Diary of a Dragonborn Intermission 2
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DIARY OF A DRAGONBORN - INTERMISSION 2: MEET THE PROTAGONIST
In which our hero sits down with an interviewer and answers some of your most pressing questions about himself, Skyrim, and his life.
Previous: Chapter 18, It Was An Accident
Q: Welcome to the show, Mace. Can I call you Mace?
A: Sure, and glad to be here, anonymous interviewer. Can I call you Anonymous?
Q: Uh... sure.
A: Nanny for short.
Q: ...Why not. First question. What's it like to be the Dragonborn, savior of mankind?
A: Well, Nanny, it's really, really, really annoying.
Q: Annoying? Why?
A: Because whenever I walk through town, any town, anywhere, anytime, townsfolk keep coming up to me and asking me to do shit. Like, every person in the world looks at me and sees, not a person, but a thing... an object, a device that can solve their problems. I'm nothing to them, just someone who can deliver their letters and fetch them ingredients and solve local bandit infestations, as if there is no city watch, courier service, or army about.
Q: I never thought about it that way.
A: It's really quite awful. Sure, I get respect, and I'm rich, but what can money and love get you, really? It's quite depressing. I try not to dwell on it.
Q: Well, let's move on to something else then. What do you think of the wildlife in Skyrim?
A: I love it. And I loathe it. I can't walk five steps without getting attacked by wolves, you'd think they'd learn better than to randomly attack humans covered in metal holding big swords... but on the other hand, I love some of the other native life, like mammoths and the giants who herd them.
Q: Speaking of mammoths, how is mammoth cheese actually made?
A: I'd rather not speculate. The giants make it, and it apparently comes from mammoths... we can only hope it has something to do with milk. The alternative is too nasty to contemplate.
Q: Yeah, let's not go there. You once mentioned that you could never be an alchemist. Why is that?
A: Well, really, I could be an alchemist. I just couldn't be a harvester. The first time I tried to catch a butterfly, I ended up tearing its wings off, because the gods have decreed that butterflies are ingredients. Now, I'm okay with killing, really - dragons, bandits, bears, trolls, etcetera... but I draw the line at butterflies and foxes. And I usually avoid killing deer too. Basically, I'll cheerfully slaughter anything that attacks me first; I just don't like attacking innocents. And for the record, I do not consider humans or elves innocent.
Q: Speaking of killing things, how does it feel to kill a dragon?
A: Not much different from killing anything else. Really, there's no real difference between fighting a dragon and fighting any other big creature, like a mammoth or giant. You poke at it with a piece of metal on a stick for a while and try to avoid getting squashed. It's what happens afterwards that's the kicker.
Q: Yes, you absorb dragon souls. Let's talk about that for a minute.
A: It's the most skeezy feeling ever. It's like this greasy electricity that invades every pore of my skin. As the power passes into me, I can feel the soul of the dragon... sometimes they kind of mutter at me, but most of the time they're just resigned to the situation. Like, they're just going to sit... somewhere... inside me... until the day I die, when they can be free again. Being Dragonborn is NOT a barrel of laughs, let me tell you.
Q: We know that you're the Dragonborn, the one destined to contend with Alduin the World-Eater at the End of Time, but what besides that do you feel is your greatest claim to fame?
A: Well, I'd have to say it's my ability to eat seventy cheese wheels, sixteen apples, four tomatoes, three pies, twelve flowers, nine bottles of wine including the glass bottle apparently, five bowls of mammoth "cheese," eighty-seven eggs, and a vial of dwemer oil all at once without vomiting. I may be able to absorb dragon souls, but my real talent is winning eating contests.
Q: On the subject of food, what is your favorite?
A: Most things that are not animal byproducts. No, I'm not a vegetarian, but the thought of chowing down on another raw giant's toe or hacked-off skeever tail makes me nauseous. I've been subsisting on a garlic-and-onion diet for some time now, which may explain why nobody likes to get close to me anymore. Some nice spiced wine on cold winter nights goes down well too.
Q: No mead?
A: No.
Q: What is your problem with mead, anyway?
A: Well, honestly I don't have a problem with mead, per se. It's the Nords who keep on swilling the damn stuff that get to me. They're obsessed with fermented honey. I just think that without mead, Skyrim would probably be a lot better off. More civilized, at any rate. Stupid Nords... they're obsessed with the shit.
Q: But... you're a Nord!
A: Yeah, but remember, I was raised in a Redguard family. I don't identify with the Nords. Olfred Battle-Born has it right - they're all a bunch of pelt-wearing axe-dragging backward imbeciles. I mean, here's a good example, take a look at their so-called "architecture." Most of their cities are falling apart, and I'm not just talking about Winterhold here. Whiterun itself, the self-styled "jewel" of Skyrim... even before the city got bombarded during the siege, it was falling apart. The stone outer walls were crumbling, reinforced with shoddy wooden fences, and nobody actually seemed interested in doing anything about it. Now consider Stros M'kai , a real jewel of civilization. Beautiful towers surmount a well-kept city, even the outer defensive walls are works of art, lovingly crafted and maintained by skilled artisans.
Q: Uh, okay. Related to architecture, what is your favorite city, or town, in Skyrim?
A: Probably some place beginning with a W, R, or M. There can't be too many of those, can there?
Really, if I had to pick, it'd probably be Markarth. I know I made a big deal out of it being all stone and metal, but it's actually quite well maintained, as long as you stay out of Understone Keep. It's a beautiful piece of engineering and artwork rolled into one, well designed for defense while at the same time being a place you can really see yourself settling down in. And I just love the Reach, its misty crags and towering spires of living rock. If there were no people there, Nords or Forsworn criminals or whatever, it'd be perfect.
Q: Speaking of criminals, you were recently arrested. Tell us about that.
A: The guards in Skyrim are arseholes, man. I mean, here I am, savior of mankind, I just killed a dragon that was freezing people solid, eating guards, landing on houses and causing structural damage and just generally ruining everyone's day... and this dude runs up to me and says I've committed crimes against Skyrim. Because I shouted at the dragon and a guy who had the bad judgment to be standing in the way got hit. It didn't even do any damage to him! But apparently "saving the world" is classified as "assault" in Skyrim's ass-backwards legal system, so I had to do a night in jail. That's all there was to it. It had nothing to do with the other fifty murders on my rap sheet, despite what the court documents say. And if you want to avoid being number fifty-one, I'd suggest we move along here.
Q: Aah... okay. We're about out of time, so one last question. If you could re-do any one thing you've done since crossing the border into Skyrim, what would you do differently?
A: ...Not crossing the border would probably top my list.
Q: And that's a wrap, folks! Stay tuned next week for another edition of "Meet the Protagonist," we'll be talking with Gordon Freeman, and undoubtedly answering our own questions, since he doesn't actually speak. Thank you, Mace Raiden, for being on the show today.
A: You're welcome, Nanny. It's been a pleasure. Honest. Now where's my payment your people promised?
Q: Goodnight everyone!
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