The Elder Strolls: SexLab Edition

[Guest]

A year or two ago I read a pretty amusing miniblog/article series on PC Gamer by the name of “The Elder Strolls”. Well, “amusing” doesn’t quite convey my meaning; even rereading it recently, it’s easily the funniest Skyrim-related story I’ve ever read, and it definitely felt like time well spent. If you haven’t read it, I’d recommend you go check it out now, ‘cause it’s probably ten times better than anything I’m going to write here.

 

Anyway, the general idea behind the series is what it would be like to play as an NPC (oxymoronic, I know) – 0 progression in the storyline, no questing or joining a guild, no stealing, no fast travel, no reloading a previous save if something goes wrong, and absolute permadeath. The only goal, really, was to survive. Naturally, due mainly to the final restriction, the series was quite short-lived. Still, it seemed like an interestingly uninteresting way to play the game, and I decided to give it a shot. About an hour in I realized that I was narrating in my head in a similar manner as the aforementioned series did, and I figured I might as well go all the way and start over, writing it down as I go this time.

 

Unlike the original series, I’ll be running a sizable number of mods, most of them cosmetic but some of them functional, including Skyrim Redone, RND and Frostfall, Interesting NPCs and Populated Roads, and of course the SL framework/lots of SL mods (primarily Defeat and Sanguine’s Debauchery, which may make it easier to survive but will most likely just be a pain in the ass). Oh, and I’ll be starting my game via Live Another Life so as to avoid making any story progress whatsoever. 

 

I haven’t even done a normal playthrough with most of these, so it’s going to be pretty interesting. So, the ruleset I’ll be using:

 

- No intentional completion of any quest that requires combat, or any story/guild quest, and general avoidance of combat wherever possible

- No reloading saves, including in the event of death, unless it’s necessary because of a bug

- No fast travel, no carriages, and no running/sprinting (unless there’s a reason)

- RND stays on at base values and Frostfall on hardcore for the whole playthrough, with death to dehydration/hypothermia possible

- Stealing will be allowed, but no fighting friendly NPCs if I get caught

 

I’ll be playing on Expert, as Master/Legendary will probably be impossible later on if I’m not really improving my combat skills.

Well, here we are. Gonna go ahead and warn you, I haven’t written anything even semi-professionally in a long time (which is part of the reason I’m doing this), so I’m a bit rusty. Hopefully it’ll be enjoyable enough anyway, or failing that, amusingly bad. Oh, and of course a quick content warning, as there’ll likely be mild-moderate sexual content depending on what kind of situations my character gets herself into (though all images should be hidden behind spoiler tags to conserve space anyway).

 

-----

 

Mi’natsuki’s nonadventure in Skyrim starts a bit before midday, in the wreckage of what seems to be a produce cart. In a karmic twist of fate, the horse and carriage I had stolen merely hours before was set upon by ruthless bandits, or apparently ruthlessly polite bandit pilgrims.

 

 

They just kind of stand around there for a minute and let me get my bearings, which I waste no time in doing. In my possession are the following:

 

- A shirt

- Pants

- Shoes

 

And that’s it. Wonderful. Actually, the shirt is attached to the pants, so I really only have two things. Before I have the chance to contemplate whether having two boots makes up for having a onesie and brings me back up to three items, the bandit-pilgrims run off.

 

 

Fortunately, the wolves are too focused on pilgrims and foxes to notice me hiding behind the corpse of my horse. Clearing out the remains of my(?) cart, I manage to scrounge together a few apples and a bottle of ale, plus some meat from... elsewhere. Sorry buddy, NPCs gotta eat, you know how it is.

 

After I finish disemboweling my horse I decide I should head out – those wolves can probably smell the blood from a mile away. Like sharks, but with legs. (Excuse me while I go change my pants.) There’s a giant camp not too far off, and I decide to see if I can find anything of value. I’m not really big on the whole concept of “personal property”.

