Text-based game (no longer in development)

[Xpyke]

This game is no longer in development, read below if you want to know more.

 

Guys, I'm trying my hand with writing, I'm no way a native speaker and my knowledge is limited, but I started a text-based sex game today and would like if someone could play test and report the likes/dislikes so I can improve, here's the link:

 

http://textadventures.co.uk/games/view/psmq8po2pu2pb7i5ttp0hw/what-the-grandpa

 

Full description and fetishes inside the spoiler:

 

 

 

 

You play with a female almost reaching her 20 years, with a small frame and a reckless behavior, she is left alone on a weekend after her grandparents leave for the city, being on a farm in the middle of nowhere alone has its perks though, and she will explore her limits a bit.

 

Fetish list (no opt-out right now)

 

Masturbation (a lot)

Bestiality (some)

Futa (only 1 scene)

Demons (some)

Transformation (some)

 

 

 

 

 

Please be as detailed as possible on your reviews, I really want to improve and could use any and every tip.

 

Thanks guys.

 

UPDATE:

 

Read the posts below for actual state, for now I had problems with the file, it got corrupt because of the Quest engine and this made me lost faith in this software, I may start anew on unity but cannot promise anything, if someone wants to take this idea and make it a mod or an entire new game by all means be my guest, I can provide the full story if needed, just give me a call.

[Xpyke]

Squished more content, now you can end day 1 and I warn inside the game when the content is over, but guys, over 100 plays and no single comment?

 

 

Come on! Even to bash, I need feedback here people!

[lorm42]

Maybe it's like me .. i don't play pre alpha games any more as 99% of these games won't survive longer then 1-2 months anyway.

[Hamof]

Well it's not going to be particularly detailed... I liked it, keep doing what you're doing.

[Xpyke]

Maybe it's like me .. i don't play pre alpha games any more as 99% of these games won't survive longer then 1-2 months anyway.

 

I really know that feeling, and you have every reason to feel the same, hope to prove you wrong

 

Well it's not going to be particularly detailed... I liked it, keep doing what you're doing.

 

I would like to be more detailed, but I cannot be in english... so that's all I got, and thanks!

[Hamof]

 

Well it's not going to be particularly detailed... I liked it, keep doing what you're doing.

 

I would like to be more detailed, but I cannot be in english... so that's all I got, and thanks!

 

No I meant that my review wasn't going to be particularly detailed, you did fine

[DarkMoonProphet]

I really liked it.

But there is not very much "gameplay". You only have to press the link to get to the next page. It dosen't seem like it matters much in which things you do first.

I will keep checking for Updates

[Xpyke]

 

 

Well it's not going to be particularly detailed... I liked it, keep doing what you're doing.

 

I would like to be more detailed, but I cannot be in english... so that's all I got, and thanks!

 

No I meant that my review wasn't going to be particularly detailed, you did fine

 

 

Oh... Well, thanks

 

I really liked it.

But there is not very much "gameplay". You only have to press the link to get to the next page. It dosen't seem like it matters much in which things you do first.

I will keep checking for Updates

 

Until now there's no real choice whatsoever, the branching will begin on day 2, for now the options are there to not let the gameplay become even more linear.

[nugerumon]

Well, the English has some errors here and there, but generally it's OK. Do try to use shorter sencences; at some points where you used a comma you could have used a full stop, too. That makes it easier to read. (Just don't make the sentences too short  )

 

 

Even though at some parts I thought "too much text" (I don't like to read much text at a computer screen), some events should have longer descriptions. Only a single paragraph for the most important event with the horse? That way you read in a few seconds what would originally take a few minutes! Though I have to admit, I have no idea what more to write.

 

Is it intentional that if after the horse scene if you decide to immediately eat, the story stops, but if you shower first the story progresses to night?

 

Passing out in front of the TV seemed a bit too convenient, that way you don't have to think about what the protagonist could do all day...  

 

 

All in all, I guess I liked it; just try to expand it a bit (but you plan to, anyway). A few more descriptions would be nice - who is the protagonist (or is it intentionally shallow so the reader can identify with her)? How does the house look, where are the rooms? etc.

 

I'm not an author myself, so the advice I can give is limited 

[Xpyke]

Well, the English has some errors here and there, but generally it's OK. Do try to use shorter sencences; at some points where you used a comma you could have used a full stop, too. That makes it easier to read. (Just don't make the sentences too short  )

 

 

Even though at some parts I thought "too much text" (I don't like to read much text at a computer screen), some events should have longer descriptions. Only a single paragraph for the most important event with the horse? That way you read in a few seconds what would originally take a few minutes! Though I have to admit, I have no idea what more to write.

 

Is it intentional that if after the horse scene if you decide to immediately eat, the story stops, but if you shower first the story progresses to night?

