What better place to talk about love than LL?

[Nuvenor]

Hello there, Community.

 

I feel like a complete drooler, dofus, idiot, moron to write what will be following, but hey! I got bugger all to lose.

 

 

Now, a increasingly tougher pill to swallow is me and relationships.

Problem is: I never had one. I now am 20 years old, and time flies and will fly faster, the older I get. Every Friend of mine and everyone around me I know has or at least had a relationship, and I don't.

Another friend started to thing about marriage, one friend of mine is pregnant, another one can't even recall with how many women he has been.

And here I am, feeling like a puppy that should have grown up to become a wolf long ago, left out in the rain, inexperienced, insecure, the odd one out.

I never really cared about this, always shrugged it off. I will find a girl or woman some day. It must be.

Part of the reason I now write this is that now, after all this time, there really was one, it was only online, I know, I know. Stupid me for actually putting effort into a relationship forming over a stupid chat, but I did. I tried, put effort in it and tried to talk to her, you know, just like friends, even if it meant nothing more than a good morning or good bye every other day. Friends talk to each other, right? Apparently I must have done something wrong. She out of nowhere told me to stop trying and to get lost. I tried to rearrange things and told her that she will now have full initiative, she will decide when to start a conversation and where the conversation will go. Just like I did and she seemed to enjoy before the sudden change. I thought, again, that I was doing the right thing. She told me to stop taking the initiative, and I stopped and granted it to her.

Haven't heard a word since.

20 years, and still new to this. I feel like I am a light-headed 14 years old girl, even though I am a 20 years old male. I feel so stupid and lost, try to do everything not to lose and still lose.

I fucked up the only relationship I ever had so far even before it completely developed into a relationship.

 

What am I to do? Is it wrong what I am doing?

I have little experience. Let's use a metaphor, I love metaphors. I try to be like a wet lump of clay. I have little to no experience, how am I to gain experience if I never had the chance to? So I let them mould me. I try to adapt to their needs. Whether she wants me to be more dominant or to be on the same level, bloody hell, even if she was to want me to be a bit submissive. I don't know how I would feel in those positions. I never experienced it.

I don't need a submissive girlfriend, I don't need a dominant girlfriend, I don't need a beautiful girlfriend. All I need and seek is a woman approximately my age and not too far away, because I am not a rich one, to love me. And still, even though I am not asking much, I don't have high standards or any standard – again, how am I to develop a standard with jack shit to raise a standard with? And I would certainly went out of my way to make her feel good, feel welcomed, feel loved.

And still, all I ever receive is rejection, and if I don't get rejected straight up, instead of forming, moulding me into what they would want, all they do is punch the block of clay and wipe the bits that stuck on their hand off and throw the paper they wiped their hand off on away.

Is it too much I am asking for? Is it wrong what I am asking for? Is it odd what I'm asking for?

 

I am asking you, all, because I just don't know. How should I know without anyone ever telling me. Lying straight to my face saying “You did nothing wrong”, leaving me hanging in this uncomfortable position and denying me the only thing that is left for me to ask for. Why do I not even receive that one last bit?

Please, all of you, tell me what your ex did wrong, so I can at least learn from the mistakes of others.

Month after month my frustration grows, and I feel like giving up on trying. Even an idiot will stop touching the hot stove after he has been burnt too often, regardless of what reward one might be promising.

 

All I have is this song, by DreamTheater, speaking to my soul, as if they took my luck with relationships and turned into a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HcLGEacaWU

It always hurts to casually listening to a song to suddenly be taken aback by realizing how much the lyrics fit to your life.

 

Anyway, I don't want to be much more of a whiner, I already did enough of that in this post now.

Best regards.

Nuv

[Luckris]

20 is not that old. I'm not older but  not the point. I've never had a relationship for the pure fact that I think everybody looks at me like a pile of shit in their way, and I have no trust for anybody. My advice is, you got to find someone who just loves hanging out with you. Go to cons, meets whatever, maybe just the shops with a buddy, and meet some people. Hopefully a relationship will form just by hanging out with the people that enjoy you. I wouldn't look for a lover, as much as it just being something that happens one night when your out with a good friend. You can usually tell by how open the person is with you, and how conformable they are around you. 