 

 

A few minutes later, I manage to lose him by crossing a hot spring. Apparently giants are deathly afraid of warm water. Well, I’m kinda tired now, but a couple bowls of cheese and two more slabs of horse meat richer. My internal compass tells me there’s a standing stone nearby, so I head off in that vague direction. I run into a lone wolf along the way, but I’m able to gently incapacitate him to death with a strong right hook and continue on.

 

Before long, I’m standing next to something my infallible internal voice informs me is called “The Atronach Stone”. A similar, though distinct, immersion-breaking voice informs me of its properties – I’ll absorb magicka from enemy spells and have a larger pool of my own, but have next to nothing as far as regenerative abilities go.

 

 

As I care approximately jack shit about spells, it’s basically a 50% magic damage reduction. Yes please. Touching the stone releases some disturbing lights that, were I more scientifically-minded, I would probably assume were related to radiation. Fortunately, ignorance is indeed bliss, and I continue on happily oblivious of the horrible tumors I may or may not be developing. That’s for future me to worry about.

 

A few live wolves and a (fortunately) deceased sabrecat later, I manage to make it to the small town of Darkwater Crossing. I gather all the wheat growing haphazardly about, apparently planted by some inebriated farmhand, and then move on to the daunting but more pleasurable task of relieving the locals of all their valuables.

 

 

I manage to make out with two loaves of bread, a lockpick, and 11 gold coins before moving on to another mark, who catches me immediately and tries to stab me. I might’ve stuck around to loot the various ores lying around town if not for their resident wizard, who just had to take things personally. She doesn’t really seem to know any offensive spells though, so I just run away while she repeatedly casts shields on herself and eventually gets distracted by a pack of wolves.

 

 

Fast forward a few hours, and the most interesting thing that’s happened is rain. Which, as it happens, is actually incredibly uninteresting. A wolf pack attacks me in typical action-movie fashion – one at a time, in slow motion. My fists are still the only weapon I have, but they’re enough to get the job done, and I come away three pelts richer. Unfortunately, I can’t wear them, and at this point I’m pretty cold and wet. 

 

I scarf down the loaves of bread I borrowed earlier to sate my growing hunger and start looking for a place to sleep, as it’s getting dark and I’m now very cold and very wet. I passed a lumber mill a while back, but my mysterious internal compass tells me that I’m about the same distance from a cave now, and I’m not sure if the mill had a bunkhouse or not. Of course, some random cave is even less likely to have a place to sleep, so I double back and hope for the best.

 

 

I spend about five minutes trying to jump up this rock before giving up and going around. Great, now I’m not even stupidly stubborn, I’m just stupid. Whatever, I just want a bed. As luck would have it, there IS a bunkhouse, and it’s unlocked.

 

 

Unfortunately, it’s only slightly less cold and wet inside, and it’s already occupied by this hobo and some random kid.

 

 

After talking with the guy a while, I find out that the girl here isn’t his daughter, and I stop asking questions. Better not to know.

So, here are my options:

 

1. Spend the night with a possibly pedophilic hobo

2. Go back out into the rain for two hours and try to find that cave again

 

My fear of being assaulted in my sleep takes a backseat to my fear of freezing to death, so I decide to stay. What’s the worst that could happen? I’m probably too old for him anyway.

[Guest]

When we last left dear, sweet, precious, sweet Mi’natsuki, she was trying to sleep in a leaky hobo shack while under the scrutiny of a possible sexual predator. I wake up feeling surprisingly unviolated, until I look over and see that this perv has been watching me all night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Literally two seconds after I get up, he comes over and starts sniffing my pillow. Stay classy, creeper.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I eat the last of my food before I leave and gather a bit more from the shack, though it’s pretty much all stale at this point. I would’ve grabbed some ale as well, but most of the bottles were empty or covered in hobo-filth, and I really didn’t want superAIDS or whatever you get from drinking after a guy like that. I bid predator, kid, and cabin a not-so-fond farewell and head back out into the world. (P.S.: Don’t worry kid, Stockholm syndrome should kick in soon. You’ll be fine.)