 

Passing out in front of the TV seemed a bit too convenient, that way you don't have to think about what the protagonist could do all day...  

 

 

All in all, I guess I liked it; just try to expand it a bit (but you plan to, anyway). A few more descriptions would be nice - who is the protagonist (or is it intentionally shallow so the reader can identify with her)? How does the house look, where are the rooms? etc.

 

I'm not an author myself, so the advice I can give is limited 

 

This actually helps a lot! Thank you, I discovered the too long sentences when I played it all once finished, and was on my plans to redo anyway, the horse scene I tried to make longer, but it was already 2am and I had to work the other day, so... And I'm no writer either, I'm just trying my hand at that

 

For the passing out in front of the TV, I wanted to become dark soon so I could put on the dream, but I guess this is a lazy excuse

 

And just for an opinion, is it better to focus on new content for you guys or rewrite some things and tidy everything up a bit?

 

[Xpyke]

Updated, new version goes up to the morning of the 2nd day, only one path available right now.

[DarkMoonProphet]

Nice. I hope there will be more updates soon

[Avers]

So far I enjoyed it and I'll looking forward to see how this will progress. 

[Soulvexx]

Liked it so far but I have one question ; 

When can we expect an update? 

[Xpyke]

Liked it so far but I have one question ; 

When can we expect an update? 

 

I have some things written already, but I'm not satisfied with the software, I can't use any kind of programming and I'm having to redo everything when I want to give the player options, so I'm thinking in changing the engine, but it's too much work and I'm doing my masters degree meanwhile... But I guess I can try to end at least the 2nd day before the end of the month.

[ReMeDy]

Other than it containing beastiality, what exactly is this about? I'm not diving too deep into a game with "grandpa" in its title, lol. The title would lead me to believe it's about a pervy grandpa, with a dash of humor.

[Xpyke]

Other than it containing beastiality, what exactly is this about? I'm not diving too deep into a game with "grandpa" in its title, lol. The title would lead me to believe it's about a pervy grandpa, with a dash of humor.

 

It won't have any sex with old people if that's your concern , I guess I should rename the title, it will make sense after the story unfolds, but for now there's bestiality, a small pint of futa, solo sessions and titty fuck.

[Krh]

What you should do, in my opinion, is explain clearly what the game is about in the opening post. Male or female main character? Plot-driven, choice-driven? Setting? Background? Anything? You ask for detailed feedback yet give virtually no information about the game.

 

And you should definitely list unavoidable fetishes that may disgust some people (I won't touch anything involving "women" with cocks, for example).

[Xpyke]

What you should do, in my opinion, is explain clearly what the game is about in the opening post. Male or female main character? Plot-driven, choice-driven? Setting? Background? Anything? You ask for detailed feedback yet give virtually no information about the game.

 

And you should definitely list unavoidable fetishes that may disgust some people (I won't touch anything involving "women" with cocks, for example).

 

This is real criticism, thanks for the suggestions and I will follow them, expect to see changes soon™, I'll have some time in the weekend so the chances are new descriptions and first post on monday.

[Xpyke]

Updated the description to reflect the suggestions, expect some update this week.

[Xpyke]

Guys, bad news, I don't know why but the source got corrupted, I can't open it in the Quest program anymore, I'm trying to figure out what to do but I can't make any promises, I think this is the time to change the engine, I have some experience with Unity and I don't think making a text based game would be any kind of coding nightmare.

 

And btw, some of you left me even a review on the website, thanks for that, the considerations were really helpful.

[Red.Rahloo]

maybe someone can implement it as a mod into Fallout or Skyrim in the future 

no one reads this days

we have short attention span and if some naked animation isnt flashing before my eyes i get bored

 

dont get me wrong alot mods are repetitive and boring and u seem to have talent for stories 

and from what i read it wouldnt be even that hard 

[Xpyke]

maybe someone can implement it as a mod into Fallout or Skyrim in the future 

no one reads this days

we have short attention span and if some naked animation isnt flashing before my eyes i get bored

 

dont get me wrong alot mods are repetitive and boring and u seem to have talent for stories 

and from what i read it wouldnt be even that hard 

 

Well, if someone was to take this idea I would be honored, by all means this is free to use for whatever, I think I'll put it in the first post.

[Yotix]

OK you're asking for feedback so I'll be brutally honest: I guess there was no feedback because everyone gave up after two paragraphs due to a crude, hard-to-follow writing style including many mistakes. 

 

.... exactly what everyone's early writing experiments are like.

Keep reading and writing, and you'll get better. Please don't let my words discourage you! 

