management skills and just picking a course I didn't really even like anyway, I've sort of spiraled down into a state where I just kind of don't like or believe in myself.  There's been things I wished I could do, or even tried to do, but gave up on because I felt I either wasn't good enough, or weirdly, didn't deserve the chance to succeed at because of the time I've already wasted or because I felt like I've squandered myself.  Here's a little ramble for you.

 

I personally always loved stories, be it in books, tv or video games, and even when I was little I liked the idea of one day having my own fun story to tell that someone enjoyed reading just as much as I did my favorites.  I even tried a writing project several years ago that I quite enjoyed, but when I was done I convinced myself it was worthless and no one would like it.  I sort of gave up on it and lost my passion for it, and if there's one thing I definitively regret, it's giving up on a hobby I genuinely enjoyed because I had set some arbitrary standard in my head that I wasn't living up to.  Maybe it wasn't perfect, maybe it wasn't even that good, but I really loved just writing it, and I let myself become wrapped up in the idea that because I failed once, I didn't deserve a second try and I needed to pull my head in and focus on reality.  My job, namely.  Well, here I am today, no happier for having spent these last years working and smothering a passion of mine.  I've worked and saved money, moved out of home, and am reasonably financially secure, as was my goal when I gave up writing, and I still feel like crap, not being good enough.

 

I recently saw something that gave me a degree of inspiration for my writing.  Every once in a while I try to get back into it, only to hit a point some ten pages in and lose focus, succumbing once again to that little voice saying "you can't do it".  Well, I saw that aforementioned inspirational thing, and now I'm at a new point, one that's pissed off with all that self doubt and the fact I've been the only one saying how bad I am at everything.  I've determined to get back into my writing, and have actually been doing a good job of doing it consistently and making progress on the project.  Maybe it's only a little thing, but I actually do feel better for it.

 

I don't usually like inspirational crap, it actually makes me feel worse, but the advice I saw was practical, it was measurable, and it was delivered in a deadpan voice that spoke not of any emotional drive, but rather how to just keep going when you think it's pointless or you're sick of it.  It was something I've heard before, but always from people that sound like they're so much happier than me and have all their shit together.  Just do a little bit every day.  Specifically, it was write a single page every day.  No more, because you'll burn out and then it'll really suck, but even if you can't do a page, do a bit.  Even if it's just a paragraph, or a line, or even a single word, because literally any amount of progress is forward momentum, and keeping that momentum going, no matter how slow, is the most important part.  If you hit a spot you struggle in, skip it and focus on getting to the end, because the end is the most important checkpoint to hit, everything can be tidied up once you know where it's going.

 

The point of this rant is that, while I may not be able to offer any advice in terms of battling addiction, self esteem issues are something I have lived with for a long time.  Now it may not work for you, but here's what I've learned about myself, and maybe it'll help you some time too.  Inspirational quotes on pictures of a sunrise didn't make me feel better.  Talking about my feelings to friends or family made me feel like I was burdening and disappointed them.  Putting off an actually constructive passion I really liked made me feel like shit.  Then I saw something that spoke from a place I understood, where there were no happy emotions or magical motivation tricks, just cold, hard progress, and it made perfect sense to me.  So I decided fuck it, I'm pissed now, I might as well be doing something I enjoy while I suffer through feeling like a nobody, and it's actually helped me feel a bit better.  So if you have something you want to pursue, but self esteem is holding you back, maybe trying to make the esteem better first is the wrong starting point.  Get a little angry, or a little excited.  I found it helped to just declare to myself "I will" whatever.  I will become an artist, I will learn that instrument, I will get my pilots license, I will be an author, whatever it is, and just do a little bit of it.  Then you do it again the next day, and the next, and when you think to yourself you can't, that you're not good enough, say fuck you, I have work to do.  That line of thinking is the enemy now.  It's someone else, trying to stop you from doing your little bit every day because they think they know better.  Get angry again, remind yourself what you're doing, and do it anyway.  Call it spite, or determination, or whatever.  One little tiny bit every day to keep the ball rolling, no matter how slow, because eventually it'll get there.

