Wow, quite an interesting start! Plus you obviously have a taste for positioning the shot!
 

Great screenshots indeed, with  fine models, good angles, non excessive DoF, and a certain talent for direction (the two thirds of the story are understandable even without subtitles). Just a handful of advices though :

• When inserting text, jump a line so it does start below the image rather than at it's side. It'll be clearer that way.
• It's not always easy to think at those details at the start, but opening the protagonists mouths while they're talking adds to the immersion.
• PNGs may not be the best choice to share stories on the web. That entry is relatively short, and the servers aren't busy, but it those two parameters do change some readers may have trouble displaying them. Plus the images are resized by LL's engine by default. I'd rather go for slightly compressed JPEGs, but bypassing LL's resize. Take a look at this tutorial if you want to learn more about how to get there.

That put aside, nice and dramatic start.

« Anya looks very pretty and very intelligent. She's gonna be very successful, yes.  »

Thank you for your advice, I will be improving my work!

thank you i love your story , very well done and the pictures are cool and the ladies  ?