I really need to get this off my chest.

[Jumein]

Hello fellow ll'ers

 

I need to dump my lifestory somewhere and I know this is a place openminded people frequent.

 

Be warned, english is not my native language.

 

 

I am a 23 old guy with a non-lethal muscle disease studying to become a teacher in mathemathics and science.

It is a genetic disease although they still don't know after 12+ years if it was because of a mutation of through some recombination of genes.
To give an example of my condition. I use a weelchair. I can walk 50 meters without support, afterwards I am short of breath, my legs feel like jelly and when that happens I fear that I will fall for never to get up on my own.

I've gone some time to a gym. Sporting helped. A bit.

To put a rough estimate, I have around 2-4% of the constitution of a person my age. Strength is about 10-15%.

 

 

So my story begins:

 

 

At 6 years old I noticed I was different. I couldn't run as fast, as hard, as far and everything my friends could physically do, I could not.

My parents soon took notice and took me to the doctor and afterwards to a hospital.

 

There they concluded that while I do have a muscle disease, they do not know wich one.

So began the switching of hospitals untill the age of 8 we found a decent one with compassionate doctors regular appointments that discussed everything that could be influenced by my condition.

 

At one of the hospitals, an early one, they wanted to discover my actual strength and how much it impeded my daily life. They did so by putting multiple tabs on my body. Through those tabs they ran different currents of varying strength. All I remember is pain and that one moment i bit my mother in my arm to try to focus on something else. I think this happened when I was 6 and a half.

 

Anyway, when we went to my current hospital everything went for the better.

 

From 6-12 multiple things happened in school and enviroment. I stayed during breaks between lessons in the class because I didn't own a weelchair yet, the institution were apprehensive to label me as an invalid. I had regular nightmares of the situation in the first hospital.

 

But I had good friends, although they regularly looked at me with pity, that tried to be supportive.

 

At 9 years old, my doctor decided they needed a sample of my muscle tissue to research it. Operation done, huge scar on my leg (about 15 centimeters in length) and my father ready with my gameboy.

 

I have to mention that at 7 years old, when we got the definitive diagnostics, I saw my parents break down and cry. I didn't yet know the importance of the information my doctor brought us, so I tried to comfort my parents. Thinking back on it, I was a pretty naive kid.

At 11 years old i was finally declared invalid and got my weelchair. Now my friends and family could push me around. My world grew bigger.

At 12 years old I finished basic school and was transferred to a relatively high-class secondary school. My friends from basic school all went to another one. So once again I was alone and afraid of the world. 2 months in, I met one of my best friends. 2 months later, I met another 2 of my current best friends. So school life started despite the first hiccups. Never really struggled in school until 17 when the intensity of the lessons would skyrocket. At 15 I met my last current best friend.

When I was 16, our family found out that my mother was pregnant with twins. (On a side-note, I have a sister 2 years younger than me. She does not have the condition I have, she's perfectly normal. Even the shrilly and awkward fases girls go through. .)

But I was scared nonetheless that my future twin brothers would have my condition aswell.

My motivation then was going for geneticist. I threw myself in my studies, scored above average in maths and science, my major courses.

Then the twins came.

 

/intermezzo/

 

Every parent reading this, I have to tell you this: If you manage to raise a kid that can function in society as an openminded strong-willed individual, CONGRATZ! Nothing but respect for you guys.

 

/intermezzo over/

 

Me and my sister played a rather minor part in raising the two although we experienced everything very close. So close that at night I held the same sleep-schedule as the two little ones. It was exhausting. I couldn't function like this.

 

Around that time I started to reflect a lot about the world, myself and the works. You know, regular teenage angst and discovery to self.

 

At 18 I graduated from my secondary school and immediately went to a university to study biochemistry. At that time my best friend introduced my to manga/anime and steam.

 

Everyone can guess what happens now, no?

 

My free time was mostly spend on those 3, next to my friends who all have different extroverted lives and me the introverted one.

 

Then the results showed that the twins did not have my condition.

All of a sudden my motivation dissappeared to further my studies. I tried to continue for a total of 4 years where I only passed the 2 theoretical years.

 

Motivation gone. Child-rearing was hard, could not see myself doing it. Afraid my kids would have the same condition I do. Still no answer to the question if I could pass on the condition. Starting to get depressed, burnt-out and so on. Started having suicide thoughts.

So conclusion of the view I had for my future: No kids, moderately easy job, hopefully a wife as deviant as me and my friends. Not much to look forward though.

 

At the end of those 4 years I went to a psychiatryst for half a year to discuss my problems. I had trouble with managing my rage for annoying people, the effort to put in any initiative.

 

The rage was starting to get to me. In a classroom during the lesson, 2 19 year-olds were talking behind me about I-do-not-know-what. I was getting so pissed that they did not show the common courtesy of paying attention to the teacher that I was starting to imagine myself taking a pencil and stabbing it into one's eye. During break I ran off to cool myself down. Started to get afraid of myself and thus took the first steps of managing my mental state.