 

You can't do it, you're not good enough, you don't deserve it, all things I've spent years saying to myself, and believing, and frankly I'm just plain sick of it, so I'm doing something regardless.  Do I still feel like I'm not good enough or have no hope?  Yes, but it's better now that I'm doing something I enjoy again, and seeing progress, any amount, sure beats the hell you of knowing I did nothing again, and maybe with some more time that good feeling will start to outweigh the bad ones.  If nothing's already working, then I say you have nothing to lose by trying to do the same.

[Nushnushganay]

I think it's brave of you to ask, and brave and generous of others to come forward in earnest to answer (rather than dismiss or scold).

 

I can't offer more than that, because I never had this problem. I like what I like, but I think I would consider it a problem if it eclipsed real-life enjoyment and activities. Anything that desensitizes has this potential to create a situation in which ever more intense stimuli are needed to elicit a response, and that is a problem whatever kind of stimulus it is. My thought is that a person is more vulnerable to this, whose needs are not getting met by the real thing: real food vs. the hyperstimulation of intensely sweet or salt or artificially flavored things, for instance, or real-life experiences that trigger a release of endorphins and other compounds that make us feel great, vs. forced highs from substances that can diminish our bodies' own production while increasing our demand for the substances, etc.

 

So I think the best defense against the situation you describe is to focus on finding the real thing in a good way, instead of relying on the easy but artificial stimulus. Easier said than done, but a worthy goal to pursue, and then erotica can be enjoyed but not become something you depend on, but just an add-on, and enhancement.

[Guest]

Never thought that this topic would get so many replies. Thanks to all of you, I found out somethings about fapping.

 

Inspire

 

(So apparently the planet turns into a pigeon fuck.)

[GrimReaper]

27 minutes ago, OblivionSumary said:

Never thought that this topic would get so many replies. Thanks to all of you, I found out somethings about fapping.

 

Inspire

 

(So apparently the planet turns into a pigeon fuck.)

What always creeps me out on those videos are the cultists in the comments. It's the same stories over and over again: I was a weak, addicted, shriveled husk of a human being but once I started with THIS LITTLE TRICK I've become superman. Call me cynical, but I don't think that overly successful people are usually found in the comment section of youtube commenting on videos. Fucking LARPers.

 

Edit: Also it's pretty common in my experience that the people posting these comments also have smaller channels in which they advertise for their shitty little books on amazon or whatever. Really makes you think.

[Wolfstorm321]

Just now, OblivionSumary said:

Never thought that this topic would get so many replies. Thanks to all of you, I found out somethings about fapping.

 

Inspire

 

(So apparently the planet turns into a pigeon fuck.)

 

Interesting, I never saw it this way. My fapping is always inspirational, when I'm already relaxed. And I dont have erections when outside home (cant remember the last time I had one).

However, what he pointed out as "desperation fap" could be applied to any addiction. In my case, when I'm tense, I drink.

[acursedsexaddict]

My name is pretty much a testament to the addiction I have. I have a horribly cynical personality that makes it hard to enjoy anything outside of porn related material. I have tried various hobbies, but find them all mundane. I have no life goals, no desires, nothing I can even say is "my taste" outside of porn. I also have OCD that makes it hard to touch anything if it doesn't have porn in it for fear of going into panic attacks. I could never play a game like Skyrim without porn in it, doing such would essentially be the same as destroying my world and any aspirations I could hope to have, for fictional media is the only thing I can even build any hope for in the first place. Porn therefore serves as my liberator, but also a curse, for I am limited in what I can touch and find most things aren't made the way I desire. I want challenge, I want a game that is a game first and porn second while having a massive porn outlet, but since everyone just uses it as fap material I am working against myself. After years of trying, I still can't get Skyrim to the point where it can be touched without getting frustrated due to a lack of reliability. I tried Oblivion, but was told I was playing the game wrong and to stop playing it. I tried the Sims games, but just ended up feeling like a cuck. Would Fallout 4 work? Sounds like Skyrim SE (LE crashes on me to the point I can't use it) except less mods. So while porn games are the answer, I don't really have a porn game I can say I enjoy at the same time. I don't fap (I am pretty much a representative of why NoFap doesn't make you some greater person), I just hold a lot of value to porn as the only way I could potentially be happy, with no real solutions being found there. So it becomes a curse.

