The Mouse

[Odessa]

I returned to my apartment earlier and entered the kitchen. Here I encountered the mouse. The mouse had not been there when I left, and the mouse and I had had no formal acquaintance in the past. The mouse was still and I knew something needed to be done to solve the situation. I feared were the mouse to remain in the apartment, it would cause undue anxiety to myself.

 

However, unfortunately no one has ever seen it pragmatic or worthwhile to teach me how to hunt, so all I know was taught by observing domestic cats. In this situation, undoubtedly however, the cat is in possession of a certain wisdom. Conveniently there was an empty bucket between myself, and the mouse. I crept up upon the mouse and aimed the bucket just ahead of him, predicting the mouse would move forward. Successfully I ensnared the mouse, and in fact the tail of the mouse was caught under the rim. I put on thick leather gloves and grabbed the mouse by the tail, then I dropped the mouse into the now upright bucket.

 

The mouse was large with a fur-less tail, and I wonder were the mouse in fact a rat. The residence of the mouse within the bucket left me with a dilemma, were I to release the mouse, the mouse could come back, and most likely the mouse would return accompanied by friends, having established I was a soft touch. However, as the mouse is a vertebrate, the microwave is surely inhumane. I considered eating the mouse, since this seemed moral were I to terminate the animal.

 

In the end, I drowned the mouse. The mouse took around five or ten minutes hopelessly swimming, sinking, coming up for air, etc. I then checked all my food accessible from the floor and could discover no evidence of theft. This left me feeling somewhat like a sociopath.  However, I need to ensure no more mice roam the warrens of my home. I decided some compassion was necessary to overcome any further guilt, thus I have poisoned 33% of the food in my house, but detailed which ones on a note taped at mouse level on the fridge. Of course, the note is written in German, as I must create a challenge.

 

In fact, I have the final laugh, as unknown to any particularly intelligent remaining instances of the mouse, I have also spiked 33% of the food in my house with contraceptives.

 

This seemed the most logical course of action.

[Content Consumer]

It is a little-known fact that mice contain an internal egg-sack, the fertilization of which is achieved by dousing the sack in water. By drowning the mouse, you actually allowed the liquid catalyst to penetrate the inside of the mouse, whereupon it dissolved the outer sack, freeing the eggs, which undoubtedly hatched instantly.

By morning, you will be overrun.

Get out while you can.

 

p.s. The German was a nice touch, for it is well known that mice neither speak nor read German. Mice in Germany speak and read exclusively Japanese.

[DoctaSax]

I move we pre-emptively lock all mouse-related threads to prevent frivolous litigation by Disney.