Aesthetically, I think the redone version has more balanced tones color-wise than the pre-crash one. The atmosphere of the sex scene in particular being particularly well managed, the dark skin tones combining quite well with the background to create something intimate ; but you also did a great job on the friendly evening party just before. Story-wise, it's well paced, though the shortness necessarily reduces the amount of significant events (it felt a bit less short than the previous one however). There are more grammar mistakes in both versions than usually that being said, but it doesn't prevents from enjoying the read. Compliments on the expressions and angles on some shots, which really emphasize the immersion. And the racial mix is a pleasant detail. ?

Malicia : « The woman with the big boobies looks very meany. That's a pity, 'cause it was Alicia first good evening in a long time.  »

@Tirloque At first, I wanted to stay at 10 pages per chapter. But it was harder and harder to say things, so the chapter were a bit longer. When I write a chapter, I think about what part of the story I want to tell. So if it takes 16 pages, I'm 16 pages. If I need 30, I'll make 30. It's a better way to do things imo, because its more natural.

Now, every chapter is suppose to say one thing to movethe story forward.

Like everytime, thank you for your feedback.