CHAPTER 30: A PROPHETABLE VENTURE
Wherein our hero (surprise!) despairs at other people's apparent lack of brainpower.
Previous: Chapter 29, Once You Go Black...

So the first person I need to recruit is a woman named Sorine Jurard, who's been studying the Dwemer, because every academic in the entire goddamn world studies the Dwemer, you'd think after thousands of years of people studying the Dwemer someone would have figured something out, but no, they're still a complete mystery. My guess is that the Dwemer disappeared back in the day deliberately because they were fed up with being studied all the time.

Anyway, Sorine's easy enough to find. She's stuck out in the middle of nowhere, studying the Dwemer by standing in one place staring at the ground. There's a Dwemer "ruin" nearby that's about ten feet square, so I guess that counts? I mean, if she were really studying the Dwemer, you'd think she'd be in Blackreach, but no. To be fair, I honestly can't really blame her... she'd get killed going down there. I mean, she lost her research materials to a bunch of mudcrabs. Pathetic, really. I retrieve her Dwemer gyro, which is not a sex toy, so get that thought out of your head. I briefly wonder why the hell a mudcrab made off with it, but this thought is eclipsed by my wondering why she didn't just get the damn thing herself, her bag was like five feet away, and it's not exactly inconspicuous, being an overlarge apothecary's satchel. She's probably afraid of getting killed by the mudcrabs. Ruptga preserve us, if this is the kind of help Isran needs to fight off the vampire menace, we're all doomed.

Gunmar, on the other hand, isn't studying the Dwemer, thank gods. No, he's a stereotypical Nord warrior dressed in animal skins carrying an axe and out to kill bears. He's chased this particular bear for two weeks. I decline to consider how exactly it took him two freaking weeks to hunt down a bear, considering that they aren't exactly cowardly or anything, nor are they particularly difficult to kill. I mean, a vampire could do it, so logically if you are weaker than a bear and a bear is weaker than a vampire then once again, we're all doomed. After killing the bears in the cave for him, I head back to Fort Dawnguard.

The Fort's undergoing some renovations out front. They're building up the defenses here. See, the huge stone building with impenetrably thick walls and big, sturdy gates located in a hidden valley with only easily-guarded entrance isn't enough, so they're putting up a flimsy wooden stockade. That'll keep those damn vampires out! I don't know, maybe the plan is for the vampires to see the wood and think "Oh no, they're stockpiling wooden stakes! Run!" Once inside the foyer, a couple of gates pop up, locking the three of us (me, Gunmar, and Sorine) inside, and Isran up on the balcony says he's making sure we're not vampires, hell if I know how. I'm more troubled about how he closed and then opened the jail-cell doors at all, considering that there's no lever or anything anywhere. Telekinesis, I suppose. He tells Sorine to start tinkering with crossbows and Gunmar to start putting armor on trolls, because if there's anything dumber than putting up a 6-foot wooden palisade in front of a 200-foot stone wall, it's making trolls even more dangerous, and Isran's bound and determined to be the dumbest fuck there is. I should've taken Harkons offer.

Maybe the offer is still open, though. Turns out, Serana's here and she wants to talk to me. Now you may be wondering why Isran, the guy who's totally obsessed with killing vampires and was pissed off at me for not killing Serana before, would have welcomed her into his fortress so recently made impregnable by the addition of a balsa-wood fence. You'd be right to wonder. I do.

Serana tells me that her father isn't a good person, a shocking revelation indeed. I do not deign to respond. Apparently Harkon wants to destroy the sun, plunging the world into a freezing darkness that would kill off everything including vampires, so I guess he belongs to the same "blow up the world" club that counts as its members Urag, Ancano, Alduin, and honestly, about 75% of Skyrim's population. I really have to question Serana's intellect. I mean, she knew about the prophecy, she knew he wanted the Elder Scroll, she knew he was planning on conquering or destroying the world, she knew she didn't actually want that to happen so she shouldn't give him the scroll, she knew that the Dawnguard wants to destroy vampires so coming here put her life in danger... and yet, she did all of that shit anyway. Dipshit. I'd say to hell with it and just walk away, but I've only got two real tasks before me - killing a vampire who wants to rule the world through pain and death in darkness, and killing a dragon who wants to rule the world through pain and death in daylight. So I guess I'll stick with it.

Isran decides that the best method to ensure Serana's cooperation is by threatening me, telling her that if she goes off the rails he's going to make me pay for it. You know what? Fuck you, dude. He tells us that there's a moth priest somewhere in Skyrim, and suggests that innkeepers or carriage drivers may know where he is, because if anyone knows how to find a single individual in the whole fucking province, it's an innkeeper. Why not? Serana, on the other hand, wants us to go check out the College of Winterhold for information on the moth priest. Trust me, lady, they don't know anything. About ANYTHING. Least of all an insectoid cleric. I'd think that local temples would be a better place, but as it turns out, the innkeeper in Whiterun directs me right to him... I guess priests need to unwind with a refreshing beverage now and then too. The problem is, Serana won't come with me to find the moth priest unless Stenvar is not my companion.

You can't trust my friend? Lady, he's not just my friend, he's my husband. If you can trust me, you can trust him. Ah, shit... well, Stenvar, looks like you should head on home. I'm heading off on an adventure with a vampire lady. I'll be back soon, I promise.

Stenvar gives me a wounded look and slinks off. I feel like a heel.

The guards at Dragon Bridge (where the innkeeper told us to go) say they already left, and I begin to wonder if this isn't going to be a quest that makes us travel to every goddamn town in the world looking for this elusive priest, but thankfully that doesn't happen. Just across the eponymous bridge, there's an overturned cart with a couple of corpses, one of which is a vampire, so we're on the right track. The vampire has a note on him that points us in the direction of Forebear's Holdout, because obviously there's got to be a note pointing the hero in the right direction, or telling him about the evil mastermind's one true weakness, or at the very least detailing the villain's grandiose plans at length, preferably with an addendum at the bottom saying "burn this note so as not to let it fall into the hands of the hero!" I mean, without something like that, the world's very foundations would crumble.

Once at the dungeon, I kill a few vampire dogs and then a few vampires, and sneak my way up top. Malkus (the vampire boss) is trying to break Dexion (the moth priest) and subvert his will. This process takes approximately four seconds. I kill off Malkus and the other vampires, and then put the magical gem into the magical pillar and the magical barrier drops. Before I can give any actual thought to this wonderful barrier or its unfortunate status as a one-trick pony, I'm forced to attack Dexion because of the aforementioned breakage of his will. He takes a knee and then suddenly he's all right again. I guess getting smacked with an axe is the ultimate cure for vampiric domination. I'll have to remember that one.

Dexion heads off to Fort Dawnguard all on his lonesome, despite abundant evidence that he can't fight worth a damn and the road there is full of bandits and wild beasts. Here's hoping he actually makes it. Me, I've gotta go to Whiterun once again to sell off some crap.

NEXT: Chapter 31, Vampires and Death Hounds and Gargoyles, Oh My! (skipping Diary of a Water Purifier episodes 1-4)
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