 

University fell in the water, didn't earn enough credits to start another year. I was 22 then. I was still unmotivated, depressed, afraid of telling my parents anything. Masturbating at least 2 times a day since I was 14. Developing sexual interests from heterosexual to futanari/hermaphrodites and bestiality despite still being a virgin.

 

So there I was, physically unable to do labor and not a diploma good enough for an intellectual job.

But I had an abundance of knowledge from my biochemistry studies to severely cut into the time for another study.

 

I always had an interest in teaching. So I went with that. Theoretical studies are easy, I study around 1-2 hours per course and pass with at least 13/20. The teaching itself I had to learn from scratch, despite that I noticed that I only needed half the time to prepare my lessons that others did.
The tasks I make the evening before or 2 evenings before because I still felt depressed and burnt-out. The fact that most courses were too easy did not help.

 

So...Right now... I am at my end of my first year... and I still feel life isn't worth it. Even thinking about sterilising myself. I don't have transportation of my own, always have to count on my parents to drive me somewhere and it is starting to grate on me. My parents are hugely annoying to be around. My mother is a stubborn, bitter woman counting on my father for the money and trying to raise the kids. My father loves us all but very aware of the tensions in the house. But both have quirks that are increasingly annoying.

 

So here I am, an introverted loner with depression trying to get away of home despite being practically chained to it and my parents refusing to let go.

 

For those that read this, thank you. Writing about it helped a bit.

 

 

Kind regards

 

Jumein

 

P.S. I had to finish 2 tasks around midnight but I didn't do it because I practically passed it already. It's 1:44 AM at the moment and have to get up at 6:00. So sleep tight everyone.

[Guest]

Sorry to hear about what's happened to you. Very tragic and dramatic. I almost cried.

I had similar situation. My older sister (30) is handicapped. She has cerebral palsy, she is deaf and she is mentally retarded (5 years old in her brain). When my father was alive, her condition went from bad to worst and my mother had a breakdown and she left him with my sister. Before her leaving she didn't have any relationship with him for two years. Always yelling at him and complaining. When she left I stayed with my father because he became very ill. he passed away 10 months ago. He was completely devastated with the situation in our home. So, I can truly understand what are you going through. After my father's death, i almost broke few time too. Last month and so I'm living with my uncle because my mother and sister moved in Germany because my mother got a job there and there is a better hospital and treatment for my sister. I don't think they will ever come back because it is the best for my sister to be there. Although my uncle is very good man, funny and fun, I miss my family a lot. Especially my father. Many times I feel lonely and alone but this community became my second family. I have a very good friends here who accepted me and helped me, especially CPU. Although I have english speaking problems too because it's not my native language, many of this wonderful people accepted me. I'm very thankful for that. So, if you need a friend, I'm here.

 

Thank you for sharing your life story.

[Guest]

Live your life, do not regret anything, as long as your mind is good, use it.

Be proud of yourself in what you can actually do. You cannot do what other guys do? What is the problem? Just do what makes you happy.

 

Need some guidance in finding what you will be proud of?

Sorry, I cannot say, and if I will say something it will be hypocrite.

You have to find it yourself. You know what you like. Nobody else can.

 

Just don't try to be happy to "look like" the other people.

Find something you like and you can do with your limited muscular activity and just enjoy it.

 

Sincerely.

CPU

[Carida]

Not much for me to say, other than, thank you for sharing and I hope you feel better  

 

-C

[Guest endgameaddiction]

The only advice I can really give you is don't let depression consume you. I'm telling you from experience. It will take you down a very long dark path and it will eat you up inside. Seek help and pursue the things that make you happy.

[Jumein]

Thanks for the replies. 

 

Elf prince, thanks for sharing yours. Let's share our misery so we can stand stronger against it.

 

CPU, I don't regret anything. I hope I think I do. But it is merely the matter of abandonment if I let through my quirks.
At the moment the only things that make me happy are enjoying time with my good friends and gaming.

 

Endgameaddiction. I really want to try, I think I do atleast but the effort just won't come through.

 

 

Tomorrow I'm going to try to initiate contact with the school counselor and see if they can help.

 

Thanks again for the replies and enjoy whatever you guys do.

 

 

Jumein

[sunder123]

Heya, folks. Amy condition updates? Jumein, were you able to contact the school counselor?

Glad people can share in the tough times.

[the_mess]

 and I still feel life isn't worth it.

 

It isn't tbh. Most of our life is just pain, being physical or mental. The good moments are too short. You suffer years just for a few days of feeling good. Totally not worth it.

[Deso561PL]

I don't give a fuck anymore.

 

I mean... I live like everyday is a last day of my life, for which i await greatly.

[GimmeBACON]

You might want to read this.

 

Life sucks... sometimes people get dealt shitty hands, and when we look at others whom were given all the opportunities to succeed, it kind of hurts inside. I suppose one of, if not the only thing my family gave me was an exit, so I could sink or swim on my own.