Personally I have 1 standard. Which is the person just has to accept me for the idiot I am. My roommate on the other hand just fucks a girl whenever he wants. I'm not like that I'm not going to have sex with someone unless we both love each other. Which is why I haven't had sex yet.  It's up to you to decide really. fuck a random person every week, or wait for the one.  Hope I helped a little? maybe?

 

[Guest MonsterFish]

I am 22* and I have never been in a relationship, had sex or dated casually or otherwise. I've had people interested but never really had any interest back. Sexual interest is a mutual thing and I don't have to jump at the chance of a girlfriend just because that girl is interested in me.

 

Don't make whether or not you are in a relationship define who you are. And don't change who you are just for the chance of being in a relationship, if a girl is interested in you but dislikes the idea that you play games a lot and don't like shopping every fucking week, then there's no point in showing any further interest in dating. A relationship is MUTUAL, you show interest in what she likes and she does the same. If she doesn't like you playing games, fine, she doesn't have to join in but she definitely shouldn't stop you from doing what you enjoy and that goes the same for shopping or clubbing. You don't have to join her in shopping or clubbing and she should understand that, but you shouldn't try to outright stop her from doing it.

 

People don't like rejection, you can be as hardcore, cocky, "Alpha Male" and confident as you like. You can be Mr Bilzerian but it's hardwired into our mind that we simply don't like rejection. You can try and say that I'm wrong and you 'don't care what people think' as much as you like, well done you're now under the minority that believe saying you don't care is some sort of shield, but it is physically, neurologically imprinted into our minds that we do not like rejection and THAT is okay. What I'd suggest is not pitying yourself every time someone rejects you. I'm not saying not to care - you absolutely should care, if you feel sad then I'd say it would be okay to take a day or two out but taking a month of depression is kind of cutting it loose.

[Chaos63]

You missed one shot. There's a shit ton of ammo laying around.

[pinaman]

hi, this forum might not be the best place to talk about how mean life is sometimes, how complex love and relationships are, and how complex women are in particular

you could fill books with that topic, no libaries 

I feel sorry for you as you seem to be in a very depressing mood, you should get rid of that mood and discuss the topic with people f2f who mean something to you, as they know you and can do some counseling that is specific to you.

some generic stuff will probaly not help you like: always be yourself, go out, join other people, don't try too hard (all sounds naive but there is lots of truth in these).

cheers

 

 

[ChancellorKremlin]

it was only online,

This is where you lost me man, sorry.

 

This isn't love. Look, you've plain said it yourself you've never felt this before, and I can completely empathize with how, at first glance, this relationship could pass itself as "love" to you. There's a colossal difference between infatuation and love. It may be hard to distinguish the two, especially if you have never felt the latter before, but trust me, its an important distinction.

 

There is absolutely no substitute for seeing someone before you, taking in every detail and nuance of their face, their smile, their expression, the way they move. The scent they have naturally about them, the soft curve of their face, the tone and shape of their voice and the sweetness of their spoken words. The vibrant life in their eyes, the colour behind it like nothing you have ever seen. They way they walk and move gracefully before you, and the way your name rolls pleasantly off their tongue.

 

None of this beauty can be conveyed online. Do not mistake the stars reflected on the surface of the lake at night for the heavens. 

[Nuvenor]

 

it was only online,

This is where you lost me man, sorry.

 

This isn't love. Look, you've plain said it yourself you've never felt this before, and I can completely empathize with how, at first glance, this relationship could pass itself as "love" to you. There's a colossal difference between infatuation and love. It may be hard to distinguish the two, especially if you have never felt the latter before, but trust me, its an important distinction.

 

There is absolutely no substitute for seeing someone before you, taking in every detail and nuance of their face, their smile, their expression, the way they move. The scent they have naturally about them, the soft curve of their face, the tone and shape of their voice and the sweetness of their spoken words. The vibrant life in their eyes, the colour behind it like nothing you have ever seen. They way they walk and move gracefully before you, and the way your name rolls pleasantly off their tongue.