 

Unfortunately, after a night spent soaking wet in a hut with more holes than roof, I’m unsurprisingly colder than before. It’s also 4am, which means there’s no chance of improvement for quite a while. I decide to head back towards the cave I saw last night before I freeze to death. For the first hour or so it’s fairly uneventful – my contact with other living beings came to a total of one goat, which I killed for the sick bling it was in possession of.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shortly after that, however, I see fighting up ahead, and drop into a crouch. Looks like two or three guys attacking someone who’s holding a torch. The scuffle ends pretty quickly, and the assailants run off –away from me, fortunately. Once they’re a safe distance away, I make my way over to where the corpse is – or where it should be, based on the torch. I can’t actually find it, although I’m able to loot the guy from his/her torch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

S/he had a sizable amount of stuff and a huge gear upgrade on me, which makes me think I would’ve dropped pretty quickly had I chosen to participate in the fight. For NPCs like me, though, trying to help a fellow traveler takes a backseat to, you know, living, so I try not to involve myself. Which has its own rewards, it seems, as the gear on this one corpse alone is worth ten times as much as everything I’ve gotten up ‘til now. Doesn’t look half-bad, either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, while I’m busy admiring and taking pictures of my spiffy new armor, my exposure has been steadily increasing, which I don’t notice until I hear a crackling frost sound. Right. That’s still a thing. I decide that now’s probably a good time to pick up the pace, and I start running. Unfortunately, with my joints frozen, there’s not really much of an improvement. I briefly, desperately consider fighting a sabrecat over possession of a shack I can see in the distance, but that would require crossing a freezing river and I doubt that I could even kill the thing in my weakened state.

 

Instead, I opt to continue toward my original destination – the cave that never seems to get any closer. Unfortunately, this is going to require going higher into the mountains, and that’s going to chill me quite rapidly. If I encounter any resistance I’m probably going to freeze to death before I make it. Even with the sun coming up, I’m not getting any warmer, and I’m starting to think that coming so far north without adequate protection was a pretty stupid idea.

 

Luck seems to be on my side, though – moving towards the cave revealed another shelter on my internal compass. If memory serves, it’s Mara’s Eye Den, a vampire nest (though of course I have no way of knowing this as I’ve never been here before and I must have read it somewhere and shut up I’m trying not to break the fourth wall here). It’s clearly in a much warmer area, but there’s the whole vampire thing to contend with. Not exactly the friendliest place, but it might be better than going further into the unknown.

 

My decision is made for me when I see the hurricane-force winds blowing across the snowdrifts I need to cross. My exposure meter is already about 60% full and I’m still soaked. I’m not getting anything but hypothermia trying to go that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luckily, as the sun is rising, the vampires are going to sleep, so I’m able to sneak in and warm up by the fire. There’s a dead Vigilant of Stendarr here that I don’t have time to feel sorry for because I’m too busy stripping him of all his valuables. In the end I’ve gotten about a hundred gold, a few gems and potions, and a pretty decent mace. Then I do something stupid and try pickpocketing one of the sleeping vampires. I get caught because I’m the shittiest thief of all time, and I have to beat a hasty retreat back out of the cave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Due to a fear of sunlight and/or ladders on the part of the vampires, I’m not pursued, but the pair did significant damage to me and I almost die to mudcrabs on the surface. THAT would’ve been an embarrassing end. Going back across the lake drenches me again, but my total exposure is a lot lower now and slowly decreasing because of the sunlight. I manage to make it back to where I found the invisible corpse last night because I have a terrible sense of direction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I start heading towards Windhelm, because I feel like I’m going to need a cloak and a helmet to survive out here for much longer. Maybe I can also steal a horse or something, because seriously, it takes forever to get anywhere like this.

 

My exposure quickly starts climbing again as I move further north, until I can barely even move except by sprinting. My exposure bar is up at about 80% when the stables come into view. That was close, but finally, I’ve got a place to-

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shit shit shit. I’m really cold. Still, Windhelm proper is only about a minute away, and a few seconds beyond the gate, a warm fire. As long as nothing stops me I should be-

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any other time, perverse though it may be, this would be a pretty happy moment, but not even gold is enough to grab my interest right now.