 

Removing myself from porn therefore is not really a solution to a problem, since it would just be removing the only escape I really have for fighting even greater mental issues. Yet at the same time I find myself getting more degenerate. It is distressing that I must sexualize everything, that I can't really interact with other people without holding some sexual thoughts. While my girlfriend is understanding of my issues, I feel like shit since I wish to desire her and only her, instead of holding lust to everything. It doesn't help that my tastes really veer to my girlfriend, which means feeling like a cuck once again and thus not being able to touch it. I am not really one who gets along well with other people, in fact I tend to be hated as I am endless depression and cynicism while also struggling with conviction that makes me essentially a doormat; the only people who stay are those who try to fix me and eventually get angered that I don't change, or those who want to take advantage of me.

 

It definitely doesn't help that I am extremely sexual at this point, but while I want to focus all my energy on my girlfriend, she is asexual and thus does not want any sexuality involved with her. This means removing porn would kill my only outlet due to her refusal for any sort of physical relationship. While we conflict sexually, we have a perfect connection in most ways, and I don't feel an interest in sex is worth destroying a relationship over. As said, that means all I have is porn, but the problem is that I end up feeling the cuckhold which I hate or end up frustrated with the game due to it not functioning reliably enough to play. It feels like I am destined to a life of unhappiness, no matter how you look at it.

 

Professional help is an answer, but the problem is that the last therapist I tried was so horrible that he ended up making my mental conditions worse, hit upon triggers each week, and otherwise just threw pills at me. I don't want to play such a gamble again, especially as the main place close to me refuses to even answer my phone calls or call me back. They also seem to love charging the maximum amount possible on your insurance level with things such as mental evaluation tests, so it is too much of a financial burden. Add to the fact that I don't have an easy mode of transportation and also am a doormat, meaning I hate taking initiative myself as that also leads to emotional issues, means that it just isn't a route for me.

 

I am just an unhappy individual. Nothing can fix that.

[Wolfstorm321]

OCD is a complicated issue. I have it, and its one of the causes of my alcoholism. In my case its fear of error, and fear of breaking things. So I have to check things two, three, four times, just to make sure its alright. It happens even when I'm typing.

The last time I visited a therapist was in 2005. I dont like the idea of psychological treatment, because they will fill you with drugs, which will cause another addiction, and worse, it will be controlled by a third party (the therapist), so basically you are delivering your will to the doctor. If he want to prescribe something else (which is conditioned by how much the laboratory is paying him) you will have to bow down to his decision. Sometimes its better you just decrease the effects of your condition, since these drugs will not cure you, they will just make you feel better like any addiction do.

[acursedsexaddict]

My OCD is not really a problem outside of entertainment mediums, but makes any sort of entertainment highly limiting. Essentially, I am stuck in chronological order, having to do things in a sequential way without breaking from a specific path. This becomes problematic when you absolutely hate the thing you touch, but you must endure it to total completion in order for it to be fulfilled. Porn provides an escape, since porn is not something I can justify being part of a proper list, it is that non-serious thing most fap to. This means it ironically ends up being my freedom and only potential route to touching games released within the last 20 years or so. Combined with the main route collapsing lately due to drama with other individuals, I am essentially deadlocked in my main path, so porn is really the only answer I have unless I want to retouch stuff I don't even enjoy.

