CHAPTER 19: BACK TO WINTERHOLD
In which our hero decides to finish a damn questline for once in his life, and gets rewarded by becoming a magical archway. Or something like that.
Previous: Intermission 2

Let's see, where was I? Went to Saarthal, found big blue ball, fought renegade wizards, that was fun, found dwemer map thingie, Savos Aren is dead, Ancano is doing evil things, yep, here I am. What's this? Another note? Oh, this one says Hammer 8, Magic 7. I remember this. Screw it, though. I'm not keeping track any more. In fact, I'm going to deliberately try to avoid using magic at all, just to see if it's possible to continue advancing in rank with novice-level mage skills. Sort of a sleep-your-way-to-the-top gig, but in my case it's a cut-your-way-to-the-top-with-a-big-axe.

But before I can get back into the college, apparently I need to destroy some floating glowy things terrorizing the town. Well, I say terrorizing, but since there's nobody outside they're mostly terrorizing innocent snowflakes and the occasional snowberry bush. Still, it's our job to defend the poor snowberry bushes of this land, so we proceed to... kill them? Dissipate them? I don't even know what they are, so I don't know what exactly we're doing to them.

My axe doesn't seem to be doing much to them at all, so I am forced to pull out my magic. Figures. As soon as I make a vow to use magic, my magic is useless, and as soon as I make a vow NOT to use magic, it turns out to be necessary.

Well, mostly necessary. Really, the wizards from the college do most of the work. I tend to think I could have just sat this whole thing out and let them take care of it, but whatever.

After an intense ten-hour battle that consists primarily of me waiting while my mana slowly recharges and Faralda and Arniel run around shooting exploding fireballs that occasionally actually hit the target, all of the floaty balls are dead and I run back across the bridge to the college.

Mirabelle tells me that, in order to contain the power of the Maguffin, I need the Maguffin v2.0. The Staff of Magnus is hidden in Labyrinthian, and she gives me a torc that the arch-mage gave to her, along with another generous helping of cryptic bullshit, which makes me remember exactly why I left the goddamn college in the first place, but I've decided to see this quest through to the end, no matter where it leads or how many of my poor brain cells will die heroic deaths to get there.

As I leave for Labyrinthian, wherein lies the Staff of Magnus, I reflect on how nobody I ever meet seems interested in the knowledge that Ulfric Stormcloak is a Thalmor sleeper agent. I mean, that's kind of a big deal in Skyrim right now. I understand why they don't care at the college, they've got bigger fish to fry, and why Delphine doesn't care either, she's got bigger dragons to bury, but I've met and talked to several other people who just don't give a goddamn about it. I'm starting to get discouraged again, so I take a few swigs of my trusty hip flask and continue on.

I make it to Labyrinthian, slaughter a few trolls, listen to some ghosts, and somehow the torc in my inventory ends up being a door knocker. Convenient that the hiding place for an item I need for this questline is locked up and can only be unlocked by an item carried by someone associated with this questline. Before I start questioning any more, though, I remember about the booze and take a few more swigs. It might take me a few gallons of brandy to get through this, but I'm going to give it a shot.

Inside, I fight some skeletons, some more trolls, draugr, a dragon skeleton ostensibly animated with unholy power but was actually obviously just strung together with some cheap twine, because a couple whacks with my axe and it goes down. I mean, this cavern room is impressive, and when the dragon emerged from the ground I thought it was going to be a tough fight, but... skeletons? Really? Anyway, a few doors locked with elemental magic later (that Shalador, he was another Nord genius, the only way past elemental doors is with elemental magic, nobody would EVER have figured that out!), the ghosts of past explorers are being whittled down one by one. Their magic wasn't enough, which makes perfect sense, because I'd pit my axe against their magic any day of the week.

And there's a voice speaking to me in strange tongues, apparently sourceless, and it's kind of irritating. I say "irritating" because I don't want to actually relate that the first time I heard it I screamed like a small child in a haunted house and spun around slashing my axe at the air, but you won't find me writing that down in print, nosir.

So this sourceless voice is also draining my mana. As I easily cleave another draugr in two with my axe, and as Jenassa fills a troll with so many arrows he's beginning to look like a trollcupine, I reflect on just how much trouble this mana-draining thing is causing me. Which is, in short, absolutely none.

I mean, I guess it might be a slight impediment to the average mage, but considering even the weakest wizard could just, you know, sit down and let his mana recharge, I'm not quite sure what the point is. Has the voice never heard of mana potions? The equilibrium spell? The "wait" function?

