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Tamaria's Intervention Part 2 : A silly random Skyrim Story


MissyB

1,446 views

Tamaria's Intervention Part 2

So since I mad a blog I was given the suggestion of putting my skyrim stories in it, which sounds like a good Idea, so the following tale is basically about all the wild and goofy shenanigans my main character Tamaria gets herself into, enjoy :3

~At High Hrothgar~

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Arngeir - "You know what truly astounds me?"

 

Tamaria - "I'm sure alot of things astound you at your old age arngy but please, do tell?"

 

Arngeir - "Your choice of attire...it's nothing but snow and blizzard the entire hike up here, and you barely have enough clothes on to cover your posterior...how do you function?"

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Tamaria - "Ugh, what are you my mom now? Arngy I'm pretty sure bandits don't care about what the person that's about to chop their head off is wearing, and...awwww Arngy you were lookin at my butt,"

 

Arngeir - "Wha..no..I'm just saying that rational and armored clothing is more.."

 

Tamaria - "That's so cute, you were takin a peek at my sweetroll, you know if you wanna bite all you have to do is ask,"

 

Arngeir - "That would be highly inapropriate,"

 

Tamaria - "Yeah, plus what are you like 500? Can you even function? Like do you need a stick to hold it up? Do you even shave? I mean you greaybeards are hairy, you might have a mystical forest down there, you might give me rugburn or somethin,"

 

Arngeir - "Uuuuuugh, divines preserve me,"

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Arngeir - "Here, we're at the meeting room. I've gathered some of your known acquaintances, they're here to discuss the same griefs with your behaviour that I am,"

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Tamaria - "Lydiiiiaaaa! How ya doin bestfriend? It's been awhile since I've seen you, I thought you were dead, but then again you do end up getting killed like everyother week,"

 

Lydia - "Which your usually responsible for, my thane,"

 

Tamaria - "Meh, i eventually remember where your corpse is and revive you, plus you're "Sworn to carry my burdens," right? So chillax,"

 

Lydia - "My thane I say this with all the power of being a appointed housecarl of the Jarl's court....fuck you<"

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Tamaria - "ssss, and this is why I use you as troll bait,"

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Tamaria - "Ooooh and its my sister of the order of creepy hairy wolves, whassup Aela?"

 

Aela - "Not much besides a few cracked ribs, and me being deaf in one ear,"

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Tamaria - "That's great to hear! See Lydia Aela isn't such a bitch about being canon fodder, you should take note,"

 

Aela - "I was being sarcastic"

 

Tamaria - "I think there's a potion for that,"

 

Aela - "..........how do you even..forget it"

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Tamaria - "Wow you just found a whole circus of people, i feel like it's my birthday..whoa whoa wait a minute, babe what are you doing here?"

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Varnella - "As much as I love you dear wife, I agree that the decisions you have been making have been slightly inconsiderate as of late,"

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Marcurio - "pfffft, why don't you give her some damn taffy since you're sweet coating this, "slightly" my ass,"

 

Arngeir - "Tamaria, would you kindly take a seat so we may begin,"

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Tamaria - "Huuuh, alright. Now I know how jarl's feel, alright peasants tell me how butthurt you all are,"

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Brelyna - "I'd like to go first, Tamaria, you are my friend, but you are a mentally confused person, and you're a terrible archmage,"

 

Tamaria - "oooh, sweet talking, and you didn't even buy me dinner first,"

 

Brelyna - "The college faculty and staff have been under constant terror since u became our lead, hell J'zargo's still recovering from his incident,"

 

Tamaria - "Aww jeez are you still on this?"

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Tamaria - "Ok..so what the fuck am I looking at?

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Brelyna - "J'zargo used a damaged scroll of poisonous cloaking and made himself sick. He's been crawling around the hall in pain,"

 

J'Zargo - "J'zargo is in very much pain, J'zargo feels as if a thousand suns are burning in his chest, J'zargo will never buy scrolls from M'aiq again, J'zargo believes he is a complete liar,"

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Tamaria - "Well what in oblivion do you want me to do?"

 

Brelyna - "Use restoration magic,"

 

Tamaria - "I forgot which spell that is, I usually just shoot ice spikes at people,"

 

Brelyna - "What does that cure???"