 

I don't know if you'll take what I say with spite or not, but, you should find an escape that is an escape... because staying in a situation you hate, with people you hate, will only have a negative impact on you; not to mention that you'll be able to see yourself from a different angle then you're accustomed to.

[naral]

I suffer from depression too, from an early age, and even if my story is completly different i understand the feeling of emptiness and the realization of how life is without meaning. I don't know if this helps but i can do two things:

first i can confirm that life is meaningless and empty that's not an illusion but, you can give it a meaning and i suggest to try to give it a self centered meaning (i for myself decided that i want to be a better person and i want to learn to live up to what i belive is a good person), then fuck the world!

second thing i can do is a short simplified recount of my life, i don't know if there's something in there that can help you in anyway, when i'm in a "down phase" with my depression i find usefull to read about others...

 

i had a pretty normal life, my body was above average when i was younger (only real problem is a strong astigmatism and partial stereoscopic vision but nothing to impede me with eye glasses), my mind is above average, my family is a culturally and financially above the average.

Everything above the average and everyone had great expectations on both me and my older sister (to give an idea when we were kids we started to talk and write early and our way of speaking was that of adults not of kids, ofc this didn't helped with our social relations).

I started doing sport at an early age, 3 years old with swimming and roller skating, then sailing and finally rugby. Even in sports i was well above the average and i had not quit with rugby (complex story, suffice to say that i cannot play anymore due to a congenit problem with my spine) i would have surely had been taken into the under 21 national team.

 

When i was 17 i met a girl, untill then i had some girls buzzing around me but none picked my interest, this time though she intrigued me and we ended up together. We were the envy of everyone: both intelligent, mature, good looking (she at least XD) and our relationship was very mature considering our age. From 17 to 20 years i was truly happy, even having to drop rugby hadn't been too much hard thx to my grilfriend and my friends.

 

To make things short ofc happiness never lasts long and between relationship problems with my girlfriend, university, familiar problems (long story but untill that time i never realized how the problems between my father and my mother had been affecting me since i was little and how they were eroding me) i had a breakdown that exploded when my grilfrend left me after 6 years of relationship. At that time i was alredy in bad shape but after that i was in pieces. I had nothing left, i lived mainly for my girlfriend and i had always problems with depression, so things were very bad and i saw first hand what they say: you don't really know what you have untill you lose it.

Result of this was university becoming a thing that i'm closing this year (after something like 10 years) and not because i care, i progressively stopped seeing my old friends as i progressivly stopped being able to endure their flaws and now i rarely see anyone (my only friends live in other cities so i get out only when they come back). Before that time i had at least some reasons to endure things i didn't really liked after that i have lost all incentives.

 

I found that depression isn't something that leaves you unless it is tied to some specific problem that can be solved: in my case i simply find everything empty and really stupid, things i like and find beatifull are considered little by everyone else (art for ex. and i'm from italy -.- ), what is important for everyone to me is at best childish, and i have built a complex view of the world and life since i was little (when i was 4 i declared to be atheist with an explanation that i still belive in, imagine in italy where we have the vatican and can't make two steps without passing in front of a church!) that isn't what most could say "happy".

 

When i was in the worst period of depression i tried to personalize it, visualizing depression as a person helped a lot! Before that i was only suffering, incapable of doing much about it, as soon as i gave my depression a human shape i was able to "talk to her" and react or at least feel not so powerless. In the end time does what it does, my parents managed to solve their coniugal problems with the help of my sister and mine and i have found a sort of balance with depression: there are times when she gets to me and times when i almost forgot of her, in the end i accepted depression as a part of me or a consequence of who i am and luckly i always liked myself while i always disliked the universe (marvin from hitchikers guide to the galaxy is a kindred spirit). I may not be fond anymore of my body but i'm fond of my personality and of who i am.

 

What of the future? i'm seriously thinking i need to change life, something major like going in a place completly different (samoa? mexico? something like that) and live a less occidental life, maybe open a bar or small resturant on the beach and live peacefully and without the constant stupid state of stress of what we call "normal life", if i don't find something to live for when my parents will die i would have really nothing left and i belive i know what would happen then XD so next year is the time to change has soon as i finally end this damned university! i hope i will have the strenght to at least try.

maybe a boat? a sailing boat would be nice.

[Deso561PL]

Happiness is a lie.

[foreshadow216]

(sorry if this seems a bit awkward im really shy)

I’m a depressed and cynical loner a person that only wanted to meet the expectations of everyone

And be accepted but in the pursuit of that goal I compromised myself and in short this destroyed my confidence along with my happiness but let’s get to the point.  

 

Your story reminded me a little about myself someone who tried to meet too many expectations at once and cracked from the pressure. All I can say is you should try to prioritize your own happiness over others it’s okay to be selfish I mean who isn’t.

 

But anyway best of wishes

And I hope you get the happiness

You deserve.

[Jumein]

I am currently having monthly appointments with a psychologist and thinking life over. It will probably be a long process before any improvement can be seen and I hope people with similar situations at least have someone to talk to.