Labyrinthian is actually pretty cool, some decent new architecture I've never seen before. And some new enemies... ghostly apparitions of draugr. So they're ghosts of dead guys. I mean, people who died, and then became undead, and then turned into ghosts or something. I have no idea what's going on right now, but it's all very cool and exciting, or it would be if there was anything like a challenge or, you know, an eponymous LABYRINTH, instead of a linear walk down undead-infested corridors, which I've had a bit too much of, to tell the truth.
At the end of the trip, I see three ghosts feeding magical energy into a Dragon Priest named Morokai, who is actually sort of a tough fight. I mean, if he just stood still and let me whack at him he'd go down easy, but he insists on moving around and casting nasty spells. I'm all set to start complaining when I realize that a better AI more intelligent enemies were what I was actually wanting, so I just shut up and try to take this on the chin.

After killing the priest, I grab his mask and staff, and hightail it out of the dungeon. A Thalmor agent greets me and says he's going to kill me and there's no way I can stop his or Ancano's evil plans...

Uh.

So, I just wiped out a dungeon full of guys you couldn't get through because you're not tough enough, I killed a dragon priest you couldn't hope to beat, I grabbed a magical staff that, let's be honest here, is actually pretty good against mages, I just gained a level, I am essentially a god of war compared to you, and you're going to kill me? Let's keep the threats realistic, buddy. I mean, if you'd said you were going to dirty my boots with ash from your burned corpse, then I'd say yep, that's true... honestly, I could fart at you and take you out.

Which I proceed to do, and then I leave. So that torc-that-could-not-be-duplicated-for-some-reason apparently wasn't the only way into the dungeon, it was just the longest possible way around. Standing outside, breathing the fresh Skyrim air, I debate once again whether to just leave it all behind and open up a shop somewhere back in Wayrest, but no, I've made a commitment here to the tune of 59.99 USD for this damn game, I'm going to finish it if it kills me, which it probably will.

Back in Winterhold, there are some more magical floaty balls, and most of the college's members are stuck outside by another magical force field, and nobody can get in... except for those people who are still inside the force field but apparently can't be arsed to actually do anything. I wipe out the barrier with the staff, walk into the hall of the elements, and an absolutely ridiculous fight begins, where I never know exactly at who I am supposed to be shooting at any given time. I mean, sometimes I have to shoot floaty balls, sometimes the eye, and sometimes Ancano, and still don't know exactly how I won that fight, or what I did to win it, or if it was just timed, or what...

And when it's all done, three of the goddamn stupid fucking asshole bastard smarmy idiot moron asshat fluga bruahen murglegurgle...

(pause for a few minutes of breathing exercises)

Three elves teleport in and teleport the big blue ball out, and smarmily tell me that I've met their expectations in bfrualasdsltt piew...

(pause for eight solid hours of breathing exercises)

Okay, enough of this shit. I really can't be bothered going through all the many different ways this is stupid. Tolfdir names me Archmage, which I wonder is anything like a Fire Mage, as in I am a wizard of doorways or something. As a final reward I get... a set of clothes recently pulled off a dead guy.

I just can't explain just how much I'm hating this college right now.

NEXT: FORTH FROM WINTERHOLD

DIARY OF A DRAGONBORN
CHAPTER 20: FORTH FROM WINTERHOLD
In which our hero writes the shortest entry in his diary ever because he's just too damn irritated at recent events to do anything much.

So, they made me Archmage. I know the truth, though. It's just because anyone with any qualifications for the position is dead, and the rest of them looked around, and decided that being on top of the heap is a dangerous proposition, considering recent events particularly. So they held a quick meeting, got the Psijics to drum up some mumbo-jumbo, and voted me in while I wasn't there to participate in the election.

Well, I foxed 'em. I may be archmage, but I'll be damned if I ever come back to this shithole again. I'm headed to Riften. I hear the autumn foliage is nice this time of year. Or any time of year, since the seasons never change here.

Let's go. It's 14 hours to Riften (by fast travel), we've got a horse full of hay, half an inventory full of potions, it's snowing... and we're wearing ebony. Or, rather, I'm wearing ebony. Because there's only one of me. And I don't have a horse, now that I come to think about it, so it can't be full of hay. And my inventory isn't full of potions, but it does have potions in it, so I figure I'm still mostly good here.

Next: Chapter 21, There's A Dragon, Everybody Follow!
Start at Chapter 1