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Part 1


Midnight19

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after she Woke up in vault 111, Anna goes home. Anna is met with the destruction of everything.

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Anna what the hell happend to the house codsworth ? 

Codsworth : well nuclear war, Rust, and 200 years will take a toll, Mum.

Anna 200 Years? You have to be Joking...

Codsworth : a bit over 210 actually, anyway this will give you and sir a reason to renovate, were is sir ?

Anna : he is Dead Codsworth! i saw some strange people shoot him and take my baby!

Codsworth : Mum... you had a miscarriage. you need to take your medication, 200 years of withdraw can't be good.

 

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While Codsworth looks for her Antidepressants Anna goes into the Nursery

Codsworth Mum we are out of your Medication

Anna: that crap never helped me anyway. just made me numb 

Codsworth : if you say so mum

 

 

 

Anna decides she can't stay in the Ruins of her home and leaves 

 

 

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       Anna god is it hot *she unzips her vault suit*

      Dog : Bark!

     Anna : hi boy, did you lose your owner ?

   Dog : Wimpers

  Anna you can come with me.

 

Anna  comes across a couple of giant bugs she never seen before

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 Anna : what the hell are those ?

*she shoots them both, and continues down the street*

 

Anna Walks right into the middle of a gun fight

*raiders and garvery shoot at each other, one sees her and fires at her, so she has to return fire, she kills him and runs off*

Anna : Shit! 

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Preston : Help! i got settlers inside!

 

Freaked out by what just happend she runs off ignoring the screams for help

Down the road she comes across a stand off

 

Wolfgang : your Dead Beat son owes us money trudy!

Trudy i am not giving you Scumbags any thing!

Wolfgang back off lady its not your business!

Anna : whoa calm down. whats going on ?

Wolfgang : that bitch's son owes me money 

 Anna : let me talk to them.

Wolfgang : fine.

Anna : is it really worth killing a man or risking your son and your own's life's over a few dollars?

Trudy the hell are Dollars ? we use Caps!. but i guess your right.

 

with a stand off over Anna continues on

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 when Anna arrives at diamond city she comes across a argument, the local reporter Piper was locked out of the town

 

 

Piper come on danny! this isn't funny

Danny : sorry piper mayors order.

Piper : you want into the city ?

Anna : yes

Piper : Play along. Hey Danny a Trader is here with a giant caravan. everyone is gonna be pissed if they don't get the supplies

Danny *sigh* alright alright 

Piper : lets go in before the mayor catches us

Anna Right

Mayor Piper ? i told Sullivan to keep you out!

Anna this isn't any of my business 

*Anna walks away*

 

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 she walks up to Sullivan

 

Danny : look i know piper was full of shit

Anna she kinda roped me into it, i am sorry

Danny i don't care i am going to fuck you or jail you.

Anna alright alright.

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            Anna rides Sullivan 

Danny like it ?

Anna no

Danny : to bad

 

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 despite feeling horrible about having Sex with a stranger so soon after her Husband died she continued on into the City

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   Anna was getting stares form creeps and guards she went and bought some new cloths and put her hair up

 

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Abbot : get me some green paint for the wall, their is caps in it for you.

Anna  : alright where do i find paint ?

Abbot : hardware town

 

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  when Anna got to the store a woman was screaming about someone needing help, Anna being Naive followers her in

Woman : Help! she needs Help!

Anna : whats going on ?

Woman : in here!

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Anna goes inside but is ambushed 

 

  

 

 

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Raider 1 girl you are a idiot.

Raider 2 : a real genius

 

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the Raiders take her cloths

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      Raider: wow your tight.

      Anna : shut up you bastard

     Raider trying to backtalk me while i am Fucking you!

 

 

 

     while  she was gets fucked by a filthy Raider, Anna thinks about her own stupidity, and how she should not trust random people

 

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       end of Part 1

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20 hours ago, Midnight19 said:

i think i fixed it

It is fixed.

As for storytelling, think of it as when telling another someone what you did the other day ; the only difference is that you've got full control over the events that happen, and so you can make them more mysterious/interesting than the usual. And so get the reader to want to know what's next. You've got plenty of examples to follow in good movies, or good books. It's as if you were writing a manga in fact.

At the moment, your story does lack in fluidity, you describe each step with a simple phrase without developing the ambience, the characters, what's at stake and so on. But with experience it could become more fluid. :classic_smile:

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