 

I make it to the inn with maybe ten seconds to spare before my exposure bar is maxed out. Phew. I’ve been in Skyrim for less than 24 hours and I’ve already almost frozen to death twice. Not exactly a great start, but maybe things will get better.

 

And then my game crashed. I’m not particularly superstitious, but it’s hard to misinterpret that.

[penzor]

This was really interesting. Maybe more?

[Guest]

Yeah, I've got the gameplay for one more installment/chapter/whatever, just gotta write it up and sort through my screenshots. Hopefully I'll have it up within a couple hours, and maybe another tonight if I've got the time. Glad you're enjoying it

[Guest]

So, where were we? Oh, that’s right – thawing out while checking on the obscene sum of money I inherited from a deceased relative.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know who “Mercenary Wizard” is, but the letter is from Jarl Skald, who I’m pretty sure rules over Falkreath, an area approximately 4 billion miles from anywhere I’ve ever traveled. I consider returning the money because it was clearly meant for someone else, then decide to keep it as a reward for my honesty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A couple hours of shopping, crafting, and beating up the locals ensue, and I get together a backpack, a cloak, a few camping supplies and a woodcutter’s axe. When all’s said and done I’m sitting at about 700 gold, which isn’t really enough to buy anything decent because of how obscenely expensive everything here is. I consider buying a helmet just for the exposure protection, but the merchant only sells heavy armor, and I don’t feel like spending half my remaining gold to become an even shittier sneak.

 

Miraculously, though, I manage to leave the city without getting arrested and only obtain one new quest the entire time, received from a guard too scared to try to talk a child out of killing someone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I’m leaving the city, I’m trying to decide where to go next but get distracted by a horse. It seems to have wandered a bit from the stables, and as I’m deciding whether or not stealing it would be worth the bounty, it walks over and reveals that my inner conflict was completely unnecessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Myself and the newly christened “Ride Horse” are becoming fast friends. We gossip, do our nails, talk about boys, trample wild animals. The usual stuff. Travel is still pretty slow because I have to get off him every two seconds to pick an ingredient or loot a wolf, but it’s nice to know that he’s there if I need him.

 

A few minutes into our aimless wandering, who do we run into but our good friend Mercenary Wizard!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Despite me receiving money from Falkreath Hold, the corpse is way up here in Eastmarch, and I can’t quite figure out the mystery because I’m too busy stuffing loot into my pockets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once I’ve buried her in proper Nordic fashion (or at least dragged her under some bushes, I’m not really sure how Nords treat their dead) and equipped her hood, I realize it’s starting to get kinda dark and I’m sort of completely freezing again. On checking my map, I see that I’ve only moved about two feet from Windhelm, and I could probably make it back before sundown if I wanted to. I kind of enjoy not feeling like a complete failure, though, and gaining no ground in twelve hours kind of does that to me. I decide to press on.

 

I pass another mill (no thank you, I’m not that desperate yet) in favor of a campsite a bit further up the road. After embarrassingly failing to pick a locked chest behind a nearby waterfall with my one lockpick, I return to camp soaked and even colder than before. Luckily there’s still a fire burning and I’m able to dry myself off before a peaceful night of uninterrupted sleep.

 

Oh wait, no, I get woken up after an hour by these assholes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I briefly consider fighting them, but a single hit from one of them drops my health down to about half, and I realize I have no chance here. I run them all the way back down to the mill, loop around and come back, buying enough time for Ride Horse to catch back up to me (wherever the hell he disappeared to).

 

We beat a hasty retreat, but the thugs are persistent and keep following. I try to turn on them after we meet up with an Imperial Guard, but it must be his night off or something because he just sits there while I get dropped to 30% health.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I keep running, until I meet up with a travelling Vigilant of Stendarr. He’s sure to help me, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, apparently 100% of authority figures in Skyrim are either lazy or cowardly, so I’m going to have to solve this myself. And I do – I solve it the only way I know how.

 

Running away.

 

* * *

 

Morning of the third day of my nonadventure in Skyrim finds me hiding in some frozen cave somewhere, and damned if this isn’t a lot more adventure than I signed up for. I take a peek outside and god damn, they’ve followed me here. Don’t you guys have better things to do?

