For months now I’ve been lost within a deep depression. My self-confidence plunged after the move to my grandfathers’ property. I’m introverted, so naturally I overindulged in the new seclusion I had. Not having to show up day after day to a mundane, corporate job and having the silence to hear my own thoughts was incredibly seductive. The shack is obviously beat up, but I began to trash it further as I watched my skin grow pale and my personal hygiene slip. However, it proved that the, though shallow, interactions I had with coworkers or the local barista were keeping my head above water. I knew I needed more people in my life.

This behavior, delusional yet completely real, is not unfamiliar to me. I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve found that most people around me didn’t understand. Usually, I got a firm slap on the back followed by advice to “man up” or “stop being a pussy”.  In the moment I let their words sit with me and I can temporarily, perhaps for that day or for a few hours, believe that I’m just being ungrateful and selfish. I pick myself up by the bootstraps and continue with whatever I’m doing with false vigor. This, in case you’ve ever wondered, explains why a loved one might say after a suicide, “I never knew he was depressed. He was always so happy”.

Lately, when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. My dark eyes sunken, muscles withered, beard out of control – this shell of a man disgusts me.

I’ve been black-out drinking almost every night and wake up in the morning reaching for more. The days merge and when I open my eyes to see a glowing, orange sky, I’m not sure whether the sun is rising or setting.

I find reprieve in my sexual fantasies, since I can’t seem to manage real sex.  

I imagine a busty blonde, teasing me with a preview of what’s to come by willingly exposing her tits and her tiny, pink hole

Before I know it, she’s mounted and riding my horse cock. She’s an animal too, and she can take it all. Her pussy stretches taught around the thickest part; she cries out every time she stretches that wide. But she wants more, she loves when her pussy swells from the beating and lord knows I do too.

Her big, fleshy tits wobble in my face – they spill from my hands as I squeeze them.

That has been one of my most frequented fantasies – a simple one to make my dick swell and then release, making a huge mess. Yes, with a huge dick comes massive amounts of cum. But lately I’ve needed more than this blonde fantasy. While it’s nice to imagine a horny woman spreading and begging for me, I want to demand it from her. I’m tired of sex being all about what the woman is comfortable with. What about me? I’ve lived my life so concerned about not hurting women, but because of that I’m now a fucking loner.

I know I need to make some real changes here; I need to clean myself up and get out of the house. I’ve got to find a woman. I want to make a woman mine. I want one that I can fuck whenever I want. I’ll stretch her pussy wider than it’s ever been before and I don’t fucking care if it hurts.

Yes. I need to get out of the house. It’s time to scout.