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Key:

Regulus Clarius (Imperial)
Aleri Sevoran (Dunmer)

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28 Rain's Hand, 4E 202.








Mmm...

Mm.







Have a nice nap?

Heh, half a nap, just needed to close my eyes... but yes.

You're a good pillow~...







Ahh... ... what about you? You looked a little tired before.

Eh, didn't really get to sleep. Just been thinking.

Something on your mind?

Just... ... you know, I never fully realized just how boring my life on Solstheim really was, until I left. Looking back now just makes it even clearer. Especially when I look at your life, or Maja's, or Calindwe's or any of the others, you'd all already done so much at my age, and I'm just... I'm just kind of... just now getting started, I guess. I feel like I'd wasted a lot of my time before.

Mmm... don't be too quick to envy our lives, Aleri. Certainly not mine. I've been through quite a lot, that is true, but... as you well know, that includes a lot of bad stuff. Stuff I'm still paying for, and wouldn't wish upon anyone, certainly not someone your age. We were... we were thrown into situations out of our control, and uh... forced to grow up quicker than we'd like to. You at least got to have a relatively easy start to your life. Some aren't so lucky.

I know, I just... ... I don't know. I mean... I know my place isn't back on Solsthiem. It's out here, adventuring with youse. I love it, and it makes it harder to look back and understand how I put up with staying on that island for so long. I could've already been out a long ago, exploring the land.

Well, to be fair, think about how different things could've gone if you'd left earlier. Tamriel's a big place, even just here in Skyrim's a big place. You easily could've never met Maja, we wouldn't be here right now if anything was done differently.

True...

Coincidence and divine intervention both have their places in life. Considering how everything worked out, I... personally do think the hands of fate guided our whole group all together. But I can't... I can't exactly guarantee that.

And I can make the argument about how things could've gone differently in my own life. If by some infinitesimal chance I got information about my parents from someone on the road, and I went somewhere other than Jehanna, never meeting Gwenevere. Or later, if that man in Jehanna didn't overhear me, I wouldn'tve gone to the Imperial City. I would've enlisted there in High Rock instead, would've been in different battles. Wouldn'tve had to fight out of the City with the others, that was kind of the start of my, uh... mental decline. That was a rough fight...

... Things would've been different. I would still be with Gwenevere, or so I imagine. I wouldnt've been there in the Rift on that... heh, fateful day. We wouldn't know each other right now.

Would that be something you'd want to change? Never leaving Gwenevere, but never being here either?

... I...

... ... I apologize, that was... not a kind question. I am a little tired.

It's... it's alright. I know you meant it out of curiosity. But it's a question I actually don't have an answer for. I... it's... I don't think it's a surprise to anyone that I still hold a candle for her. But I think that's more because I still have some... unresolved business with her, I guess. I literally dream of the opportunity to tell her the things I didn't the last time. Things she deserved to hear. But apart from that, the prospect of us being together again is... ... I already gave up on that idea a long time ago.

I miss her, but I know that our time has passed, and what's done is done. And do I feel as though my place is here now, and not back there. So I really can't say either way how I'd feel about changing things.

Fair enough.

The way I see it, life holds uncountable little minute variables, and we're here because everything worked out perfectly for us to be here, be it just luck, or the gods granting us a kindness and tugging things just the right way, or a bit of both. Either way, we're in a good place now, I wouldn't want to ever jeopardize that.

And don't worry so much about wasted time. You're... twenty-eight now, right?

Mm.

That's young even for Men. But you're a Mer. You're going to be around for a long time. And you're healthy, you live well, you'll no doubt track down some magicks over time to help keep yourself in good health.

You'll be pushing several centuries, easily. Twenty-eight is nothing.

Don't, uh... forget what I said back in the Rift. You said something about you not having much of a story to tell. I said "not yet".

Mm...

Which is basically the same thing you've just said now, but it's all in how you look at it. Plenty of time to get some stories of your own.

Mm... ... Hm. Centuries. I've never really thought about my own mortality all that much. Hard for me to even comprehend that kind of lifespan. Centuries.

Possibly millennia, if you know what you're doing. Like the old Telvanni mages.

By Vivec, I don't know if I'd even want to go for that long...

... Centuries... ... Oh... now I've just had a realization...

Mm?

Well... I'm... I'm going to outlive you. You and Maja and the others. Probably not Calindwe, but...

... Still, you're... you're the people I'm closest to now, and you'll be... ... gone, and I'll still be relatively young for my kind.

Mm, and therein lies the problem. Many people entertain the notion of a longer lifespan, some actively seek it out by whatever means necessary. But few stop and contemplate all the baggage that would come with it.

That's why I... I certainly respect Men and Mer who've made it to old age and still figure out how to make it work - and I have met several centuries-old Mer in my time who still have their heads on straight, and even Men pushing well over a century with room to spare - but I don't really... envy you. I don't envy the prospect of outliving my loved ones, my family, everything.

I've already had close friends pass from old age. Friends made on the road. Brothers and sisters in arms from the War, some even the same age as me... and even the older ones weren't that old, but... easy to turn to booze and bad lifestyles to try and buy a few moments of peace, regardless of the damage. I'd know...

... and Gaius. More than anything, remembering him is always a sobering reminder of age's unkindness. I just... I guess it's... ... I guess it's sort of a selfish relief that I'll probably be the first of our little lot to go. Then I won't have to mourn anyone again.

I can't really tell you how to deal with that kind of stuff. I don't think there's really any use trying to, it's something, uh... that hits hard no matter what. I most certainly wish you a long and full life, but unfortunately there's... there's no getting around the fact you'll experience a fair bit of loss in your life. Just... don't let yourself wall off from everything. I've already been there. Knowing something won't last forever is hardly a reason to cut yourself off from it; if anything it's all the more reason to care for it, because you might not get another chance to.

Suppose it's one of those things I'll just have to deal with when I come to it, I think.

Pretty much. One of the many tests of life is how you deal with bad events and their aftermaths. And sometimes it's a test for the individual alone to figure out. I'm... kind of near my limit, I think, though in fairness it's up quite high; I've earned the right to say "enough's enough". But you're yet untested and unwearied.

But uh... ... eh, this is kind of morbid talk for a day like this. This has been a nice day, I really shouldn't be ruining it with talk of this sort.

Heh. Well, it wouldn't be our kind of conversation if we weren't off-handedly delving into philosophical matters.

Yeeeah... ... Still, just... as I always say: Moderation is key. Don't sit around watching your life go by, but also don't be in so much of a hurry that you burn out early. Life is short and long all at once, and another test of life is finding the happy balance. And that balance is different for everyone, and different for every stage of life.

And ultimately, nothing lasts forever, so all you can do is enjoy things while they last.

Mm... ... Like this. Moments like this, laying down together and ignoring the world for a time. This feels nice.

That it does. Unfortunately, this has to end too, eventually.

But, not right now.

Mm, not right now...