 

They haven’t noticed me yet, and while they’re distracted by a wolf I sneak around and pickpocket one of the guys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Verner, eh? I should’ve known. You’ve just been added to a very exclusive list known as “douchebags”, and I’ll probably tell everyone I meet what a douchebag you are. I ONLY WANTED SOME BREAD and a bit of gold and a lockpick. WAS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK? Unfortunately, my mutterings are a bit louder than intended, and the thugs finally notice me. Well, time for my favorite exercise – running away while being pelted in the back with semi-effective sword blows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ride Horse has run off in the opposite direction I have, but I manage to lose the bandits long enough to track him down. Once I get on we’re outta there.

 

About an hour later we manage to find an inn not too far off the road, which is good because I’ve almost frozen to death again. I shell out ten gold for a room, only to find that the previous occupant has left behind ten times that in gold and valuables. Don’t mind if I do. A book in another room levels up my Wayfarer skill, and hey, I’m up to level 2 now! Not too shabby.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After stealing everything that I (safely) can, I go ahead and sleep for the rest of the night. I grab a quick bite when I wake up, and I’m about to head out when I have a better idea. This inn has a cellar, right? Spoiler alert, it totally does, and there’s a back way out from there. I’m not sure if the bandits are still after me, but better safe than sorry.

 

I sneak out the hatch, and my psychic link with Ride Horse calls him over to me. No alarms have been sounded yet – so far, so good. As I hop on my horse, I hear the call of a bandit. Haha, too late now! So long, suckers!

 

And then I run right into them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fortunately, there’s always plan B. Time to start running.

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Phew, done. That was the longest post yet, and that's after trimming quite a bit of it down and splitting some off into the next chapter. Sorry for the later-than-promised upload, got coerced into having lunch with someone and then they dragged me around shopping for 4 hours. I'll try and post two tomorrow, but I'm burned out for now. Enjoy!

[Ashra XIII]

I gotta read part 3 still, but I like it so far. I'm kinda interested in seeing some close-ups of your character though... she's always so far away.

 

Edit: Is leveling not against the rules for an NPC? I thought it was in the play-through you are emulating, but maybe I'm wrong. Whether you decide to continue that way or not, I'm interested in more episodes!

[Guest]

I gotta read part 3 still, but I like it so far. I'm kinda interested in seeing some close-ups of your character though... she's always so far away.

 

Edit: Is leveling not against the rules for an NPC? I thought it was in the play-through you are emulating, but maybe I'm wrong. Whether you decide to continue that way or not, I'm interested in more episodes!

First off, really glad you're enjoying it. I was kinda nervous about posting at first, but seeing people enjoy it has given me a lot of confidence.

 

As far as close-ups go, there's actually a reason for that (at least early on). My character is, obviously, a custom race, but one of my own making - I cobbled it together from a few different assets, and while I'm pretty happy with the result I'm also quite new at this. In the early screenshots, if you look closely, you'll notice some seams that I was trying pretty hard to hide. Here's one of the hand seams as an example, but there were also issues around the neck and ankles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's not as obvious from the front, but from the sides especially it was pretty bad.

 

Of course, I've since fixed the issue, so I have no excuse now except that I'm a pretty bad photographer

 

In the future I'll try to take more pictures than just me looting things/running away from things/looting things while running away from other things.

 

 

As far as leveling goes, it wasn't really touched on in the playthrough I linked, but in his Oblivion version, leveling was allowed, so I just assumed the same for Skyrim. Then again, was leveling in Oblivion compulsory? It's been ages since I've played it at all, and I didn't play it very much even when it was new.

 

As for my personal view - I don't really consider leveling up un-NPClike, as (at least with Skyrim Redone, I'm not certain about vanilla) enemies will gain perks and level their own attributes at the same time you do. I could just stay at level 1 the whole game, but honestly I think that'd get pretty boring. Of course, I don't expect to survive too long anyway, so...