 

None of this beauty can be conveyed online. Do not mistake the stars reflected on the surface of the lake at night for the heavens. 

 

 

You are correct and yes, it was not love. Not yet. But I know that she lives merely an hour away. It is what could have been, not what was. I know, it is pathetic. I know, and I feel like a 14 year old. The words you wrote are 100% true though.

 

[Shadowscale]

As someone who found love online not at a hook-up site, but a gaming forum I will tell you it is possible to find love online. At the same time you should not go out and seek a relationship because you feel you need to. As a thirty-four year old guy I will tell you love will find you not the other way around and it may happen with someone you just click with and enjoy being around. The people we are what defines us and not those who we're dating/married/etc. Just go have fun and one day you just might find the "one".

 

Edit: And those curious we started as friends for a long time before it progressed further than that.

[Vacaliga]

I feel you, man, really, the good news is that you are not alone in feeling this way, it is perfectly normal, still sucks big time but normal.

The bad news, however, is that even with experience and a track record where you had to stop counting, that drooling awkward baboon version of yourself can still manage to knock all sense of logic and reason out the window when you find yourself having a crush on someone. 

What can happen is that you start to idolize, thinking of how life would be like, how to win her over etc, you can pretty much pick your poison here, rescuing her from a mugger, returning her lost puppy and so on.

 

The worst thing about all of this is that they all make perfect sense in your head doing that time, and when faced with rejection you as you put it, you turn yourself into a piece of wet clay, trying to cater and adapt to her every need, liking all the things she likes, agreeing to everything she says. And here is where having just a little bit of experience does offer some advise sadly its mostly via hindsight, counterplay is important, how much can vary from person to person but try to picture yourself in her shoes, how would you feel about a person who's constantly showering you with compliments, never disagreeing with you. like whatever you like. and worship the very ground you walk on. Do you want that? No ofc you don't.

And that's the problem, what you may preserve as just trying to be nice while floating around up on your little pink cloud. Is really just the awkward baboon again.

 

So how do you prevent this little misbehaving monkey from coming out? Well if you figure that one out, let me know, we have business and book deals to discuss.  

Truth be told there is no real answer to your problem, but you can save yourself from a lot of pain by catching some of this in the early stages if you have like a close friend you can talk to about it, or even do what you do now and ask here, but at the very least ask yourself: Is that really feasible or is it wishful thinking?...

 

But all in all, try to not let your lack of experience fool you into believing that 'if only' Nah you could be the biggest womanizer in town, but if you get a crush on someone, you're in trouble mister.  

 

 

     

[Varamayne]

 

Part of the reason I now write this is that now, after all this time, there really was one, it was only online, I know, I know. Stupid me for actually putting effort into a relationship forming over a stupid chat, but I did. I tried, put effort in it and tried to talk to her, you know, just like friends, even if it meant nothing more than a good morning or good bye every other day. Friends talk to each other, right? Apparently I must have done something wrong. She out of nowhere told me to stop trying and to get lost. I tried to rearrange things and told her that she will now have full initiative, she will decide when to start a conversation and where the conversation will go. Just like I did and she seemed to enjoy before the sudden change. I thought, again, that I was doing the right thing. She told me to stop taking the initiative, and I stopped and granted it to her.

Haven't heard a word since.

20 years, and still new to this. I feel like I am a light-headed 14 years old girl, even though I am a 20 years old male. I feel so stupid and lost, try to do everything not to lose and still lose.

I fucked up the only relationship I ever had so far even before it completely developed into a relationship.

 

What am I to do? Is it wrong what I am doing?

I have little experience. Let's use a metaphor, I love metaphors. I try to be like a wet lump of clay. I have little to no experience, how am I to gain experience if I never had the chance to? So I let them mould me. I try to adapt to their needs. Whether she wants me to be more dominant or to be on the same level, bloody hell, even if she was to want me to be a bit submissive. I don't know how I would feel in those positions. I never experienced it.

