Tamaria - "And he's all like, ooo lemme guess someone took your sweetroll, and then i'm like lemme guess someone took your heart, and then FWAM! Yanked his heart right outta his chest, and ate it, true story,"

Shepard - "That's uuuugh...nice....who are you again?"

Tamaria - "Yea and so basically, that's how most of my day was. Killed a few town guards, put a couple baskets over people's heads, and then i fought and killed 5 bandits with one arrow...well 4, the 5th died of a heart attack, not fair to count him.

*Door creeks open, someone enters*

Arngeir - "Tamaria, there you are..we have to have a talk abo-"

Tamaria - "Oh hey Arngy, didn't expect to see you here, lemme introduce you to my friend over here,"

Shepard - "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite bar on the citadel,"

Arngeir - "Excuse me what? Who? Why? Why do i sense a temporial distortion on this man Tamaria!?! Who is he??"

Tamaria - "Arngy you needa clear out your ears, silly. He's Commander Shepard and this is his favori-"

 

Arngeir - "I understand that part, i mean who is he as in why is he emanating an aura not of this realm!"

 

Tamaria - "Ooooh, that! Well he's from the year 2186, i know right! He's a total caveman from the past, it's the 4th era he must be freaking out. Anyway i used that Elder Scroll i used to kick Alduin's ass and found this guy. He's so funny, apparently where he's from he has these things called cars, they're like horses but instead of riding ontop of them you ride in them, and when they get tired you stick oil in their butt to make them go faster,"

Arngeir - "...w...what?"

 

Tamaria - "That's what i said,"

Shepard - "Please maybe you can help me, i don't know what's going on, but i need to get back to fight the reap-"

Tamaria "Reapers, reapers, reapers! That's all you ever talk about, we're on a date, stop being so dull. I know you cavemen have never seen a Lich before but get over it, they're not that impressive, and they're not Reapers. So clam it, and stop talking about your Mass Erection or whatever, or do you want me to stick another pouch of Fire Salts up your bum, hmm?"

Shepard - "*gulp*...i'll be quite,"

Arngeir - "Gods be damned Tamaria! This is what i'm talking about, you're abusing you're powers and access as Dovahkiin! You've been being a nuissance to all of Skyrim since you came back from Solstheim!"

Tamaria - "Nuissance, whaddya talkin' bout?"

 

Arngeir - "The staff from the Palace Of Kings have been sending complaints about you dancing on the hall table, inebriated and naked!"

Tamaria - "WHOOOOOOOOOOO! THE WIND AGAINST MY CAAAAKES!

Tamaria - "WHOOOOOOOO, GUESS WHAT'S ON THE MENU TONIGGGGHT! SWEET BUNS AND SAAAAAUSAAAGE!!!

Guard 1 - "...should...should we do something about that?"

 

Guard 2 - "Gods no! You see what she did to the last guard that tried something,"

 

Guard 1 - "Summoned a daedric mudcrab...out his arse....i didn't even think summoning could be that...precise,"

 

Guard 2 - "Yep, so you bet i'm staying my ass right here, plus...this is kinda hot,"

 

Guard 1 - "You're a creep,"

 

Guard 2 "And you're still here watchin with me,"

 

Guard 1 - "shuttup,"

Tamaria - "If the gods didn't want me to dance on tables naked, they wouldn't of invented wine,"

 

Arngeir - "Then how about the time you burned down the Bannered Mare in Whiterun, and set everyone inside on fire!"

Tamaria - ".....ok, so i maaaay have messed up with my fireball juggling trick,"

Patron - "YOU DAEDRIC BITCH!! IT WASN'T EVEN THAT FUNNY!!! ARRRRGGGHH MY BODY!!!!!"

Tamaria - "Sheesh..tough crowd,"

Tamaria - "They survived didn't they, a couple of third degree burns, but isn't all that RAWR BATTLE SCARS nonsense what those Nords are into, they should thank me,"

 

Arngeir - "OR HOW ABOUT THE TIME YOU SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AN ELDERLY HOUSEMAID OF THE JARL'S COURT!!!!"

 

Ilfred - "No No No! Don't come dirtying up this carpet i just cleaned with your disgusting elf feet!"

Tamaria - "Oh no you didn't bitch!"

Tamaria - "I'll show you how dirty a elf i am, getcho ass over here!"

 

Ilfred - "What in the!!! What is that!

 

Tamaria - "My break-a-bitch stick! And you're bouta get broken you saggy mound of sag...sagginess!"

Ilfred - "Guards! Help! Someone Help!"

 

Tamaria - "Don't run now bitch! Get your saggy buttcheeks back here!"

Tamaria - "PREPARE YOUR ANUS!"

Tamaria - ".....i regret nothing,"

 

Arngeir - "And I'm not even gonna start about what you subjected those poor orphan children to!"

 

Tamaria - "They died a heroic death,"

 

Arngeir - "YOU USED THEM AS FODDER FOR A CATAPULT AIMED AT NAZEEM'S HOUSE!!!!

 

Tamaria - "Like i said, heroic. The more holes in that asshole's roof the better. Lets see how much he loves living in the cloud district when it starts raining,"

Arngeir - "Gods Damnit! I've had enough of this Tamaria we-"

 

Barkeep - "Uuuuuuugh,braaaaains"

 

Arngeir - "........."

 

Tamaria - "Ok i can explain,"

Tamaria - "Earlier i tried to show the barkeep how good i was at juggling knives...and he found out that I'm not very good at juggling knives. So being the responsible person i am, i reanimated him instead of letting him be termite chow,"

*Arngeir fiercely punches the barkeep in the face, breaking his reanimation*

Tamaria - "Great! Just great Arngy, now you made a huge smelly pile of corpsey stuff..i'm not cleaning that shit up,"

Arngeir - "......we're going back to High Hrothgar.....we're having an intervention, and i'm inviting everyone,"

 

Tamaria - "Don't worry Arngy we'll help you out with whatever problem you got,"

 

Arngeir - "...."

 

Tamaria - ".....aw shit it's for me! Noo! You know what happened last time!!!...this is gonna suck.."