 

Again, though, glad you're enjoying the story, and thanks for the feedback.

[Ashra XIII]

Actually, now that I think about it, Nordrick must have leveled up, because blacksmithing perks aren't gained automatically, and he was able to craft dwarven armor by the end. I was of the mindset that they do increase automatically because I use SPERG talent overhaul.

 

Nevermind me, carry on!

 

Edit: BTW, regarding your custom race... is it a Khajiit with a more human face? I had been scouring the Nexus sometime ago trying to create such a thing, and I found a good combination of mods, but unfortunately the one that lightened the fur up-front and would make the character's chest/boobs hair-free was reported as being broken or something so I never used it. Also, the mod author who created the humanistic heads on beast races couldn't get the ears to work, so those had to be worn like hats if you wanted them. Anyways, I'm curious to see how yours really looks, so I hope you can post some close ups!

[GodKingLaw]

Interesting work... reminds me of a lets play. thanks for taking us on the adventure.

 

Though I hate the hud appearing in screen shots ( I don't even use it) I see how you are using it to highlight certain parts of your story. Cool

 

waiting for more

 

Yes would like to see a close up of your character.

[Guest]

Ask, and ye shall receive! First 3 are clothed, other 3 are nude. Noticed that there's still a neck seam I didn't blend quite properly, so I'll have to take care of that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For those that are curious, I used the skeleton and human face morph from Children of the Sky along with normal Khajiit body texture, then scaled it up. It isn't too difficult to do, but at the time I was completely new to the Creation Kit and I made a lot of mistakes.

 

Edit: ogawd quality is terrible. They look a lot better on my computer, can't tell if imgur compressed them a ton or my internet is just bad right now.

[Ashra XIII]

They all seem very dark. I can sorta make out what she is, but it's very difficult hehe.

 

Very cool! I'd like to see more of her, both in clearer pictures and further 'Elder Strolls' type adventures!

[Guest]

Very enjoyable. Please keep adding to Elder Strolls. 

[Guest]

Remember in Chapter 1, when I made a passing joke about Les Misérables and being the Skyrim version of Jean Valjean? Well, that’s my life now. I run from place to place, hunted down by some assholes that want to destroy my life just because I took a couple loaves of bread. They’re obsessed. No matter how hellish my time on this world is, they’re determined to follow the same path, driving me even further down this dark road, just because they’re incapable of seeing the humanity inside me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even worse is that I never know exactly how close they are, what kind of pace they’re setting, exactly how much they’re toying with me. For instance, not thirty seconds away from the inn, I see this huge group of pilgrims sitting on one spot, staring at a dead goat. They must’ve gotten stuck or something, because they just won’t move on. They’re just… staring.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I sit there watching them for five minutes, waiting for something to happen, and see neither hide nor hair of the jerks chasing me. Five minutes, with the inn I just escaped from literally in my line of sight, and they can’t seem to track me down. Fine, I guess I’ve lost them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I ride through a blizzard for two hours straight, pause to eat a bite of food, maybe get my bearings, and they’re on top of me again the second I get off of Ride Horse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So we keep going. Days. Weeks. Maybe years go by. All that’s left is myself and the looming shadow of those that want me dead. Despair fills me up, then empties me out again. Is this all there is? How many decades have I been running? How much of my life have I lost to a single mistake?

 

Actually, it’s been about two hours, but it kinda stretches out in your head. However, I may have found a more permanent solution to my bandit problems – a wandering knight heading back in the direction they’re chasing me from. Also, that courier from Windhelm. How the hell did he catch up with me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I decide to stick with him (the knight, not the courier) until we run into the thugs again, which is about three seconds later. However, help comes from a rather unexpected source – the douchebags chasing me have decided to pick a fight with an entire fort of necromancers. And… they’re actually winning. Jeez, if these guys weren’t so intent on killing me, I’d try to recruit them as followers.