 

I have heard a lot of horror stories of drugs and pills. To control my anxiety and depression, they put me on Prozac, and would up the dosage every month if nothing happened. This meant a lot of wasting time and not experiencing anything. Once I hit 50mg, I suddenly started getting night terrors and constant panic attacks. I made my strongest suicide attempts during that period. Trying to talk to the psychologist was completely pointless, he felt most things I wanted to talk about was going "off topic" to evade my narcissism. He felt the best solution to the problem was to beat me down so I knew I was inferior, so he would yell a lot about it being his office and thus him having all the rights. He would say my opinions were entirely worthless, that I did not matter at all. As stated, he also would use things like my OCD against me, bringing up stuff that would torment me. He also spent a lot of time on his computer ignoring me, plus I feel a good amount of time was wasted on quarterly surveys that would take a lot of sessions to complete. I didn't want to get out of it, since I feel like a narcissist would be the type to avoid hearing what is being said, and I wanted to therefore combat my narcissism by letting him do what he felt was necessary. But at a certain point my family got involved and didn't like his actions, so combined with inertia I didn't fight their choice to stop it just like I had inertia in regards to stopping. So now my narcissism is unchecked and I am bound to hurt people. All I want is escapsim and some porn game I can endlessly enjoy. That makes it all the harder, since most are relatively linear. You get something with potential, but then it plays the same every time, and you are stuck as you need some sort of unpredictability to endlessly touch something. Plus it feels like most porn games are VNs that are barely games to begin with, or RPGM games where you play wack-a-mole and almost play too good for your own good, avoiding all sex scenes because you grinded to efficiently manage it.

 

I have decreased the effects of my OCD, thankfully. A decade ago I couldn't touch things in the 90s, instead being stuck on Atari titles or reading Dungeons and Dragons modules. The endless futility of it all, plus realizing just how slow it was even with constant devotion, convinced me to eventually turn the OCD to "only direct references, not influences or things in turn tied to that reference", since before I would fall down rabbit holes that prevented me from touching games most of the time. I eventually convinced myself to skip most of the 70s and 80s, saying how they didn't tie much to modern genres since I preferred more direct action based stuff like FPS. I then started tackling stuff like Doom, which I am possibly the only person to find a miserable experience, before eventually convincing myself that I should only be touching titles I like. So thus I got to Quake and have been doing Quake related content for the past few years, except now I have hit issues within the community that prevents me from continuing since I ended up tying a lot of it to videos and other information. This means I can't just forgo everything and just play levels, it would feel like a massive decrease to what I was doing, yet I also can't continue due to the community causing trouble with my emotions and in a way making my OCD more bothersome.

 

I am in a weird pit whereby I cannot play modern games, but if given the choice, I hold no desires so that I wouldn't even know what to touch or do. I am clueless without my OCD. Yet at the same time someone is bound to mention some game or title or franchise I could be enjoying, then I start thinking about the minuscule amount of time I even have to progress, and my OCD becomes distressing while also knowing if it was gone I would just be trying and hating things, then feeling even more lost. I do best therefore inside a bubble, escaping franchises and things that bother me, and find other people highly bothersome in things such as friendship roles as they tend to start discussing things like the media they like and recommend you touching it. Combine this with seeing just how much others touch, it becomes like a carrot on a stick and almost miserable in its own way. Thus the only real answer is to live in a bubble, avoiding everything I can, and avoiding friendships unless they are very controlled in what they talk about. Since I can't even make progress on my OCD now, it is even worse, so now the only solution is to get that ideal porn experience.

[GrimReaper]

6 hours ago, Wolfstorm321 said:

OCD is a complicated issue. I have it, and its one of the causes of my alcoholism. In my case its fear of error, and fear of breaking things. So I have to check things two, three, four times, just to make sure its alright. It happens even when I'm typing.

The last time I visited a therapist was in 2005. I dont like the idea of psychological treatment, because they will fill you with drugs, which will cause another addiction, and worse, it will be controlled by a third party (the therapist), so basically you are delivering your will to the doctor. If he want to prescribe something else (which is conditioned by how much the laboratory is paying him) you will have to bow down to his decision. Sometimes its better you just decrease the effects of your condition, since these drugs will not cure you, they will just make you feel better like any addiction do.