 

 

(Not sure whether reading one or more of those "how to write a best-seller" books; the authors typically seem to be complete nobodies ... I'd much rather recommend that you read a book on how mankind tells stories, and of course as many novels (in English and your own native language) as you can.  (I especially enjoyed re-reading books that I knew in my native language already. When you re-read a book, you'll remember roughly what is being said and described, so you won't need to look in a dictionary, and learn words in a much more natural way (seeing words used in context).

 

 

About the story telling: Russian structuralist scientist Vladimir Propp pioneered "narratology" -- he examined folk tales from all over Russia, identified events they have in common, and how they are ordered ... only his writing style is the deadly boring style of the Stalinist 1950s so it's not fun to read.

Later, a psycho-analyst called Campbell picked up his work, and turned it into the much more readable "Hero with a thousand faces" (I still don't like the book, too much waffling about psychology). George Lucas was one of his students, and later created a sci-fi universe very much based on these ideas.

... and then a Hollywood screenwriter wrote a "how to create a screenplay story based on Propp/Campbell" book. I found it fun to read, definitely a lot more fun than that Stalin-era scientist Propp. Christopher Vogler, The Writer's Journey. 

 

 

Criticism: 

 

1) A text based game needs perfect grammar and spelling or people will just give up after two paragraphs. In my experience, many people really do mind typos, and they make texts harder to read (I want to speed-read this, not waste time working out what you are trying to say.) You need to work on your English skills, or get someone to proofread your texts. 

2) In particular, you may want to read some English-language novels to get a better grip of writing style. Like, paragraphs can have several sentences in them. Run-on sentences like in the example paragraphs are harder to read than short ones.

 

Tabloid newspaper editors typically enforce a rule of thumb that a sentence must never be longer than 150 characters, since their readershio is assumed to be a bit stupid and needs everything to be very easily understood. 

Posh newspapers usually allow around 300 words; any more than that and they think they'll risk confusing even their more educated readers.

 

In your game, the sentence starting with "You decided to spice things up, " has 495 characters. 

 

3) There's grammar / typing error in the first bit, and just like this one, the various parts of the paragraph are unconnected stuff, but still they're comma-linked into a huge run-on sentence, and you switch tense / time a lot ("a thought crosses, so you decided"). On the next page you use two forms of addressing the reader ("You are grateful to see" vs "Get my clothes").

 

You could never understand why the heck did your oldies decided to put a giant glass door on the bathroom facing the balcony, you get that there's no one around that could spy on you, but you always feels strange, and the only thing you can see from the second floor is the plantation below anyways, but as you reach to close the curtains a thought crosses your mind - "I have the house for myself, why not enjoy it while it lasts?", so you decided to leave the curtains open and even the door was also opened.

 

I'm not a native speaker of English either, but:

a) "Oldies" is not a common term for "parents" as far as I know, it's a radio music genre.

This paragraph should be split into several sentences to make it easier to read.

c) She always feels strange - how? why? That sentence seems to make little sense, neither does the sentence about the plantation IMO.

d) Who opened the door? Or did you mean "you decide to leave the door and curtains wide open"?

 

 

(Note: I have worked as a translator and copywriter, not a very good one though. I'd very much hate it if my words were to discourage you from writing! However I'm too much of a lazy bastard to offer to proof-read or re-write your text. Sorry )

 

And about gameplay: Most players seem to hate dead ends in stories.

 

 

PS I was surprised to find text-based erotica to be a fairly large genre. 

 

Example 1: newlife by Splendid Ostrich -- This one is somwehat fun, even if there's a hole missing (no anal sex).

You create a male hero who then agrees to participate in an experiment. That turns you into a woman, so you create a heroine. Then you spend the rest of the game setting up your 4-shift week (work, fun, clubbing, weekend) and either fending off advances from horny guys or allowing them to have their way with you. 

 

Example 2: School of Smut, I only played for like ten minutes but it seems to be purely text-based and quite complex. You play a girl that applies for a teacher job, but some kind of S/M Illuminati tell her the job is to sexually corrupt everyone instead. Conversation choices give you traits like exhibitionist, slut or strong-willed,  but that's about as far as I played. (Still haven't gotten used to the UI, maybe I'll give it another try.)

 

Example 3: "Play Lewd". Supposed to come with a free demo but that keeps asking for a login and key, so I guess it's broken or they're just being assholes and not giving keys to new people.

[Xpyke]

 

 

OK you're asking for feedback so I'll be brutally honest: I guess there was no feedback because everyone gave up after two paragraphs due to a crude, hard-to-follow writing style including many mistakes. 

 

.... exactly what everyone's early writing experiments are like.

Keep reading and writing, and you'll get better. Please don't let my words discourage you! 

 

 

(Not sure whether reading one or more of those "how to write a best-seller" books; the authors typically seem to be complete nobodies ... I'd much rather recommend that you read a book on how mankind tells stories, and of course as many novels (in English and your own native language) as you can.  (I especially enjoyed re-reading books that I knew in my native language already. When you re-read a book, you'll remember roughly what is being said and described, so you won't need to look in a dictionary, and learn words in a much more natural way (seeing words used in context).

