I don't know how to gauge what mom thinks about me anymore. One minute, she's getting after me for not sleeping or not doing dishes, which means she does still care but the next minute, she's telling me that I have to sleep on the floor just because I haven't yet finished working on some Sims 4 CC. I'm still recovering from the damage my father did and 95% of the time, mom is not here to be just us and talk. I've tried telling her how I feel and what we need to do but... the draw toward dating always wins out over me. I know she loves me, otherwise she wouldn't get after me at all. She wouldn't go out of her way to get me the things I need or like either if that were the case. I know my mom. But still... I've spent so many days and nights feeling either totally or almost totally alone for the past two years, ever since my parents divorced and I'm tired of it.

I've cried myself to sleep more times than a person ever should in their life in these past two years. When it was just me and my father, I was totally ignored 24/7 and there was adamant refusal to be supportive of my individual differences such as autism in the household for the first time ever. When dad put something unexpected in my grocery cart during the day or when he shocked me by randomly deciding to change our plans for the day, it was not met with patience or understanding ever. It was met with scolding, yelling, stress and high anxiety until I was tired enough in body to go to sleep and even then, I was never so tired somehow that I couldn't still cry myself to sleep. That level of loneliness hurt so deeply. I never felt it before mom left because she always made sure I was understood, heard fairly, defended when it was right and that I always felt loved and appreciated. Then again though, my new situation has made me realize that perhaps she was only giving me so much time and patience because all she had was time since dad never spent any with her. Now she doesn't have the time that she used to and I'm suffering because I grew up knowing no different from her until now. I keep hoping that it won't be so bad once I am living on my own but everyone here tells me it only gets worse.

My grandmother on mom's side and my mom both had to watch their parents split and experienced everything that I am going through now. They keep telling me that time is the only thing that has a shot at helping me feel better because the painful memories of things like this don't go away. I really don't know what's keeping me together or positive at all anymore. When my friends ask me why I'm so sunshiney to them with my advice on life, I find I no longer have good enough answers to their questions. All I've got now is the hope that things I enjoy will come my way if I continue to hang on and it really doesn't seem like a good enough excuse. The hope that the next day will bring a sale on an interesting new book or something good happening to me on a favorite video game seems to be what is stringing me along and I can't untie myself, which is probably a good thing but it also means I'm along for the ride over all the bumps and rocks as well... and last I checked, my metaphorical body was already covered from head to toe in bumps, scrapes, bruises and a few gashes. I don't need or want any more of them.

I'm learning that the only hope I really have for love is self love and I really shouldn't aim for anything more than that. I'm too broken and difficult to deal with for anyone else to love me. My own mom doesn't even know how to love me anymore and that's a real hard hitter for a person who grew up a "mama's kid". Every time I try to tell her I have some specific need due to trying to recover, I get met with remarks about how I'm a grown adult who can take care of herself or "I did it just fine by myself when I was your age" or "don't be jealous of [boyfriend]" or something else equally unhelpful. As I am typing this right now, mom has told me that because I'm taking too long to finish some CC (I didn't sleep trying to finish it) that her boyfriend now gets my spot on the bed all night tonight and I have no right to come in at 3 am and ask to sleep. But in some ways, that's fine by me.  It's not like I wasn't sleeping alone all week anyway. I won't lie, I cried myself to sleep all this week because like I said, I'm so tired of being all alone when I didn't grow up 100% alone. But out here on the floor or in there on the bed really doesn't make a difference. Either way, I was gonna be all alone, just me and Goofy. I've always been afraid to sleep alone even though I almost always have so I've had "sleep toys" since I was a kid. My current one is a Goofy plush I got at a Disney Store back when they were all still open a few years ago. He's been there for me the most through all of this hell. Do I l need a break from modern livin'? Do I long to shed my weary load? Yes. My nerves are raw and my brain is fried. Every night I grab my Goof and take a ride together out on a lonely road...

All in all, I'd rather have detention. All in all, I'd rather eat a toad. My old man's brain is psycho nuts and I spent most of the last year hurling my guts directly along my lonely road.

Yes, I just used lyrics from A Goofy Movie to express my emotional state. Yes, I really did spend most of the year hurling my actual guts last year. I might have gallbladder issues on top of everything else that has gone wrong in my life. Also, have a screenshot of the absolute worst moment in one of my other top favorite Disney films because I have to post photos that portray how I'm feeling, too.

I hope that one of these day's I'll be able to post some happy emotions!!! But you'll just have to BEAR with me (and my stupid puns) until then...