 

Tamaria - "Me having to listen to their shit,"

 

Brelyna - "..are you serious? You're the archmage, you should know at least a novice restoration spell,"

 

Tamaria - "I just got here, what about you, you're a damn apprentice,"

 

Brelyna - "I don't know restoration,"

 

Tamaria - "So why are you bothering me about it?"

 

Brelyna - "CAUSE YOU'RE THE DAMN ARCHMAGE! Why would they make you head mage if you don't know restoration,"

 

Tamaria - "I've been asking myself this all week, but hey free food,"

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J'zargo - "COUGH! BLARGH!"

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J'zargo - "J'zargo believes he has coughed up a lung, J'zargo finds it very hard to breathe now, J'zargo does not like this,"

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Tamaria - "J'zargo needs to shut the fuck up, and hold on a second,"

 

Brelyna - "Are you seriously looking through a spell tome right now? You're supposed to know this!"

 

Tamaria - "Remember when I said i usually use Ice Spikes..you're about to have one in your neck if you don't get off me,"

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Tamaria - "Now lemme see here. Ice spike, very tempting but no. Chain lightning, no. Summon daedric mudcrab succubus, creepy as shit, but i'll save that for later...no..no..no,"

 

J'zargo - "J'zargo believes his left testicle has exploded, J'zargo is in pain unamaginable....J'zargo has now urinated on himself,"

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Tamaria - "I can't fuckin find this, HEY ONMUND!!!! WHAT PAGE IS RESTORATION ON?"

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Onmund - "Try looking at the table of contents, it has page numbers and everything,"

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J'zargo - "J'zargo knows the nord mage knows healing, J'zargo will remember this display of assholishness,"

 

Onmund - "What? Sorry can't hear you over the sound of this lightning and you dying,"

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Tamaria - "Alright everyone calm the fuck down, I think i found a spell that's restoration..well it looks like it anyway,"

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Brelyna - "THAT'S NOT A FUCKING RESTORATION SPELL!

 

Tamaria - "Ooops...wrong page,"

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J'zargo - "J'zargo is now on fire, J'zargo is suffering pain that he cannot even begin to explain, J'zargo is still in enormous pain, J'zargo will have vengeance you big butted bitch....J'zargo is still in severe pain but is slightly aroused...now J'zargo is just in pain now...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

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Tamaria - "wow....he is burnt to a crisp,"

 

Brelyna - "................"

 

Tamaria - "I'll admit...I kinda dropped the ball on this one,"

 

Brelyna - "..........."

 

Tamaria - "....you think using an Ice Spike would help freeze off those flames?"

 

Brelyna - "........"

 

Tamaria - "yeeeaa, I shoulda just did that in the beginning I know"

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Brelyna - "......."

 

Tamaria - "He smells pretty good though,"

 

Brelyna - "........."

 

Tamaria - "Hey, well I'll just say this, J'zargo sure is one hot pussy, hahahahahahahahha!"

 

Brelyna - "......."

 

Tamaria - "hahahahah...haha..ha....dude you're such a stick in the mud,"

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Tamaria - "cats have nine lives, you're argument is invalid,"

 

Brelyna - "THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE THE FACT YOU SET HIM ON FIRE!!!!"

 

Tamaria - "Really tempted to whip out an Ice Spike right now...."

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Varnella - "I'd like to go next. You've turned our kids into ignorant loudmouthed hooligans,"

 

Tamaria - "Just an FYI, they already were ignorant loud mouthed hooligans, I just made them useful,"

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Tamaria - "Now listen here mommy's little mistakes, I'm gonna be going out to rape vampires in the butt with pitchforks,"

 

Belinda - "wait..wha-"

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Tamaria - "But before I leave I decided I'd give you guys a gift, mommy is too busy to remember when my favorite lil accidents were born, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY! SPECIAL GIFT TIME!"

 

Joshua - "but it's not our-"

 

Tamaria - "Don't interrupt mommy while talking or she'll conjure a daedric mudcrab to eat your hearts okay?"

 

Joshua & Belinda - "............"