You can say that you don't want medication. They can't force you to swallow pills except in extreme cases where you are a danger to yourself or others, i.e. when you're homicidal and/or suicidal. Also, antidepressants usually don't have a simple moodlifting effect, it goes deeper than that. You also don't develop an addiction in the classical sense and all those pills can be slowly tapered out over the course of a few weeks or months, depending how long you took them. The real killer (sometimes quite literally) are the first 4-6 weeks, because that's usually the time the medication needs to fully kick in. During that time, however, there's a plethora of side effects that will occur but not the desired effect, which can motivate people to actually kill themselves. The motivation enhancer kicks in while most of the brain chemistry is still a mess. It won't make you suicidal by itself, but if you already are, it might give you the motivation you 'need' to seal the deal.

 

I could go into the reason why antidepressants are often used, what many doctors do wrong and why they're often needed, but that would be slightly off-topic.

[AKM]

One could use the word 'addiction' in pointing out that I don't do what 'most' "normal" people do, but then, there's the obvious: I have my reasons, and they are absolutely solid ones at that.  Addicted?  Sure; in the classical sense.  But that doesn't necessarily hold any water when I have no interest in exposing myself to the known and rather obvious dangers of the alternative to porn, that of being actually interacting sexually with another human, which, of course, requires trust.  Trust is something I DO have a major problem with, and have, for as long as I can remember.  I just don't trust but very few people.

 

Now, as for not trusting yourself and letting that be a stumbling block that prevents you from doing what you really want(ed) to do with your life, that's probably not addiction, that's just being a normal human in the, say, 95-99% of humans out there.  Very, very few people are truly happy with their lives, it seems, or are able to put the bullshit that society (other people) put out there as a road block and just bull through and DO it, already, whatever it is that they want to do.  Granted, there are a few things out there that are just regulated to the heavens, and if you're not a perfect specimen, you're not going to be allowed to do it, but most things it's simply a mental block.  The only person in your way is YOU.

 

The question: How badly do YOU want it and are you willing to do what is required to get it?  For the vast majority, the answer is 'No'.  It's not about weakness, per se, but simply the fact that you don't want the outcome badly enough to go through the pain required (and there WILL be pain involved in the journey, guaranteed) to get to the destination.

Current example from me:  I just, within the last week, bought a smart phone.  I have put it off as long as humanly possible, but finally got backed into a corner by work (you'll need it for the test, etc.).  Got the thing home, charged it, and found that it was sliding around on my leg, so I put it back in its package where it's protected until a case and screen cover arrived.  ...And I have no idea where it is.   Here's the thing.  I, myself, never wanted the stupid thing.  I absolutely despise the idea of being constantly connected, at someone's (anyone's) beck and call, which is what the thing represents for me.  It wasn't important enough for me to remember where it is, so I didn't.  My new picture of Twilight Sparkle that I just got framed, on the other hand?  Now that got put up right away, the phone forgotten.  It's a matter of priority and importance.

[Guest]

It isn't working for me to stop right now. But I will and must stop someday. As said here, I need to try resist or everything I'm working on will be fucked.

[Just Checking]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but I couldn't think of where else it might go.  Sorry it's a bit lengthy, I'm not a very succinct person.  I've been reading some things lately about how porn and sex addiction are becoming more widely recognized issues.  I'm a man in his mid twenties who's never had a relationship, honestly never really even entertained the thought much, but I do consume a good amount of porn.  Insecure as I am, I worry I have a problem.  Am I not interested in a real relationship because I'm using online material too much?  Is it affecting my mental well being?  Am I just not much of a people person and am reading far to much into my substitute for a form of intimacy I still wouldn't pursue even if I didn't have access to porn?  Obviously I don't suffer from a lack of sexual interest, but am I exploring that in an unhealthy manner?  How many other people have these same worries and don't know when they need to make changes?

