CHAPTER 29: ONCE YOU GO BLACK...
In which our hero narrowly escapes sexual assault by Batman
Previous: Chapter 28, Heard They're Reforming the Dawnguard

So, we head off to where Serana says there's a boat waiting for us. We kill a Thalmor patrol along the way who were (surprise!) escorting a poor nord prisoner whom I free and he subsequently runs off into the snow clad only in sackcloth. After that, we are attacked by a Thalmor hit squad who (surprise!) have a kill order out on me, probably for breaking up Elenwen's party.

Near where her boat is stashed is Northwatch Keep, which is full of Thalmor who are (surprise!) being dicks to passers-by, we reach a small boat that Serana says should be there. How long have you been locked underground, lady? You know this boat is still there? What if someone's made off with it?

Unsurprisingly, because the world would make no sense for anything else, the boat is there, and we hop in, and BAM we're at the castle. I tell Stenvar to wait on the shore, because I have the sneaky suspicion (probably from a past life or something) that if he comes in with me, when we get out again he'll be stuck behind the gate permanently.

Serana and I walk up the ramp, and she stops me and throws some exposition my way, and asks me to let her take the lead. I agree, and she proceeds to do... nothing. Swell. I guess you mean take the lead once we're inside the castle? Still can't walk ten feet without me holding your hand? Grow a backbone, kid.

The elderly gatekeeper, who I'm sure is a permanent resident of the castle and not someone who's just going to disappear forever in a moment, opens the gate and we walk on in. Inside is an Altmer who (surprise!) acts all condescending... but only for a moment. The instant he realizes who is with me, he gets all flustered and shouts to everyone that Serana has returned. Everyone proceeds a-murmering.

Everyone, in this case, being a bunch of vampires in a filthy dining room. For a group of people who pride themselves on their sophistication and class, they keep a pretty disgustingly-laid table. Bones, bloody dishes, and live people are strewn across the table, it's really quite gruesome. If I were a vampire lord, I'd have one of the thralls pick up once in a while.

Serana's daddy seems more interested in the scroll she's carrying than in Serana herself, for which I cannot fault him... I mean, there are vampires all over the place, but only one Elder Scroll. Still, you'd think he'd at least be a tiny bit grateful to me for retrieving his daughter from the ancient nord pez dispenser where she stuffed herself.

But I guess he actually is grateful after all. He introduces himself and tells me he's offering a reward for finding his daughter... I can become a vampire. Gee, thanks... fear of sunlight, threat of living with constant Dawnguard attacks, and a predilection for red-splattered decor aside, I'm just not interested in having my face transform like that. Looks like some of these vampires can split right down the middle. Amoebas ahoy!

I indicate my hesitation, and he tells me that I still need convincing. Behold the power, he says... and then explodes. Whoa. Dude... I, uh, I think you may have overdone "the power" just a bit. They'll be scraping bits of Batman off the walls for months!

But no, he's actually just transformed. Oh, wait, I get it... you're talking about the power to transform into a bat-winged monstrosity. Uh... nah. I'll pass. That power kind of (wait for it)... sucks. See, I thought that fear was the path to the dark side. Apparently all it really takes is an aggressively-delivered hickey. And that guy's just not quite as pretty as Stenvar... don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's got a nice personality, but I prefer my men with to have both feet on the ground, and this guy appears to be hovering just above it on a cloud of evil energy. I'll pass on the bite.

So... no thank you sir, I'm trying to limit the number of deific and demonic entities that hold claim over my soul on my death. Right now there's Shor and Nocturnal, I've narrowly slipped through Hircine's grasp, and I've no intention on worshipping Molag Bal. Harkon is so broken up about my refusal of his offer to nuzzle my neck that he summarily kicks me out into the snow. Some men just can't handle rejection. I guess I'll head back to Isran now. I do so, then smack my head and fast-travel back to the castle to pick up poor Stenvar, who was left alone and shivering in the cold. Sorry, dude. My bad.

Once we arrive (for reals, this time!) at Fort Dawnguard, we find out that it's under attack by a trio of vampires, who you'd think would have more sense than to assault a strong fortress full of heavily-armed vampire killers, but at this point I'm not surprised at vampiric idiocy any more. Isran starts speaking to me, but it's kind of hard to hear him because he's surrounded in a numbus of light that's making an awful racket. He seems irked that his hidden fortress was discovered so soon. I briefly reflect on how I was recruited (by a guy openly walking up to me and asking me to join in a loud voice that could be heard by anyone nearby), and then take my time looking over the fortress, examining the extremely visible high walls, and wonder how exactly he thinks this fortress is "hidden."

I give him the news, which was that I didn't kill a vampire and instead delivered an elder scroll, an object of apparently immense power, to a clan of vampires. He rightly expresses his exasperation at my refusal to kill a vampire and deliver the powerful thing to the vampires, at which I can only hang my head in shame. Sorry, dude. My bad.

Isran decides the best way to combat the vampires is to get some more recruits, so he sends me out after two of his old buddies, because nepotism is universal.

NEXT: Chapter 30, A Prophetable Venture
Start at Chapter 1