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CHAPTER 1-the beginning

kamenlollo

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You are the dragonborn,the hero of skyrim, the other day you received a request to disinfest Shimmermist Cave from some falmer, nothing difficult, after preparing you go to the cave, once you enter, immediately with a couple of blows you already kill some chaurus , weak as usual, you decide to go deeper, noticing significantly more chaurus eggs than usual, killing both falmer and chaurus, you finally arrive at the end of the cave, where you notice a treasure chest full of treasures, you start trying to put as many treasures as possible in your backpack, when suddenly you hear the sound of footsteps behind you, probably some enemy has escaped you before, you see a couple of falmers and some chaurus arrive, without problems you kill them almost all, there is only one falmer left, note that his skin is a darker color, almost black, try to hit him with the sword, but easily avoid your attack, making you unbalance and fall to the ground, quickly try to get up, but in this the moment you see that the falmer is casting a spell, which immediately casts in your direction, the spell hits you, paralyzing your whole body,taking advantage of your paralysis, the falmer binds you hands and feet together making it impossible to move.
After he puts a sack on your head,making it impossible to see.
You feel that the falmer is carrying you somewhere,you try to move,but the paralysis spell is still active,you can't do anything,after a while you are transported, you realize that the falmer has stopped, starts communicating with someone else, after that you hear a door open, then the falmer starts walking again, for a while longer, and then throw you on the ground, you feel the floor cold and sticky, as if it were covered with slime,after a few minutes,you feel that someone is untying you and then take the sack off your head,it's the falmer that tied you earlier,after looking around you realize that you are still underground, but in a much larger cave, it is quite dark, in the distance you can see silhouettes moving, but you cannot understand what is going on there.suddenly you feel that something has grabbed you by both arms, lifting you up to make you stand,after that, the falmer that was in front of you begins to tear away pieces of your armor, you struggle wriggling to flee but the grasp is too strong, now you are completely without armor, naked and immobilized in front of the falmer, who sticks a finger inside your vagina,then start moving it up and down until you start getting wet.After that they begin to drag you, towards the darker part of the room, getting closer you start to better distinguish what is happening in the room, there are several women tied to the walls, some are being raped by chaurus, others have a swollen stomach , as if they were pregnant, at the foot of one of them you see some churus eggs...you start to be very afraid, you know that if you don't do something, all this will happen to you too.



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@kamenlollo

Interesting ambiance on this one ; with an oppressive atmosphere enforced by the narration, which places you in the protagonist's stead. However, it feels like the style could be refined :

 

Spoiler

 

  • by being careful not to overly repeat some words (« you finally arrive at the end of the cave, where you notice a treasure chest full of treasures, you start trying to put as many treasures as possible in your backpack »)
  • by making better use of the punctuation : don't be afraid to make your sentences shorter. Basically, you should put a point every time the sentence would become too long to be read aloud without breathing. =>

« You are the dragonborn, the hero of Skyrim. The other day you received a request to disinfest Shimmermist Cave from some falmer, nothing difficult.

After preparing you go to the cave, once you enter, immediately with a couple of blows you already kill some chaurus. Weak, as usual.»

 

 

 

Finally, you do publish at lot of entries at once. You've got 5 entries into the main page, released nearly all at once.  Each slot you take implies the work of another author is pushed away from the spotlight. So, if you want to be part of this community without the other authors resenting you, I would advice not publishing your entries at more than one or two every handful of days.

 

For instance, you could :

— Click on "edit entry" at the bottom of "chapter 5"

— At the lower par of the page, under the "publish" green toggle, you've got a menu with a date : enter 01-08-2020, and untick the "publish now tickbox", then click save.
— This will effectively schedule the entry to be published in three days from now, automatically.

I would consider setting the 01-08-2020 for "chapter 6"  as well, leaving three of your entries on the main page right now, with two more coming in a few days.

 

Alternatively, as your entries are quite short, you also could publish two chapters per entry. That would allow you to insert some images into the entries, and not only as headers. :classic_smile:

 

Regards,

 

Tirloque

 

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hello Tirloque, I am happy that for now you like my work, I am very sorry for the defects that you have found, now I will pay much more attention in publishing the chapters, it is the first story I write, and I realize I still have a lot to learn, I hope you will continue to follow my stories, thank you very much

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