 

One of the mages flees in our direction before being cut down, and the thug he dragged with him finally sees me. Even alone and at half health, she puts up quite a fight, but I eventually emerge victorious thanks to the cheerleading capabilities of my knight friend. (In all seriousness, though, if I had depended on this guy to help me, I would’ve died horribly. Is everyone in Skyrim a complete wuss now? Or, sorry, a “pansy milk drinker”?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The other two bandits are nowhere to be seen, but I don’t have high hopes about their deaths. I’m just going to operate on the assumption that they’re still alive and slightly more pissed off now.

 

With that in mind, I duck into a roadside mine for no longer than it takes to warm up… and strip it of all its valuables, which are approximately none.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I get a whopping three iron ore for my efforts. Whoo, I can almost make a dagger that’s about two tiers below my current equipment! On the plus side, I’m able to pickpocket 2 lockpicks and 6 gold from one of the mine workers without getting caught, so the brief diversion was still worth it, I suppose. Unless he sends more thugs after me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bandits I’m fleeing are still nowhere in sight, which should probably make me feel grateful but really just makes me kinda nervous. I follow a pair of hunters for a while, looting the animals that they go through the trouble of killing but are apparently too lazy to skin. Maybe they’re just hunting for sport, in which case, hey, bandits are a lot more fun than deer. I know a few that nobody would miss, want to- No? Okay.

 

Regardless, I’m glad of the company, and I run around with them for about an hour before we end up anywhere. The “anywhere” turns out to be a little underground hut called Journeyman’s Nook; my fear of adventure is trumped by my lust for riches and the fact that I’m sort of freezing again, so I decide to take a look. Plus, what are the odds that I’ll have to fight anyone to get the loot inside?

 

The first person I kill is a bandit who’s holding a naked woman hostage. She doesn’t seem to be aggressive towards me, simply warning me to back off or else. But dammit, scummy NPC thief or no, I can’t just let you kill a defenseless maiden!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, the defenseless maiden in question also decides to join the fray, and dies in approximately half a second. Whoops. In honor of her memory, I kill her captor and loot all their stuff.

 

The building has some pretty good stuff, though, and I get an alchemy skill book, a treasure map, and a few potions as a reward for my heroic(?) deeds(?). I’m about to go to sleep when I hear fighting nearby, then silence. Then, my fears are confirmed when the words “Thug: Is someone there?” appear on the screen I don’t have because I’m a non-player character without a HUD.

 

It seems like he got into a scuffle with my hunter friends – a fight which he apparently won, though not without being wounded. He’s down to about 50% HP when I take him on and, hrm, that was fast. Apparently these guys are pushovers without their mohawked leader.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The other one is nowhere to be seen, though. While I’d like to believe the hunters managed to kill him, I’m not optimistic. He’s probably going to show up and confront me over the death of his comrades, eventually forgive me after a long and epic struggle, then jump to his death in the Skyrim equivalent of the Seine River.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But who knows when I’ll find him? For now, I go back inside and rest up, preparing myself for the inevitable confrontation.

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Next chapter is nearly done, but in the meantime here's a pretty nice close-up from the last one that I didn't end up using.

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

Waking up from fevered dreams of beating the crap out of a bandit with my bare hands (dunno where that came from), I head back out into the world. It’s daybreak, the sun is rising over the mountains, and for once I feel pretty good about my place in the world. I’m full, healthy, warm, and I have 66.6% fewer people chasing me than there were yesterday. My spirits have never been higher, and woah what’s that? Is that a skeleton? Buzz kill.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As it turns out, he doesn’t have anything all that great. I break three picks to get into the strongbox, which has a necklace and a few gems that I value at about 500 gold, which means I might be able to get 100 for the lot. The tome is for an Illusion spell called “Bask”, which temporarily reduces your exposure but restores it back when the spell wears off. Explains how he died. There’s not much else here, so I move on towards the town in the distance – my main goal.