I don't need a submissive girlfriend, I don't need a dominant girlfriend, I don't need a beautiful girlfriend. All I need and seek is a woman approximately my age and not too far away, because I am not a rich one, to love me. And still, even though I am not asking much, I don't have high standards or any standard – again, how am I to develop a standard with jack shit to raise a standard with? And I would certainly went out of my way to make her feel good, feel welcomed, feel loved.

And still, all I ever receive is rejection, and if I don't get rejected straight up, instead of forming, moulding me into what they would want, all they do is punch the block of clay and wipe the bits that stuck on their hand off and throw the paper they wiped their hand off on away.

Is it too much I am asking for? Is it wrong what I am asking for? Is it odd what I'm asking for?

 

 

I am asking you, all, because I just don't know. How should I know without anyone ever telling me. Lying straight to my face saying “You did nothing wrong”, leaving me hanging in this uncomfortable position and denying me the only thing that is left for me to ask for. Why do I not even receive that one last bit?

Please, all of you, tell me what your ex did wrong, so I can at least learn from the mistakes of others.

Month after month my frustration grows, and I feel like giving up on trying. Even an idiot will stop touching the hot stove after he has been burnt too often, regardless of what reward one might be promising.

 

All I have is this song, by DreamTheater, speaking to my soul, as if they took my luck with relationships and turned into a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HcLGEacaWU

It always hurts to casually listening to a song to suddenly be taken aback by realizing how much the lyrics fit to your life.

 

Anyway, I don't want to be much more of a whiner, I already did enough of that in this post now.

Best regards.

Nuv

 

Young Hollow, you did everything wrong. You've barely given a glimpse of your only short-lived relationship but that one sentence where you mentioned you told her she will be the one to initiate conversations told me everything.

 

You wanted the relationship more than her. That is a mistake. If a woman feels you want the relationship more than her she will distance herself from you. They can smell desperation as well as they can smell you if you haven't bathed in a month.

 

Your priority in life should be your goals, your mission... be it art, career, school... whatever it may be, you must give yourself wholly to that and only then will a woman be capable of showing you true love because she will feel comfortable and feminine next to you. Duty first. Don't pursue women as your number one goal in life when you do not feel secure in what you have to offer her... or in yourself... you cannot truly love her without striving towards your goals in life, without showing her that masculine confidence that you have what it takes to take care of her needs on an emotional level.

 

I cannot tell you what you might have done wrong to make her do a 180 degree turn. This happens very often, however... men do things unwittingly that upset women and they rarely tell you exactly what you did wrong. Perhaps they cannot put it into words themselves. Women don't often analyse and dwell on things the way men do, their logic is different. It is based on emotion and intuition. They are like the ocean. One moment they are as calm and as beautiful as its blue waters... another they turn into a terrible storm. Something in your behavior displeased her greatly... its possible it wasn't just something but the way you are in general. She must have realised you aren't a man for her because... well... you're weak.

 

When she turned really cold towards you I'm afraid that was a point of no return. By telling her she'll be the initiator henceforth was the biggest mistake and possibly a huge turn-off for any woman that leans heavily towards the feminine spectrum... and most of them do. Deep down a large portion of women want to be led. They want to be freed or feel free.

 

 

You say you have no set standards - you just want a woman to love you. This can mean a few things. Either you're not being entirely genuine with us, and possibly yourself, or you're just that beta. I'm really sorry for using this word but I find it to be very descriptive. Another word would be... effeminised. You're not a strong person at the moment, women aren't generally attracted to that. Even the less attractive and popular ones. God knows... women these days have ridiculous standards.

 

But I'll stop myself here before I go on a borderline mysoginistic rant about what's wrong with today's women. As men of this generation this is the hand that has been dealt to us, and as men we must overcome this hardship. Either you accept and learn to deal with a ton of rejection and constant mood shifts, or you forget about women and focus on other areas of your life entirely. Ah, but life without any sex and even affection is hard for a guy. Especially for one such as you because you sound sensitive and lost.