 

I've read other people's experiences with addiction and they usually acknowledge they have a problem sometime around when it's all but destroyed their lives.  Their friends have left them, they've lost the kids, they can't hold down a job, that kind of stuff.  I'm definitely not there, I always spend time with the important people in my life and it never interferes with my ability to work, but I still worry whether too much of my mental faculties and spare time are being devoted to getting an orgasm, and not even one involving another person.  I wouldn't say it was always a routine, but ever since I got my own computer I've fairly regularly spent time on sexual material, usually ranging from ten minutes to an hour or so (almost never in one solid chunk, it's sort of spaced out between other things) on most days.  Easily five days a week I'll spend some amount of time consuming some degree of pornographic material.  My big problem comes from a couple things.  First, I'm a habitual worrier.  Anything that can be worried about, I do, and this is but one of the topics at hand that I can use to cause myself anxiety.  Second, while examples of people that have hit rock bottom are abundant, I've seen no examples of what could be called a functional addict for these things.  I'm not destroying my life with this stuff, but am I impacting it more profoundly than a glance might indicate?  I don't know, and I don't know how to find out.  So I'm turning to the people here.  I know we're not psychologists around here, though there's no doubt a couple who make use of these forums floating around, but I thought at the very least, given the platform, there had to be some others with insights to share on this topic.  Maybe they know someone who struggled with something similar or they themselves did.

 

I play a lot of the games that are catered to on this site, Skyrim and the Sims and so on, with liberal use of LL mods.  On the other hand I've always played a lot of games, perfectly happy in my own company, and I still play a significant amount that involve nothing even remotely sexual.  I also frequent a couple image boards rife with sexual content, but it's usually a sort of idle background thing I might flick through if I don't have something more pressing to be doing.  As mentioned before, most of my days involve at least some explicit viewing in one form or another.

 

How does one know if they have a problem that just isn't as apparent as others?  I don't feel a compulsion to search out porn, but I definitely still do it even when I'm not particularly horny or anything.  Maybe I'm worried by the casual nature of my actions, that it's just another thing that I do like watching youtube video or reading the news, and part of me wonders if I'd be living a healthier life without these things.  I've long thought sexual education in schools needs a significant overhaul, as they seem to only address the exact biology of reproduction, at least where I live.  There was never a class that taught us what feels good or how to communicate with a partner, why some people seek, or don't see, relationships, how to deal with things like porn, etc.  I personally feel like I would have benefited from a more robust education on healthy sexual practices rather than just a more human oriented week long biology class where I learn the names of several body parts and how cell division works.  Not to make a political commentary on education or anything, it's just something I thought might have helped me growing up.

 

So, what do others think?  LL users tend to be pretty open minded about sex and porn, so I thought it'd be a good place to float the topic.  Anyone who has an idea on this matter, or might have felt similar worries themselves, please don't hesitate to share your thoughts.

[AKM]

23 hours ago, Just Checking said:

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but I couldn't think of where else it might go...

 

Two things.  1. See a doctor (medical) about mental issues and possibly 2. A psychologist or the like.  A trained professional.  This is a nice place for advice, but if it's really bothering you that much, you shouldn't be seeking or taking advice from strangers on the internet, much less taking such advice seriously.  That said, my take:

 

 

This is but one of the topics at hand that I can use to cause myself anxiety.

 

Right, no doubt about it, get yourself some help if this is causing you issues of any form. Anxiety is a real thing, and it's not just the porn you're dealing with.  Sounds like the porn questions are stemming from the anxiety issues.  You really should go see a professional about this.

 

 

 

How does one know if they have a problem that just isn't as apparent as others? 

 

Well I don't know for sure, I'll give you a personal example.  Look at what did interest you previously and what does interest you now.  What has taken over your life as you see it?  If you can recognize it, then it might be an issue.  Emphasis 'might'.  Some things are okay, others are not.  Then again, there's the old "Why conform to what society says is okay?" statement.  To a point it's valid.  Of course, at some point, the "hive mind rule" (I can't think of the real term) stuff must take over.  Personal example from me is ponies (MLP/Brony stuff).  I got into that in an effort to try to understand and help a friend.  That friend is gone from my life now, yet the ponies remain, despite the fact that I found that I have no real lasting interest in them in and of themselves.  I finally realized what it's all about.  It's about the fact that she was someone I felt close to and it's a from of interpersonal relationship I've very rarely had.  In an effort to remember what she and I had, I keep the ponies around.  I think it's called projection.  Not sure.  NOT healthy in the slightest, but it is what it is.  Maybe I'll fix it someday.  Maybe I won't. 