 

Ah, Winterhold. Not to be judgmental or anything, but this place really is just the shittiest. The snowstorm is so intense here that I can barely see the houses around me, half of which are nothing but ruined frames. Why anyone would choose to live here is beyond me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I sell about 800 gold worth of crap to the merchant, which pushes my speech up enough to bring me to level three. Because I have even poorer decision-making skills than my character, I decide that another point specced in thievery is a good idea.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Walking next door to the inn, I run into a travelling merchant getting ready to leave town. I don’t blame you, pal – I’m looting whatever I can and putting this place in my rearview mirror (a phrase ahead of its time by about 400-600 years). Checking out his wares, most of his stuff is overpriced junk, but I pick up a hide helmet and a waterskin for a tidy 200 gold. Still more money than I wanted to spend, but I’ve been in desperate need of proper helm for a long time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s not an abundance of useful, easily stealable items to be found here, but there IS a staff tucked safely away from prying eyes which I’m able to grab up without rousing suspicion. My (obviously) expert eye reveals that it’s a Staff of Arcane Authority, or in layman’s terms, a Stick of Making Things Run Away. It’s also worth twice as much gold as I’ve ever possessed, but I doubt I’ll ever be able to find a buyer, since every single living thing in Skyrim can somehow tell when something is stolen goods.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m about ready to head out the door when some random barmaid gets in the way and asks me to convince a drunk guy to pay off his debt. I spend a while considering whether this counts as a real quest or not, and eventually agree to it. Not for her sake, of course, I just want to beat up someone without fear of getting the crap kicked out of me for once.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The weather calms down around 11am, and I set out immediately, eager to leave this place behind. Not much happens over the next hour; progress is slow, and the only people I run into are a bunch of drunken lunatics prancing about in the snow. But a bit past noon, it happens – the final showdown. An epic clash of good vs. evil as I square off against the final hired thug, sure to be a close, well-matched fight that could drag on for hours, each of us waiting for the other to make a mistake, never daring to-

 

Or, if you read the last chapter, you’ll remember that he actually just got stuck in the terrain and I beat the shit out of him with my bare hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well then. Not quite the fight I was expecting, but I won’t complain.

 

Moving on, I decide to retrace my steps a bit now that I’m no longer in a rush. Ideally, I’d like to move further south into warmer territory, and then… what? I haven’t really thought about this beyond simple, day-to-day survival, but now I finally have time to THINK. And it’s terrifying. What am I even supposed to do with my life? I’m already fairly well-off, generally speaking. If all I want is to live my life in peace, it’d be easy enough to do now. But is that enough? How do I differentiate between survival and success in a world where I’m just trying to mind my own business?

 

I get distracted from my existential ponderings by some magical douche who’s throwing lightning at my face. I send haphazard blows at him from atop my horse, and enough of them connect that he falls. This attracted the attention of another wizardy asshole, though, and Ride Horse has suddenly decided to stop cooperating with my commands. I’m already down to half health by the time I dismount, and dangerously close to death by the time I close on my foe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fortunately, caution wins out, and I end up healing myself instead of suffering an abrupt and incredibly embarrassing death. Out of habit, I run up to the word wall nearby, until I remember that I’m not the Dovahkiin and I have absolutely no business meddling in the affairs of dragons. Unfortunately, I’ve wasted some valuable time here, and I’m dangerously close to death by hypothermia.

 

I’m not really worried until it becomes apparent that there’s no campfire anywhere nearby. My exposure is still climbing and there’s only one place even remotely close enough to save me from my impending doom – a nearby cave, handily marked on my internal compass. I scramble down the mountainside in my haste to reach it, smacking a slowly reanimating skeleton out of my way like a total (albeit freezing) badass. I finally pause once I reach the actual “cave”, if you can call it that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not exactly the most welcoming dungeon I’ve come across, but then again I don’t have a lot of options and, well, holes are holes. I jump in, remembering approximately 0.0002 seconds later that I had enough firewood to make a campfire.

 

Whoops.

[Guest]

I know the pacing for the last chapter felt a bit off, but honestly not a lot happened during the hour(ish) I was playing there. In contrast, a TON happened in the next hour, so there wasn't a good place to split things up that wouldn't result in awkward timing.

 

Also, does that whole "merchants know when something is stolen" thing not bother anyone else? How does that make any sense? Argh.

[TheOzoneHole]

It doesn't, and more please. I've found this quite funny so far.