 

 

 

 

Bottom line, you sound like an inexperienced and effeminised young male. Women don't generally find this attractive. It's easy to just say... 'man up'... but what else is there to say? You must learn to take your mind off women and relationships. Don't dwell on it, especially your past failures. Focus on some goal in your life, like your career or school... or whatever it is that you wish to do. Overtime you will build strength that will(hopefully) attract women. It won't be easy... you can't help but envy those lucky dudes who somehow hooked up with their heartthrob in high school or middle school and lived ever happily since then.

[the_mess]

 

Now, a increasingly tougher pill to swallow is me and relationships.

Problem is: I never had one. I now am 20 years old, and time flies and will fly faster, the older I get. Every Friend of mine and everyone around me I know has or at least had a relationship, and I don't.

 

 

I am telling you from personal experience - such things happen when you least expect them to happen. I am older than you and I got in my first (and very serious relationship) just an year ago. 

 

And I am telling you for sure - if you try to make it, it won't work. The "love" always finds you, its not you who find it. All my friends who are in relationships are like that. It just happened to them, they never "chased" it or tried for it. Because just like me they tried countless times and they failed and then when they were not even thinking out it, boom it happens. It happened to me too. 

 

If you are not some macho/badass/swag shit guy just forget about "forced" love finding. If you are normal/average or bellow tier, just do you stuff, do the things you always do and eventually the love will find you. Its out there among the people who do the same things you do, the ones who share the same interests. 

 

So, DON'T TRY, don't even mention something about relationship when you talk to a girl. I mean there are rare cases of girls who seek a relationship, my gf was one of those. But they will do the step, otherwise don't do it, you will break it. You may try something after a long time but just for a few weeks/a month, it will push her away. If she wants it so soon she will make the step don't worry.

 

She will find you, don't worry. It will happen. 

 

(my post is based on my little experience and many, many, many stories and events occurred to my friends)

[Nuvenor]

 

 

Now, a increasingly tougher pill to swallow is me and relationships.

Problem is: I never had one. I now am 20 years old, and time flies and will fly faster, the older I get. Every Friend of mine and everyone around me I know has or at least had a relationship, and I don't.

 

 

I am telling you from personal experience - such things happen when you least expect them to happen. I am older than you and I got in my first (and very serious relationship) just an year ago. 

 

And I am telling you for sure - if you try to make it, it won't work. The "love" always finds you, its not you who find it. All my friends who are in relationships are like that. It just happened to them, they never "chased" it or tried for it. Because just like me they tried countless times and they failed and then when they were not even thinking out it, boom it happens. It happened to me too. 

 

If you are not some macho/badass/swag shit guy just forget about "forced" love finding. If you are normal/average or bellow tier, just do you stuff, do the things you always do and eventually the love will find you. Its out there among the people who do the same things you do, the ones who share the same interests. 

 

So, DON'T TRY, don't even mention something about relationship when you talk to a girl. I mean there are rare cases of girls who seek a relationship, my gf was one of those. But they will do the step, otherwise don't do it, you will break it. You may try something after a long time but just for a few weeks/a month, it will push her away. If she wants it so soon she will make the step don't worry.

 

She will find you, don't worry. It will happen. 

 

(my post is based on my little experience and many, many, many stories and events occurred to my friends)

 

 

I did not suggest it. It was her idea to form a relationship and after she told me that she desires a relationship I started to put a lot of effort in. But oh well, everything comes to an end at some point.

 

[FastestDogInTheDistrict]

Don't worry yourself so much about it, dude. Smoke some weed, eat & sleep well, lift heavy shit & get into better physical shape, spend more time in the great outdoors, and learn to be happy in your own skin. THEN, worry about all the other stuff!

[Guest]

Go outside, get some friends, and have fun.

 

Everything will fall into place.

[the_mess]

 

 

 

 

I did not suggest it. It was her idea to form a relationship and after she told me that she desires a relationship I started to put a lot of effort in. But oh well, everything comes to an end at some point.

 

 

 

Then it was HER fault, not yours. Or its not fault exactly, lets say she wasn't really ready for it. Because the girls love men who put a lot of effort for the relationship. It means that you love them and care about the relationship. So if she didn't "liked" that, its because she didn't wanted a relationship (even if she said so lol) or she wasn't ready.