 

 

Am I not interested in a real relationship because I'm using online material too much?

Yup, probably.  It's easy to take care of your physical needs and just decide not to put up with all the bullshit that comes with a real world relationship.

 

 

Is it affecting my mental well being?

Yup, probably.  With the bullshit can (in a healthy relationship) come critical things like emotional support, something that is sorely lacking (especially for males) in this country.

 

 

Am I just not much of a people person and am reading far to much into my substitute for a form of intimacy I still wouldn't pursue even if I didn't have access to porn?

 

No way of knowing, really, until and unless you get away from the porn and see if you are indeed interested in perusing the real thing.

 

 

Am I exploring that in an unhealthy manner? 

 

Eh.  Some would say yes, others would say no.  The definition of addiction, as I understand it, is basically 'Actions which prevent you from taking "normal" actions/ prevent you from having a normal life/ the life you want for yourself.'  The question is 'If you were not doing X, would you be doing Y instead?'  ie 'If you weren't using porn, would you pursue the real thing?'  Thing is, this seems to assume that the socially accepted way of doing things is the "correct" way.  It may not be correct for YOU, however.

 

 

How many other people have these same worries and don't know when they need to make changes?

 

LOTS.  Many, many, many people have these issues.  Your are NOT alone!  It's one of the major problems stemming from the high availability of porn these days.  It's waayyy too easy to lose yourself in porn at the expense of real world relationships of that type.  On the other hand, there are plenty of really nasty things the real world has as well (like disease, cheating, the legal system, etc.) so plenty of negative stuff to avoid in the safety of porn.  It's a major trade off, in multiple respects.  It could be a balance, though some people consciously choose not to balance it.

 

 

Time on sexual material, usually ranging from ten minutes to an hour or so (almost never in one solid chunk, it's sort of spaced out between other things) on most days.

 

Ten minutes?  That's not much.  An hour?  Again, depends on what else you have to do, and weather or not that is interfering with the other things you have to do.  I once knew someone with such a high libido that she'd multi-task, as it was the only way she could get things done.  That was normal for her.  What's normal for you?

 

Sexual education in schools needs a significant overhaul

 

No doubt about that.  I couldn't believe how they told the physical but left everything else about interacting with the opposite sex, including consequences, completely out of the statement.  I could open a whole new multi-page thread on the problems of education in this country.

 

 

One of the main problems with porn, at least commercial grade porn, is that it leaves people with totally unrealistic expectations of themselves and others.     Looking at the age range of the vast majority of these people and they're not over 30 years old.  Many have either "perfect", or "better than average" bodies / body parts.  One of the statements I've seen around is "If someone's decided to have sex with you, that means that the physical stuff doesn't matter, so quit worrying about it!"  Sounds true, but given the perfectness that porn has drilled into peoples' brains?  I'm not so sure it's accurate.  Trust is my biggest hangup.  Being worried she won't like me physically is the second.  Again: You're not alone in those fears.

[Just Checking]

AKM, thanks for the reply.  I've had people who are close to me, that don't know about my porn concerns but do know I have some hangups, suggest I see someone to get some help on the things that stress me out, I guess I've just never been actually brave enough to do it.  That might sound kind of stupid, but part of me is worried it won't help.

39 minutes ago, AKM said:

One of the main problems with porn, at least commercial grade porn, is that it leaves people with totally unrealistic expectations of themselves and others.     Looking at the age range of the vast majority of these people and they're not over 30 years old.  Many have either "perfect", or "better than average" bodies / body parts.  One of the statements I've seen around is "If someone's decided to have sex with you, that means that the physical stuff doesn't matter, so quit worrying about it!"  Sounds true, but given the perfectness that porn has drilled into peoples' brains?  I'm not so sure it's accurate.  Trust is my biggest hangup.  Being worried she won't like me physically is the second.  Again: You're not alone in those fears.

