legendarytoyou Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I'll get right to the point; I'm writing a book. Its a mix of Sci-Fi/Religion/Fantasy that's almost akin to the Justice League but very different. Personally I don't think I'm that good of a writer. I tend to make typos, mistakes and run-on sentences and when I try to correct that I think I end doing more harm than good. Truth of the matter is I need some constructive criticism. The, "lolz itz suckz!" will be ignored of course but I need some actual critique. Is this something you would like to read? Do I need to put more emphasis on narrative work? Would it help to remove conversational plots as in to much, "he said," and, "she said." Is it to broken, multiple plots that seem to independent of each other? That kind of thing. This will be the first time that I will definitely be striving to publish. This is NOT a fan-fiction (which I've written before but they never went anywhere) and is an original work. Don't be shy, tell me what you think and if there are productive changes I can make it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you LoversLab for your time. GodFistChapterThree.rtf PS I hope its okay to post here. If not moderators please feel free to move this where you think its appropriate. If its against forum rules feel free to delete as well. I'm just looking for some non-biased criticism (you know your sister, mother and close friends will always say its great when its not).
Mord Sif Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 That is a really intriguing plot you're developing there! And that last little bit (assuming I'm interpreting it right) Damian was at the Battle of Hastings, 1066!? was a great hook to make me want to know more! You're right about friends and family. They don't want to hurt your feelings by saying it's rubbish. Thankfully one of my brothers takes great delight in ripping my own writing to pieces, and he's the first one I show my stuff to now! I haven't fully woken up yet this morning, so this might not be very coherent, but a few points: Damian and Dharmian are very similar names for what look to be the main characters. Unless there's a plot relevance to that, it might be an idea to change one to avoid confusion? With Damian, it's probably best to refer to him by the same name in the narrative all the time. (Either always Damian, or always Krete, again, to avoid confusion.) Other characters would, of course, use whichever one of the two they prefer in their own dialogue. And one other minor point on names. (Something I always notice.) In dialogue, when one character addresses another by name, title, nickname etc. there should be a comma before and/or after that name. For example: “Damian I need you to get in touch with your squad..." should be “Damian, I need you to get in touch with your squad..." and “Let me go you german goat!” should be “Let me go, you german goat!” (Oh, and German, not german! ) There are lots of "to" when you mean "too" - something I often mess up to. Uh... Too, damn it! Formatting is a little rough, making paragraphs seem to bleed into one another. That can often be one of the last things you do, though, so maybe not so important at this point. I would say that sometimes there are paragraphs when two different people are speaking, like one right near the beginning where both Leng and Zhu have dialogue. Splitting them into their own paragraphs would make it easier to follow who's saying what. This looks like chapter 3, right? So maybe some of these characters have already been introduced in the story, but I was a little overwhelmed by all those generals talking without being given an idea of who they were and where they were and what they looked like. Maybe a short descriptive passage to set up the location, and then to introduce each of them just before, or after, they first speak might be an idea? Though, like I said, this might have been taken care of in earlier chapters. SADA: Seek And Destroy Adverbs!!! Ha, ha! Another thing I regularly put into my own writing and have to weed out. Any "-ly" words. Worriyngly, grimly, nervously, etc. Whenever you find one of those words in your writing, try to replace it with an actual description of how the character feels to reflect that they're worried, how the character's expression or body language shows he's delivering grim news, how a character looks or feels or acts when nervous etc. Basically, rather than tell the reader, show the reader. This is tough, but makes for much better writing if you can do it. Also, yes, I'd say try to avoid too many substitutes for "said" - like answered, started, began, retorted - that sort of thing. Either just stick mainly with said, and use a few others sparingly. Or - better yet, but also tough to pull off - try to hardly ever use anything like that at all. Construct your dialogue and paragraphs in a way that the reader knows which character is speaking to which other character. This can also tie in with hunting down the adverbs: ...say you've got Mr A saying something insulting to Mr B, then Mr B responds. Rather than use something like, "Is that so?" Mr B retorted angrily, go for something more like, Mr B took a step forward, clenching his fist. "Is that so?" (That's a quick, rough example, but hopefully it makes it more interesting.) Finally, I kind of felt like every use of the word "thus" was a little out of place. There. Hope I've ripped it to pieces to your satisfaction! Don't be disheartened by any of this. It is really promising stuff and I'm definitely interested what happens next!