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Tamaria - "Now before mommy leaves she's gonna teach you the power of the thome...trume..tohome..tuhume...Aw fuck it I forget how to say it, mommy's gonna teach you how to fuck shit up,"

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Joshua - "Wait mommy, other mommy told us never ever ever, to listen to anything you tell us, because if we do, we're gonna end up as conceited, murdering rapists,"

 

Tamaria - "You say that like it's a bad thing,"

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Tamaria - "Anyway kids, time to stop acting like lil pussies and learn how to become awesome gods like me,"

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Varnella - "dear, what are you doing, I'm hearing you talk about some very strange stuff,"

 

Tamaria - "uhh...."

 

Belinda - "Mom was gonna teach us the thu'um,"

 

Tamaria - "You lil fuckin snitch! Why I never pulled out is beyond me,"

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Varnella - "DAMMIT TAMARIA! How many times must I tell you, I don't want our children knowing these mystical god powers! I want us to be a normal family, I'm tired of daedric mudcrabs pinching my ass, cuz u won't stop summoning them! I'm tired of u shooting Ice Spikes at every deer i get thinking it'll give it flavor! I just want you to sit down, and stop being so damn abnormal!"

 

Tamaria - "Kids, this is perfect. Now the point of this shout I'm gonna teach you is to deal with shit like this. Whenever someone is in your face, talking a whole buncha shit you don't wanna hear, harness your inner dragon spirit, lean back, open wide, and shout-"

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Tamaria - "MOVE BITCH!!!!! GET OUT THE WAAAAAY!!!!" *BWOOOOOSH*

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Varnella - "AAAAARGH!!!"

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Varnella - ".....ugh.......ouch,"

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Belinda - "So mom, what your saying is..you're giving an ancient nordic technique that has been crafted and honed for centuries upon centuries, that has even been used to usurp kings, and conquer kingdoms...to two 5 year olds,"

 

Tamaria - "yea, what could go wrong?"

 

Joshua - "And no repercussions for what we do?"

 

Tamaria - "What's that? Can you eat it?"

 

*Belinda & Joshua look at each other and grin*

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Belinda & Joshua - "Best...not....birthday...ever,"

 

~3 hours later~

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MOVE BITCH!!! GET OUT THE WAAAAY *BOOOWSH*

 

Farmer - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

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Guard 1 - "Hey, whassup,"

 

Guard 2 - "not much,"

 

Guard 1 - "....so um, what's with all the screaming and yelling,"

 

Guard 2 - "Oh, those damn dovah kids, have been running around the markets shouting at anything that moves,"

 

Guard 1 - "...shouting?"

 

Guard 2 - "Yea, they're the Dragonborn's kids, they're using the thome or some shit. At first I thought it was a giant invasion the way people were gettin launched up into the air,"

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Guard 1 - "um...aren't we gonna do something about that?"

 

Guard 2 - "Me? no, i'm on break, you be my guest, we sent Jenkins down there to get them to stop so if he doesn't-"

 

MOVE BITCH!!! GET OUT THE WAAAAY *BOOOWSH*

 

Jenkins - "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

 

Guard 2 - "Aaaaand, there goes Jenkins, ooo new highscore, 345 ft,"

 

Guard 1 - "You're making a game outta this?"

 

Guard 2 - "Yep, I call it launch-A-Peasant. I like to see how high they get before they..you know..fall to their deaths,"

 

Guard 1 - "That's terrible!"

 

Guard 2 - "And entertaining,"

 

MOVE BITCH!!! GET OUT THE WAAAAY *BOOOWSH*

 

Nazeem - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"

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Guard 1 - "...is that..is that that Nazeem guy?"

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Guard 2 - "Hah! looks like he does get to the cloud district often,"

 

Guard 1 - "....shut up..that wasn't even...no,"

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Guard 1 - "You know why don't we just tell the Dovahkiins to move out, if they cause this much trouble,"

 

Guard 2 - "Hah! Sure, you can be the one who tells the bitch who hunts dragons for a living to move out...plus have you seen her ass....whoa,"

 

Guard 1 - "You...you can't be serious?"

 

Guard 2 - "I know that ass is serious,"

 

Guard 1 - ".....huuuh..why do I even-"

 

MOVE BITCH!!! GET OUT THE WAAAAY *BOOOWSH*

 

Jarl Balgruuf - "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

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Guard 1 - "wa....was that the jarl???"

 

Guard 2 - ".....yep...I think so,"

 

Guard 1 - "And...we're still not gonna do anything?"