In this regard I like to think I've always been fairly grounded in reality, I've always been able to look at porn and say to myself "Well that doesn't look comfortable for anyone involved".  Like anyone else I have hangups on my body but I know it's not bad, just that it could be better.  Comparing myself to models and pornstars has never really been my issue, thank god.  Thanks again for weighing in.  I don't talk about this stuff with people I know because how the hell do you broach the subject of worrying you have a porn addiction?  Luckily, I can hide behind a veil of anonymity and actually express my concerns and get some advice.  That's probably actually another reason I haven't gotten any counseling or anything.  Who wants to admit this kind of stuff to someone standing right in front of them?  I understand doctor-patient confidentiality, and of course these people make their livelihoods helping others overcome this stuff and worse, but that's still a terrifying step.

 

Maybe I just need to psyche myself up a bit and actually look into services in my area.

[サマエル]

On 12/27/2019 at 2:01 AM, Guest said:

Inspire

Please be very careful and do not trust any motivational"coaching" youtuber, they always see their audience only as bags of money with legs and I must say that this guy seems like a quack who sells books full of obvious "answers". It is always better to seek actual professional help

 

51 minutes ago, AKM said:

 

Two things.  1. See a doctor (medical) about mental issues and possibly 2. A psychologist or the like.  A trained professional.  This is a nice place for advice, but if it's really bothering you that much, you shouldn't be seeking or taking advice from strangers on the internet, much less taking such advice seriously.  That said, my take:

 

 

This is but one of the topics at hand that I can use to cause myself anxiety.

 

Right, no doubt about it, get yourself some help if this is causing you issues of any form. Anxiety is a real thing, and it's not just the porn you're dealing with.  Sounds like the porn questions are stemming from the anxiety issues.  You really should go see a professional about this.

 

This

[Mr. Otaku]

8 hours ago, サマエル said:

Please be very careful and do not trust any motivational"coaching" youtuber, they always see their audience only as bags of money with legs and I must say that this guy seems like a quack who sells books full of obvious "answers". It is always better to seek actual professional help

That's what happens with most of these "help" things, it's a lucrative business. You wonder why pick up artists are so relentless in their approach to their customers? Giving them promises of "magical results" and such? Or for that matter the whole "pills" phenomenon, you have blue, red, purple, white, black, you name it. Turning simple stuff, often non-issues and turning them into convoluted psuedo-science to make themselves feel special. 

When you question these people they lash out in an absurd way, very militant in nature. That's because they see it as a threat to their business. Going to a pick up artist's comment section and saying that he's just being a con and way overselling things is a threat to his business, and the people that have already bought into the whole thing knee deep will violently resist too, the whole buyer's remorse thing. It's why religious people are so adamant about defending their religions, the idea that they've all been conned for their entire lives is s scary reality to digest.

 

If some Dudebro McDouche comes around making promises of manliness and "alphaness" then 101/100 he's just conning you to sell his overpriced snake oil course.

[AKM]

On 2/13/2020 at 12:54 AM, Just Checking said:

Maybe I just need to psyche myself up a bit and actually look into services in my area.

This.  I looked at LovsersLab for probably six months before I joined.  Same with DeviantArt.  The hang up was 'Do I really want to take this step?', knowing full well that the powers that be log absolutely everything that happens online, which led to questioning 'Am I okay with the fact that I frequent such sites might get out to family/friends/work at some point?'.  Eventually, I convinced myself to think: "Oh, wait, it's my life, not theirs, and I'll do what makes me happy, and to hell with what they think."  I've found some pretty interesting people in both places, and have also found what I was looking for as well (good mods and good art respectively).  Even to the point where I have an MLP related print from DeviantArt framed on the wall - the first time I've ever framed anything.

So yes, it's your life, and you have to decide what's right for you, and then live with the consiquences.