legendarytoyou Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 That is a really intriguing plot you're developing there! And that last little bit (assuming I'm interpreting it right) Damian was at the Battle of Hastings, 1066!? was a great hook to make me want to know more! You're right about friends and family. They don't want to hurt your feelings by saying it's rubbish. Thankfully one of my brothers takes great delight in ripping my own writing to pieces, and he's the first one I show my stuff to now! I haven't fully woken up yet this morning, so this might not be very coherent, but a few points: Damian and Dharmian are very similar names for what look to be the main characters. Unless there's a plot relevance to that, it might be an idea to change one to avoid confusion? With Damian, it's probably best to refer to him by the same name in the narrative all the time. (Either always Damian, or always Krete, again, to avoid confusion.) Other characters would, of course, use whichever one of the two they prefer in their own dialogue. And one other minor point on names. (Something I always notice.) In dialogue, when one character addresses another by name, title, nickname etc. there should be a comma before and/or after that name. For example: “Damian I need you to get in touch with your squad..." should be “Damian, I need you to get in touch with your squad..." and “Let me go you german goat!” should be “Let me go, you german goat!” (Oh, and German, not german! ) There are lots of "to" when you mean "too" - something I often mess up to. Uh... Too, damn it! Formatting is a little rough, making paragraphs seem to bleed into one another. That can often be one of the last things you do, though, so maybe not so important at this point. I would say that sometimes there are paragraphs when two different people are speaking, like one right near the beginning where both Leng and Zhu have dialogue. Splitting them into their own paragraphs would make it easier to follow who's saying what. This looks like chapter 3, right? So maybe some of these characters have already been introduced in the story, but I was a little overwhelmed by all those generals talking without being given an idea of who they were and where they were and what they looked like. Maybe a short descriptive passage to set up the location, and then to introduce each of them just before, or after, they first speak might be an idea? Though, like I said, this might have been taken care of in earlier chapters. SADA: Seek And Destroy Adverbs!!! Ha, ha! Another thing I regularly put into my own writing and have to weed out. Any "-ly" words. Worriyngly, grimly, nervously, etc. Whenever you find one of those words in your writing, try to replace it with an actual description of how the character feels to reflect that they're worried, how the character's expression or body language shows he's delivering grim news, how a character looks or feels or acts when nervous etc. Basically, rather than tell the reader, show the reader. This is tough, but makes for much better writing if you can do it. Also, yes, I'd say try to avoid too many substitutes for "said" - like answered, started, began, retorted - that sort of thing. Either just stick mainly with said, and use a few others sparingly. Or - better yet, but also tough to pull off - try to hardly ever use anything like that at all. Construct your dialogue and paragraphs in a way that the reader knows which character is speaking to which other character. This can also tie in with hunting down the adverbs: ...say you've got Mr A saying something insulting to Mr B, then Mr B responds. Rather than use something like, "Is that so?" Mr B retorted angrily, go for something more like, Mr B took a step forward, clenching his fist. "Is that so?" (That's a quick, rough example, but hopefully it makes it more interesting.) Finally, I kind of felt like every use of the word "thus" was a little out of place. There. Hope I've ripped it to pieces to your satisfaction! Don't be disheartened by any of this. It is really promising stuff and I'm definitely interested what happens next! Oh no you've been very helpful thank you UPDATE: I've take your advice and made some changes. Rhya, a fertility goddess from many ancient religions, is now being used instead of Dharmian. It's more appropriate given the main characters real desire. I've also taken to calling Damian just Krete now as it seems less confusing. I also wish to point out to everyone to feel free to say anything more not just one reply. Download it and tell me what you think. Here's the updated version: GodFistChapterThree.rtf For now I am keeping this to just my third chapter. I realize I still have some grammar problems (to and too is well..to damn confusing...um or too damn confusing xD) but I tried to change as much as I could without dismantling the entire plot. Also Mord Sif yes Krete is old...VERY old and has been leading troops into combat for nearly a millennial. How old he is well he's not entirely sure himself
...0... Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Well i can only encourage you for this attemp! Bussy reading a book at moment already with limited time, sorry. Good luck.
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