 

Guard 2 - "yep,"

 

Guard 1 - "We're terrible city guards,"

 

Guard 2 - "Welcome to whiterun babe,"

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Tamaria - "I can honestly say I've never been more proud of anything in my entire life...fuck Nazeem..those kids made me proud,"

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Varnella - "That's not all, our neighbor's have been complaining about apparitions haunting their houses,"

 

Tamaria - "The fuck does that have to do with me?"

 

Varnella - 'Ever since Arngeir taught you that Become Ethereal shout, I know you've been using it to fuck with our neighbors!"

 

Arngeir - "Gods dammit.I'm not even sure I wanna hear this,"

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Amren - "Dear, did you hear, the nords have been saying there's a ghost going around in people's homes. Doing..weird and indecent things. Some have even said, every time you yawn...a ghost sticks it's dick in your mouth,"

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Saffir - "Amren shut up,"

 

Amren - "But that's what the nords say,"

 

Saffir - "If the nord's said that Sheogorath was the Champion Of Cyrodil would you believe that too! Don't bother me with this stupid nonsense I'm cooking!"

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Amren - "I'm just saying-"

 

Saffir - "Well stop saying, you sound stupid,"

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Saffir - "Now, go get the table ready, dinner's..dinne...*yaaaaawn* See all this talk of bullshit actually has me tired, *yaaaawn*

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Tamaria - "OOOooooh yeaaa, open wide, mmmm, that's what i'm talkin bout,"

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Saffir - "See Amren, you're nordic tales are bullshit!"

 

Tamaria - "OOOooo, they're bullshit alright,"

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Tamaria - "......WHO YA GONNA CALL? NUTBUSTERS!!! Hhahahahahha...ha...hmm..yea.. I supposed nobody would find that funny,"

 

Aela - While we're on the topic of you doing perverted shit, lemme tell them why my ribs are broken,"

 

Tamaria - "uuuuugh here we go,"

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Aela - "Harbiner, we've been trying to track this giantess for weeks, she's been killing farm animals, and destroying trade caravans,"

 

Tamaria - "Uh-huh"

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Aela - "she's been eating goats, and even some residents near Rorikstead,"

 

Tamaria - "Uh-huh,"

 

Aela - "And she even-"

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Tamaria - Hoooly shit! Look at her ass!!!!"

 

Aela - "..wha..what?"

 

Tamaria - "Her ass! It's huuuge!,"

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Aela - "I don't see what that-"

 

Tamaria - "I'm gonna try to fuck it, cover me,"

 

Aela - "wait, WHAT!!!!

 

Tamaria - "shhhhhh, cover me, I'm the harbinger so do what I say,"

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Aela - "...I can't believe I'm sitting here waiting for her to try to fuck this thing...is she serious,"

 

Aela - "By Hiricine, she better make this quick, my fingers gettin itchy,"

 

Aela - "wait.....why is she running back this way? Why does the giant look incredibly pissed..oh no"

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Tamaria - "ABORT MISSION! I REPEAT ABORT MISSION! GIANT'S DON'T LIKE BEING FUCKED IN THE ASS!! RUUUN!"

 

Aela - "WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU-"

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Aela - ".........shit...."

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*THWOOOOOOOOOOOMP!!!!*

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Aela - "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

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Tamaria - "....I wonder if she can see Jorrvaskr from up there,"

 

Guard 2 (far off in the distance) - "OOOOOoooooo NEW HIGHSCORE!!!

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Tamaria - "You came down eventually,"

 

Aela - "ON A CLIFF!!!

 

Tamaria - "....you came down eventually,"

 

MOVE BITCH!!!!! GET OUT THE WAAAAAY!!!! *BWOOOSH*

*The tales are interrupted by one of the greybeards being flung into the meeting room*

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Greybeard - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

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Greybeard - "...I believe...you all..have company,"

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Joshua - "There you are momma, and momma, we've been looking around everywhere for you guys,"

 

Belinda - "Nice parenting...leaving two 5 year olds at home by themselves,"

 

Varnella - "YOU HAD A BABYSITTER!!!!"

 

Joshua - "oooo yea, um, she told us to go to bed to early so..we ..ugh,"

 

Bilenda - "Blasted her out the window, into the lake,"

 

Tamaria - "Hah!"

 

Varnella - "DAMMIT TAMARIA!!"

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

*Bonus* Random smexy shots

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