 

 

About the story telling: Russian structuralist scientist Vladimir Propp pioneered "narratology" -- he examined folk tales from all over Russia, identified events they have in common, and how they are ordered ... only his writing style is the deadly boring style of the Stalinist 1950s so it's not fun to read.

Later, a psycho-analyst called Campbell picked up his work, and turned it into the much more readable "Hero with a thousand faces" (I still don't like the book, too much waffling about psychology). George Lucas was one of his students, and later created a sci-fi universe very much based on these ideas.

... and then a Hollywood screenwriter wrote a "how to create a screenplay story based on Propp/Campbell" book. I found it fun to read, definitely a lot more fun than that Stalin-era scientist Propp. Christopher Vogler, The Writer's Journey. 

 

 

Criticism: 

 

1) A text based game needs perfect grammar and spelling or people will just give up after two paragraphs. In my experience, many people really do mind typos, and they make texts harder to read (I want to speed-read this, not waste time working out what you are trying to say.) You need to work on your English skills, or get someone to proofread your texts. 

2) In particular, you may want to read some English-language novels to get a better grip of writing style. Like, paragraphs can have several sentences in them. Run-on sentences like in the example paragraphs are harder to read than short ones.

 

Tabloid newspaper editors typically enforce a rule of thumb that a sentence must never be longer than 150 characters, since their readershio is assumed to be a bit stupid and needs everything to be very easily understood. 

Posh newspapers usually allow around 300 words; any more than that and they think they'll risk confusing even their more educated readers.

 

In your game, the sentence starting with "You decided to spice things up, " has 495 characters. 

 

3) There's grammar / typing error in the first bit, and just like this one, the various parts of the paragraph are unconnected stuff, but still they're comma-linked into a huge run-on sentence, and you switch tense / time a lot ("a thought crosses, so you decided"). On the next page you use two forms of addressing the reader ("You are grateful to see" vs "Get my clothes").

 

You could never understand why the heck did your oldies decided to put a giant glass door on the bathroom facing the balcony, you get that there's no one around that could spy on you, but you always feels strange, and the only thing you can see from the second floor is the plantation below anyways, but as you reach to close the curtains a thought crosses your mind - "I have the house for myself, why not enjoy it while it lasts?", so you decided to leave the curtains open and even the door was also opened.

 

I'm not a native speaker of English either, but:

a) "Oldies" is not a common term for "parents" as far as I know, it's a radio music genre.

This paragraph should be split into several sentences to make it easier to read.

c) She always feels strange - how? why? That sentence seems to make little sense, neither does the sentence about the plantation IMO.

d) Who opened the door? Or did you mean "you decide to leave the door and curtains wide open"?

 

 

(Note: I have worked as a translator and copywriter, not a very good one though. I'd very much hate it if my words were to discourage you from writing! However I'm too much of a lazy bastard to offer to proof-read or re-write your text. Sorry )

 

And about gameplay: Most players seem to hate dead ends in stories.

 

 

PS I was surprised to find text-based erotica to be a fairly large genre. 

 

Example 1: newlife by Splendid Ostrich -- This one is somwehat fun, even if there's a hole missing (no anal sex).

You create a male hero who then agrees to participate in an experiment. That turns you into a woman, so you create a heroine. Then you spend the rest of the game setting up your 4-shift week (work, fun, clubbing, weekend) and either fending off advances from horny guys or allowing them to have their way with you. 

 

Example 2: School of Smut, I only played for like ten minutes but it seems to be purely text-based and quite complex. You play a girl that applies for a teacher job, but some kind of S/M Illuminati tell her the job is to sexually corrupt everyone instead. Conversation choices give you traits like exhibitionist, slut or strong-willed,  but that's about as far as I played. (Still haven't gotten used to the UI, maybe I'll give it another try.)

 

Example 3: "Play Lewd". Supposed to come with a free demo but that keeps asking for a login and key, so I guess it's broken or they're just being assholes and not giving keys to new people.

 

 

 

Man, this is what I was talking about, thanks for the time you put into this review, so let me address the suggestions and criticism.

 

1) I must admit I have not invested much time proofreading, I was writing while using a software, so I trusted it more than I should.

2) English novels are somewhat hard for me to get, but I'll try to find something online, I could really use some more reading.

3) Those are all valid points and arguments, I messed up and just found out later, and I guess my laziness prevented me to fix everything.

 

And do not worry, what you did right now didn't make me want to stop, instead it makes me want to get better, it helps to see people interested enough to make such long texts with tips and things to upgrade, so again I thank you for your time and honesty.